The Perils of The Ghostbusters Lyrics

If there's something strange in your neighborhood
Who you gonna call? 

I mean that depends on the specifics, right?
Are we talking about a downed power line? Because then I'd call PECO, or some electrical company representative to let them know.

Or if it's a mysterious package, I'll call the police and report it. Sure, we're like 18 years removed from 9/11, but still, "see something, say something" continues to be a good practice.

Now, if we're talking about a creepy looking guy in trench coat, I'll probably assess the whether. Is rain expected? Is it too warm for such wardrobe? Is it simply Mrs. Bradley off of her meds again? There's much to be considered.

Though, if it's Mr. Bradley in the trench coat, I'll likely call the Ghostbusters, because he died three Summers ago.

If there's something weird
And it don't look good
Who you gonna call?

Again, very vague. 

I mean right now, those spotted lantern flies are pretty goddamn weird.

And after stepping on them, we know who to call and report the sighting to: the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture. Or, the hotline set up by Penn State University,1-888-4BAD-FLY.


I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

See, if you said that once, I'd have believed you. But repeating it makes me question your sincerity.

If you're seeing things running through your head
Who you gonna call?

A psychologist!

Unless you mean, literally running through my head, then a dermatologist! Because lice, like the Wu Tang Clan, ain't nothin' to fuck with.

An invisible man
Sleeping in your bed
Who you gonna call?

An intruder is sleeping in my bed! I'll call the police!

...wait, how can I see they're sleeping in my bed if they're invisible in the first place?

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

Yeah. I...I know.

Who you gonna call?

Look, I'm starting to think you're just lonely.

If you're all alone
Pick up the phone
And call...

Do you just need someone to talk to? I have a good psychologist I can recommend.

I ain't afraid of no ghost

I know! No one is saying you are!

I hear it likes the girls

What?!? That's fucked up! Seriously, I don't think I EVER realized that was the lyric.

I ain't afraid of no ghost

Don't go changing the subject now.
This apparition sounds like a goddamn creep, and not in the typical creepy "ghost" way, but rather in like a "Ghost Dad" starring Bill Cosby way!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

So you agree! It's a Cosby type ghost?!?

Okay, let's think about this a moment. We need to report this ghost's behavior.

Who ya gonna call?

I don't know! That's what I'm trying to figure out. The police? Hannibal Buress?

If you've had a dose of a freaky ghost baby
You better call...

A dose? Ghost baby?
You mean you think he's impregnated some of these aforementioned girls? HOLY SHIT! This goes fucking deep! 

Lemme tell ya something...

Go on...

Bustin' makes me feel good!

"Bustin'?" You mean bustin' a nut?
...WHAT THE FUCK?!? 
Have you been the ghost this whole time?!?

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

Our mere mortal laws can't even touch you, can they?
What do you want from me?

Don't get caught alone no no

I'm not joining forces with you, you piece of shit!
You're on your own!

When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more

Are you threatening me now, you piece of garbage?

I think you better call 

Oh, I'm going to call! I'LL CALL EVERYONE I KNOW, BUDDY!

Who ya gonna call? 

I just told you, EVERYBODY!

Who ya gonna call? 

I'm not giving you specifics! I don't need to disclose my game plan to you, ya dirty rape ghost! This isn't a court! You have no constitutional right to know what evidence I'll use against you here!

I think you better call 

Look, I'm dialing right now!

Who ya gonna call?

Are you fucking deaf?

I can't hear you...

...holy shit, you are deaf!
I'm so sorry.
You haven't heard me this whole time, have you?

Wait a second...Mr. Bradley?
Is that you?

Who ya gonna call?

Oh my God. Mr. Bradley, I'm going to call your son Thomas. I...I think he might know what to do...

Louder

I SAID I'M GOING TO CALL YOUR SON THOMAS. HE STARTED STUDYING THE OCCULT AFTER YOU PASSED AWAY. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO CONTACT YOU FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS!

Who ya gonna call?

THOMAS!

Who can ya call?

HE STUDIES PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, LIKE GHOSTS!

Who ya gonna call?

Oh, Christ. I get it...

"Ghostbusters."

Well played Mr. Bradley. Well played.

There's No Such Thing As Halloween Music

Let me ask you a question, Halloween Music or Christmas Music?
*Keeping in mind, there has only ever actually been one Halloween song, "The Monster Mash."

What's that? You disagree? Well then, read on...

According to the leading authority on various genres of music, "Drew's Famous Party Music," the following tracks are on the original Halloween mix:

1. Monster Mash (we spoke of this already).
It was a graveyard smash. Not much else to say...though this bit over the course of 5 years on ComedyBang Bang is worth checking out:

2. Ghostbusters.
No. No. No. No. No!!!!!!
First of all, the original Ghostbusters was released in June of 1984, so it's not even a Halloween movie! If you want to watch it at Halloween, I'll support it. In fact it's a terrific movie, so you can watch it every single day of the year! BUT, that song is not a Halloween song. It's not even an original piece!

We all know that Ray Parker Jr. was sued for ripping off Huey Lewis and the News, and therefore Huey is a de facto co-writer on the tune.

3. The Time Warp.
Come on! Just because YOU didn't watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show two, sometimes three times a day when you were a junior in High School, doesn't automatically relegate it to your label of being a Halloween movie. Therefore its most famous song can't get dragged down that road either.

It's a great song, every day!

4. Macho Man.
The Village People! Look, other then being a band of walking Halloween costumes (some racially intensity by today's standards), there's not much else about them that reeks of All Hallow's Eve.

That said, "Macho Man Randy Savage" is ALWAYS as killer Halloween costume.
*Maybe not a literal killer Halloween costume. If you're looking for that might I suggest Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

5. Bad Moon Rising.
Don't be an April Fool. Written by John Fogerty and recorded by Creedence Clearwater Revival, this song came out on the 4th month of 1969, not the 11th. Just because there's a moon doesn't make it Halloweenie.

6. Purple People Eater.
Sounds like it's about "S'ing a D," but it's merely about aliens. If pushed hard enough, I'd say OK this can be a Halloween song. But can that really be considered a win?

7. Rock Lobster.
What the fuck! How the hell did this B-52s ditty end up labeled a Halloween song? Because it opens up with "We were at a party..."? Seriously, there are other parties than Halloween parties.

This song is an amazing song. Sorry Halloween, you don't get to randomly stake claims to it.

8. Hot Hot Hot.
Another party. Another NON-Halloween song.

9. Soul Man.
What in the fucking hell?!?
Did some one confuse Samhain with Sam & Dave?
The answer is NOT HALLOWEEN!

10. Let's Go Dancin'
Do you know what this is? No? Me either.
Kool & The Gang isn't writing Halloween songs.

11. Disco Inferno
Because of "inferno?" You could make the argument that this is more of a 4th of July song. Not Halloween.

12. Twilight Zone.
Wait! The theme song to a show? You can't just co-opt a song and label it a Halloween song.

Oh, it's NOT the theme song? It's a random dance song that has nothing to do with anything? OK...that too.

13. Don't Leave Me This Way
More disco...was Halloween invented in the 70s? I mean, I was invented in the 70s, so maybe it was too...I have no frame of reference before then.

This weird Thelma Houston song isn't a Halloween song... I mean,  not even the way the songs that came before this aren't, this is just a freebie that Drew is tossing at you. Like his sister's demo or something. Don't be fooled. NOT HALLOWEEN!

14. Super Freak.
Super NO!

15. Stayin' Alive.
The title has NOTHING to do with what you think it does if you're calling this a Halloween song.

16. Spooky.
Jesus.

Look. I'd consider having a debate about Halloween vs Christmas, but when it comes to the music part...there's no contest.

Halloween Costumes for 2016

Having problems coming up with a costume idea for 2016? REALLY?!? A shit ton of things happened this year!

If you're like me, you can't just throw any old thing on for Halloween. You want to be topical. You want to be clever. You want to be original.

But, as I have pointed out in previous years - topical, clever, and original need NOT go hand in hand with obscene:

2010

and

2014

So right off the bat let's eliminate some things from 2016 that the T.C.O. goals we have for a Halloween Party.

#1 - Anything involving Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or even Bernie Sanders

The Politician to Harley Quinn ratio at parties this Halloween will be off the chart. So let's agree to skip them altogether - the politicians. I am TOTALLY fine with everyone dressing up like Harley Quinn!

"But I've already printed out 33,000 emails for my Hillary costume!"
Of course you have. That's not clever. And you've killed an entire forest, you asshole.

"Oh! What if I do the Hillary mask AND a prison jumpsuit? Original right?"
Sure...you'll be the life of Mike Huckabee's Halloween party.

Come on! Don't try to recycle last year's Orange is the New Black costume, just because you still haven't put it away yet.

"Devil horns?"
Fuck off!

Prediction: a Janet Jackson/Hillary Clinton "Nasty" mashup. You'll see it. In fact you'll probably see two. So much for original.

"Surely it's OK if I dress up like Donald J. Trump, right?"

No.

"How about "sexy" Trump?"
What is wrong with YOU?!?

Look! Even Trump doesn't want to look like Trump this Halloween. He'll be wearing a costume just like everyone else. Based on this photo from his private dressing room, it appears he'll be going as a ghost:

And before you go ordering your "sexy" Kenneth Bone costume from Zandy.com for $99.99, remember last minute crazes like this are almost ALWAYS a bust.

Everyone who waited until the last minute will jump on whatever is hot a week before Halloween. This explains why you have that Charlie Sheen mask sitting next to your Orange is the New Black costume you still haven't put away.

Seriously! Spring Cleaning! Look into it!

#2 - Anything Political

Sure Trump & Hillary cover just about everything political right now, but keep in mind many other political figures have made the headlines this year.

Whether you decide to dress as Ben Carson and wait in the hallway to the party all night, or as Gary Johnson and not get invited at all, it's probably best to keep your political costumes on the side line this year.

Even mashup costumes, like Lost "Cosplaying" Antonin Scalia are probably a no go until things settle a bit politically.

That said, if you've got your heard set on that Marco Rubio Rubix Cube idea, who am I to judge?

#3 - This is a good time to bring up DEAD CELEBRITIES!

Look, I know as soon as you heard David Bowie died, you freak out and thought, "WHAT A GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUME!" Only to amend that idea as soon as you heard Prince died.
(Apologies if you are just hearing this news now...)

2016 was a rough year for celebrity deaths. Which is why you're likely to see Snape, Hans Gruber, and the Sheriff of Knottingham all fighting over the crudités at this year's party. By Grabthar's hammer! Alexander Danes gets first dibs!

(I'll give you a second to Google that...all done? Great.)

"But I'm the world's biggest Gene Wilder fan! I need to honor his career!"
Really? Look, you know Willy Wonka and Young Frankenstein. You also know he was in some comedies with Richard Pryor, but you can't tell the difference between Stir Crazy and Silver Streak, so let's not get crazy with "world's biggest fan."
But, I'm not unreasonable. If you must dress up as a Gene Wilder character, you can be Eugene Grizzard.

"Who's Eugene Grizzard?"
Exactly! You're NOT the world's biggest Gene Wilder fan!

#4 - Zombie Harambe

Yes, we all know what happened to Harambe, and it was terrible. Adding "zombie" in front of his name won't bring him back even if it does have a kind of nice sound to it.

And yes, Harambe technically falls into the dead celebrity category. He's been Googled more times this year than Nicolas Cage, and Nicolas Cage is still alive...presumably (I didn't check).

Editor's Note: Zombie Harambe is a bad idea for a Halloween costume, but a catchy title to a novelty song. Perhaps to the music of the Cranberries?

#5 - El Chapo

El No-No!

#6 - Brex-It

I'm not up on as much of the news as I should be, so I'm not exactly sure what this is. I assume it's a breakfast eating Pennywise the clown from Stephen King's, "It":

While clowns are HOT this year, they are also likely to get you shot while driving to the party.

#7 - Olympic Gold Medalist Ryan Lochte

Let's not forget, before he bleached his hair and then saw it turn green, or got drunk and beat the crap out of a poor, defenseless bathroom (who's wall he urinated on), this was that same gold medalist:

Awwww...he thinks it's food.

You can do better. We can ALL do better. Much, MUCH better.

#8 - A POKEMON Jim?

I don't know what that is...maybe this guy?

************************************************

Look, based on everything going on around the world right now it's probably best if none of us tries to reach too high and be clever or original.

Maybe we should all just agree to wear the same costume so as to not cause any fights or ruffle any feathers.

If so, I vote for this one:

#100DaysOfSelfies #37 Costumes?

#100DaysOfSelfies #37 Costumes? 
Remember when there was at least a little creativity behind "sexy Halloween costumes"?

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great) - REPOST

REPOST FROM LAST YEAR - I STILL FEEL THE SAME:

A few days ago, I was asked by a friend to write an article about "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for Mania.com. I wrote the following piece and it was deemed a bit "too rough" for the site. I then pursued Cracked.com, but since Halloween is a mere 12 hours away I have concluded there was almost NO chance this would see the light of day this year...unless I post it myself.



It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)
By Kevin Regan 

Close your eyes.
Think back to when you were a kid at Halloween.
Imagine watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown."
Now, keep your eyes closed.
Think back to when you were a kid in High School.
Imagine your first handjob?

QUESTION: Which was the better experience?
ANSWER: It's a trick question. They were both underwhelming.

"It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," was the third holiday special for Peanuts, the American comic strip written and illustrated by Charles M. Schultz. It first aired on CBS on October 27, 1966. It featured all of your favorite, and not so favorite, Peanuts characters (screw you Violet!).

Fucking bitch! That's hardcore bullying right there!

Schroeder, Pig Pen and some unnamed character, in a uniform lack of creativity, all decided to dress up as ghosts. Lucy, and shit bag Violet, also wore ghostly sheets and added plastic witch masks over top. The only one with any sense of originality is the show's constant "anti-hero," Charlie Brown. He is obviously dressed up as the various gloryholes found on the New Jersey turnpike. For all his efforts, the bald little fucker merely ends up with a sack full of rocks. Something that has bothered me deep into my adult life.

Linus opts to forgo the traditional activities of the holiday such as "tricks or treats" and going to prima donna Violet's exclusive party.  Instead he spends the night in a pumpkin patch, with a pretty girl, waiting for a mythical creature to arrive. Though he'll be thrice disappointed (first Sally abandons him, second The Great Pumpkin never arrives and third he'll no doubt be sick from spending the night outside until 4 in the morning) he never gives up hope, even telling his "follicly challenged" friend Charlie, that he's already planning for which "sincere" pumpkin patch to camp out in next year.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Kevin," (that's my name...says so on the byline)

"What does this have to do with a handjob?" 

Well (I don't know your name), let me explain.

When I asked you to think back to your first handjob, you did. You probably thought of who gave it to you. Where you were. You might even have remembered what song was playing. For me it was the Wayne's World soundtrack. And unless something peculiar happened, like your Mom walking in at the exact wrong moment (which could be ANY moment actually), you probably remembered it as being pretty damn exciting. I mean someone reached into your pants and started doing the thing that you yourself have been doing for years! It was awesome!!!

But was it? Was it really?

Sure the nostalgia was awesome. You were young. You had a full head of hair. Your whole future was ahead of you. Not to mention, Ballroom Blitz was blasting! But was the handjob really that good? Surely the technique wasn't up to the exact standards that you had set for yourself over the past few years while sitting alone in your bedroom hoping to God no one tested the lock on the door.

Remember how uncomfortable you felt the next day. "Was she trying to tear the damn thing off?" What I'm saying is, it hurt! You're just barely a teenager. You haven't learned about things like lubrication or the various dangers of friction - though this life lesson will surely be your jumping off point and Newton's Third Law seems FAR more important than the first two.

The fact is, we remember things a little more colorful than their reality.

"Fuck you, Regan!" (that's my last name) 

"I still love the Great Pumpkin. And I married the girl who gave me my first handjob!" 

GREAT! Cool. That's awesome man, seriously. I'm not saying you should hate the Great Pumpkin OR handjobs. I'm merely saying, let's admit the truth about these things. 

The Great Pumpkin, was good...but it wasn't great. 

The whole Snoopy vs The Red Baron thing was bizarre and went on TOO long. Sure it's 5 minutes (which is probably 4 minutes longer than you lasted for your first handjob - NAILED IT!) but that's a big deal on a piece with a mere 25 minute run time. Twenty percent of the Holiday Special feels like "filler." So much so, that even ABC decided to cut it when they took over airing the special in 2001. Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of Snoopy as a flying ace almost as much as I love the concept of a girl giving me a handy. It's just that the execution is off.

Also, I have ALWAYS had a hard time of getting past Lucy van Pelt and her behavior. Not just pulling the football away from Charlie Brown (a scene that ABC also saw need to cut for important commercial selling time). "Funny thing about this contract, it was never notarized." That maybe so, but breaking a written contract that isn't notarized still makes you a lying twat. But I think her more egregious behavior takes place while her innocent little brother is in the pumpkin patch full heartedly following his faith. She's out getting him candy. 

"Kevin Regan!" (Yep, full name! You're getting it!) 

"I think it's sweet, she gets candy for her brother." 

Really? This is how I know you aren't paying attention to the episode. Because right before she asks for "an extra piece of candy" for her brother, she is given like 9 fucking pieces! WHAT THE FUCK! Share that shit! She's going to get fat. Develop diabetes. And guess who is going to be the only person left to take care for her in her old age? You guessed it, Charlie Fucking Brown. They'll get together and have a loveless marriage that see's Lucy yanking on old Chuck's prick like she's pulling a football away, lubricant be damned!

OK. I might have gotten off point a bit here.

"Regan, you just don't like Peanuts or handjobs." 

I assure you, you couldn't be more wrong on both accounts. I just think the reality of our enjoyment has been overblown through time and a revisionist memory. Seriously, if you want to watch a perfect Peanuts story, watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown." That shit is more like your first blowjob! 

And a blowjob is ALWAYS awesome, even when "too much teeth" are used.

#100DaysOfSelfies #36 Halloween Candy

#100DaysOfSelfies #36 Halloween Candy
Or Kristin Finger is coming to dinner

#100DaysOfSelfies #34 NO GELATIN!

#100DaysOfSelfies #34 NO GELATIN!

I found candy corns with NO GELATIN! That means they are basically heath food.

#100DaysOfSelfies #33 Sex Clothes (AKA Hallowen Costumes)

#100DaysOfSelfies #33 Sex Clothes (AKA Halloween Costumes)
I know better than to buy these anymore...

I look so serious. I know sexy clothing is NO laughing matter.

Topical Halloween Costumes for 2014

Tasteful Topical Halloween Costumes for 2014.

In 2010 (a mere 4 years ago), I wrote a blog about sexy & inappropriate Halloween costumes. You can read all about it right HERE. Some are quite salacious...not unlike this one::

Salacious Crumb (you decide if this is the "sexy" version)

This year, I am attempting to stay AHEAD of the curve by predicting the top 10 topical Halloween costumes based on the events in 2014 (Feel free to add your own degree of "sexiness" to them).

1. Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

Well, well, well...is that the Malaysian Airlines missing Flight 370? Looks like we found it, in Cleveland, OH of all places (or at least that's where this photo is from). 

Transportation sticks together apparently, I believe it was checking out The Cars in the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. 

Okay. Before everyone gets all indignant, I am totally joking...I know The Cars are not in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (but sign this petition and they could be!!!).

*For added sexiness, feel free to incorporate the now defunct Hooters Airline wardrobe. I assume they play songs like this:

2. Russian Olympic worker or (with same outfit) Hollywood from Mannequin.

The photo kind of says it all, doesn't it?

RIP - Meshach Taylor 

b: April 11, 1947

d: June 28, 2014

*No added sexiness required.

3. Ukraine Costume.

I don't know that you could make this thing any sexier than this lady is pulling off right here. 

She may be a bit old, but her flower ain't wilted yet!

Also, the first three news stories can all kind of tie together as a group costume:

1. Malaysian Airlines (A second disaster is around the corner)

2. Russia (sans Hollywood)

3. The Ukraine

*No added sexiness possible!

4. The Pope 

(in honor of the canonization of Popes John XXIII & John Paul II)

I wanted to include a pet costume, and this one seems divine!

People will be screaming HOLY SHIH TZU when you walk in the room. Which is kind of bullshit, seeing as this is clearly a Scottish Terrier.

*For added sexiness...IT'S A DOG! SICK DUDE!

5. BOKO HARAM

Remember Boko Haram and the SLACKtavist craze "Bring Back Our Girls"?

No. Of course not. Because the "Ice Bucket" challenge took over as the Internet Meme of the year, and Boko Haram looks like a the Partridge Family to ISIS's Brady Bunch. 

RIP - Ann B. Davis

b: May 5, 1926

d: June 1, 2014

The cheese curls bit is just something I added, because you always run out of snacks at Halloween parties.

*For added sexiness, remove sign and BYO Cheese Curls.

6. Germany Wins World Cup

I believe there's still a handful of these jerseys on a rack somewhere. #88...aren't you just so fucking clever, internet.

*For added sexiness, paint on your soccer jersey (NSFW). Then partner up with the person wearing costume #10 for removal.

Of course, someone ALWAYS has to be "that guy" at a Halloween party. 

You know the same asshole who wrote how sad it was the day Robin Williams died, also ran off and ordered a pair of rainbow suspenders and a length of rope from Amazon. Don't be that guy (or girl). But if you can't help yourself...

Here are some topical costumes for those douches...

7. Joan Rivers

Here's a rubber Joan Rivers mask. 

If you ask me, it looks nothing like her...what's that? Oh, it is Joan Rivers? 

Hmmm...has my Amazon order shown up yet?

*For added sexiness, go as Joan's character Dot Matrix from Spaceballs, but deactivate the "virgin alarm."

8. An Elevator Costume

You know there is already a couple out there, who have bought a Ray Rice jersey and some dark makeup for black eyes. They probably think her wearing the jersey and him wearing the black eyes makes the costume "OKAY." 

Yet they will both find themselves in their respective HR offices on Monday November 3rd after posting photos to their pubic Facebook accounts.

Like these dicks...

If you need a costume connected to that story so badly, simply go as the elevator. Just realize that when you walk up to a girl you don't know at a party and ask "Going down?" 

She has every right to kick you in the nuts.

*For added sexiness, go as a set of stairs, AND DON'T HIT WOMEN DICKHEAD!

9. Scottish Costume

Been going to your English friend's Halloween party for the past 307 years? Is it getting old and you're thinking of branching off and having your own party with these fine ladies:

Think again!

Turns out you're stuck without any real decision making again this year. So put on your kilt and take off your underwear...if you don't mind, bring some cheese curls too, would you sugartits?

10. Ice Bucket (Challenge) Costume

This was ALL the rage on the internet this summer, so why not recapture the philanthropic event in costume form?

No one could possibly be upset with this little number...

Except this guy...

And this guy...

And this one...

This...

Or this...

Jesus, it keeps going...

You know what? Fuck it! 

If you're into watersports, but want to keep it non controversial, just take a page out of Daniel-son's book...

It's not exactly topical, though IMDb does have screenwriters listed for a sequel to the disastrous Karate Kid remake.

Your best bet to be topical is to not wear ANYTHING at all, take pictures with your cell phone and then leak those nude photos on the internet. The nice thing about this, is it'll still be topical when I repost this blog in 4 years.