Humpty Dumpty, Frosty the Snowman & Jesus

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Nowhere does it say, Humpty was an egg. In fact it makes almost NO sense that he IS an egg.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Humpty Dumpty was originally published in 1797 in Samuel Arnold's Juvenile Amusements. The line originally read:

Fourscore men and fourscore more,
Could not make Humpty Dumpty where he was before.

Thus eliminating the fragile smashability of his egg-like being.

Perhaps you've heard this before, or perhaps this is the first time you have heard it. Either way, it's not really earth shattering...but this just might be:

Frosty The Snowman is NOT a Christmas Song!

Recently, I have been hearing a lot of people voicing their disapproval at this years particularly early "Christmas push." Decorations have been on sale since the end of September and commercials have been running since just before Halloween. Personally, this doesn't bother me but I have heard the ire of the people.

So I started paying closer attention.

I have noticed some wreaths, and even full on Christmas lights & reindeer at a local public facility. Then yesterday, as I drove into the corporate park I work at, I notice a big snowman. This was particularly funny, because one of the guys I work with voices his dismay towards the pre-Thanksgiving holiday push, LOUDLY.

I know he drives right by that snowman, so I pictured him being pissed first thing in the morning. But then it hit me...a snowman represents winter, not Christmas, which means, Frosty is NOT a Christmas song.

To confirm this, I listened to a version of Jimmy Durante singing the "carol" on my iPod (with ear buds to keep anyone within earshot from accusing me of a premature holiday ejaculation of sorts).

There are the lyrics:

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around
Oh, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Over the hills of snow

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day
So he said
Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away
Down to the village
With a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all
Around the square saying
Catch me if you can
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye saying
Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Over the hills of snow

No mention of Christmas, whatsoever. The cartoon (narrated by Durrante), is where the idea of Christmas and Frosty being formed from "Christmas snow", originates. But rather, the song is a simple tale of a snowman who comes to life on any given day in the winter. Or, possibly the summer for that matter (if we're talking Northern Alaska or the Arctic region). No date is specified in the song.

I decided (because I can't help myself) to type the following into Google:

"Frosty the Snowman, an allegory for Christ."

Well, as is often the case with a Google search, I wasn't disappointed. I stumbled on a "Frosty the Snowman" forum (I shit you, not!). 

Frosty the Symbol (good one) posts the following:

Frosty is Jesus

Frosty comes into the world

Frosty does what he does

Frosty dies (melts away)

Frosty will "come back some day" (the foundation of Christianity - the faith/belief that Jesus will return)

"Frosty the Snowman" is a religious allegory

He then goes on to define "allegory," which might be the only insightful information he included in his post.

Robert Langdon (or someone who reads Dan Brown) broke the song down into the following algorithmic anagram:

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Look at Frosty go.

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Over the hills of snow.

3:33

3:33

run

3:33

3:33

altitude cold weather training.

He further speculates that Frosty can run a 3:33 mile. Apparently Guinness hasn't updated their facts yet, since they currently have the fastest mile held by Hicham El Guerrouj at 3:43.13.

Silas (another user name) asks the question that immediately came to my mind, "what does the old silk hat they found" signify?

Americans Are Ignorant replied: I would like to point out that most Americans are too stupid to figure this out on their own. 

This was not very informative.

SMJO suggests "the old silk hat is the Shroud of Turin." 

Though it should be mentioned he cites neither his findings nor his credentials to make such an assertion. If he was merely looking to make a guess, he would have been better off trying "a thorn of crowns" for at least they are both head wear.

Al Gore Mind Control then pairs off either for or against Al Gore Super Mind Control (I couldn't tell what either person was attempting to argue).

But, without a doubt, my favorite was this gem from Sam W:

The silk hat represents the baptism by John the Baptist and the traffic cop is Pontius Pilate.

I know kid, I am weeping too.
Sam W even puts a link to a geocities website that is no longer being supported. I would have given my left snowball to have read the source material on this one.

In the end we'll just keep believing that Frosty The Snowman is a Christmas song and that Humpty Dumpty is an egg...wait...Christmas Eggs! 

THE ORIGIN OF EGG NOG!

Now we're on to something...

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm)

"Thanks for the Christmas Card You sent me, Violet!" 

OK...I don't do Christmas Cards. I'm lazy and you're ungrateful. Let's just call it even, shall we? 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I do however, throw parties from time to time. The biggest one of the year being a karaoke party for my dear friend Kerry's birthday, thus "Kerryoke." 
"Ooooooooh! I just thought you couldn't spell." 

Yeah. There's that too. 

But undoubtedly, I get the old sarcastic standby, "thanks for the invite" from somebody. 

Here's the deal, I don't use Facebook for events. My reason is, no one reads them. They get lumped in with the Farmville invites, and the Candy Crush invites, and the comment notifications you receive from when you told someone to "Get Well Soon" 3 months ago, and their Aunt Grace is just now getting around to writing on that thread. 

It's a lot of clutter. 

Instead, I use the archaic invitation site, Evite. 

For Kerryoke, I have used it for 6 of the 8 parties. Every year, I just re import the email addresses and hit send. BAM! "Your attendance is kindly requested." Then...I wait. 

"Jesus replied, Yes" 

AWESOME! JESUS is coming! (Which is always good because then you buy a case of water and you're set with libations!) 

I turn off the email notifications, but still check Evite about 2-3 times a week. The best feature is that I can tell when someone actually viewed the invitation. #SNOWDENWASRIGHT! 

"Lucifer read this on 6/6/6" 

"WTF! Why didn't Lucifer reply yet? He probably wants to see if there's anything better going on that night. What a dickbag." 

Here's what I hate about Evite, and the biggest issue with the site:  Ready? Wait for it...it's...YOU! Not you, you. But YOU. The fact that you "don't use that email anymore." Which brings me to the crux of this blog entry: 

What is the up with people changing their emails every 12 seconds? 

Not counting work, I have had 4 emails in my lifetime. The first was an AOL account. Then a Hotmail (I literally checked it about 5 times and then abandoned it). Then a Yahoo account (which has an auto response on it telling you, I no longer use this email address). Finally my Gmail account. I also, have a ComedySportz email, but it funnels to my current email. And I used to have a League email account from when we did the web series.

Even this seems excessive. BUT, during the same time period, I had as many physical addresses. 
1 - My parent's house that I grew up in 
2 - Temple University when I went to college 
3 - My apartment with Julie 
4 - My house with Julie. 

So all in all, seems reasonable, right? 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I go back and check the EVITE list. And see THAT person's email address. WTF? 

"Look Lucifer, I invited you!" 
"Oh. I don't use that address anymore. That 's my old Hotmail account" (Get it? He's from Hell) 
"OK. Well I didn't get the memo that you changed it." 
"Yeah...well..." 
"'Well' what Lucifer? You know what? Fuck you. I'm glad you weren't there. All you'd do is sing 'I Went Down To Georgia' over and over anyway. We got it the first time, A-hole!" 

Lucifer and I are currently not talking. He needs time to cool off (Get it? The Hell thing again...) 

Seriously though, it's not my fault you changed your email and didn't tell anyone. 

Of course, this is my favorite: 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I go back and check the EVITE list. And see THAT person's email address. 

"Lucifer read this on 6/6/6" 

"I did invite you! AND you read the invite on 6/6/6!" 
"Oh. I must have deleted it." 
"Fuck you, dude." 
"Friend me on Facebook and create an Event." 
"Fine!" 

Two weeks later: 

"Lucifer has invited you to play CANDYCRUSH." 

"God, I fucking hate that guy! I should defriend him. What would Jesus do? Wait...what the...I think Jesus defriended me. CRAP!" 

The Ultimate Game of Shirts Vs Skins

(TIL) Today I learned that Jesus' Foreskin is missing!!!

what, what WHAT?!?

I mean, of course it's "missing." Eight days after he was born it was removed ala Jewish custom, thus it went "missing" from his body. But I mean, it's been stolen!

Let's rewind...about 2000 years.

According to About.com:

Rome's churches are filled with countless religious relics. In the Middle Ages, relic veneration became obligatory and every church in Christendom was required to have a holy relic. Relics can include anything from the body parts of a saint to shards of the True Cross to pieces of cloth that have rubbed against a saint's tomb.

That means, not only does Jesus foreskin count (creepy!) but so does the Shroud of Turin! Which, NOT very surprisingly, resides in the Cathedral of John the Baptist in Turin. So if the Catholic Church was to host a softball game between the Cathedral of John the Baptist in Turin and the Church of Calcata in Rome, where Jesus' prepuce resides, it would be the ultimate game of Skirts vs Skins.

But alas, this Holiest of Holy Relics has been stolen!!!

ALERT the Holy Authorities!

Two quick questions:
1. Who do you call when someone's foreskin goes missing?
2. And, possibly more importantly, who do you call when that someone is JESUS?

Is there a Missing Foreskins Dept? Or a lost & found that we can check? We must find it before the trail goes cold. When did it go missing?

1983.

Come again?

Nineteen eighty, fucking three!

So apparently, Jesus' foreskin went missing over 30 years ago! And I'm just getting around to hearing this today?!?

Wait! Before you go think I am behind this, it should be known that I was only eight in 1983.
*This is probably as good a place as any to remind my readers that I am a terrible speller. And from time to time I will use "to" instead of "too" or even on more than one occasion, "two." In this particular situation however, I would like full credit for spelling "eight" and NOT "ate" giving you, dear reader, a horrific thought regarding what could have happened to the previously mentioned foreskin.  Feel free to read about that possibility at this WEIRDO blog:

8 vs ATE

How did the culprit, or more likely army of culprits, overthrow the armed militia protecting this most sacred of artifacts?

Justin Bieber gets more security at his concerts...and he's a dick too!

(umm, it...it wasn't being guarded)

WHAT?!? This is, as Christians believe, the only remaining body part of the Lord Jesus Christ, that resides here on earth! How the heck-fire could it NOT be guarded? Even the Shroud of Turin, which was merely a sweat rag was hidden for decades by the Knights Templar and even now is protected around the clock by armed guards.

To put it in layman terms, it would be like a sports fan who has acquired some sports memorabilia, including the famous towel Mean Joe Green throws to the little kid in the Coca-cola ad from the eighties. And he takes better care of that than the other piece of memorabilia in his collection, Mean Joe Green's FUCKING dick!

You know you want to photoshop that bottle

But, I'm sure that the Church was equipped with a state of the art security system that was somehow thwarted by the scoundrels who stole this most blessed of body parts.

(nope)

REALLY?!?

(if was in the home of a local priest)

What, like hidden in a floor board of something?

(uhhh...no. It was in his closet. In a shoebox.)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? IT WAS AS WELL GUARDED AS MY 1983 TOPPS BASEBALL CARD COMPLETE SET (minus Ricky Henderson, which I think my brother stole)?!?!?

I was eight, but I did "ate" the gum that came with the cards...and by "ate" I mean "swallowed."

8 vs ATE

Jesus.

All of this, hubbub, has been brought to my attention because of an article by The Daily Beast yesterday. Apparently John Paul II's blood has been stolen from a Church in Abruzzo. (Doesn't anyone steal money or jewels anymore? --- "Family Jewels" notwithstanding.)

Apparently relic theft is not an uncommon practice. In the case of the missing foreskin the suspect list included Dario Magnoni (the priest himself), thieves looking to sell it on the black market, Satanists, neo-Nazis and even...drum roll...the Vatican itself!

Why would the Vatican want to steal it you might ask?

According to Slate.com, the answer might be "Protestant doubt." Along with the idea that "scientific revolution...changed our thinking from superstitious to skeptical." In short, it was a fear of science proving this was fake.

But I don't know. I know the Church has been waging a war against Science for all of my life, but something doesn't seem right here. Though I don't doubt Religion vs Science was the Church's motivation.

Hmmm, what else was happening in 1983?

According to The Smithsonian Institute, Nobel Prize winner Kary Mullis perfected the PCR technique. The Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) technique allows scientists to make millions of copies of DNA.

Wait.

The prepuce.

JP2's blood.

My Ricky Henderson card.

Oh. My. GAWD! Someone is trying to clone Jesus to make a FrankenCHRIST who can steal the fuck out of bases!
(*I already have the copyright on this, so don't even try it)

I wonder what he'd look like...

I'm fucking in!

Sources cited in the BLOG above:

The Daily Beast

Slate

Smithsonian Institute

8 vs ATE - This fucking story again

Wizard World 2007

Judge Orders Man Not to Have Girlfriend
By Associated Press

Thu Jun 14, 9:12 AM
PETERBOROUGH, Ontario - A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years.

Let me tell you folks, that judge is a real f'ing prick! However, unlike the all too debated Paris Hilton case, I think this sentence will be carried out...and then some.

Well ladies and virgins...er gentlemen, Wizard World 2007 was held this weekend in the City of Brotherly Love. And well, if there's any love in store for these guys it is either going to be Brotherly, or well paid for.

Now, allow me to dispel a few beliefs that have circulated in regards to comic books, and those who read them. Not every single person who reads a comic book is, in fact cool. No, it’s true. Some of these fellows are socially awkward. Let’s face it, many are just plain nerds. I know it goes against everything we’ve learned throughout our days on this mortal coil…but alas, many a comic reader…is a fucking geek.

There is however, one thing that unifies all of “Nerdom”. They all seem to possess the uncanny ability to sew. Why is that I wonder? And why is it that they only have one pattern that they’ve mastered through the years? Red, white and blue…Betsy Ross would be proud. Hell, perhaps history never told us of the 30 plus year old son she had living in her basement long after the colonies were granted their sovereignty.

Lucky for us these cretins weren’t given a seat at the table while this country’s traditions were being laid, or we might all “Pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of Captain America.”
Don’t get me wrong there was much to be joyous about at the Convention.

Like when you pray that your camera is out of focus enough that you can deny until your dying breath that you are not in the picture. After all, who in their right mind would ever allow a character from Marvel’s Universe to be seen with a character from DC? I mean, what is this a “crossover?” What? Your "Average Joe" knows what a crossover is right? RIGHT? I fear I may have outed myself.


Well, at least let me put to bed the rumors that these Nerdly get-togethers are nothing but a sausage fest. Nothing could be further from the truth. This fine, young, lass seemed to be enjoying her womanly self just fine, although she did seem obsessed with finding a guy with a silver helmet. I told her mine was peach, and I called it Serpentor. It didn’t go over as well as you’d think.

But alas my salvation came thanks to what I assume was a loose snake in the audience. For a guy with a burlap bag over his head, who I guess was the snake's handler, ran by yelling, “La,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la, COBRA!”

There were also some very interesting developments announced for the future of comic books. As many of you know, Marvel Comics decided to kill off one of it's more popular characters in March--Captain America. Well Marvel, which typically waits until the Comic Convention in San Diego to make big annoucements, shocked everyone in Philadelphia this weekend.

Apparently Captain America will be replaced by Major Hezbollah. After the “bombshell” revelation, comic book stores throughout the Middle East were bombarded with preorders for the next issue…and then the stores were blown up.

When asked to comment President Bush said, "Comics? I like that Marmaduke."

Marmaduke’s circulation increased by 11%, the President’s approval rating dropped 12.

Even amoung the scores of people spilling out of their home made Spiderman costumes, a face or two might surprise you. I was slightly taken aback to learn that our Lord and Savior was present for the event.

He told me he came in 2nd at the Guitar Hero Tournament. He said he felt might have won the “crown,” had he been allowed more time to practice. However, much of his spare time has been interrupt lately with people praying for “Peace in the Middle East.” He then pointed to Major Hezbollah and said, “Fat Chance.”

In a nutshell, that was the day.

I won’t go into too much detail, but I was asked to leave early. You might think the masses figure out that I intended to expose them all with my indepth blog reporting? Or perhaps a few ladies at the Suicide Girls table claimed my zipper continually fell down? Maybe even my persistantly insisting that Dirk Benedict come to my house later to make Body Slam 2…but you would be wrong. The real reason I was asked to leave? My Aquaman Tee-shirt.

As I was being thrown off the premises I shouted, “I’m all about the Bitches and the Fishes.”

And then me and this dude fuckin' party like it was 1999!

And then he ate my Aquaman tee-shirt, which was a bummer because it cost me $19.99.