A Second Chance (For A Third Time)

I like really weird and nonsensical stuff.

I was obsessed with MTV's The State and Mr. Show in the 90s.

Lately I have been watching "I Think You Should Leave" with Tim Robinson. It's fantastic.

So last night I wanted to watch something short that I wouldn't have to invest a lot of emotional time into.

I stumbled across something from 2018 called "Party Monster: Scratching the Surface."

It looked like a stand alone mock-u-mentary starring Jon Hamm. So I started watching it. It was asinine and immature, and quite frankly exactly what I was looking for.

I laughed a ton and wondered, "How in the hell had I never heard of this before?"

And then, about half way through the 30+ minute short, Kimmy Schmidt showed up.

Allow me a moment to talk about, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, for anyone who doesn't know, was a series originally developed for NBC. It would eventually be sold to Netflix in 2015.

It was created by Tiny Fey (creator of 30 Rock) and Robert Carlock (show runner for 30 Rock), and starred Ellie Kempler. Remember when I said, "I was obsessed with The State and Mr. Show?" Yeah, well add 30 Rock to that list! 30 Rock remains one of my top 5 sitcoms of all time. It was both sketch and narrative at the same time. It was able to jump from reoccurring "bit," to almost drama, to biting social commentary, to poop joke all within 2 or 3 lines of dialogue. It is a much smarter show than it is typically given credit. So it would make sense that I would LOVE anything and everything by the creative forces behind it. But then there's Kimmy Schmidt.

I remember the excitement the day that Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt debuted. People were praising it left and right on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In (maybe)...So I couldn't wait to check it out! Then I did...

...I hated it. Not hated, but rather was completely bored. I didn't care about any of the characters. I found the first few moments to be laborious. HOLY SHIT! How am I going to get through this episode, let alone the whole season?!?

The short answer, I wouldn't. I used to do a podcast called "You've Got Geek." On it, we'd talk about movies or TV shows that you can "fold your laundry to." It basically meant, you could watch it without "watching it."
Think Cheers.

James Burrows used to equate Cheers (and Frasier, and Wings, and Friends...) to old radio shows. You didn't need to be invested visually to appreciate the show. And while that may be true, I have always had a hard time watching something and NOT being completely invested. I realize that this contradicts what I said earlier about how I, "wanted to watch something...that I wouldn't have to invest a lot of emotion into." But the fact is, I CAN'T!!! Even the dumbest little thing like a sketch or mock-u-mentary, I am all in.

Otherwise, I'm ALL OUT!
So back to Kimmy.

I turned on the first episode. And I couldn't get into it.

I paused it.
I walked away.
I watched while folding laundry.
I even turned it off for a few hours and went grocery shopping.

I just couldn't invest myself.

Finally, at the end of the day, I made it through the first episode!!!

Over the course of the next few days I allowed the next two episodes to play in the background of my life. I would find myself getting pulled away and didn't even bother to pause it.

"Ah, whatever," was my thinking. "I'll figure out what's going on."

And then. I just stopped.

Two and a half, maybe three episodes in, I was done.

Three more seasons would eventually be released much to the pleasure and joyous accolades of many of my friends.

I was happy for them. But I had no interest in the show.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I did attempt again. Somewhere along the way, I rewatched episode one. After all, I remember having a similar reaction to Orange is the New Black's first episode.

Julie and I watched it. She liked it, but I wasn't into it, so we stopped. That was it....until later, when I gave it another chance and ended up loving it! I devoured it, WITHOUT Julie. I have always felt badly about that, which Julie loves to torture me over.

Perhaps I merely wasn't in the right emotional place when I attempted to watch Kimmy Schmidt...or I just had some important goddamn items on my grocery list! So I went back and rewatched episode one. The results were the same.

Cooler version of me bored and apparently wearing a tie while I watch TV.

That brings us back to last night.

I LOVED Party Monster (not to be confused with Party Monster the book by James St. James which I read and loved! OR Party Monster the movie with Macauley Culkin and Seth Green, BASED on the book by James St. James, which I saw and liked).

How could this be so?

It's the same writers.
The same production staff.
Hell, even many of the same characters!

Is it possible that BOTH times I attempted to watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I wasn't in the right mindset?

Would the third time be the charm?

I mean, I really liked this mock-u-mentary, but would a 30 minute short be enough to convince me to watch 51 episodes of a show I was rather bored with on a previous attempt?

The answer, yes.

But this time, I'll watch it with Julie. Just on the off chance we have another Orange is the New Black situation on our hands and I can make that up to her!

Otherwise, she can suffer with me as pay back for constantly reminding me I made her stop watching it in the first place.

Advice to Donald Trump: "Don't Say A Word"

Where's the button that shuts down the government for a month?

While pleading his case, AKA grasping at straws, for his pointless WA11, current US President (under investigation) Donald J. Trump is getting blasted for repeatedly claiming "women have been discovered covered in duct tape" and "prayer rugs had been found by farmers near the Mexican border."

Of course neither of these tidbits were ascertained through the Intelligence Community, but rather through Trumps personal network of information, Netflix. More specifically while watching the 2015 film, Sicario on Netflix.

Ten bucks says he makes someone "sit" on the couch in front of him while he watches.
One hundred and fifty thousand bucks says he has Michael Cohen pay them not to tell his wife!

OK. I admit it, this is FAKE NEWS. Sicario is not actually on Netflix...which honestly, is some bullshit Netflix! After all, if you're going to raise my monthly charge AGAIN (Stranger Things Season 3 better be worth it!) the least you can do is stream the film that basically shut down the government for over a month!
Perhaps Trump has a Blu-Ray, DVD, digital download, or even a VHS. 
*Writer's Note: I checked after writing this, Sicario was never released on VHS. But maybe Trump taped over something he already had...perhaps a certain "Pee Tape."
(*Editor Note: That was typo that was supposed to read "Pee Wee Herman Tape")
(*Editor's Note Part II: Why didn't I just fix the typo you ask? Because it's not my fucking job to fix Kevin's mistakes!)
(*Editor's Note Part III: Oh! That is an editor's actual job? Who knew?)

Regardless of how he viewed it, people are up in arms over Trump dictating policy based on a movie he watched.

Here's the thing...he's not the first President to do this! I mean come on! Ronald Reagan basically had ALL of The Soviet Union standing in food lines when he damn near bankrupted the nation after a late night screening of Star Wars.
*Look it up, it's not entirely untrue.

He would have loved Jar Jar...as long as Jar Jar didn't have AIDS.

On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, President Barack Obama was unwinding after a long day and he found a VHS tape left over from the Bush Administration. Ironically, the video was also celebrating a 10 year anniversary that month, Don't Say A Word.

The movie starred Michael Douglas and Brittnay Murphy.

President Obama hated it so much, especially the creepy "I'll never tell..." scene with Murphy in the insane asylum, that Obama swore to bring down the movie.

Less than 2 weeks later, on 9/20/2011, Obama signed The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act of 2010 (H.R. 2965, S. 4023)

Also, the VHS tape was recorded over with the final episode of All My Children on 9/23/2011. Most people have since forgotten about this film securing Obama's legacy in perpetuity. 

What a terrible punishment for the Obama girls.

Much to Barbara Bush's chagrin, her moments younger twin sister, Jenna always got to pick the movie night film for the Bush girl's birthday. Though the sisters had a joint Blockbuster account, their tastes in movies varied greatly. Jenna preferred comedies and lighthearted films. While Barbara like much darker, often times boring films. 

Thanksgiving 2003, newly 22 year old Jenna brought a copy of "Dude Where's My Car" to family movie night. 

Hoping to finally be taken seriously, Barbara brought along "Don't Say a Word." Her father President George W. Bush didn't even waste time on "eeny meenying" it. "Dude Where's My Car," went in the VCR, "Don't Say a Word" was discarded to the dustbin of history (along with some crumpled up papers where Dick Chaney was "spitballing" about how to "relieve" Bush of all that work).

What is that I see in the waste basket by the American Flag? Sorry Barbara.

One week later, clearly having "theft" from the fears of "a dude" having their car stolen on his mind, Bush speaks of the Identity Theft Legislation. Legislation which he'd sign into law a short time later (HR 1731). 

"And then..."
And then a whole bunch of war crimes, I guess.

"The truth really IS out there!"

                              - Bill Clinton

President William Jefferson Clinton was a fan of movies. More importantly, he was a fan of an invention his VP Al Gore came up with called The Internet.

After stumbling upon a Gillian Anderson geocities page filled with sexy photos, Clinton was hooked!

However, he needed more, and feared that a computer monopoly might inhibit the free market. Therefore, The United States vs Microsoft Corp. began. Ushering in a new age of the world wide web which includes such things as Pornhub.com. A place to find poorly doctored photographs...also Blogger.com.

And George HW Bush...did things too (more war crimes, maybe)?

Why did they watch TV like this when there were only 3 channels? They knew they didn't need a different TV to watch each channel, right?

The point is...

...Fuck. I forget what my point was.
*(Editor's Note: Ya got me...)

I guess the point is, maybe listen to your Intelligence Agencies as opposed to whipping people into a frenzy over information that is inaccurate, AKA completely fictional.

When in doubt, just don't say a word...but don't WATCH "Don't Say a Word!"

Netflix/Marvel Pitch Meetings...in 4 Parts

PART 1:

The pitch: "It's the story of a blind lawyer who is waging a constant internal battle between using the legal system, within the bounds of societal rule, to fight crime, versus bending those very laws he's sworn to uphold thus allowing himself the freedom to fight evil forces through his own brand of well honed vigilantism. It's called, Daredevil."

Netflix: "Wow! That sounds incredible."

PART 2:

The pitch: "It's the story of a woman who has tried to keep her super powers a secret, to the point of not even using them. Yet she has a sense of guilt that forces her to help others through a detective agency. Through her journey, we see her reconnect with a dear friend as well as overcome the strangle hold of a previous abusive relationship that has been a huge roadblock for her becoming the person she was always meant to be. The show would rely heavily on the allegory of the strength of women putting an end to abuse in their lives. It's called Jessica Jones."

Netflix: "Wow! That's impressive! It's been far too long since television has celebrated the strength of females. Well done."

PART 3:

The pitch: "It's the story of an african american man of immeasurable strength, both physically and emotionally. At first he's painted by the police and the press as a villain, but quickly his community rallies behind him realizing the benefits this one man brings in extinguishing crime in what was once the vibrant city of Harlem. The modern struggle of civil rights as well as the power of R&B are backdrops to this series. Imagine a society where a black man was bullet proof. It's called Luke Cage."

Netflix: "Wow! Powerful stuff. And how eerily apropos for this time in our history. This is just the kind of innovation that we encourage here at Netflix."

PART 4:

The pitch: "It's about a guy who punches really hard. It's called Iron Fist."

Netflix: "Umm...ok. Anything else?"

(Looks around at the other producers)
The pitch: "Ahhhh....everyone drinks a lot of coffee?"
Netflix: "Can his fist glow or something?"

The pitch: "I guess so."

Netflix: "Yeah. Whatever."

Rule Number 3

There are three things that separate human beings from animals:

1. if a child runs out into the street, you grab that child.  You don't have to know them.  You don't have to have a child of your own.  You don't even have to like children.  You can be a Hatfield and the child could be a McCoy, but if he runs into the street, you grab that kid!

2. we tell each other when you don't need to pay for parking.  Because fuck the parking authority!  ALL PARKING AUTHORITIES!  If you live in a town or know the parking restriction time limits in said town, you share that information with your fellow "parkers."  If someone is about to pay for parking in center city Philadelphia on a Wednesday night, you let them know parking is free.  That's what Jesus would do (if the quarters didn't slip through his hand holes).

3. KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT!  This one trumps ALL other rules.  ALL OF THEM!  To hell with that kid, he should have known better and this will be a tough lesson learned!  And so what about the stupid $3.00 you paid when you didn't have to, maybe if you paid closer attention to things involving your car, you wouldn't have hit that kid that darted out in the street!  No, rule number three is PARAMOUNT!  NO one, and I mean NO ONE spoils the end of Breaking Bad!

Will Walter White live? Will he die?  Will he ever buy a hat that doesn't look like one Cliff Huxtable would wear to the jazz clubs?

Couldn't find the hat photo...

With the emergence of Netflix and Hulu Plus and a slew of other ways to watch past aired television, so many of our fellow beings are still catching up on the Emmy Award winning "Best Drama" Breaking Bad.   It is an unspoken pact we make as members of the human race, NOT to spoil a show such as this.  The outcome is destined to be a "Rosebud" or an Intergalactic father/son relationship between the protagonist/antagonist.  Simply put, don't be the asshole who says, "I'm the one who spoils."

I will be watching the show live.  I killed myself over the summer getting caught up i n order to watch the fate of Walter White along side my fellow geeks.  And then I'll follow number 3 and keep my trap shut.  If you must "spoil" something, might I recommend another show that recently ended, Dexter.  Of course to that I say GOOD LUCK, since the writers spoiled it somewhere around season 3.