"Analyzing the Shit Out of That One Scene in Superman II Where the Kid Almost Dies at Niagara Falls."

I'm thinking of writing a One Man Show called "Analyzing the Shit Out of That One Scene in Superman II Where the Kid Almost Dies at Niagara Falls."

Before we go any further, it's imperative that you watch the scene.

CLICK HERE TO DO SO!

I have seen Superman 2 at least a couple dozen times. Yet, there is SO much that happens in this scene, that I am still just discovering things 29 years after its release. Things such as the fact that it actually came out 39 years ago! What the Hell?!?

First off, the scene in question seems to take place on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. I find this to be a bold choice for a guy who allegedly stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."
But this one man show isn't ABOOT that.

Second, what's with the olive green and pink combo Lois is sporting? I know this was 39 years ago, but MAN! could you be any more stereo typical 80s?

This scene lives within the subtle moments. Sure it's great that Clark, to distract Lois from figuring out that he is Superman (because she cleaned his glasses), runs over to save the little kid standing on the railing. The best part is when his mother hits the kid immediately afterwards blaming him for embarrassing her, "here in front of everybody."

It's a nice companion piece for when Superman, in the first movie,  saves the little girl's cat stuck in the tree. This results in her mother smacking her for "lying." Apparently Superman is an equal opportunist when it comes to kids catching a beating. 

(*Also, he should have slapped the girl's mother for letting her kid name the cat "Frisky.")


It seems as though Lois completely missed that this kid was standing on the railing. As a world class reporter you figure she would have noticed something like that. Not only does she not notice it, but when Clark brings it up, she decides she's hungry and ignores the possible lead.

She then sends Clark off to get her hot dog and freshly squeezed orange juice.

We immediately see the kid back at the rail. By "we" I mean the audience, because Lois still doesn't see a goddamn thing. And his mother could give a shit.

To amp it up, the kid is now on the Falls side of the rail!

He says "Hey Ma, look!"

To which his mother says without looking, while eating what appears to be cotton candy, "Uh-huh. Yeah honey, that's nice."

Great parenting. Somethings haven't changed since 1980.

Here's the thing: The kid is the same kid as before, BUT I'm 90% sure that the actor playing the mother is NOT the same actor from seconds earlier! Yes, she's wearing the same shirt, but her hair color AND face look completely different!!!

Did she get fired in between shots? This film crew means business!

Also, the man she's with (presumably the boy's father) is looking at a map, which is helping distract her. WHAT MAP?!? Like, why would you need a map at Niagara Falls? Is there REALLY anywhere else you can go?!?

Lois then takes a picture in the vicinity of where the kid is endangering himself. Perhaps she's taking a photo of him, though it looks like she's taking a picture passed him...of random people I suppose. Which would mean Lois is kind of a creep. BUT AGAIN, she sees this kid is goofing around and SAYS NOTHING!

Lois Lane hates kids. Or at least this particular one.

Then, as the kid is falling, Lois screams "Help!" 

To be fair, she says "Oh my God," and then screams "Help." However, her lips seems to say something closer to "Holy Crap" instead of "Oh my God."

Now, let's be honest, it's too fucking late. Unless you're calling for someone to fish out the body, what's the point in yelling "Help!" Superman. That's the point...but wait...

Once Lois yells help, the parents run to the rail realizing it's their kid whom such misfortune has befallen. But NOT before the mother EATS ANOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF COTTON CANDY?!? WTF!!! You can see it at 2:31 in the clip posted above.

Also, I get the concept of "suspension of disbelief" and all, but this kid falls for 23 second before Superman catches him!

23 SECONDS!!! 

I did some quick Google Sleuthing (Is that a term? Should be), and found that it takes approximately 2.5 seconds to fall 100 feet. Niagara Falls, at its tallest point, is 176 feet. Meaning that by the time Supes shows up, that kid has, at the very least,  been soaked for about 19 seconds. And probably dead for at least half that amount of time.

Hell, Clark doesn't even make his move to change into Superman for 10 full seconds!!!

Please note: Fantastic Falling dummy at the 2:40 mark!

The absolute best part of all, is ALL of the commentary by the crowd. They all have some little things to say including:

"Do something!"
"It's Superman!"
"What a nice man!"
       and
"Of course he's Jewish."

What's that now?

Yes, there's some older sounding woman who comments, "Of course he's Jewish."

I realize the link I posted above is shaky and may very well have been filming a TV in someone's Rec Room, where their old Jewish grandmother lent her own commentary to the scene. Therefore, I have ANOTHER source of said scene right: HERE.

Yep. It's in there. This made me so happy!

After that nice Jewish superhero saves the kid (again), his mother once again yells at him. Pulling at his arm she says, "You're going to get it!" Another beating no doubt.

Also, I'm fairly certain it's back to the original Mom!

The scene cuts off, but if it were to continue, we'd see Lois piece together the fact that Superman and Clark are never in the same place at the same time.

You'd also get to see Clark Kent steal hot dogs. Yeah, I know, he leaves some change. But, even in 1980 dollars, a few shekels ain't enough for 2 hot dogs! 

And why isn't anyone working at the hot dog place?!? I know that the excitement of Superman having just been there was in the air, but when Clark walks back to Lois, everything is back to normal!

Like people don't give a fuck that Superman just saved an ungrateful kid's goddamn life!

So what, did the hot dog vendors up and quit? Did they too jump over the railing in hopes that Superman would save them?

When the kid says "Again, again," Superman does say, "Sorry, only one ride per customer." Did the vendors take him up on the offer? AND, more importantly, did he fall down on the job?!?

Clearly there are a lot more things to discuss, which is why this really calls for a One Man Show...

...or maybe a Podcast. A Podcast completely devoted to a single four minute scene. Hmmmm....

Targeted Advertising

Let's talk about Marketing & Advertising and whether it works.

You fast forward through commercials every chance you get, right? Even in Podcasts, I attempt to scrub through ads (editing term), knowing I'll likely miss some of the Podcast if I don't do it precisely. I just don't care what is being advertised.

In the works of Bill Hicks, "...if anyone here is in advertising or marketing....kill yourself."

EVEN if the copy is read "on the air" by the talent, I fast forward through it.

Look, Paul F. Tompkins and Conan O'Brien have better commercials than anyone else! But I am predisposed to NOT listen to it! It's hardwired in my lizard brain. The same lizard brain that Ad Agencies hope to engage with advertising.

And targeted advertising is THE WORST!

My Facebook feed is FILLED with ads for women's underwear. (Speaking of taking advantage of lizard brains)

Yes, I have bought underwear for my wife online. Have I bought so much that I see at least 3 ads a day? My wife would be the first to tell you, NO! (I need to buy her more things).

I mean, all things considered, I don't mind seeing women in underwear. Butt (<-- see what I did there?), I don't think I have EVER clicked on one to purchase said underwear!

This is one of my favorites:

This is a woman, in her underwear, getting a gift of MORE UNDERWEAR! 

I can only assume the person who gave her this gift (Husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, fellow bookclub member) thought, "Hey...you've been siting around in the same pair of underwear for the past 3 months...maybe some new ones?"

Perhaps underwear is just her thing, ya know?

"Hey, there goes underwear lady. How's it going underwear lady? Off to get some new underwear?"

THIS is the type of targeted advertising that drives me crazy though!

Like when I bought a car from D'Ambrosio in Downingtown, PA. The guy who sold me the car emailed me twice a week for about two months to see if I was in the market for a new car...starting THE WEEK AFTER I BOUGHT THE FUCKING CAR!

I should hope not, buddy!

He finally stopped when, two months after buying my car, my key FOB died. I emailed him back on one of his threads and asked if they'd replace it. He informed me I'd need to reach out to the manufacturer and offered no additional help.

I never heard from him again. Want the email thread?

I also am fascinated by targeting advertising that MISSES THE FUCKING TARGET!

I have, in emails, been propositioned by the Republican National Committee, or more to the point, the Trump Campaign, to donate money to a man I have fought again since the first time he ran for office (and lost...why doesn't anyone seem to remember that?)

I just delete those emails, but am baffled how they have ended up with this liberal on their email list.

Perhaps some of those lady underwear ads I previously claimed to have never clicked?

But more so are the targeted ads that miss by a little...

This B-52's GroupOn ad is a prime example!

The offer is now Sold Out, however I received this a few weeks ago. Now I rarely click through to GroupOn offers. But I actually thought this would be a lot of fun...AND it's under $40!!! I'm in!

Just one small problem: this show is in Greensboro, North Carolina!!! What the fuck?!?

If you then go through the tedious leg work (ie click another button) to get to the Philly show, it's almost 50% more expensive! Sure $60 is not a terrible price to pay to see the B-52's, but it's a hell of a lot more than the $37.75 I was led to believe it would cost.

I think my favorite ad right now, is this one:

I have seen this more than once. And every time I do, I try to figure out, WHAT DOES THIS PHOTO HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING A LOAN?!?

I'm assuming this a woman on a ski trip and not some weird Bukkake Wintery Forest Getaway. So is the ad implying I can get a loan to go on a ski trip? It specifically mentions mortgages, so are they recommending I buy a cabin?

The line, "Don't worry, we're experts," is what gets me. Experts at what? Randomly matching non sequitur photos with your ads?

Look, I know that ads aren't going away, and for the most part I don't mind them. It's just that most times, they feel more like a shot in the dark as opposed to a thought out strategy that an algorithm is programmed around. 

And I'm also well aware that simply Googling a word can completely change the algorithm used to advertise to you. Which is why I wish I had had more confidence regarding the spelling of "bukkake" above.

A Second Chance (For A Third Time)

I like really weird and nonsensical stuff.

I was obsessed with MTV's The State and Mr. Show in the 90s.

Lately I have been watching "I Think You Should Leave" with Tim Robinson. It's fantastic.

So last night I wanted to watch something short that I wouldn't have to invest a lot of emotional time into.

I stumbled across something from 2018 called "Party Monster: Scratching the Surface."

It looked like a stand alone mock-u-mentary starring Jon Hamm. So I started watching it. It was asinine and immature, and quite frankly exactly what I was looking for.

I laughed a ton and wondered, "How in the hell had I never heard of this before?"

And then, about half way through the 30+ minute short, Kimmy Schmidt showed up.

Allow me a moment to talk about, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, for anyone who doesn't know, was a series originally developed for NBC. It would eventually be sold to Netflix in 2015.

It was created by Tiny Fey (creator of 30 Rock) and Robert Carlock (show runner for 30 Rock), and starred Ellie Kempler. Remember when I said, "I was obsessed with The State and Mr. Show?" Yeah, well add 30 Rock to that list! 30 Rock remains one of my top 5 sitcoms of all time. It was both sketch and narrative at the same time. It was able to jump from reoccurring "bit," to almost drama, to biting social commentary, to poop joke all within 2 or 3 lines of dialogue. It is a much smarter show than it is typically given credit. So it would make sense that I would LOVE anything and everything by the creative forces behind it. But then there's Kimmy Schmidt.

I remember the excitement the day that Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt debuted. People were praising it left and right on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In (maybe)...So I couldn't wait to check it out! Then I did...

...I hated it. Not hated, but rather was completely bored. I didn't care about any of the characters. I found the first few moments to be laborious. HOLY SHIT! How am I going to get through this episode, let alone the whole season?!?

The short answer, I wouldn't. I used to do a podcast called "You've Got Geek." On it, we'd talk about movies or TV shows that you can "fold your laundry to." It basically meant, you could watch it without "watching it."
Think Cheers.

James Burrows used to equate Cheers (and Frasier, and Wings, and Friends...) to old radio shows. You didn't need to be invested visually to appreciate the show. And while that may be true, I have always had a hard time watching something and NOT being completely invested. I realize that this contradicts what I said earlier about how I, "wanted to watch something...that I wouldn't have to invest a lot of emotion into." But the fact is, I CAN'T!!! Even the dumbest little thing like a sketch or mock-u-mentary, I am all in.

Otherwise, I'm ALL OUT!
So back to Kimmy.

I turned on the first episode. And I couldn't get into it.

I paused it.
I walked away.
I watched while folding laundry.
I even turned it off for a few hours and went grocery shopping.

I just couldn't invest myself.

Finally, at the end of the day, I made it through the first episode!!!

Over the course of the next few days I allowed the next two episodes to play in the background of my life. I would find myself getting pulled away and didn't even bother to pause it.

"Ah, whatever," was my thinking. "I'll figure out what's going on."

And then. I just stopped.

Two and a half, maybe three episodes in, I was done.

Three more seasons would eventually be released much to the pleasure and joyous accolades of many of my friends.

I was happy for them. But I had no interest in the show.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I did attempt again. Somewhere along the way, I rewatched episode one. After all, I remember having a similar reaction to Orange is the New Black's first episode.

Julie and I watched it. She liked it, but I wasn't into it, so we stopped. That was it....until later, when I gave it another chance and ended up loving it! I devoured it, WITHOUT Julie. I have always felt badly about that, which Julie loves to torture me over.

Perhaps I merely wasn't in the right emotional place when I attempted to watch Kimmy Schmidt...or I just had some important goddamn items on my grocery list! So I went back and rewatched episode one. The results were the same.

Cooler version of me bored and apparently wearing a tie while I watch TV.

That brings us back to last night.

I LOVED Party Monster (not to be confused with Party Monster the book by James St. James which I read and loved! OR Party Monster the movie with Macauley Culkin and Seth Green, BASED on the book by James St. James, which I saw and liked).

How could this be so?

It's the same writers.
The same production staff.
Hell, even many of the same characters!

Is it possible that BOTH times I attempted to watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I wasn't in the right mindset?

Would the third time be the charm?

I mean, I really liked this mock-u-mentary, but would a 30 minute short be enough to convince me to watch 51 episodes of a show I was rather bored with on a previous attempt?

The answer, yes.

But this time, I'll watch it with Julie. Just on the off chance we have another Orange is the New Black situation on our hands and I can make that up to her!

Otherwise, she can suffer with me as pay back for constantly reminding me I made her stop watching it in the first place.

Millionaire Halloween

Though 176 days away for most of us, yesterday was the celebration of the annual "Millionaire's Halloween." This year's Met Gala, which is a fundraiser for the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, NY, saw an impressive bevy of costumes, but once again failed to have a single participant dressed as a Ghostbuster on the Red Carpet. When will they learn?!?

Up until last year, The Met (the Museum, NOT the Gala) was "pay-what-you-will." Because of this, the concept of the Met Gala event to raise money, seemed almost philanthropic.

Now if you want to visit The Met, it'll cost you $25 for an adult, $17 for a senior, $12 for a student, and FREE if you're under 12. However, if you want to visit the Met Gala, it'll cost you $30,000! Or you can get a table for $275,000. Based on the money, you can mathematically fit 9.16 people per table, which explains why only Jared Leto's head could make it this year.

The theme was allegedly "CAMP." Of course, I didn't see ANYONE dressed in a denim vest, a sun beaten fishing cap, and a tool belt. But I guess "camp" doesn't mean the same to everyone, "know what I mean, Vern?"

So what sui generis costumes did this unique mass don?


Lady Gaga (one of the event's "Hosts") dressed as Silly Puddy. Still a classic!

Gaga also brought extra costumes (a brilliant move to go out and get ADDITIONAL candy).

Here's one of her dresses as Mary Antoinette Poppins. "Let them eat a spoon full of sugar!"

Katy Perry went as Lumiere (again) from Beauty & The Beast. Katy, we get it! Your Mom worked hard on that costume, but seriously, EVERY year?!?

Gal Gadot and Clare Waight Keller dressed as timeless Mad Magazine characters, Spy vs. Spy.

A couple of "almost the same costume" moments with:

Janelle Monae rocking the One-Eyed Jack. Combining the playing card AND the Marlon Brando's character Rio in the film One-Eyed Jacks. Pretty heady stuff!

As well as Gemma Chan going as that thing that Superman uses to talk to his dead father in the Fortress of Solitude.

Both outfits drew heavy inspiration from Marlon Brando.

A near similar set saw Kylie Jenner's Mahna Mahna Music video inspired costume...

... almost get confused with Amber Valletta's "Green Fry Guy" costume.

RuPaul's Tony the Tiger outfit was great, until he lost the head piece.
(Seriously, if anyone found it PLEASE return it! It was rented!!!)

And Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner's couple costume homage to 1980s video games (Q-bert and Tron, respectively) was impressive!

I also appreciated Gwen Stefani's costume as "The Future Mrs. Kevin Regan."

But my favorite costume of the night was hands down Colin Kaepernick as Johnny Lawrence in his Cobra Kai outfit, along with Nessa Diab dressed as the 2nd place trophy Johnny won at the 1984 All-Valley Karate Championship that Sensei John Crease would break in the parking lot afterwards.

A little promotion tie in for Cobra Kai Season 2 now on Youtube Premium.

Blue Jeans (Cover Your Asshole)

I just met a girl named Blue Jean...I didn't. But it popped in my head when I wrote this, so now hopefully it's popped into yours.

I wear blue jeans, almost everyday. I own other pants. Dress pants. Khakis. Cargo pants. Sweat pants. Pajama bottoms. The list goes on...or actually ends just about there. But I rarely wear anything other than blue jeans. Probably because they're easy. Also, they hide dirt well. So you can get away with wearing the same pair for like four days in a row. If I can go four days without having to make a decision, that is a huge win for this indecisive asshole.

Speaking of assholes, in the end (literally) that's all pants are: a covering for your asshole.
Sure they cover your dick, lady parts, or what ever you have, but with few exceptions, we all have assholes. (<--- !!! Seriously, go back and CLICK that link and read about the man who lived 55 years without an anus! SCIENCE!)

You may be thinking, "Hey, I like seeing assholes....on a date...or in a club...or sunbathing in the park..." Okay fine. But I'm talking about in regular places throughout the day, like grocery shopping, or at the mechanic, or in the waiting room of the doctors office...and WHAT park are you hanging out at?!?

Personally, I just like having a reliable pair of pants that are pretty universal for most occasions. As long as they're not covered in mud, jeans are accepted most places you'll go today.

What I HATE, is buying jeans. In fact next to a car and a bed, they are probably the thing I like buying least! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE owning them, but loath the process of actually buying them.

Recently, I blew the knee out of two separate pairs of jeans (same knee...maybe my left knee is extremely sharp or something), forcing me to replace them. I went to Old Navy, as they have had pretty affordable jeans in the past. They were running a sale, but truthfully, it was still more than I wanted to spend. In the end I bought two pairs, but it got me thinking how expensive jeans can be.

I recall a story in which a friend of mine was in a band, and his drummer who would brag about a pair of $600 jeans he had purchased. This is astounding to me. If I spent $600 on jeans, I'd assume it included at least 13 pairs as well as a new dresser in which to hold them! But a single pair? WHY?!?

This dresser is available at Raymour & Flanigan for under $190.00

Obviously, this Old Navy shopper realizes different people want different things, have different styles, and different budgets. But why on earth would anyone spend $600 to cover their asshole?

I Googled "the world's most expensive jeans," and found some real treasures (that I could never afford):

3x1 is a company that start in 2011. Their "made to order" jeans start around $1200. While I admit, made to order is going to come with a slightly higher expense, the idea that they are 30 times more expensive than my most recent jeans purchase is insane. Even if it was "maid to order" in which a maid comes to your house and cleans it from top to bottom while your jeans are being made, I'd still think it's about $800 too expensive.

Note even THEY are wearing denim!

Michael Kors, one of the few names I recognize because of my wife's love of Project Runway, has a pair of Tie-Dye Leather Bell-Bottom Pants that sold for $2000! I swear to God, the three things I hate most in pants listed in no particular order are tie-dye, leather, and bell-bottom. Christ, even Yandy wouldn't have something this gaudy! Michael Kor jeans vary from $1200-$1700. Jesus.

I stand corrected. Yandy! Say it ain't so!

Alexander McQueen jeans go for between $1000 and $2000. I found THIS PAIR of "Steve McQueen" jeans on Ebay for under $30.00.

The man could rock the denim!

Gucci released something called their "Genius Jeans" in 1998. At the time, they were the most expensive jeans in the world with the hefty price tag of $3134!!! They are a distressed pair of jeans (read: washed a shit-ton), that are ripped (read: blown out left knee) adorned with African beads (read: covered with shit from Michael's).

For the record, when Steve McQueen's 1968 Ford Mustang 390 GT 2+2 Fastback came off the assembly line, it cost $2712. Meaning you could have McQueen's car, and "his" jeans we previously talked about, and still have almost $400 left over to buy 2 dressers...

Hell yeah!

Finally, this fucking pair of jeans!

Secret Circus' $1.3 millions dollar pair of jeans based on the 15 diamonds encrusted on the back pocket. Look lady, I was already looking at your butt, you didn't need to have the GDP of Thailand on there!

Seriously, you spend this much on jeans we may not see your asshole, but we'll surely see you are an asshole!

Advice to Donald Trump: "Don't Say A Word"

Where's the button that shuts down the government for a month?

While pleading his case, AKA grasping at straws, for his pointless WA11, current US President (under investigation) Donald J. Trump is getting blasted for repeatedly claiming "women have been discovered covered in duct tape" and "prayer rugs had been found by farmers near the Mexican border."

Of course neither of these tidbits were ascertained through the Intelligence Community, but rather through Trumps personal network of information, Netflix. More specifically while watching the 2015 film, Sicario on Netflix.

Ten bucks says he makes someone "sit" on the couch in front of him while he watches.
One hundred and fifty thousand bucks says he has Michael Cohen pay them not to tell his wife!

OK. I admit it, this is FAKE NEWS. Sicario is not actually on Netflix...which honestly, is some bullshit Netflix! After all, if you're going to raise my monthly charge AGAIN (Stranger Things Season 3 better be worth it!) the least you can do is stream the film that basically shut down the government for over a month!
Perhaps Trump has a Blu-Ray, DVD, digital download, or even a VHS. 
*Writer's Note: I checked after writing this, Sicario was never released on VHS. But maybe Trump taped over something he already had...perhaps a certain "Pee Tape."
(*Editor Note: That was typo that was supposed to read "Pee Wee Herman Tape")
(*Editor's Note Part II: Why didn't I just fix the typo you ask? Because it's not my fucking job to fix Kevin's mistakes!)
(*Editor's Note Part III: Oh! That is an editor's actual job? Who knew?)

Regardless of how he viewed it, people are up in arms over Trump dictating policy based on a movie he watched.

Here's the thing...he's not the first President to do this! I mean come on! Ronald Reagan basically had ALL of The Soviet Union standing in food lines when he damn near bankrupted the nation after a late night screening of Star Wars.
*Look it up, it's not entirely untrue.

He would have loved Jar Jar...as long as Jar Jar didn't have AIDS.

On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, President Barack Obama was unwinding after a long day and he found a VHS tape left over from the Bush Administration. Ironically, the video was also celebrating a 10 year anniversary that month, Don't Say A Word.

The movie starred Michael Douglas and Brittnay Murphy.

President Obama hated it so much, especially the creepy "I'll never tell..." scene with Murphy in the insane asylum, that Obama swore to bring down the movie.

Less than 2 weeks later, on 9/20/2011, Obama signed The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act of 2010 (H.R. 2965, S. 4023)

Also, the VHS tape was recorded over with the final episode of All My Children on 9/23/2011. Most people have since forgotten about this film securing Obama's legacy in perpetuity. 

What a terrible punishment for the Obama girls.

Much to Barbara Bush's chagrin, her moments younger twin sister, Jenna always got to pick the movie night film for the Bush girl's birthday. Though the sisters had a joint Blockbuster account, their tastes in movies varied greatly. Jenna preferred comedies and lighthearted films. While Barbara like much darker, often times boring films. 

Thanksgiving 2003, newly 22 year old Jenna brought a copy of "Dude Where's My Car" to family movie night. 

Hoping to finally be taken seriously, Barbara brought along "Don't Say a Word." Her father President George W. Bush didn't even waste time on "eeny meenying" it. "Dude Where's My Car," went in the VCR, "Don't Say a Word" was discarded to the dustbin of history (along with some crumpled up papers where Dick Chaney was "spitballing" about how to "relieve" Bush of all that work).

What is that I see in the waste basket by the American Flag? Sorry Barbara.

One week later, clearly having "theft" from the fears of "a dude" having their car stolen on his mind, Bush speaks of the Identity Theft Legislation. Legislation which he'd sign into law a short time later (HR 1731). 

"And then..."
And then a whole bunch of war crimes, I guess.

"The truth really IS out there!"

                              - Bill Clinton

President William Jefferson Clinton was a fan of movies. More importantly, he was a fan of an invention his VP Al Gore came up with called The Internet.

After stumbling upon a Gillian Anderson geocities page filled with sexy photos, Clinton was hooked!

However, he needed more, and feared that a computer monopoly might inhibit the free market. Therefore, The United States vs Microsoft Corp. began. Ushering in a new age of the world wide web which includes such things as Pornhub.com. A place to find poorly doctored photographs...also Blogger.com.

And George HW Bush...did things too (more war crimes, maybe)?

Why did they watch TV like this when there were only 3 channels? They knew they didn't need a different TV to watch each channel, right?

The point is...

...Fuck. I forget what my point was.
*(Editor's Note: Ya got me...)

I guess the point is, maybe listen to your Intelligence Agencies as opposed to whipping people into a frenzy over information that is inaccurate, AKA completely fictional.

When in doubt, just don't say a word...but don't WATCH "Don't Say a Word!"