"Analyzing the Shit Out of That One Scene in Superman II Where the Kid Almost Dies at Niagara Falls."

I'm thinking of writing a One Man Show called "Analyzing the Shit Out of That One Scene in Superman II Where the Kid Almost Dies at Niagara Falls."

Before we go any further, it's imperative that you watch the scene.

CLICK HERE TO DO SO!

I have seen Superman 2 at least a couple dozen times. Yet, there is SO much that happens in this scene, that I am still just discovering things 29 years after its release. Things such as the fact that it actually came out 39 years ago! What the Hell?!?

First off, the scene in question seems to take place on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. I find this to be a bold choice for a guy who allegedly stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."
But this one man show isn't ABOOT that.

Second, what's with the olive green and pink combo Lois is sporting? I know this was 39 years ago, but MAN! could you be any more stereo typical 80s?

This scene lives within the subtle moments. Sure it's great that Clark, to distract Lois from figuring out that he is Superman (because she cleaned his glasses), runs over to save the little kid standing on the railing. The best part is when his mother hits the kid immediately afterwards blaming him for embarrassing her, "here in front of everybody."

It's a nice companion piece for when Superman, in the first movie,  saves the little girl's cat stuck in the tree. This results in her mother smacking her for "lying." Apparently Superman is an equal opportunist when it comes to kids catching a beating. 

(*Also, he should have slapped the girl's mother for letting her kid name the cat "Frisky.")


It seems as though Lois completely missed that this kid was standing on the railing. As a world class reporter you figure she would have noticed something like that. Not only does she not notice it, but when Clark brings it up, she decides she's hungry and ignores the possible lead.

She then sends Clark off to get her hot dog and freshly squeezed orange juice.

We immediately see the kid back at the rail. By "we" I mean the audience, because Lois still doesn't see a goddamn thing. And his mother could give a shit.

To amp it up, the kid is now on the Falls side of the rail!

He says "Hey Ma, look!"

To which his mother says without looking, while eating what appears to be cotton candy, "Uh-huh. Yeah honey, that's nice."

Great parenting. Somethings haven't changed since 1980.

Here's the thing: The kid is the same kid as before, BUT I'm 90% sure that the actor playing the mother is NOT the same actor from seconds earlier! Yes, she's wearing the same shirt, but her hair color AND face look completely different!!!

Did she get fired in between shots? This film crew means business!

Also, the man she's with (presumably the boy's father) is looking at a map, which is helping distract her. WHAT MAP?!? Like, why would you need a map at Niagara Falls? Is there REALLY anywhere else you can go?!?

Lois then takes a picture in the vicinity of where the kid is endangering himself. Perhaps she's taking a photo of him, though it looks like she's taking a picture passed him...of random people I suppose. Which would mean Lois is kind of a creep. BUT AGAIN, she sees this kid is goofing around and SAYS NOTHING!

Lois Lane hates kids. Or at least this particular one.

Then, as the kid is falling, Lois screams "Help!" 

To be fair, she says "Oh my God," and then screams "Help." However, her lips seems to say something closer to "Holy Crap" instead of "Oh my God."

Now, let's be honest, it's too fucking late. Unless you're calling for someone to fish out the body, what's the point in yelling "Help!" Superman. That's the point...but wait...

Once Lois yells help, the parents run to the rail realizing it's their kid whom such misfortune has befallen. But NOT before the mother EATS ANOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF COTTON CANDY?!? WTF!!! You can see it at 2:31 in the clip posted above.

Also, I get the concept of "suspension of disbelief" and all, but this kid falls for 23 second before Superman catches him!

23 SECONDS!!! 

I did some quick Google Sleuthing (Is that a term? Should be), and found that it takes approximately 2.5 seconds to fall 100 feet. Niagara Falls, at its tallest point, is 176 feet. Meaning that by the time Supes shows up, that kid has, at the very least,  been soaked for about 19 seconds. And probably dead for at least half that amount of time.

Hell, Clark doesn't even make his move to change into Superman for 10 full seconds!!!

Please note: Fantastic Falling dummy at the 2:40 mark!

The absolute best part of all, is ALL of the commentary by the crowd. They all have some little things to say including:

"Do something!"
"It's Superman!"
"What a nice man!"
       and
"Of course he's Jewish."

What's that now?

Yes, there's some older sounding woman who comments, "Of course he's Jewish."

I realize the link I posted above is shaky and may very well have been filming a TV in someone's Rec Room, where their old Jewish grandmother lent her own commentary to the scene. Therefore, I have ANOTHER source of said scene right: HERE.

Yep. It's in there. This made me so happy!

After that nice Jewish superhero saves the kid (again), his mother once again yells at him. Pulling at his arm she says, "You're going to get it!" Another beating no doubt.

Also, I'm fairly certain it's back to the original Mom!

The scene cuts off, but if it were to continue, we'd see Lois piece together the fact that Superman and Clark are never in the same place at the same time.

You'd also get to see Clark Kent steal hot dogs. Yeah, I know, he leaves some change. But, even in 1980 dollars, a few shekels ain't enough for 2 hot dogs! 

And why isn't anyone working at the hot dog place?!? I know that the excitement of Superman having just been there was in the air, but when Clark walks back to Lois, everything is back to normal!

Like people don't give a fuck that Superman just saved an ungrateful kid's goddamn life!

So what, did the hot dog vendors up and quit? Did they too jump over the railing in hopes that Superman would save them?

When the kid says "Again, again," Superman does say, "Sorry, only one ride per customer." Did the vendors take him up on the offer? AND, more importantly, did he fall down on the job?!?

Clearly there are a lot more things to discuss, which is why this really calls for a One Man Show...

...or maybe a Podcast. A Podcast completely devoted to a single four minute scene. Hmmmm....

Batman vs. Superman (Because Everyone Else Has Written About It)

Batman vs. Superman is currently running at a 29% rating on Rotten Tomato. Most of the reviews are blustering assholes who like to hear themselves speak. You can tell because the first three reviews splatter words like modicum, operatic, and derivative with int the first few words of the review...a review about an indestructible guy would can fly and a billionaire who can kick the ass of the indestructible guy who can fly.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I hated Batman vs. Superman, but I also wouldn't say I loved it.

The runtime felt about 40 minutes too long. If you took out Zach Snyder's overused slo-motion trademarks shots, you could probably chop an easy 20 minutes from the film. That way, by the time the BIG BAD shows up at the film's end, you're not clock watching wonder how much longer this thing is.

Ben Affleck is the strongest part of the film. His performance is a a great Batman/Bruce split. Pretty much what I expected from him.

And though I think I understood what Snyder wanted to convey with Superman, I don't feel he pulled it off. I think Henry Cavell is serviceable as Supes, but he's a rather crappy Clark Kent. I grew up with Christopher Reeve who had perfected the duality of the role. I felt Cavell's loneliness of being an alien, but I never felt his wanting to belong amongst the people he protects, other than Lois Lane. Who is almost always terribly written, as she is in this film.

Jeremy Irons is pretty much wasted, but since this wasn't an actual Batman film, I can easily see past that. Although that being said, they sure were able to work in the old "kill the parents" origin. If you have a sexual fetish for seeing Bruce Wayne's parents killed in film, there sure is a lot of "porn" for you to choose from. I truly believe there will come a day when all filmmakers will get their turn at killing Thomas & Martha off.

Gal Gadot was excellent as Wonder Woman. I'm not sure what an entire film for WW would look like, but we're going to find out.

SPOILER (kind of): I definitely felt the Justice League reveals were forced and didn't really add to my enjoyment of the film. The kids in the theater liked seeing the Flash, so I'll leave it at that. Though they all questioned who Cyborg was.

Finally, to me, Jessie Eisenberg as Lex Luthor was the weakest part of the film. I admit I was also likely jaded going into it, as he's been a bit aloof in interviews towards the entire genre, which makes me question why he'd do the role in the first place. But he seemed to be playing a mix between Heath Ledger's Joker and David Tennant's Barty Crouch Jr in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. Stop licking your lips, dude!

Overall, I wouldn't demand my time or money back after seeing this film (though if the technology for either is in place, you should share that with me).

I'm not putting the blame on Snyder, but I do not feel that DC has an overall grasp of their story arc the way Marvel does.

I'll leave you with this:  Lex Luthor continually refers to someone who is "coming." My guess would be Darkseid. Which could potentially be awesome...