The Ultimate Game of Shirts Vs Skins

(TIL) Today I learned that Jesus' Foreskin is missing!!!

what, what WHAT?!?

I mean, of course it's "missing." Eight days after he was born it was removed ala Jewish custom, thus it went "missing" from his body. But I mean, it's been stolen!

Let's rewind...about 2000 years.

According to About.com:

Rome's churches are filled with countless religious relics. In the Middle Ages, relic veneration became obligatory and every church in Christendom was required to have a holy relic. Relics can include anything from the body parts of a saint to shards of the True Cross to pieces of cloth that have rubbed against a saint's tomb.

That means, not only does Jesus foreskin count (creepy!) but so does the Shroud of Turin! Which, NOT very surprisingly, resides in the Cathedral of John the Baptist in Turin. So if the Catholic Church was to host a softball game between the Cathedral of John the Baptist in Turin and the Church of Calcata in Rome, where Jesus' prepuce resides, it would be the ultimate game of Skirts vs Skins.

But alas, this Holiest of Holy Relics has been stolen!!!

ALERT the Holy Authorities!

Two quick questions:
1. Who do you call when someone's foreskin goes missing?
2. And, possibly more importantly, who do you call when that someone is JESUS?

Is there a Missing Foreskins Dept? Or a lost & found that we can check? We must find it before the trail goes cold. When did it go missing?

1983.

Come again?

Nineteen eighty, fucking three!

So apparently, Jesus' foreskin went missing over 30 years ago! And I'm just getting around to hearing this today?!?

Wait! Before you go think I am behind this, it should be known that I was only eight in 1983.
*This is probably as good a place as any to remind my readers that I am a terrible speller. And from time to time I will use "to" instead of "too" or even on more than one occasion, "two." In this particular situation however, I would like full credit for spelling "eight" and NOT "ate" giving you, dear reader, a horrific thought regarding what could have happened to the previously mentioned foreskin.  Feel free to read about that possibility at this WEIRDO blog:

8 vs ATE

How did the culprit, or more likely army of culprits, overthrow the armed militia protecting this most sacred of artifacts?

Justin Bieber gets more security at his concerts...and he's a dick too!

(umm, it...it wasn't being guarded)

WHAT?!? This is, as Christians believe, the only remaining body part of the Lord Jesus Christ, that resides here on earth! How the heck-fire could it NOT be guarded? Even the Shroud of Turin, which was merely a sweat rag was hidden for decades by the Knights Templar and even now is protected around the clock by armed guards.

To put it in layman terms, it would be like a sports fan who has acquired some sports memorabilia, including the famous towel Mean Joe Green throws to the little kid in the Coca-cola ad from the eighties. And he takes better care of that than the other piece of memorabilia in his collection, Mean Joe Green's FUCKING dick!

You know you want to photoshop that bottle

But, I'm sure that the Church was equipped with a state of the art security system that was somehow thwarted by the scoundrels who stole this most blessed of body parts.

(nope)

REALLY?!?

(if was in the home of a local priest)

What, like hidden in a floor board of something?

(uhhh...no. It was in his closet. In a shoebox.)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? IT WAS AS WELL GUARDED AS MY 1983 TOPPS BASEBALL CARD COMPLETE SET (minus Ricky Henderson, which I think my brother stole)?!?!?

I was eight, but I did "ate" the gum that came with the cards...and by "ate" I mean "swallowed."

8 vs ATE

Jesus.

All of this, hubbub, has been brought to my attention because of an article by The Daily Beast yesterday. Apparently John Paul II's blood has been stolen from a Church in Abruzzo. (Doesn't anyone steal money or jewels anymore? --- "Family Jewels" notwithstanding.)

Apparently relic theft is not an uncommon practice. In the case of the missing foreskin the suspect list included Dario Magnoni (the priest himself), thieves looking to sell it on the black market, Satanists, neo-Nazis and even...drum roll...the Vatican itself!

Why would the Vatican want to steal it you might ask?

According to Slate.com, the answer might be "Protestant doubt." Along with the idea that "scientific revolution...changed our thinking from superstitious to skeptical." In short, it was a fear of science proving this was fake.

But I don't know. I know the Church has been waging a war against Science for all of my life, but something doesn't seem right here. Though I don't doubt Religion vs Science was the Church's motivation.

Hmmm, what else was happening in 1983?

According to The Smithsonian Institute, Nobel Prize winner Kary Mullis perfected the PCR technique. The Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) technique allows scientists to make millions of copies of DNA.

Wait.

The prepuce.

JP2's blood.

My Ricky Henderson card.

Oh. My. GAWD! Someone is trying to clone Jesus to make a FrankenCHRIST who can steal the fuck out of bases!
(*I already have the copyright on this, so don't even try it)

I wonder what he'd look like...

I'm fucking in!

Sources cited in the BLOG above:

The Daily Beast

Slate

Smithsonian Institute

8 vs ATE - This fucking story again

Answers To The 10 Oddball Job Interview Questions Asked at America’s Top Tech Companies (as posted by The Daily Beast)

I used to interview people. I would stare them directly in the eyes and try to make them uncomfortable. I was bored. It made being on that side of the interview a little more bearable.

Sometimes when I am walking down the street in Philly I still do it. I make eye contact with people to restore my faith in humanity. Most people WANT to make a human connection. You make eye contact and smile, they smile back. Of course sometimes they immediately look away instead. “Why is this stranger smiling at me? Oh Lord, I’m about to get ‘rolled’.”

This blog isn’t about that.

On Friday, the Daily Beast released an article about the 10 questions tech companies use to attempt to throw potential employees for a loop while interviewing. To read that article, click HERE.  

What follows are those questions and how I would answer them:

1. “If you could throw a parade of any caliber through the Zappos office, what type of parade would it be?”

Well, sir or ma’am, it is no secret that I am a huge fan of parades. Especially the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade (feel free to go back to my twitter/yourherokevin to check out my November 28th tweets).

Though I’d love to throw my own Macy’s Parade, I feel I’d end up watching it more than producing it. Then there’s the potential the Snoopy balloon would fly off the parade route and destroy downtown Manhattan. So my answer would still be a Christmas parade, but it would be a shot for shot reenactment of the Turbo Man Parade in the holiday classic, ‘Jingle All The Way.’ 

Obviously, some recasting would be needed. After all Phil Hartman is no longer with us. And who the fuck knows where Sinbad is these days. So here’s my cast:

Arnold Swarzenegger = Benedict Cumberbatch (sure he’s nothing like Arnold, but he apparently has the “Jude Law” deal with Hollywood, which states he must be in EVERY film produced)

Sinbad = Jude Law (see reason above)

Phil Hartman = My neighbor Terry (keeping in mind, we are casting an annoying neighbor, and Terry’s dogs bark all night long!

*Terry, a side note – DON’T LET YOUR WIFE GO TO AN ANDY DICK PARTY!!! She’ll end up on cocaine and you’ll eventually get shot in the head)

Rita Wilson = is adorable and irreplaceable. Though I’d cast Amy Smart, as I have had a crush on her for years!

Jake Lloyd = Justin Bieber (finally someone who people hate MORE than Jake Lloyd…though in Bieber’s defense he didn’t ruin Star Wars)

Curtis Armstrong =  Chris Christie (I have a feeling the guy will be looking for work soon, and he’d make a GREAT “Booster”)

2. “How lucky are you and why?”

Are we talking on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the aforementioned Phil Hartman and 10 being Carter Oosterhouse?  (FYI – Carter Oosterhouse is married to Amy Smart. LUCKY!!!)

This question sounds like an early draft of the famous Dirty Harry line, “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you Oosterhouse?”

Seriously, I was born as a white male in America to an upper middle class family. I’m pretty fucking lucky!

3. “If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?”

Finally an actual question! Cause let’s face it, The “Luck” thing was stupid, and if I am throwing a parade at a shoe store, I clearly wasted my time studying for a degree in film. But pizza delivery man seems like something a “not-quite-ready-to-admit-I’m-a-failed” filmmaker might do.

OK. Let’s set up a scenario.

I’m delivering pizza to the set of the FX original program, Justified.

Walton Goggins, who plays Boyd Crowder,  LOVES deep dish.

I get out of the car and take it to his trailer.

He invites me in.

He pays, and tips quite generously.

I tell him I like Justified a lot, but I loved his previous work in The Shield. In fact, I tell him, I still think it’s the best show in the history of television.

 A PA asks, “Have you seen The Wire?”

“Yes, of course I’ve seen The Wire.” I tell him.

“How about Breaking Bad?” he continues. I look at Walton and he rolls his eyes.

“Look pal,” I’m hiding my annoyance, “Yes, I have seen Breaking Bad. It’s an incredible show. I loved it. But I still maintain The Shield tops the list.”

Walton opens the pizza. I can tell he’s super excited. He’s been shooting all night and finally has a break between camera set ups. He opens a fridge and takes out a root beer. It’s a Virgil’s. They’re OK. Not the best. But whateves.

He opens it and takes a sip. He puts it down amongst many empties strewn around the kitchenette area in the trailer.

“Well, what about The Walking Dead?”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!?” I drop my pizza warmer thingie. “That show is crap. The writing is bad and the acting is worse. The only saving grace for the show is its unique mood, and quite frankly, American Horror Story creates that mood with good writing and acting.”

“Seems you only like FX programs, son,” he says as he picks up a discarded Virgil’s and smashes it to reveal a make shift weapon. 

He holds it out challenging me.

I reach behind my jacket and put out a walther .380 ppk.

I have been “rolled” too many times in this line of work to walk around "naked."

The PA squints. 

If he doesn’t back down, this won’t end well.

I look to Walton.

He nods.

The simple motion seems to say, “keep your cool, but don’t let this cocksucker get the upper hand again. I mean, come on, The Walking Dead?  Is he fucking serious?”

I nod back.

I clear my throat, “How lucky are you and why?”

I see the fear enter his eyes. This fight is over before it began.

He drops the bottle and is escorted out of the trailer and off the set.

“Hey. You want a root beer?” Walton offers. I drink it, even though it’s a Virgil’s.

The scissors were for making a heart shaped doily craft thingie. Amy Smart is on Justified this season. Check your local listings or call your cable provider and ask them for FX.

4. “Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?”

I like Rick Hunter. He was a hunter I suppose. That would make his partner Dee Dee McCall a gatherer. I like Dee Dee, but I’m going Rick on this one.

5. “If you were on an island and could only bring three things, what would you bring?”

Great question! Though, let me first start by saying I likely would not vacation somewhere that puts such limitations on MY wants & needs. I’ll assume this island is a nude beach, and that my travel agent seriously recommends not taking a lot of things to carry (because where would you put them?)

I also will assume I have already looked into activities on the island. I don’t want to get there and realize they don’t have snorkeling or crafts. That would suck.

So #1, I’ll bring suntan lotion. I mean come on guys. I’m Irish and I burn. I don’t need “a lot” of suntan lotion if you know what I mean…as I said, “I’m Irish.”

#2, I’ll bring a credit card. Cash is too confusing, and where would I put all that change?  Everyone takes credit cards these days. Plus, I’m not even sure of the currency at this alleged vacation spot. 

Is it in the US? DO I need my passport? Crap. This is probably a trick question. I’m NOT going to choose passport as one of my choices, because that should have been something my travel agent and I went over before hand, when she told me I can only bring 3 things.

#3 a book? Nah, that’s lame. Oh, man a camera! I’ll have Julie take lots of photos of me to post on Facebook when we get home from our sweet vacation.

*I’m aware I have left my walther .380 ppk at home in this scenario, which is dangerous in case I get rolled. So, I’ll be “naked” on this trip in more ways than one (two ways in fact!)

6. "Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?" 

*The earliest tennis balls are believed to date back to the reign of Henry VIII. They were made of materials such as putty and human hair. Scottish craftsmen are said to have made the early tennis balls. These were made from a wool-wrapped stomach of a sheep or goat. They were then secured with a rope.

Over the years, tennis because more popular and tennis equipment emerged from the dark ages. In the late 1800s, tennis balls were constructed of leather and stuffed with hair or wool. Today, they are made from rubber and covered with felt. The felt is the fuzzy outer layer. This is the most expensive materials used in making a tennis ball. Steaming the felt makes it fluffier. The fuzzy coating increases wind resistance and control. It also reduces bounce and speed. As a ball loses some fuzz, they get bouncier. When they lose most of their fuzz, they are said to be “bald.” A bald tennis ball has more bounce and spin and is harder to control.

*Per Yahoo Answers.  For more information, check your local listings or call your cable provider and ask them for FX.

7. “What is your least favorite thing about humanity?”

It’s probably humanity’s disturbingly slow evolution of the tennis ball! I can’t believe it took 200+ years to perfect that thing! Jeez! The United States perfected democracy in the same amount of time.

HUMANITY - 0

‘MERICA! - 1

8. “How would you use Yelp to find the number of businesses in the U.S.?”

I wouldn’t. There are 30,285,419. I don’t need Yelp for that. It’s like asking, “How do you know if you like beets or not?” It’s just part of who you are. You just know. And I DO like beets!

YELP - 0

‘MERICA! - 2

9.  “Can you instruct someone how to make an origami ‘cootie catcher’ with just words?”

Yes I can.

10. “How does the internet work?”

You type “Amy Smart” into Google Images and press enter.

‘MERICA!  FTW!

__________________

I’ll report Monday, as I assume I got the job. 

Happy Holidays!

As bloggers everywhere write their obligatory “I’m thankful for the following” lists, I decided I’d forgo the entry meant merely to tout your year’s accomplishments.  I mean, do I need to mention I co-write and produce a musical to critical acclaim? ( still got it in, YES!)

Instead I wanted to write about the expression, “Happy Holidays.”  Because NOBODY else is thinking of doing that.  

“Yeah Kev, why don’t people just say ‘Merry Christmas’?” 

Ummm…yeah.  That’s not really what I meant.  

In this ever growing ugly world, where we are all one misunderstood gesture away from being shot in the face, I get why people don’t want to “assume” by saying “Merry Christmas.”  Oh, also…it’s NOT FUCKING CHRISTMAS YET!

That said, I don’t mind someone saying “Happy Holidays” to me as opposed to assuming I celebrate Christmas.  I do.  But how would they know that?  

Likewise, I don’t mind someone saying “God Bless You” when I sneeze, as opposed to assuming I’m not into Religion.  I’m not.  I’d never spurned a person’s kind words or gesture, because it just might make this world grow uglier a little slower.

But NONE of this is the point for my writing of “Happy Holidays.”  Instead I am curious, which holidays are you wishing me happiness towards?  Obviously there are the BIG three:  

Christmas.  It’s still 28 days away  (that’s a rehab stint),

Chanukah or Hanukkah.  No one really knows how to spelling it, which means I probably should have been Jewish ( terrible speller)

Thanksgiving.  Or as it is sometimes aptly known, “The Day We Gave Indians Smallpox Blankets In Exchange For Teaching Us How To Live Off Their Land.” (Man, that’s a mouth full)

But there are OTHER Holidays that fall within the “Holiday” spectrum of November 9^th- December 30^th/31^st.  My guess is their inclusion is why MANY conservative types rail against saying “Happy Holidays” as opposed to Merry Christmas.

“I don’t mind wish my Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah, but there are probably Muslim holidays in there too!”

I know.  We get it.  You’re a dick.

First, allow me tell you how I came up with my timeframe parameters:  I firmly believe, no Holiday should be celebrated until after Election Day.  

“Kevin, isn’t your birthday usually around Election Day?  And can’t this be interpreted as a selfish way for you to keep the focus on you a little longer?”

Ummm…yeah.  But if we do start the first week of November, why not back up to include Halloween under the “Happy Holidays” umbrella as well?

SIDE NOTE:  While trick or treating with my nephew, I wished a woman a “Happy Halloween.”  She returned the gratitude with candy and by saying, “Happy Holidays” to me.  I laughed at her.  And then threw the Good N’ Plentys at her face…cause those things are fucking gross!

“OK Kevin, I concede that Halloween should NOT be covered under the ‘Happy Holidays’ brand.  As no one has a problem saying ‘Happy Halloween’ except maybe Brits with a Cockney accent who say, ‘‘appy ‘alloween’.   But why only go until December 30th/31^st?  Shouldn’t this cover New Year’s?  And what’s the deal with it being 30^th/31^st anyway?”

OK.  Allow me to address this point by point.

1. Thank You
2. Please don’t make fun of the Brits.  They are our allies in most of the world’s problems and more importantly, they gave us Doctor Who
3. Because, similar to how you point out “no one has a problem saying ‘Happy Halloween’,” they don’t have a problem saying “Happy New Years” either as it appears on our Roman/Greco calendar .
4. Good question.

Right or wrong, we have stretched the Christmas season to last from the second you get up from the Thanksgiving table to New Years Eve.  Personally, I view Christmas like a rollercoaster.  The buildup lasts FAR longer than the actual event.  That said, I think Christmas ends the first time you forget to turn on your Christmas lights, which is either 12/30 or 12/31.  It just happens, folks.

So what are all of the holidays that are supported by the catch all, “Happy Holidays”?  Here is a list of Holidays celebrated in the US during that timeframe:  

11/28 Thanksgiving – National Holiday

11/28 Hanukkah (begins) – Jewish Holiday

11/29 American Indian Heritage Day – State Holiday in Maryland

11/29 Robert E. Lee’s Birthday – State Holiday in Georgia

11/29 President’s Day – State Holiday in New Mexico

11/29 Black Friday – State Holiday in 17 states

11/29 Lincoln’s Birthday* – State Holiday in West Virginia & Indiana

*This is bizarre as Lincoln’s birthday is 2/12.  However this was done to give state worker’s a day off for the day after Thanksgiving.

12/1 First Day of Advent – Christina Holiday

12/2 Cyber Monday – Observance

12/5 Last Day of Hanukkah – Jewish Holiday

12/6 St. Nicholas Day – Observance

12/7 Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day – Observance

12/8 Feast of the Immaculate Conception – Christian Holiday

12/12 Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe – Observation

12/17 Pan American Aviation Day – Observance

12/17 Wright Brothers Day – Observance

12/21 December Solstice – Season

12/24 Washington’s Birthday* – State Holiday in Indiana

*It’s actually 2/22…again, weird.

12/24 Christmas Eve – Observance, Christian Holiday.  Also, state holiday in:  Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and Wisconsin

12/25 Christmas Day – National Holiday/Christian

12/26 Day After Christmas – State Holiday in Kansas, North Carolina, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Texas  (Clever name guys!  It’s also Boxing Day in Canada, but the US barely recognizes Canada as a nation, surely they won’t recognize their dumb holidays)

12/26 Kwanzaa – Observance

So next time you wish someone a Happy Holiday, just remember, what you’re really saying. 

“Have a ‘PANTASTIC’ Pan American Aviation Day!”  

Which sounds stupid, even with a Cockney accent.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)

A few days ago, I was asked by a friend to write an article about "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for Mania.com. I wrote the following piece and it was deemed a bit "too rough" for the site. I then pursued Cracked.com, but since Halloween is a mere 12 hours away I have concluded there was almost NO chance this would see the light of day this year...unless I post it myself.



It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)
By Kevin Regan

Close your eyes.
Think back to when you were a kid at Halloween.
Imagine watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown."
Now, keep your eyes closed.
Think back to when you were a kid in High School.
Imagine your first handjob?

QUESTION: Which was the better experience?
ANSWER: It's a trick question. They were both underwhelming.

"It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," was the third holiday special for Peanuts, the American comic strip written and illustrated by Charles M. Schultz. It first aired on CBS on October 27, 1966. It featured all of your favorite, and not so favorite, Peanuts characters (screw you Violet!).

Fucking bitch! That's hardcore bullying right there!

Schroeder, Pig Pen and some unnamed character, in a uniform lack of creativity, all decided to dress up as ghosts. Lucy, and shit bag Violet, also wore ghostly sheets and added plastic witch masks over top. The only one with any sense of originality is the show's constant "anti-hero," Charlie Brown. He is obviously dressed up as the various gloryholes found on the New Jersey turnpike. For all his efforts, the bald little fucker merely ends up with a sack full of rocks. Something that has bothered me deep into my adult life.

Linus opts to forgo the traditional activities of the holiday such as "tricks or treats" and going to prima donna Violet's exclusive party. Instead he spends the night in a pumpkin patch, with a pretty girl, waiting for a mythical creature to arrive. Though he'll be thrice disappointed (first Sally abandons him, second The Great Pumpkin never arrives and third he'll no doubt be sick from spending the night outside until 4 in the morning) he never gives up hope, even telling his "follicly challenged" friend Charlie, that he's already planning for which "sincere" pumpkin patch to camp out in next year.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Kevin," (that's my name...says so on the byline)

"What does this have to do with a handjob?" 

Well (I don't know your name), let me explain.

When I asked you to think back to your first handjob, you did. You probably thought of who gave it to you. Where you were. You might even have remembered what song was playing. For me it was the Wayne's World soundtrack. And unless something peculiar happened, like your Mom walking in at the exact wrong moment (which could be ANY moment actually), you probably remembered it as being pretty damn exciting. I mean someone reached into your pants and started doing the thing that you yourself have been doing for years! It was awesome!!!

But was it? Was it really?

Sure the nostalgia was awesome. You were young. You had a full head of hair. Your whole future was ahead of you. Not to mention, Ballroom Blitz was blasting! But was the handjob really that good? Surely the technique wasn't up to the exact standards that you had set for yourself over the past few years while sitting alone in your bedroom hoping to God no one tested the lock on the door.

Remember how uncomfortable you felt the next day. "Was she trying to tear the damn thing off?" What I'm saying is, it hurt! You're just barely a teenager. You haven't learned about things like lubrication or the various dangers of friction - though this life lesson will surely be your jumping off point and Newton's Third Law seems FAR more important than the first two.

The fact is, we remember things a little more colorful than their reality.

"Fuck you, Regan!" (that's my last name) 

"I still love the Great Pumpkin. And I married the girl who gave me my first handjob!" 

GREAT! Cool. That's awesome man, seriously. I'm not saying you should hate the Great Pumpkin OR handjobs. I'm merely saying, let's admit the truth about these things. 

The Great Pumpkin, was good...but it wasn't great. 

The whole Snoopy vs The Red Baron thing was bizarre and went on TOO long. Sure it's 5 minutes (which is probably 4 minutes longer than you lasted for your first handjob - NAILED IT!) but that's a big deal on a piece with a mere 25 minute run time. Twenty percent of the Holiday Special feels like "filler." So much so, that even ABC decided to cut it when they took over airing the special in 2001. Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of Snoopy as a flying ace almost as much as I love the concept of a girl giving me a handy. It's just that the execution is off.

Also, I have ALWAYS had a hard time of getting past Lucy van Pelt and her behavior. Not just pulling the football away from Charlie Brown (a scene that ABC also saw need to cut for important commercial selling time). "Funny thing about this contract, it was never notarized." That maybe so, but breaking a written contract that isn't notarized still makes you a lying twat. But I think her more egregious behavior takes place while her innocent little brother is in the pumpkin patch full heartedly following his faith. She's out getting him candy. 

"Kevin Regan!" (Yep, full name! You're getting it!) 

"I think it's sweet, she gets candy for her brother." 

Really? This is how I know you aren't paying attention to the episode. Because right before she asks for "an extra piece of candy" for her brother, she is given like 9 fucking pieces! WHAT THE FUCK! Share that shit! She's going to get fat. Develop diabetes. And guess who is going to be the only person left to take care for her in her old age? You guessed it, Charlie Fucking Brown. They'll get together and have a loveless marriage that see's Lucy yanking on old Chuck's prick like she's pulling a football away, lubricant be damned!

OK. I might have gotten off point a bit here.

"Regan, you just don't like Peanuts or handjobs." 

I assure you, you couldn't be more wrong on both accounts. I just think the reality of our enjoyment has been overblown through time and a revisionist memory. Seriously, if you want to watch a perfect Peanuts story, watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown." That shit is more like your first blowjob! 

And a blowjob is ALWAYS awesome, even when "too much teeth" are used.

Rule Number 3

There are three things that separate human beings from animals:

1. if a child runs out into the street, you grab that child.  You don't have to know them.  You don't have to have a child of your own.  You don't even have to like children.  You can be a Hatfield and the child could be a McCoy, but if he runs into the street, you grab that kid!

2. we tell each other when you don't need to pay for parking.  Because fuck the parking authority!  ALL PARKING AUTHORITIES!  If you live in a town or know the parking restriction time limits in said town, you share that information with your fellow "parkers."  If someone is about to pay for parking in center city Philadelphia on a Wednesday night, you let them know parking is free.  That's what Jesus would do (if the quarters didn't slip through his hand holes).

3. KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT!  This one trumps ALL other rules.  ALL OF THEM!  To hell with that kid, he should have known better and this will be a tough lesson learned!  And so what about the stupid $3.00 you paid when you didn't have to, maybe if you paid closer attention to things involving your car, you wouldn't have hit that kid that darted out in the street!  No, rule number three is PARAMOUNT!  NO one, and I mean NO ONE spoils the end of Breaking Bad!

Will Walter White live? Will he die?  Will he ever buy a hat that doesn't look like one Cliff Huxtable would wear to the jazz clubs?

Couldn't find the hat photo...

With the emergence of Netflix and Hulu Plus and a slew of other ways to watch past aired television, so many of our fellow beings are still catching up on the Emmy Award winning "Best Drama" Breaking Bad.   It is an unspoken pact we make as members of the human race, NOT to spoil a show such as this.  The outcome is destined to be a "Rosebud" or an Intergalactic father/son relationship between the protagonist/antagonist.  Simply put, don't be the asshole who says, "I'm the one who spoils."

I will be watching the show live.  I killed myself over the summer getting caught up i n order to watch the fate of Walter White along side my fellow geeks.  And then I'll follow number 3 and keep my trap shut.  If you must "spoil" something, might I recommend another show that recently ended, Dexter.  Of course to that I say GOOD LUCK, since the writers spoiled it somewhere around season 3.

Mustaches & Mustard Gas!

It's Friday!  Time to play everyone's favorite GAME SHOW, "Mustaches & Mustard Gas!"

Can you tell the difference between the 80s icon and the merciless despot?  

Remember, points are worth double in this round...also your family can be drug out into the streets and shot!



Let's begin:
(scroll down for answers)

1. 

Look at that winning smile and those clean teeth.  

This MUST be a movie star right?

Maybe not a MOVIE star, but he has been getting quite a bit of TV time lately.  It's Bashar al-Assad, the Despot of Damascus.  This Syrian 'Stash Sporter is quite the gas at parties!

2. 

Hmmm...that deep dimple looks ominous.  

And is that a military flight hat (AKA a garrison cap) I see in the background?

Why that's Chappy Sinclair!  Louis Gosset Jr's character from Iron Eagle.  Don't let that militant demeanor fool you, Chappy takes Doug Masters under his wing (hey-o!) to fight a country holding his father hostage.

SIDE NOTE:  While researching this, I learned that the soldiers who wear garrison caps have another name for them..."cunt caps."

True story.  Look it up.

3. 

Look at those cheek bones.  This guy must be a ruthless leader of men and ardent "bedder" of women...

Did you guess despot?  

Then "Another One Bites The Dust."  That's Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury.  I'm fairly certain he never wore a "cunt cap."  

True story.  Look it up!

4. 

I'm sure this guy is all about guns!

And by "guns" I mean a Magnum!  

P.I. that is.  

Detroit Tigers hat, Hawaiian shirt and a Ferrari, though in this photo, Tom Selleck only needs his iconic 80s 'stash to be properly I.D.'d.

5.

Is that a "duck face?"

Well, it sure is!  As in, "You better fucking duck or Saddam is going to shoot your ass!"

You can call what he's wearing a beret, but that right there ladies and gentlemen, is a goddamn CUNT CAP!

How are you doing so far?  

5 for 5?

GREAT!  Let's keep going:

6. 

I'm getting a Hannibal Smith from The A-Team feel on this one. 

"I love it when a plan comes together..."

And that "plan" of course, is to play an international game of "chicken" with John F. Kennedy in 1962.  

Oh, Fidel Castro, you minx!

7. 

Come on!  Everyone knows this dictator...

It's "The Great Dictator!"  

I know what you're thinking, "Kevin, Charlie Chaplin isn't an 80s icon!"

Sure he is!  He was born April 16, 1889.  

The old Tramp trick.

SIDE NOTE:  This is a NO HITLER Game Show

8. 

Sex appeal...

Nice!  Who is that rugged movie star?  

Joseph Stalin you say?

The Russian dictator who is responsible for the deaths of between 4 million and nearly 10 million, not including those who died in 

famines?

Oh.

Great.

Umm...

...nice scarf, I guess.

This game just gotten a bit awkward, didn't it?

9.

So what did this asshole do?

...How about a little something called "Smokey & The Mother Fuckin' Bandit!"

and the Cannonball Run movies.

Burt!

Legend.

Last question...

10.

This is a MOTHER FUCKING terrorist...

...to every hitter in Major League Baseball from the 1970s through the 1980s.

Rollie Fingers.

So, Mr. Assad, the next time you're thinking of putting the smack down on your own people, just remember you don't need to resort to chemical warfare.  

Some well placed mustache wax and a hard biting sinker will usually do the job.