#ShareACoke Day 1

The Elvis, And - Podcast

When I was writing The Clink, a web series I wrote with Brendan Carr, Joel Rickenbach, Jim Burns, and occasionally Andrew Mitchell, Brendan would often regale us with entertaining stories about Elvis Presley.

Brendan had been a guest star on a previous web series I produced with Joel called The League. 
Editor's Note: Brendan is the Magician

That's when I found out that he and I shared a common love for the King of Rock and Roll...it's rather obvious Brendan is a fan of 50s music, because he looks like he probably rolled with Carl Perkins and the like.


Each week we'd all coax Brendan into sharing a new twisted tale to ease us into our writing sessions.

Joel and I had been doing a podcast called "You've Got Geek On You" (an homage to Shaun of the Dead's, "You've got red on you, did you know that?") The show has since been shortened to simply "You've Got Geek." We asked Brendan to join the podcast because of his unique voice and veracious love of ALL things "Geek."

Week after week, long after The Clink had wrapped, Brendan and I would recount various strange Elvis stories. We'd talk about doing a special "You've Got Geek" episode or maybe even a podcast of it's own, specifically about the man we called, "E."

Things got busy, life got crazy and my short sabbatical from the podcast turned into 2 years.

Then, last fall, Brendan and I went out for drinks. We discussed the podcast and talked of structuring it like an Improv montage. (Brendan had turned my on to MANY character driven Improv podcasts such as Comedy Bang Bang and Superego). This would almost be a homage to those podcasts...or, Elvis willing, a podcast to sit among my favorite shows on iTunes.

I recruited various comedian/actors to come play the parts. 

The first person I thought of, was Lew Indellini. We had done a play together in early 2014 (immediately following the birth of my daughter). The late night rehearsals, where I was sitting in a corner learning my lines while missing my wife and daughter who were at home, were made easier in meeting Lew and finding out (among other things) that he too was a HUGE fan of podcasts such as Superego. When it came time to cast "Elvis, And" I knew I wanted him on board.
*Editor's Note: He was also once my parents-in-law's mail carrier!

Then, Adam Wahlberg. Adam and I had done various shows, including "Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson," as well as an original musical I wrote with Joe Trainor (of "The Joe Trainor Trio" fame) called, "On The Air." We also did a murder mystery dinner together that was maybe the most amazing, punk rock, murder mystery that ever was! We toyed with doing a web series based on those characters, which I haven't ruled out. Adam also helps me with my "day job." He's been in front of the camera for A LOT of safety reg videos. So of course he's gotta be part of my Memphis Mafia!

Jim McCabe. I have known, "The Voice" since I was 6 years old. In our first meeting, Brendan said, "McCabe for the Colonel, right?" You're goddamn right! Jim also jumped in to do some gratis VO work. I hate asking friends to ply their trades for no payment. But Jim was happy to do it, and even offered to do far more.

Rounding out the cast for season 1 is one of my fellow ComedySportz players, Steve Roney. Steve and I had been working on another project, and when I mentioned "Elvis, And" he said, "Oh that sounds fun." I asked if he'd be interested in doing it and the next thing I knew a microphone was in front of him. Perfect.

Finally, though not a cast member (yet), his presences is felt in EVERY episode, Matt Casarino. He, along with Jill Knapp, provide the rocking rockabilly back bone that is the music of the entire series. From the theme song to the transition music between scenes, Matt was only too gracious to take on every weird (Elvislike) request I had. We now own a monkey together. Seriously, Matt & Jill are a FORCE in the band Hot Breakfast (HOT BREAKFAST!) If you haven't and can, SEE THEM LIVE!

So here we are. The first episode of what I hope will be a fun monthly show for people to enjoy. Episodes are approximately 30 minutes in length. Maybe they help ease a part of your commute during the month. Or give you a laugh while taking a walk on the weekend. Or even just allow you some much needed humor as you unwind at the end of the day.

Taking the Improv tenet of "Yes, And..." and adding a pair of side burns to it, here is the monthly podcast, "Elvis, And." 

Look for new episodes the first of the month through February 2016.

CLICK HERE for Episode 1: "Elvis, And Scatter"

Nebraska vs, Homosexuals (not a WWE match)

On May 1^st, 2015, a 66 year old Nebraskan woman, named Sylvia Driskell, filed a federal lawsuit in the U.S. District Court of Omaha.

The suit, which is seven pages of hand written gold, asks, “Is homosexuality a sin, or not a sin?”

Citing herself as the plaintiff, she claims to be an ambassador for both God and his son, Jesus Christ. The defendants are homosexuals (listed as “their given name, homosexuals”) as well as their alias, spelled “Alis”, “Gay.”

In making her argument, she quotes the King James Version of the ever popular “God Hates Fags” book of Leviticus:

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

A few things about this actual line of dialogue before I move on…

First, Leviticus is largely believed to be a collection of speeches God made to Moses. Moses had been int he desert for 40 years and was fast approaching the end of his 120 year life...so, probably not the ideal stenographer. in fact, Moses's younger brother, Aaron would have been a better candidate to record the "word of the Lord." BUT, according to the Bible, Moses stripper his brother of his "priestly garments" in quite the "cunty" manner (that last part was mine, not the Bible).

Aaron would die on Mount Hor according to the book of Numbers…or he’d die at Moseroth as recorded in Deuteronomy. Two totally different places that have “significant distances” between them according to Fredric J. McCurdy’s succinctly titled, The JewishEncyclopedia: A Descriptive Record of the History, Religion, Literature, andCustoms of the Jewish People from Earliest Times: Complete in Twelve Volumes.

But hey, why quibble over the vast inaccuracies in the Bible?

Second, as mentioned, Moses was old and presumably tired. He even wrote “it is abomination” not “it is AN abomination.” This would infer, there is NOTHING ELSE one could do that is an abomination, just gay sex or literally to “lie with mankind.” This warning not to “lie with mankind.” could be God railing against “hoodwinking” your fellow man (which, let’s be honest, probably means to do something with one’s penis according to Urban Dictionary)

Yet still, Moses, before stripping his brother (which is a bit hom-ish, itself), may have been pissed off because Aaron was NEVER around to do Moses’ bidding. He was younger and thus more virile. So it could be assumed by scholars and pervs alike that Aaron was out banging women…and perhaps even men.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

Also, if that colon is a typo caused by a 120 year old's "dim eye (YES< I know Deuteronomy says, "his eye was not dim." However we already saw the conflicts that book had with Numbers, so how accurate is it?), then it actually means you shouldn't lie with men OR women. SO I submit two thoughts here:

1.    (lie = fucking) God was looking to create a pre Clive Owen, Children of Men situation of NO MORE PEOPLE being produced!

2.    (lie = bear false witness), God really meant, “stop lying you motherfuckers!”
As in, “WHOA! What’s with all of these wars being fought in my name here guys? You get that mine is a message of peace and love, right?”

But, I digress…back to Nebraska.

Here’s my concern in regards to this young lady’s suit (young compared to old man Moses).

She’s naming ALL homosexuals in this suit, and presumably, ALL homosexual activity. Does this include the fellow who is NOT a homosexual, and one night he’s surfing the internet (we’ll say proof reading the Bible or something), eventually he finds himself looking at porn. THERE’S SO MUCH OF IT ON THE INTERNET!!!
The porn is going great, when all of the sudden, this NON homosexual has a “Lola Situation” on his hand (or IN it!). Should he stop? Should he click to another video? Should he close the browser all together? Or should he continue, ignoring the hoodwinking that has been thrust upon him?

…er, ah hypothetically, of course!

I have included the actual handwritten petition below.

Before answering her question of, “Is homosexuality a sin, or not a sin?” (It’s not), she really needs to define WHAT homosexuality is.

Speaking of definitions, according to the Urban Dictionary, Hood Winking is "when someone gets slapped in the eye by an uncircumcised penis, followed by dragging motion away from the eye.”

Yep. Nailed it!

How I Saved Bradley Cooper A Couple Of Bucks (Or Some Dude Who Looked Like Him)

Saturday April 11th marked the 9th annual "Logan's Heroes" benefit. Logan's Heroes is a benefit held yearly by my brother Brian and sister-in-law Vicki, in honor of their son Logan (my nephew), who was born and passed away in 2005. 

There are many things to appreciate about the event, but one of the things I have cherished year after year, is not just my buddy Gordon coming out to support the cause, but the fact that he never wins anything in the raffles! It might paint me as a bit of an asshole, but it (not so) secretly would make me extremely happy. It had gotten so bad, he would write "Gordon Regan" on his tickets, thinking either the name would bring him luck, or that "the fix was in" and the surname would help alleviate that. Personally, I think it's falsifying a document, and is probably against the law (I have notified the proper authorities).

Gordon, BEFORE a name was called.

Gordon, AFTER a name was called (not his - Streak still intact)

9 years in, I'm sorry to say, the streak has been broken. And mightily! Not only was the name "Gordon Holmes" read aloud. It was read TWICE! And to make matters worse, Gordon's own fiancée would also walk out a winner (I can assure you, NOT because she's his fiancée...but because her name was also called out in the raffle). 

Look how smug he looks, with all his loot!

THREE things! This can't be!

What did I walk away with? Nothing! Zip! NADA! ZERO!!!

I mean, sure I won a set of Flyers beer glasses. However, we gave them to our friend Jimmy who is a huge Flyers fan. NOT because I am a nice guy, but because as my beautiful wife said, "We have no more room in our cabinets."

So off we went, empty handed.

I put my daughter into her car seat and my wife got in our car. Just then I noticed a young couple had parked at the meter in front of us. Since I already gave away my only winning of the night, I was in a kindhearted mood.

"Hey, did you want my meter? I have like another hour on it," I said to the guy.

"Oh, I just paid," he said turning and looking at me.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S BRADLEY COOPER!!!" I thought loudly.

"Oh, man! That's too bad," a pretty woman said as she exited the driver side of the car. 

"It was only about an hour," I consoled her.

"Every little bit helps, right?" she asked through an adorable Russian accent

"Yep," I said. "Also, Limitless was a supremely underrated movie!" I didn't say.

Off they walked to enjoy the nightlife in Bam Margera's town as I got in the car and turned to my wife saying, "That was totally fucking Bradley Cooper, right???" (We curse a lot)

"I don't fucking think so." (I might be paraphrasing what Julie said)

********************************************

So that's the end of the story,

I may or may not have met Bradley Cooper.
I didn't take home any winnings from the raffle.
Gordon finally broke the streak I had hoped would continue forever.
Jimmy got my glass.
I curse a lot.

THE END,,,

...until this story came out today!!!

Bradley Cooper Goes on a Broadway Date with Model Irina Shayk

The picture in People is TOTALLY the girl who was driving in West Chester a couple weeks ago! 

HELL YES! I'M A WINNER!

Did Gordon meet Bradley Cooper and his GF? Nope! 

Just me baby! 

And Julie (who still maintains it wasn't them). 

Clearly she's wrong. 

Because, "Every little bit helps," INDEED! 

WE DID IT!

These days, the internet is a buzz with people fighting over what color a dress is, needing to know the latest on Kim & Kanye, and whether or not the "new" Ghostbusters will sit when they pee.

I'm glad to see that we solved ALL of the other world problems. Congratulations everyone! We did it!

And The Oscar Goes To...Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Recently I have been suffering from a crisis of conscience. In my desire to create, I have become less and less interested in “deconstructing” other people’s work. Meaning, I no longer feel like “talking shit” on McG (among others).  I just no longer enjoy criticizing. So much so, that I have put a temporary distance between myself and the hate platform known as Social Media.

Facebook, the racism “metal detector.” (ß Okay, apparently I don’t mind criticizing Mark Zuckerberg’s work).

I used to LOVE to watch events such as award shows and Tweet pretty much everything that comes to my mind (grammar be damned and spelling errors aplenty). It was like being in a writer’s room with the potential of 1000s of other writers. The thing is, that writer’s room is getting more and more crowded all the time. It seems everyone has decided to add Live Tweeting to their resume in the past couple of years.

After Tweeting the Grammy’s I felt rather empty (fill in “terrible state of music joke” and then make sure to tell the neighborhood kids to get off your lawn). I also realized I wasted almost 4 hours of my life watching something I knew I had predisposed myself to hating, which of course fueled my vitriolic Tweets.

Since the Grammy’s left me feeling so low, I decided to watch the Saturday Night Live 40^th Anniversary broadcast while barely glancing at my phone. I found I enjoyed it because I wasn't hunting and pecking all of the flaws I saw during a 3 and a half hour live event (how could there NOT be a few?)

Then, a couple of days before the Oscars I started to think, “Should I even watch them this year?”

I wasn't nominated for anything (again). So what was the draw for me?

“Don’t you love movies?”

Of course I do. I loved movies SOOOO much, that I wasted tens of thousands of my parent dollars going to film school (I finally work in the field – THANKS Mom & Dad). But what do the Oscars have to do with movies? Wouldn't it make MORE sense to actually go SEE a movie during the Oscars?

So I watched the opening number to the Oscars. I thought it was very nice. Then I decided to turn off the TV and go see a movie.

What to see?

I had seen a lot of the nominated films already throughout the year. I wasn't looking for anything super deep, just something to sit and be entertained. Perhaps a comedy? I looked to see what was playing nearby.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Of course! Why not? I LOVED the first Hot Tub Time Machine. And I equally love Adam Scott. This is a home run, right?

editor’s note:  it wasn't. More like a broken bat single into right field during Spring Training without any runners on base…but hey, it’s in the ball park

Another editor’s note:  I realize the previous editor’s note is in complete conflict to the argument above, however it was written AFTER the rest of the piece…SPOILERS!

  

But alas, this story isn't about HTTM2. It’s about the experience of trying to GET there.

Over the past month, the East Coast is been bombarded at night with subfreezing temperatures. So much so, that the city of Boston has all but put out a hit on a weather predicting rodent who resides in Pennsylvania, and South Carolina has incarcerated one of Disney’s newest and “coolest”characters.

The temperatures during the day, rise high enough to melt the endless barrage of snow that has been piling up, and then freeze all over the roads at night. So my usual 10 minute drive to the movie theater took about 20 minutes, and included as much sliding as pleading with Isaac Newton to keep my car from staying in motion through red lights.

I finally got to the theater and parked.

I had NO idea what kind of crowds the theaters would draw during the Oscars. Would it be like the movies at Christmas in 2014? Everybodypiles into the car to swamp the theaters. Or would it be like the movies at Christmas in 1994? A secret kept by the few who knew how easy it was to get in and out with plenty of arm room.

I walked in to the AMC Theater and a heavier Man in a cardigan, who doesn't look like he passes up a lot of cookies, and a young Woman on a headset were behind the counter. The Woman was having a conversation with someone on the headset. The Man was looking at her as I approached them.

The Man, never taking his eyes off of the Woman said, “Can I help you?”

I waited a beat, wondering, “Is he talking to her or me?” The beat went on too long so I asked, “Excuse me?”

He finally turns his gaze towards me and repeated, this time in a less than sincere tone, “Can I help you?”

“Oh. Yes, I’d like 1 ticket to Hot Tub Time Machine 2, please.”

“Sold out.”

“Really?”

“Yes. In fact everything is sold out.”

“Oh, Wow!” I guess the Oscars has become the new Christmas.

I was very surprised. I thanked them and walked out the door.

Towards the parking lot.

Where my car was parked.

In the amazingly…

unfilled…

parking lot.

Carpooling perhaps?

Something seemed “off.” So I pulled out my phone. I went to Fandango. I typed in the movie and theater. This particular theater (AMC Painters 9 Unit 0598 as listed on my eventual ticket), is one of those new fandangled “Dine-in” theaters. Which means you can pick your actual seat when you purchase your ticket online. So I opened the seating chart and realized the parking lot wasn't the only thing that was empty.

When this Man said “sold out,” was he commenting on ME for NOT watching the Oscars?

I bought my ticket from Fandango and got this message:

So far, the automated computer response had been kinder to me than 2 actual people.

I turned around and went back in the theater. I was in full view of Man and Woman the entire time I stood outside. When I turned around, they must have realized what I had done.

“Oh, we just had a returned ticket.” Said Woman.

“That’s convenient, ‘cause I just bought one.” Said Me.

“They shouldn’t be selling any more tickets! They need to update the system.” Said Man. To Woman. While looking at Me.

Okay…it’s now occurred to me, he might have been a faulty robot who enjoys cardigans and cookies.

They ripped my ticket and I was on my way.

Those are some sexy nails, am I right ladies?

I walked into the theater half expecting it to be packed with patrons having to sit on the floor because of a computer error that continued to sell tickets to a sold out show. Instead, 1 minute before the previews were to begin, I asked the ONLY other person in the theater if he too was told the show was “Sold Out.” He said, “No, but the 7pm was.” Having this info means this guy either came to the 7 and was turned away, or attempted to buy tickets online for the 7pm and had to do the 9pm instead. From this I deducted he also bypassed the purchasing from Man-o-bot and WomanLady.

I took a picture of the empty theater.

Having taken a photo in the theater, I'm sure I'm on an F.B.I. watch list for pirating movies now.

It should be noted that during the previews another couple came in and sat a few rows behind me. I’ll wager a guess that they too bought their tickets from Fandango before coming.

This would be an excellent time to tell you that according to Box Office Mojo, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 made $5,963,324 in its opening weekend. That is NOT a good number. And yet, it could have been higher, had the 100+ seat theater I was sitting in, not been “sold out.”

I don’t tend to complain. I worked in retail for 15 years, and I get that things happen. But the Man’s unprompted rudeness and the Woman’s lie pissed me off. A LOT! MY CRITICIZING BONE HAS BEEN HEALED!!!

Did the woman think I was so dumb that I wouldn't realize there was only one other person in the theater?

I complained. To the writer’s room.

AKA - I used Twitter to contact AMC Theaters:

I also added the photo I posted above. (Hence the F.B.I. watch list)

Then, the next day, they contacted me...or at least Brien did:

And now we wait…

Well that didn't take long. Hmmm…I can’t help but notice there seems to be no apology of any kind in this response. Perhaps they’ll send it with some free movie tickets or a fruit basket…

See I'm reasonable...

Okay. Not THAT reasonable, I guess...

“Bad info.” So they are simply saying, “Sorry you were lied too, asshole. However, that’s our company policy. It’s just most people don’t actually complain. And why the fuck aren’t you at home watching the Oscars? – Brien”

Also, no fruit basket.

I seem pissed...but I still singled out the service from the wait staff as being excellent. 

Will-fucking-do? Pretty casual Brien.

So, no apology.

No offer of free tickets implying, “We’ll do better next time.”

No fruit basket.

Not even a couple cookie crumbs off RobotDick’s over stretched cardigan.

Sunday night, I realized a few things:

1. I should have stayed in and watched the Oscars

2. I won't be going back to that movie theater  

3. I’m a critical mother fucker! (for example, see review of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 above)

Kim Jong Un: The Next Augustus Gloop

Kim Jong UN gets a new haircut and waxes his eyebrows in preparation for his meeting with Willy Wonka. He's looking more and more like Augustus Gloop every day!

The entire Kim family has been known to rule using Pure Imagination.