There's No Such Thing As Halloween Music

Let me ask you a question, Halloween Music or Christmas Music?
*Keeping in mind, there has only ever actually been one Halloween song, "The Monster Mash."

What's that? You disagree? Well then, read on...

According to the leading authority on various genres of music, "Drew's Famous Party Music," the following tracks are on the original Halloween mix:

1. Monster Mash (we spoke of this already).
It was a graveyard smash. Not much else to say...though this bit over the course of 5 years on ComedyBang Bang is worth checking out:

2. Ghostbusters.
No. No. No. No. No!!!!!!
First of all, the original Ghostbusters was released in June of 1984, so it's not even a Halloween movie! If you want to watch it at Halloween, I'll support it. In fact it's a terrific movie, so you can watch it every single day of the year! BUT, that song is not a Halloween song. It's not even an original piece!

We all know that Ray Parker Jr. was sued for ripping off Huey Lewis and the News, and therefore Huey is a de facto co-writer on the tune.

3. The Time Warp.
Come on! Just because YOU didn't watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show two, sometimes three times a day when you were a junior in High School, doesn't automatically relegate it to your label of being a Halloween movie. Therefore its most famous song can't get dragged down that road either.

It's a great song, every day!

4. Macho Man.
The Village People! Look, other then being a band of walking Halloween costumes (some racially intensity by today's standards), there's not much else about them that reeks of All Hallow's Eve.

That said, "Macho Man Randy Savage" is ALWAYS as killer Halloween costume.
*Maybe not a literal killer Halloween costume. If you're looking for that might I suggest Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

5. Bad Moon Rising.
Don't be an April Fool. Written by John Fogerty and recorded by Creedence Clearwater Revival, this song came out on the 4th month of 1969, not the 11th. Just because there's a moon doesn't make it Halloweenie.

6. Purple People Eater.
Sounds like it's about "S'ing a D," but it's merely about aliens. If pushed hard enough, I'd say OK this can be a Halloween song. But can that really be considered a win?

7. Rock Lobster.
What the fuck! How the hell did this B-52s ditty end up labeled a Halloween song? Because it opens up with "We were at a party..."? Seriously, there are other parties than Halloween parties.

This song is an amazing song. Sorry Halloween, you don't get to randomly stake claims to it.

8. Hot Hot Hot.
Another party. Another NON-Halloween song.

9. Soul Man.
What in the fucking hell?!?
Did some one confuse Samhain with Sam & Dave?
The answer is NOT HALLOWEEN!

10. Let's Go Dancin'
Do you know what this is? No? Me either.
Kool & The Gang isn't writing Halloween songs.

11. Disco Inferno
Because of "inferno?" You could make the argument that this is more of a 4th of July song. Not Halloween.

12. Twilight Zone.
Wait! The theme song to a show? You can't just co-opt a song and label it a Halloween song.

Oh, it's NOT the theme song? It's a random dance song that has nothing to do with anything? OK...that too.

13. Don't Leave Me This Way
More disco...was Halloween invented in the 70s? I mean, I was invented in the 70s, so maybe it was too...I have no frame of reference before then.

This weird Thelma Houston song isn't a Halloween song... I mean,  not even the way the songs that came before this aren't, this is just a freebie that Drew is tossing at you. Like his sister's demo or something. Don't be fooled. NOT HALLOWEEN!

14. Super Freak.
Super NO!

15. Stayin' Alive.
The title has NOTHING to do with what you think it does if you're calling this a Halloween song.

16. Spooky.
Jesus.

Look. I'd consider having a debate about Halloween vs Christmas, but when it comes to the music part...there's no contest.

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

I hope it comes with a BIG pooper scooper!

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #6

Is that why they call it a "fireplace poker?"

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #5

I'll probably still drink it...

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #4

Not sure this one is historically accurate...

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #2

Here's another Music Choice slide for the Sounds of the Seasons channel. Kind of inappropriate if you ask me. ‪

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #1

It's December...allow me to get my Christmas on!

Humpty Dumpty, Frosty the Snowman & Jesus

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Nowhere does it say, Humpty was an egg. In fact it makes almost NO sense that he IS an egg.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Humpty Dumpty was originally published in 1797 in Samuel Arnold's Juvenile Amusements. The line originally read:

Fourscore men and fourscore more,
Could not make Humpty Dumpty where he was before.

Thus eliminating the fragile smashability of his egg-like being.

Perhaps you've heard this before, or perhaps this is the first time you have heard it. Either way, it's not really earth shattering...but this just might be:

Frosty The Snowman is NOT a Christmas Song!

Recently, I have been hearing a lot of people voicing their disapproval at this years particularly early "Christmas push." Decorations have been on sale since the end of September and commercials have been running since just before Halloween. Personally, this doesn't bother me but I have heard the ire of the people.

So I started paying closer attention.

I have noticed some wreaths, and even full on Christmas lights & reindeer at a local public facility. Then yesterday, as I drove into the corporate park I work at, I notice a big snowman. This was particularly funny, because one of the guys I work with voices his dismay towards the pre-Thanksgiving holiday push, LOUDLY.

I know he drives right by that snowman, so I pictured him being pissed first thing in the morning. But then it hit me...a snowman represents winter, not Christmas, which means, Frosty is NOT a Christmas song.

To confirm this, I listened to a version of Jimmy Durante singing the "carol" on my iPod (with ear buds to keep anyone within earshot from accusing me of a premature holiday ejaculation of sorts).

There are the lyrics:

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around
Oh, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Over the hills of snow

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day
So he said
Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away
Down to the village
With a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all
Around the square saying
Catch me if you can
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye saying
Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Over the hills of snow

No mention of Christmas, whatsoever. The cartoon (narrated by Durrante), is where the idea of Christmas and Frosty being formed from "Christmas snow", originates. But rather, the song is a simple tale of a snowman who comes to life on any given day in the winter. Or, possibly the summer for that matter (if we're talking Northern Alaska or the Arctic region). No date is specified in the song.

I decided (because I can't help myself) to type the following into Google:

"Frosty the Snowman, an allegory for Christ."

Well, as is often the case with a Google search, I wasn't disappointed. I stumbled on a "Frosty the Snowman" forum (I shit you, not!). 

Frosty the Symbol (good one) posts the following:

Frosty is Jesus

Frosty comes into the world

Frosty does what he does

Frosty dies (melts away)

Frosty will "come back some day" (the foundation of Christianity - the faith/belief that Jesus will return)

"Frosty the Snowman" is a religious allegory

He then goes on to define "allegory," which might be the only insightful information he included in his post.

Robert Langdon (or someone who reads Dan Brown) broke the song down into the following algorithmic anagram:

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Look at Frosty go.

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Over the hills of snow.

3:33

3:33

run

3:33

3:33

altitude cold weather training.

He further speculates that Frosty can run a 3:33 mile. Apparently Guinness hasn't updated their facts yet, since they currently have the fastest mile held by Hicham El Guerrouj at 3:43.13.

Silas (another user name) asks the question that immediately came to my mind, "what does the old silk hat they found" signify?

Americans Are Ignorant replied: I would like to point out that most Americans are too stupid to figure this out on their own. 

This was not very informative.

SMJO suggests "the old silk hat is the Shroud of Turin." 

Though it should be mentioned he cites neither his findings nor his credentials to make such an assertion. If he was merely looking to make a guess, he would have been better off trying "a thorn of crowns" for at least they are both head wear.

Al Gore Mind Control then pairs off either for or against Al Gore Super Mind Control (I couldn't tell what either person was attempting to argue).

But, without a doubt, my favorite was this gem from Sam W:

The silk hat represents the baptism by John the Baptist and the traffic cop is Pontius Pilate.

I know kid, I am weeping too.
Sam W even puts a link to a geocities website that is no longer being supported. I would have given my left snowball to have read the source material on this one.

In the end we'll just keep believing that Frosty The Snowman is a Christmas song and that Humpty Dumpty is an egg...wait...Christmas Eggs! 

THE ORIGIN OF EGG NOG!

Now we're on to something...

Santa Baby

I don't hate any Christmas song…not really. I mean there are some I am not the biggest fan of (The Waitress's "Christmas Wrapping") and a few I'd rather jam a pencil in my ear then hear ever again (Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time") so I guess I do hate some…

But "Santa Baby" is a song I used to LOVE until I listened to the lyrics and realized it's simply about a woman using her "feminine wiles" to get gifts from an over weight fat dude. It kind of turned my stomach.

"Santa Baby"

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me

I'm not exactly sure what a "sable" is. I always thought it was a car produced by Ford, but now believe it to be the fur of an animal. That right there makes me hate this bitch. FUR? Seriously? Who are you Zsa Zsa Gabor? But there's the slim possibility this is reference to WWE's original DIVA "Sable." If you're looking to make out with a hot 6 foot blonde, then I like this song again.

*Side note, I hear "Sable" shaves…thus = NO FUR!

I've been an awful good girl

Not if you're hacking the skin off dead animals to keep you warm lady!

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Weird reference. The sexuality is implied, but what "chimney" does a woman have? I assume this a reference to her "lady parts."

*Another side note, that "fireplace" would likely indicate she's a "redhead."

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue

Damn! Dictating color and everything. Also, what's "out-of-space?" You're clear in some areas and so damn cryptic in others. Why doesn't he just give you a gift card?

I'll wait up for you dear

She's a bit possessive. Look lady, you want these goods? You're going to have to realize that this jolly old elf is out pleasing many others too.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed

"Fellas?" So I'm thinking WWE's Sable is off the table. Also, a bit whorish. "Santa, I haven't been sucking any strange dick at the company Christmas party because I'm looking to cash in." Not the best way to upgrade that convertible to 12 cylinders.

Next year I could be oh so good

If you'd check off my Christmas list

Boo doo bee doo

Holy Shit! Is this quid pro quo? I'm almost sensing blackmail. You're talking about next year already? "Oh, Santa, if you don't get me good shit next year too…I'll be standing in line at Planned Parenthood by February."

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's

Not a lot

Fuck it. Santa's not banging her. She's got pictures or something. This is more than any one man should be giving in just for some "action."

I've been an angel all year

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

I hope Santa is wrapping his fella up good & tight. Because pulling out sounds dangerous with this one. She's trying to trap you in a maternity suit, Kringle!

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed

SHE WANTS A HOUSE?

To a platinum mine

WHAT THE FUCK?!? I don't know if she wants to mine precious stones or kill Chilean miners. She seems like a bit of a Nazi come to think of it!

Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks

Wait, she's filling it? I'm really confused.

Sign your 'X' on the line

Oh Christ, I get it. She's writing his checks now and telling him to just sign it. Really, these must be photos of him molesting an elf or something.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree

Fuck! You couldn't even do that? The guy is probably going to acquiesce to ALL of your demands and you couldn't even throw some popcorn strands on the tree?

With some decorations bought at Tiffany's

Of course.

I really do believe in you

Let's see if you believe in me

Boo doo bee doo

Santa…a blow job ain't worth the hassle brother. Just hit the titty bar!

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring

Is this really the origin of Mrs. Claus? No wonder he only gets to cum once a year. What a poor miserable bastard.

I don't mean a phone

Bet he pays the phone bill.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight

My advice, have a blood test done Santa...cause from the looks of things, neither of you are Asian!

Egg Nog

I have no problem putting this up as there are few people who read this...not that it's embarrassing but I am likely using it as a monologue for a new sketch show I am working on...

"Egg Nog"

Recently I had egg nog for the first time in my life.
I'm not exactly sure how I made it to 35 without ever having tried the stuff.
Growing up, however my family never drank it.
So I suppose I saw no reason to search it out.

Egg nog is a dairy based beverage, thicker than your standard milk product.
Made with milk or cream, sugar and beaten eggs. It is flavored with ground cinnamon & nutmeg.
Various liquors such as brandy, rum or whiskey can be added to give it a more "adult kick."
It's a staple for many during the winter holidays, especially Christmas

Perhaps it is this reason my parents have always referred to it, as "Elf Cum."
Also probably the reason it never found purchase in my family's icebox.
"You expect me to keep elf cum next to the meatloaf?" Dad would ask.
It was a rhetorical question that could only be met with the aversion of one's eyes and a slight giggle.

As I got older I wondered, did my parents really believe a magical, midget's masturbator expulsions were the ingredients to this traditional holiday drink?
Clearly the masses, who find same sex marriages to be against "God's plan," wouldn't stand for actual "elf cum" to be sold by the gallon at their local Walmart's comfortably nuzzled between fabric softener and Trisha Yeargood's new album.
Would they?
I assume my parents were strictly using hyperbole to describe their lack of affinity towards this winter concoction.
While adding the "elf" part to give a more festive feel to the description.

Otherwise, why reference an elf at all? Why not just simply, "cum?"
Are they under the belief that an elf's cum would taste differently than that of a regular person's?
I'm sure dietary differences could influence the flavor of the fluid.
Such as the difference between someone of Irish decent's cum tasting like Bailey's versus say…an Italian's tasting of Alfredo sauce.
But I believe, having never had elf, human or any other brand of cum mind you, that there isn't much difference between them.

Unless you take into account the magical qualities possessed by an Elf.
Still, if one had magical powers, I think the last thing they'd care about is the taste of their cum.
Seriously, if you're trucking around with flying reindeer and have the ear of the king shit elf himself, Santa Claus…
…I'm thinking you can get your dick sucked, even if its widely known that your cum tastes like battery acid.

So this holiday enjoy a delicious glass of yuletide egg nog safe with the thought that it is neither elf nor anyone else's cum.
But, you might want to add rum to it just in case. Cause after all, once you've had 5-6, who gives a shit what's in it!

Merry Christmas!

Little Drummer Boy

Who amongst us didn't think, at least at one point in their life, that "the Little Drummer Boy," and "Little Drummond Boy," might in fact be the same person? Be honest...

The fact is it's kind of tough to figure out who the REAL "Little Drummond Boy" would be. Sure Willis was the OLDEST, but that doesn't mean Philip Drummond didn't heap upon him ALL of his love. In fact, sometimes the OLDEST is the most loved. After all they are closest to you in age.

Let us remember all of the Drummond's as we go through the lyrics of "The Little Drummer Boy," and of course, some holiday history:

Little Drummer Boy was written in 1958. Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati & Harry Simeon all had a hand in its creation. The song would go on to be a hit for the odd duo of (Christmas perennial and kid beating) Bing Crosby & (cross dressing and Mick Jagger beating offing) David Bowie. It was Crosby's hottest selling song since "White Christmas."

"The Little Drummer Boy"

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum.
They actually told you "come?" Like...in what way?

A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum.
There seem to be a lot of problems with that last sentence...could you maybe move the verb around? What is this, "Yoda Speak?"

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Really? Cause you didn't actually bring anything. Yeah, you played a song and all...but you left nothing CONCRETE. Like, the kid had nothing to unwrap...that's kind of like not bringing anything at all. You didn't even leave a drum stick. Tommy Lee at least has the decency to throw a stick into the crowd...and he made a porn.
Just saying, be more like Tommy Lee (WWTLD?)

To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Again, didn't "lay" anything before the King. Tommy Lee on the other hand, did lay Pamela Anderson. Not necessarily "before" the King, but nonetheless...

So to honor him, pa rum pum pum pum, when we come.
Kind of obsessed with this whole coming thing, huh? And what's with the rum pum pum pums? Couldn't think of anything else? Sounds like a place holder that you decided to leave in. Lazy buddy! Really fucking lazy. Let's see how things are progressing for the "Little Drummond Boy..." Oh Sam. The cousin Oliver of Different Strokes. What was with your mother's accent by the way? Why didn't you have one?

Sam did end up on "Salute Your Shorts." He went from being "honkey lips," to being "Donkey Lips." Look it up...that's close to accurate, and on the internet, that's PRETTY DAMN GOOD!

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum.
I don't think I would call The Lord, a little baby. I understand what you're saying...just seems like a taunt.

I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum.
You just called Jesus a baby and poor. What's up bub? He can shoot ray beams out of his eyes. I wouldn't be talkin' shit.

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Because you spent all of your money. On whores. Philip Drummond would be rolling over in his grave if he wasn't cryogenically frozen (they store them so they can't roll over - limits the cracking).

That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
The King? Or A King? Cause Jesus was great and all, but there's only one true King...

King Dudley:
You knew I had to fit in a Dudley getting molested joke right? Cause it isn't Christmas if some's "kick stand" isn't being straightened out in the back of a bike shop. Look it up...

Shall I play of you, pa rum pum pum pum? On my drum?
No, why don't you play on the baby's soft spot? Dumb fucking drumming kid. You know they will eventually invent a drumming machine because you're such a dick right?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum.
She was being nice.

The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what the drummer is supposed to do?

I played my drum for Him pa rum pum pum pum.
We get it!

I played my best for Him pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum.
You're what 6? How good could that really have been?

Then He smiled at me pa rum pum pum pum. Me and my drum.
He's a baby...it was gas.

***************************************

So there you have it. The Little Drummer Boy, and of course the little Drummond boy.

What's you talkin' about Jesus?