Mustaches & Mustard Gas!

It's Friday!  Time to play everyone's favorite GAME SHOW, "Mustaches & Mustard Gas!"

Can you tell the difference between the 80s icon and the merciless despot?  

Remember, points are worth double in this round...also your family can be drug out into the streets and shot!



Let's begin:
(scroll down for answers)

1. 

Look at that winning smile and those clean teeth.  

This MUST be a movie star right?

Maybe not a MOVIE star, but he has been getting quite a bit of TV time lately.  It's Bashar al-Assad, the Despot of Damascus.  This Syrian 'Stash Sporter is quite the gas at parties!

2. 

Hmmm...that deep dimple looks ominous.  

And is that a military flight hat (AKA a garrison cap) I see in the background?

Why that's Chappy Sinclair!  Louis Gosset Jr's character from Iron Eagle.  Don't let that militant demeanor fool you, Chappy takes Doug Masters under his wing (hey-o!) to fight a country holding his father hostage.

SIDE NOTE:  While researching this, I learned that the soldiers who wear garrison caps have another name for them..."cunt caps."

True story.  Look it up.

3. 

Look at those cheek bones.  This guy must be a ruthless leader of men and ardent "bedder" of women...

Did you guess despot?  

Then "Another One Bites The Dust."  That's Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury.  I'm fairly certain he never wore a "cunt cap."  

True story.  Look it up!

4. 

I'm sure this guy is all about guns!

And by "guns" I mean a Magnum!  

P.I. that is.  

Detroit Tigers hat, Hawaiian shirt and a Ferrari, though in this photo, Tom Selleck only needs his iconic 80s 'stash to be properly I.D.'d.

5.

Is that a "duck face?"

Well, it sure is!  As in, "You better fucking duck or Saddam is going to shoot your ass!"

You can call what he's wearing a beret, but that right there ladies and gentlemen, is a goddamn CUNT CAP!

How are you doing so far?  

5 for 5?

GREAT!  Let's keep going:

6. 

I'm getting a Hannibal Smith from The A-Team feel on this one. 

"I love it when a plan comes together..."

And that "plan" of course, is to play an international game of "chicken" with John F. Kennedy in 1962.  

Oh, Fidel Castro, you minx!

7. 

Come on!  Everyone knows this dictator...

It's "The Great Dictator!"  

I know what you're thinking, "Kevin, Charlie Chaplin isn't an 80s icon!"

Sure he is!  He was born April 16, 1889.  

The old Tramp trick.

SIDE NOTE:  This is a NO HITLER Game Show

8. 

Sex appeal...

Nice!  Who is that rugged movie star?  

Joseph Stalin you say?

The Russian dictator who is responsible for the deaths of between 4 million and nearly 10 million, not including those who died in 

famines?

Oh.

Great.

Umm...

...nice scarf, I guess.

This game just gotten a bit awkward, didn't it?

9.

So what did this asshole do?

...How about a little something called "Smokey & The Mother Fuckin' Bandit!"

and the Cannonball Run movies.

Burt!

Legend.

Last question...

10.

This is a MOTHER FUCKING terrorist...

...to every hitter in Major League Baseball from the 1970s through the 1980s.

Rollie Fingers.

So, Mr. Assad, the next time you're thinking of putting the smack down on your own people, just remember you don't need to resort to chemical warfare.  

Some well placed mustache wax and a hard biting sinker will usually do the job.

Let’s Talk About Guns.

Let me tell you what little interaction I have had with guns over my life.

Growing up, my best friend’s Dad was a gunsmith.  I assume he still is, but I haven’t asked him about it in years.  They had all sorts of toy guns around the house.  I never saw an actual firearm.  I also never went looking for them, because I wasn’t that interested.

My father is a Vietnam Vet.  He is also a gun owner.  I never saw a gun in the house growing up.  I know where they are now. 

I have fired my father’s guns at a firing range.  A small caliber gun (I forget what kind) and a .45.  The .45 had such power, that I always hit the “perp target” in the crotch.  That’s not where I was aiming.  My father said in the old west no one would mess with me.  Apparently people didn’t like to be shot in the crotch back then either.

As a kid the A-Team was my favorite show.  They shot at people all the time using m16 rifles.  No one ever died on the show.  Even when someone would flipped their jeep (in some of the worst stock footage floating around Hollywood), the “victim” would get out of the jeep to reveal they were alright.  The casualty rate on the A-Team was 0.

I played with toy guns growing up.  They looked real.  They weren’t orange with red caps the way they are now.  I was never dumb enough to point them at someone in a situation to make them think it was real. 

Playing with guns in my youth did not make me want to play with REAL guns as I was older.  Ironically, I love women and have enjoyed “playing” with them all of my life.  However I never played with Barbie dolls…so I’m not sure that playing with a toy as a kid has a great affect on you as an adult.  At least it didn’t to me.

On our honeymoon, Julie bought a bracelet at a cute little shop in the Florida Keys.  The woman working behind the counter was insistent I get something once she knew it was my honeymoon.  I don’t wear jewelry other than my wedding ring.  I said, “OK.  I’ll take the Flintlock.”  The gun was a decoration in the display case representing a pirate theme.  The store didn’t sell flintlocks.  The woman, who had tried to put me on the spot, was now on the spot herself.  She sold it to me for $15 and shipped it to our apartment in West Chester as I had doubts I could get it on the plane ride home.  I have used it in a short film (Damsel in Distress) and a play (Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson).  It’s not real.

I am a vegetarian.  I have been for going on 6 years.  I have never, nor will I ever hunt. 
___________________________________

Before you claim I am "coming for your guns," can we talk about them?