Advice to Donald Trump: "Don't Say A Word"

Where's the button that shuts down the government for a month?

While pleading his case, AKA grasping at straws, for his pointless WA11, current US President (under investigation) Donald J. Trump is getting blasted for repeatedly claiming "women have been discovered covered in duct tape" and "prayer rugs had been found by farmers near the Mexican border."

Of course neither of these tidbits were ascertained through the Intelligence Community, but rather through Trumps personal network of information, Netflix. More specifically while watching the 2015 film, Sicario on Netflix.

Ten bucks says he makes someone "sit" on the couch in front of him while he watches.
One hundred and fifty thousand bucks says he has Michael Cohen pay them not to tell his wife!

OK. I admit it, this is FAKE NEWS. Sicario is not actually on Netflix...which honestly, is some bullshit Netflix! After all, if you're going to raise my monthly charge AGAIN (Stranger Things Season 3 better be worth it!) the least you can do is stream the film that basically shut down the government for over a month!
Perhaps Trump has a Blu-Ray, DVD, digital download, or even a VHS. 
*Writer's Note: I checked after writing this, Sicario was never released on VHS. But maybe Trump taped over something he already had...perhaps a certain "Pee Tape."
(*Editor Note: That was typo that was supposed to read "Pee Wee Herman Tape")
(*Editor's Note Part II: Why didn't I just fix the typo you ask? Because it's not my fucking job to fix Kevin's mistakes!)
(*Editor's Note Part III: Oh! That is an editor's actual job? Who knew?)

Regardless of how he viewed it, people are up in arms over Trump dictating policy based on a movie he watched.

Here's the thing...he's not the first President to do this! I mean come on! Ronald Reagan basically had ALL of The Soviet Union standing in food lines when he damn near bankrupted the nation after a late night screening of Star Wars.
*Look it up, it's not entirely untrue.

He would have loved Jar Jar...as long as Jar Jar didn't have AIDS.

On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, President Barack Obama was unwinding after a long day and he found a VHS tape left over from the Bush Administration. Ironically, the video was also celebrating a 10 year anniversary that month, Don't Say A Word.

The movie starred Michael Douglas and Brittnay Murphy.

President Obama hated it so much, especially the creepy "I'll never tell..." scene with Murphy in the insane asylum, that Obama swore to bring down the movie.

Less than 2 weeks later, on 9/20/2011, Obama signed The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act of 2010 (H.R. 2965, S. 4023)

Also, the VHS tape was recorded over with the final episode of All My Children on 9/23/2011. Most people have since forgotten about this film securing Obama's legacy in perpetuity. 

What a terrible punishment for the Obama girls.

Much to Barbara Bush's chagrin, her moments younger twin sister, Jenna always got to pick the movie night film for the Bush girl's birthday. Though the sisters had a joint Blockbuster account, their tastes in movies varied greatly. Jenna preferred comedies and lighthearted films. While Barbara like much darker, often times boring films. 

Thanksgiving 2003, newly 22 year old Jenna brought a copy of "Dude Where's My Car" to family movie night. 

Hoping to finally be taken seriously, Barbara brought along "Don't Say a Word." Her father President George W. Bush didn't even waste time on "eeny meenying" it. "Dude Where's My Car," went in the VCR, "Don't Say a Word" was discarded to the dustbin of history (along with some crumpled up papers where Dick Chaney was "spitballing" about how to "relieve" Bush of all that work).

What is that I see in the waste basket by the American Flag? Sorry Barbara.

One week later, clearly having "theft" from the fears of "a dude" having their car stolen on his mind, Bush speaks of the Identity Theft Legislation. Legislation which he'd sign into law a short time later (HR 1731). 

"And then..."
And then a whole bunch of war crimes, I guess.

"The truth really IS out there!"

                              - Bill Clinton

President William Jefferson Clinton was a fan of movies. More importantly, he was a fan of an invention his VP Al Gore came up with called The Internet.

After stumbling upon a Gillian Anderson geocities page filled with sexy photos, Clinton was hooked!

However, he needed more, and feared that a computer monopoly might inhibit the free market. Therefore, The United States vs Microsoft Corp. began. Ushering in a new age of the world wide web which includes such things as Pornhub.com. A place to find poorly doctored photographs...also Blogger.com.

And George HW Bush...did things too (more war crimes, maybe)?

Why did they watch TV like this when there were only 3 channels? They knew they didn't need a different TV to watch each channel, right?

The point is...

...Fuck. I forget what my point was.
*(Editor's Note: Ya got me...)

I guess the point is, maybe listen to your Intelligence Agencies as opposed to whipping people into a frenzy over information that is inaccurate, AKA completely fictional.

When in doubt, just don't say a word...but don't WATCH "Don't Say a Word!"

PresiDIDN'Ts

As I write this, the government has been shut down for 17 days, 6 hours, 49 minutes, and 11 seconds. So almost 15 days longer than Britney Spears marriage to Jason Alexander...

Not THAT Jason Alexander!

**********

On Friday January 4th, Donald Trump addressed the flowers in the Rose Garden. Luckily, some reporters were on hand to document his crazed ramblings, including the following in regards to his mythical wall:

This is national security we’re talking about. We’re not talking about games. We’re talking about national security. This should have been done by all of the Presidents that preceded me. And they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it.

So a few quick things.

First of all, before you think I have misquoted him in anyway. THIS excerpt was taken directly from the White House's own website.

Second, let's not speak so confidentially about there NOT being a "National Security" game. After all, there are a few.

There's Homeland, the board game. For when you have absolutely nothing else in your life.

There's the Homeland Defense: National Security Patrol video games for teens who have yet to discover that there's porn to be found on the computer.

And finally there's the original National Security game, Risk. A game about global domination appropriate for ages 10-Despot.

Third and lastly, the reason I brought you all here, is to discuss the last line in the quote above, in which Mr, Trump says, "Some of them have told me that we should have done it." Referring to the fact that some of "the Presidents that preceded me," have told Trump that their administration should have built a wall.

Here's the issue: When you refer to abstract things IN the abstract, they are pretty hard to fact check "We need a wall, believe me!" But when you refer to concrete things (get it, walls are made of concrete) in the abstract, they are rather easily researchable.

Presidents Carter, W. Bush, Clinton, and Obama have all commented, through spokespeople, that they NEVER discussed the wall with the current President.

President HW Bush couldn't be reached for comment, because he's dead.
Though those close to him revealed that in his failing health during the Trump Presidency ("failing health" and "Trump Presidency" are synonyms.),  HW and Trump never had any substantive conversations.

A few of the former Presidents, including Carter, have also included their opinions regarding the wall in the exact opposite of Trump's claim.

Which leads me to the following...does this man, who cares very little of history or facts at all, think that most people were once the President?

Or, and this is where I'm leaning, did he in fact talk to a man who used to be president, and also a client, Sy Sperling?

I mean...we KNOW they've had at least ONE conversation before. Perhaps in that conversation more than one thing "came to a head."

2016 Presidential Beauty Pageant

Tonight officially kicks off the beginning of the 2016 Presidential race. Tonight also marks the end of an era...

Choose wisely...or just throw a dart and see who you hit.

(Seriously, throw a fucking dart at them!)

Tonight is like Halloween for politico junkies. Everyone puts on "costumes," and by the end of the night, you've ingested so much garbage, you think you're going to throw up.

FoxNews, who surprisingly is hosting the Republican Debate, has chosen the 10 candidates who will compete. 3 of whom are polling in double digits and 4 of whom are polling at 5% or less.

What is the structure of tonight's contest? Well, without doing any research, I'll assume it looks something like this:

1. Composite Score

Composite Scores are calculated from data in multiple variables. Vague, right?

This can pretty much be summed up by the candidate's polling numbers which are pulled from everything from their sporting prowess...

(From left to right: Chris Christie (Gov-NJ) in a snowball fight, Marco Rubio (Sen-FL) stealing someone's ball, and Rand Paul (Sen-KY) both stretching and "showing off the goods.")

...to their top score in Dig Dug.

(Scott Walker (Gov-WI) doing his "Victory" dance after getting the all time high score on Dig Dug - thus gaining support from Big Oil Companies everywhere).

2. Talent

Of course, the Talent portion of the competition is where MOST of the candidates falter, seeing as none of them have any real talent (that's why they are politicians after all). This year, in an effort to make candidates seem reasonably talented, FoxNews has deemed this the "Pointing competition."

All candidates will stand and point, and be judged on style, body position, and "pointiness." Though all excel in pointing, the front runners are as follows:

(From left to right: Scott Walker's "Wink & Shoot"), Chris Christie's "I'll Kick Your Ass," and Ted Cruz's (Sen-TX) "Almost a 'Shocker'.")

The biggest underdogs in this category are Jeb Bush & Marco Rubio:

Sources report that John Kasich (Gov-OH) has been working tirelessly with 2012 Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney to improve his game.

Though, the man to beat in the "Pointing Competition" is clearly Donald Trump.

3. Evening Wear

This might be the most controversial of all the categories in tonight's event, as has been pointed out by FoxNews, "judging men based on what they are wearing is demeaning."

Personally, I think this is ridiculous. I think it clearly makes them look smarter and more engaged. But a "hater's gonna hate, hate, hate..."

EXCLUSIVE! We have been able to acquire many of the outfits in advance of tonight's Evening Wear Competition:

4. On-Stage Question

Candidates will each be asked 1 question. Some past favorites include "What's your favorite ice cream," or "Can I have a hug?"

As always, candidates will NOT be obligated to answer the question they are asked. They are permitted to answer an entirely different question, just rattle off a bunch of unrelated "talking points," or PASS.

This section is expected to last about 3 minutes, including the commercial break.

5. Music Break

Now that we are about 10 minutes into this 2 hour event, we'll have a mini concert for the next hour and 40 minutes. 

Luckily, FoxNews was able to book Mike Huckabee and the Hucka-Burning-Love Band. 

Rumor has it, that Josh Duggar will join "The Hucker" on stage to do a moving rendition of "Can't Help Falling In Love."

Then there will be a video montage of all of the candidate's American Flag pins followed by the event we have ALL been waiting for:

6. The Swimsuit Competition

HELLO NURSE!

And that's pretty much it.

So tune in...

If you have a suggested question, go ahead and submit via Twitter with the hashtag: #megynkellydebatequestions or just go ahead and read some of those SWEET questions already tweeted.

And the end of the era I spoke of...

After tonight's debate, one of my idols, Jon Stewart, will end his 16 year reign behind the desk at The Daily Show.

16 years. That's 4 Presidential terms. 2 Presidents (1 of whom was good).

I'll miss you, Jon. 

I am grateful for the 16 years,

I am happy you are leaving on top and on your own terms.

I wish you well.

I long to see what you do next.

Thank You, Sir.

#JonVoyage

Wizard World 2007

Judge Orders Man Not to Have Girlfriend
By Associated Press

Thu Jun 14, 9:12 AM
PETERBOROUGH, Ontario - A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years.

Let me tell you folks, that judge is a real f'ing prick! However, unlike the all too debated Paris Hilton case, I think this sentence will be carried out...and then some.

Well ladies and virgins...er gentlemen, Wizard World 2007 was held this weekend in the City of Brotherly Love. And well, if there's any love in store for these guys it is either going to be Brotherly, or well paid for.

Now, allow me to dispel a few beliefs that have circulated in regards to comic books, and those who read them. Not every single person who reads a comic book is, in fact cool. No, it’s true. Some of these fellows are socially awkward. Let’s face it, many are just plain nerds. I know it goes against everything we’ve learned throughout our days on this mortal coil…but alas, many a comic reader…is a fucking geek.

There is however, one thing that unifies all of “Nerdom”. They all seem to possess the uncanny ability to sew. Why is that I wonder? And why is it that they only have one pattern that they’ve mastered through the years? Red, white and blue…Betsy Ross would be proud. Hell, perhaps history never told us of the 30 plus year old son she had living in her basement long after the colonies were granted their sovereignty.

Lucky for us these cretins weren’t given a seat at the table while this country’s traditions were being laid, or we might all “Pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of Captain America.”
Don’t get me wrong there was much to be joyous about at the Convention.

Like when you pray that your camera is out of focus enough that you can deny until your dying breath that you are not in the picture. After all, who in their right mind would ever allow a character from Marvel’s Universe to be seen with a character from DC? I mean, what is this a “crossover?” What? Your "Average Joe" knows what a crossover is right? RIGHT? I fear I may have outed myself.


Well, at least let me put to bed the rumors that these Nerdly get-togethers are nothing but a sausage fest. Nothing could be further from the truth. This fine, young, lass seemed to be enjoying her womanly self just fine, although she did seem obsessed with finding a guy with a silver helmet. I told her mine was peach, and I called it Serpentor. It didn’t go over as well as you’d think.

But alas my salvation came thanks to what I assume was a loose snake in the audience. For a guy with a burlap bag over his head, who I guess was the snake's handler, ran by yelling, “La,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la, COBRA!”

There were also some very interesting developments announced for the future of comic books. As many of you know, Marvel Comics decided to kill off one of it's more popular characters in March--Captain America. Well Marvel, which typically waits until the Comic Convention in San Diego to make big annoucements, shocked everyone in Philadelphia this weekend.

Apparently Captain America will be replaced by Major Hezbollah. After the “bombshell” revelation, comic book stores throughout the Middle East were bombarded with preorders for the next issue…and then the stores were blown up.

When asked to comment President Bush said, "Comics? I like that Marmaduke."

Marmaduke’s circulation increased by 11%, the President’s approval rating dropped 12.

Even amoung the scores of people spilling out of their home made Spiderman costumes, a face or two might surprise you. I was slightly taken aback to learn that our Lord and Savior was present for the event.

He told me he came in 2nd at the Guitar Hero Tournament. He said he felt might have won the “crown,” had he been allowed more time to practice. However, much of his spare time has been interrupt lately with people praying for “Peace in the Middle East.” He then pointed to Major Hezbollah and said, “Fat Chance.”

In a nutshell, that was the day.

I won’t go into too much detail, but I was asked to leave early. You might think the masses figure out that I intended to expose them all with my indepth blog reporting? Or perhaps a few ladies at the Suicide Girls table claimed my zipper continually fell down? Maybe even my persistantly insisting that Dirk Benedict come to my house later to make Body Slam 2…but you would be wrong. The real reason I was asked to leave? My Aquaman Tee-shirt.

As I was being thrown off the premises I shouted, “I’m all about the Bitches and the Fishes.”

And then me and this dude fuckin' party like it was 1999!

And then he ate my Aquaman tee-shirt, which was a bummer because it cost me $19.99.