Scott Caan: The Final Chapter

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you've already seen all of this. If you don't follow me on one of those, and yet somehow stumbled on to my blog (and actually read it), you have my thanks.

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The following is from Facebook on Thursday November 23, 2017:

Saw Bad Moms 2 last night. It was fun. When I got home from the theater...guess who was waiting for me?

Tired & cold in New York. Have been "guarding" floats all night.

Weird to be guarding a cop float... — at Macys Balloon Inflating.

Super cold waiting for the Parade to start this year.

I should have worn something heavier than my hoodie.

Of course Scott did full a "deck change." Once a surfer, always a surfer I suppose... — feeling cold at Macy's.

Olaf is aloft — at Macy's.

Scott Caan: I know last year Tony Bennett was a tough assugnment, but maybe we can get you to hang out with another VIP.

Me: Oh! Gwen Stefani?!?

SC: I had a better idea...

Seriously?!? This guy has taken like 70 selfies of himself.

Well...they moved me off Fallon duty and moved me over to work as a balloon wrangle for the Red Power Ranger. Unfortunately, the wind picked up and we had an "incident."

I don't think I'll be asked back next year, so this is kind of working out!  — at Macy's.

Baby sitting celebrities, balloon wrangling, or guarding balloons from outside threats is one thing, but when you want me to be a watch out while you steal a dog from a kid, that's where I draw the line. — at Macy's.

This is that moment when you find out that Scott Caan volunteered you to dress up like Santa, because the other Santa is high off his ass on whippets!

One of these years I'll have a peaceful Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

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Also happy (other) holidays that have happened since Thanksgiving up until today. In the US they include:

Happy Hanukkah, American Indian Heritage Day, Robert E. Lee’s Birthday, President’s Day, Black Friday, Lincoln’s Birthday, First Day of Advent, Cyber Monday, St. Nicholas Day, Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, Feast of the Immaculate Conception, Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, Pan American Aviation Day, Wright Brothers Day, December Solstice, Washington’s Birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Day After Christmas, and Kwanzaa (*Boxing Day is a Canadian Holiday).

Have a safe and Happy New Year.

2 Days...

OK. Now it's officially weird.

I opened my LOCKED car door this morning (which I'm certain was locked last night). And sitting on the passenger seat was a "TOP SECRET" folder with a bunch of information regarding the Olaf float debuting in Thursday's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The information within the folder contained tons of typos and some of it was written in what looked like crayon, so I'm not buying it.

But just in case, I'm not going to go further with what was inside. There were "For Your Eye's Only" warnings all over the place and whoever did this WAS able to get into my car without a key.

I don't want to accidentally start some international incident. And based on the info inside, it IS international!

There was a handwritten note which read:

"Expect SC tomorrow."

I'm nervous...and a bit scared, but at least the "SC" mystery comes to an end tomorrow.

3 Days...

It's been awfully quiet on the "SC" front.

Though, I was awoken last night to the TV downstairs. It's possible Julie or I left it on after going to bed.

There was a Hawaii Five-0 marathon on, however I don't see how this could be related.

5 Days...

Found another Post It note this morning. I'm not sure if it's new or was from a couple days ago. 

Rather than simply toss it in the trash, I examined this one a little bit more carefully.

On the surface it seems like Santa Claus is going to pay me an early visit Thursday morning. Hence the "SLEiGH" and the initials "SC." However, I started to dig a bit and this is the theory I came up with:

Since Lyft is NOT an Irish company called "O'LYFT" I typed it into Google and it said:

Did you mean: Olaf

I didn't. But perhaps I should.

So far the two words that have been in quotes from the Post It notes were "SLEiGH" and "FROZEN." This makes sense in the context of the film Frozen (Kristoff rides around selling ice in his "sleigh"). Plus all this talk of GLOVES (Elsa is forced to wear "gloves" to cut down on freezing the things she touches).

When Google asked if I meant Olaf, I clicked through and found this little bit of information:

'Frozen' snowman Olaf tapped to debut as a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

AHAAAA!!!

Weird messages. Getting up at 2AM. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

There's something familiar about all of this...I feel like I'm close to figuring out the mystery behind this "SC" character.

7 Days...(or 6 Technically)

I saw this text when I got out of the shower this morning.

I'm starting to catch on...

8 Days...

This morning, sitting on my front porch were a pair of gloves and a note which read:

"These gloves will help your grip and keep your fingers from being 'FROZEN'."

Not exactly sure what it is they're referring to, but I have my suspicions.

9 Days...

Just got a weird phone call.

Familiar voice on the Phone:

"Listen. In 9 days, a new balloon needs protecting. You in?"

I asked something like, "Huh?"

Then dial tone.

...there was something familiar about that voice.

"the bear"

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest "bar nights" of the year. I believe the biggest drinking night (day) is still July 4th, but that late autumn Wednesday evening, when everyone seems to be home for the next night's festivities, still wins out for bar hopping.

This year, we stayed in. Having a three year old is a contributing factor, though being 40 also plays into the decision. Kit had recently gotten over a cold, but still had a slight cough that was lingering. Hanging out in a bar was not in the cards.

So I turned off my cell phone and we went to bed on the earlier side.

Around midnight, Kit started coughing. She'll often ask to sip ginger ale to help her throat. But we were all out of ginger ale. I had used the last of it to make a drink earlier in the evening. Look, I said we didn't go to the bar, not that we didn't have a drink.

Feeling guilty for drinking the last of my kid's remedy, I ran out to the 24 hour CVS to grab some more.

As is always the case, there were no cars in the parking lot, but 2 people in front of me in line. How does that happen?

The first one was an older woman. Perhaps doing some late night Christmas shopping. She had a basket full of items, but if pressed I probably couldn't tell you one thing in it.
I do recall her asking for cigarettes to which the young guy behind the counter told her CVS no longer sells them.
The woman became kind of indignant, "Since when?"
This left the guy speechless, as if he was trying to remember when the Magna Carta was signed.
The woman left after a few more grumbles under her breath.

Next up was a kid in his late teens who was clearly stoned. His purchases were a bunch of little bags of potato chips (which he could have saved $ on by buying a bigger bag), and a random assortment of candy bars. Like it literally looked like he grabbed 4 candy bars without looking. One was a Zag-nut, which:

a. I didn't know they still made
b. I can't imagine anyone under 50 even wanting to eat.

As if his munchies weren't enough of an indication of his lack of sobriety, he was wearing an ICP hoodie and smelled like a skunk sprayed a skunk, while fucking another skunk.
He also laughed at random things anyone said. I think that's what kept the first woman from freaking out over the cigarettes.

I was next. And not to be full of myself, but I felt the guy was happy to have someone "normal" for a change. He charged me for the ginger ale and I walked out the door.

There idling in the parking lot, not in a parking spot but rather perpendicular with the store itself, was a very stylish blue pickup truck, with California tags. It was as if it was waiting for me.

The window was rolled down, manually I might add, and a familiar voice asked, "Tell me everything you know about Paddington Bear!"

Fuck.

"How the hell did you find me?" I asked.
He threw a brand new cell phone to me.
"What's this?" I asked, knowing it was a cell phone.
"I assume your phone is dead that's why it's not on." He smiled.

I can't tell if it was a smile as if to say, "what a great gift I got you," or "I know you turned off your phone, but here I am!"

This is a good time for me to update any new readers...

You see, I have long since been stalked by Scott Caan. He'd tell it differently. He might even say we're friends. But friends don't show up in the middle of the night and basically kidnap each other, dragging them 150 miles away.

For more backstory:

Read THIS
Then THIS
And of course THIS
There are probably more, but who can recall?

"Is this thing going to ring in the middle of the night, and then I'll have to babysit Kanye West again?" I ask realizing what an odd question this is.
"Not this year." Scott always has something up his sleeve. I feel like tonight is no different.
"Hey! I have to get home to Kit." I decide to cut him off before this goes any further.
"Of course. Katherine needs her ginger ale."
This doesn't shock me the way it might have in the past. Scott has a way of knowing things before they happen. But this time I can deduce that he took an educated guess. I'm out buying ginger ale at midnight. Odds are it's for my kid. Right?

In the time we've been apart, Scott has also had a daughter. My hope is this has mellowed him out and will see me back in bed in the time it takes for me to get from the CVS to my house.

"Let me just run in a get some smokes."

So fat chance on the getting back to bed anytime soon.

I then begin to laugh to myself as Scott goes in the CVS knowing they don't have cigarettes for sale.

The pothead teenager sitting in the parking lot digging into his 3rd candy bar laughs randomly as Scott comes out of the CVS with cigarettes in hand. I have no idea how he does it.

I assume Scott will follow me to the house, but I loose him almost immediately after pulling out of the parking lot. "Thank God!" I think to myself. Of course his brake lights are lighting up my street when I pull on to it 6 minutes later. "Jesus."

After squaring away Julie, Kit and Kit's cough, I find myself driving Scott's truck on the turnpike while he sits in his passenger seat heading to NYC. He never lights up one of his "smokes" of which I am grateful.

"So Paddington Bear?" He asks again.
"Is that a code of something?" I'm confused, as is my constant state with Scott.
"It's a character from a children's book. And a balloon in the parade this year." He informs me.
"A balloon or a falloon?" I ask as I shake my head knowing full well he's pulled me right back into the thick of it all.
"Haha! I knew you missed this shit!"

I make it from door to door in 99 minutes. A new personal best. 

It's a little after 2am when we pull up and are greeted by John Piper, who oversees all of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"Kevin."
"John."

We have history. Mostly good. But I did crash one of his balloons 11 years back. I guess that memory seems to stick with you.

"So, what do you know about Paddington Bear?" Piper throws the familiar question my way.
"Umm...I guess what everyone knows about him?" I meekly reply.
"So you know Paddington Bear is a character created by Michael Bond on Christmas eve in 1956 after buying his wife a teddy bear in Paddington Station?"
"I mean...yeah?" I wasn't fooling anyone, least of all Piper.
Scott laughs. Pats me on my butt. And walks away.
It would be the last time I would see him.
"Leave him alone, John." I heard a familiar voice say. "He needs to sleep if he's going to wrangle the bear."
It was New York staple, Alec Baldwin. As always he had two cups in his hand.
"No cream." He handed me a coffee. "You're a vegan now, right?" I am. I stopped asking how these people know these things.

I drank the coffee then slept for exact 3 hours. I guess you'd call it napping at such a short length, but it would be the only sleep I'd get for the next 18 hours or so.

"That's enough." I heard in an Austrian accent as I awoke.
I knew it was Leo before seeing him. Scott's right hand man.
I knew better than to put up a fight for 5 more minutes of sleep. So instead jumped up and was ready to go.
"Cool! So where's the Paddington Bear balloon?" I ask Leo.
I want to show him that I'm a leg up and ready to go this year.
"It's at the beginning of the parade route. But that has nothing to do with you." Leo, answered.
Always a step ahead of me. Literally. He was walking at a quick pace and I was almost running to keep up.
"What to do mean? Scott and Piper both asked me what I knew about Paddington Bear." I said slightly out of breath.
"What do you know about the Paddington Bear?" Leo echoed.
"Well...that Michael Buble..."
"...Bond..."
"Right, Michael Bond invented him on Christmas Eve."
It felt like we walked half of NYC in silence before Leo spoke again.
"Are you kidding me? That's all you know about him?"
"What am I going to be on a game show?"
"No. You're going to wrangle the bear."
"RIGHT! That's what Alec said too! So I AM going to be working the Paddington Bear balloon?"
Leo stopped walking.
"No. You're wrangling 'the bear.' And his favorite subject is Paddington Bear. We'll expect you to talk to him about Paddington Bear, and nothing else. Do you under stand? NOTHING ELSE!"
I definitely did NOT understand.
We started walking again at a fevered pace.
"Um...one question."
"Go on."
"Who is the bear?"

I have never heard, nor can I now find anywhere on the internet, that Tony Bennett is referred to as "the bear." But everyone seemed pretty damn serious about this.
Sure enough, when we got to his dressing room, there in gold on the door was the title "the bear." I mentally noted the all lower case letters.
"So do I just wait?" I asked Leo. I think he heard me as he closed the door leaving me alone in Tony Bennett's dressing room.

It wasn't quite a dressing room as much as it was a gigantic ballroom. Yet, it surprisingly had the warmth of a tiny little dressing room.
I waited alone for what seemed like hours as "the bear" had yet to appear.
Of course, I took this time to learn everything I could about Paddington Bear from wikipedia. I could only hope it was all accurate.
I wasn't sure how long I would be with Mr. Bennett, but I started wondering could a person really only discuss Paddington Bear?

"You have a cigarette?" I heard a smooth voice ask from behind me.
I jumped up out of the chair I was sitting on and saw the one and only Tony Bennett walking towards me.
"Errr....I..." I didn't know how to answer. This was clearly not PB related.
"I like to have a couple puffs after my morning sandwich."
"A Marmalade sandwich?" I asked with nothing but uncertainty in my voice.
"Hey! You a big Paddington Bear fan too?" Tony warmed up to me immediately.
"Well...of course!" Was my only response.
"So whadda ya say? Got a smoke?"

It was his use of the word "smoke" that made me feel my back pocket where Scott had patted me earlier. Sure enough there was a foreign bulge.
I pulled out a pack of Parliaments
"Hey! Blue, like Paddington's coat!" Tony said excitedly.
Jesus. Was this guy for real?
My phone started ringing. It was the phone Scott had given me.

"Kanye?" I asked uncertain.
Last time it was Kanye.
"Bring 'the bear' to the start of the parade route. There's a car outside waiting for you." Were the instructions shouted through an Austrian accent before a "click" indicated the call was already over.
"Mr. Bennett..."
"...call me 'the bear.'"
"Mr....the bear, there's a car waiting for us out front."
"Groovy."
 
Outside there was a very expensive looking Rolls Royce. But no driver.
I looked around as we approached the car. I reached out for the driver's door and it was unlocked.
By this time "the bear" was already sliding into the back seat.
There were keys in the ignition.
Was I expected to drive it?
"You look like Mr. Brown up there." My Wikipedia crash course told me that this was a reference to a hapless character in Paddington Bear.
Obviously my cluelessness was shining through.
I got in and started the car. A GPS immediately started as well. It's destination seemed to be the parade route's beginning.
Maybe this wouldn't be so difficult.

Our Paddington Bear banter continued for the entire 17 minute drive.
"the bear" was much more skilled than I was.
Wisely, I mostly just listened, occasionally throwing in a word or two.
As we passed 32nd street I said, "Looks like there's some 'Goings-On At Number 32.'"
This got a huge laugh out of "the bear."

As we pulled up to our destination, John Piper opened the door to let "the bear" out.
There was a small gathering.
"Hello, 'the bear,'" Alec Baldwin said.
"John! This kid is great!" the bear said to Piper validating my entire existence.
"Today, he drives me everywhere? Got that? Everywhere!"
"Of course 'the bear.'" Piper stammered.
It was nice to see him nervous for a change.

I was pretty happy with accomplishing my bizarre task.
I started to walk away when Piper grabbed my arm.
"Where are you going?"
I pointed to where a bunch of the crowd had disburse once "the bear" got on his float with Miss Piggy.
"Oh no," Piper said, "You heard the man, you're driving him."
I looked around, "You mean on the float?!?"
"What 'the bear' wants, 'the bear' gets." Piper said animatedly.
"I can't drive this thing, John!" The thought of crashing a float was far worse than my balloon mishap from 2005.
"Kevin," I felt Alec's hand on my shoulder, "It's just like driving a car...if your car was the size of a football field and had 2 American icons along with a bunch of dancing kids as passengers."
This didn't help.

In the end, I drove the float.
All in all, I think I did OK...minus the part wear I almost killed "the bear."

Happy Thanksgiving!

This Year, Just Say "HAPPY THANKSGIVING!"

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Happy Holidays!

As bloggers everywhere write their obligatory “I’m thankful for the following” lists, I decided I’d forgo the entry meant merely to tout your year’s accomplishments.  I mean, do I need to mention I co-write and produce a musical to critical acclaim? ( still got it in, YES!)

Instead I wanted to write about the expression, “Happy Holidays.”  Because NOBODY else is thinking of doing that.  

“Yeah Kev, why don’t people just say ‘Merry Christmas’?” 

Ummm…yeah.  That’s not really what I meant.  

In this ever growing ugly world, where we are all one misunderstood gesture away from being shot in the face, I get why people don’t want to “assume” by saying “Merry Christmas.”  Oh, also…it’s NOT FUCKING CHRISTMAS YET!

That said, I don’t mind someone saying “Happy Holidays” to me as opposed to assuming I celebrate Christmas.  I do.  But how would they know that?  

Likewise, I don’t mind someone saying “God Bless You” when I sneeze, as opposed to assuming I’m not into Religion.  I’m not.  I’d never spurned a person’s kind words or gesture, because it just might make this world grow uglier a little slower.

But NONE of this is the point for my writing of “Happy Holidays.”  Instead I am curious, which holidays are you wishing me happiness towards?  Obviously there are the BIG three:  

Christmas.  It’s still 28 days away  (that’s a rehab stint),

Chanukah or Hanukkah.  No one really knows how to spelling it, which means I probably should have been Jewish ( terrible speller)

Thanksgiving.  Or as it is sometimes aptly known, “The Day We Gave Indians Smallpox Blankets In Exchange For Teaching Us How To Live Off Their Land.” (Man, that’s a mouth full)

But there are OTHER Holidays that fall within the “Holiday” spectrum of November 9^th- December 30^th/31^st.  My guess is their inclusion is why MANY conservative types rail against saying “Happy Holidays” as opposed to Merry Christmas.

“I don’t mind wish my Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah, but there are probably Muslim holidays in there too!”

I know.  We get it.  You’re a dick.

First, allow me tell you how I came up with my timeframe parameters:  I firmly believe, no Holiday should be celebrated until after Election Day.  

“Kevin, isn’t your birthday usually around Election Day?  And can’t this be interpreted as a selfish way for you to keep the focus on you a little longer?”

Ummm…yeah.  But if we do start the first week of November, why not back up to include Halloween under the “Happy Holidays” umbrella as well?

SIDE NOTE:  While trick or treating with my nephew, I wished a woman a “Happy Halloween.”  She returned the gratitude with candy and by saying, “Happy Holidays” to me.  I laughed at her.  And then threw the Good N’ Plentys at her face…cause those things are fucking gross!

“OK Kevin, I concede that Halloween should NOT be covered under the ‘Happy Holidays’ brand.  As no one has a problem saying ‘Happy Halloween’ except maybe Brits with a Cockney accent who say, ‘‘appy ‘alloween’.   But why only go until December 30th/31^st?  Shouldn’t this cover New Year’s?  And what’s the deal with it being 30^th/31^st anyway?”

OK.  Allow me to address this point by point.

1. Thank You
2. Please don’t make fun of the Brits.  They are our allies in most of the world’s problems and more importantly, they gave us Doctor Who
3. Because, similar to how you point out “no one has a problem saying ‘Happy Halloween’,” they don’t have a problem saying “Happy New Years” either as it appears on our Roman/Greco calendar .
4. Good question.

Right or wrong, we have stretched the Christmas season to last from the second you get up from the Thanksgiving table to New Years Eve.  Personally, I view Christmas like a rollercoaster.  The buildup lasts FAR longer than the actual event.  That said, I think Christmas ends the first time you forget to turn on your Christmas lights, which is either 12/30 or 12/31.  It just happens, folks.

So what are all of the holidays that are supported by the catch all, “Happy Holidays”?  Here is a list of Holidays celebrated in the US during that timeframe:  

11/28 Thanksgiving – National Holiday

11/28 Hanukkah (begins) – Jewish Holiday

11/29 American Indian Heritage Day – State Holiday in Maryland

11/29 Robert E. Lee’s Birthday – State Holiday in Georgia

11/29 President’s Day – State Holiday in New Mexico

11/29 Black Friday – State Holiday in 17 states

11/29 Lincoln’s Birthday* – State Holiday in West Virginia & Indiana

*This is bizarre as Lincoln’s birthday is 2/12.  However this was done to give state worker’s a day off for the day after Thanksgiving.

12/1 First Day of Advent – Christina Holiday

12/2 Cyber Monday – Observance

12/5 Last Day of Hanukkah – Jewish Holiday

12/6 St. Nicholas Day – Observance

12/7 Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day – Observance

12/8 Feast of the Immaculate Conception – Christian Holiday

12/12 Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe – Observation

12/17 Pan American Aviation Day – Observance

12/17 Wright Brothers Day – Observance

12/21 December Solstice – Season

12/24 Washington’s Birthday* – State Holiday in Indiana

*It’s actually 2/22…again, weird.

12/24 Christmas Eve – Observance, Christian Holiday.  Also, state holiday in:  Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and Wisconsin

12/25 Christmas Day – National Holiday/Christian

12/26 Day After Christmas – State Holiday in Kansas, North Carolina, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Texas  (Clever name guys!  It’s also Boxing Day in Canada, but the US barely recognizes Canada as a nation, surely they won’t recognize their dumb holidays)

12/26 Kwanzaa – Observance

So next time you wish someone a Happy Holiday, just remember, what you’re really saying. 

“Have a ‘PANTASTIC’ Pan American Aviation Day!”  

Which sounds stupid, even with a Cockney accent.