Want $232,000? Become an Actor (Preferably a Good One)

How long will it take you to make $232,000?

According to MyBudget360.com, taking information gathered from the Census, Social Security Dept, and the Internal Revenue Service, the median wage in the US per person is $26,695.

That is approximately $513.37 per week (I rounded up because you deserve a raise).

That means it would take 452 weeks for you to make $232,000 or just under nine years.

This is all important to keep in mind while you watch the Oscar telecast on Sunday February 28^th.  According to The Hollywood Reporter, every nominee this year is receiving a “gift basket,” which is worth, you guessed it, $232,000.

Now sure, you could become enraged at the idea of these, “all-ready-well-paid-individuals” receiving such an elaborate gift for nothing more than “acting while white," but you’d be wrong...the Directors get them as well.

Maybe we should examine the contents of the basket before judging the recipients so harshly.

*It should be noted that these baskets are NOT actually from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, but instead from a Los Angeles based niche marketing company called Distinctive Assets. Of course they’d want their client’s wares in the hands of the Hollywood elite.

So what are these wares you ask?

How about Vampire Breast Lifts 

I feel like a comma is needed in the phrase “Vampire Breast Lifts”…perhaps 2 or 3.

Of the 25 nominees, 15 of them likely don’t need these, though Eddie Redmayne could have used them “pre nomination.”

(Value: $1,900 which breaks down to $950 a boob)

Haze Dual V3 Vaporizers 

Because receiving this gift basket didn’t make you a big enough of a douche bag.

(Value $249.99)

My M&M’s Personalized Chocolate Candies

After all, those little heart candies taste like a piece of caulk’s asshole.

(Value $300)

A Year Supply of Fully-Loaded Audi A4 Rentals From Silvercar

If DiCaprio loses (again), maybe he can test the waters of Uber driving.

(Value: $45,000)

Walking Tour of Japan For Up To 15 days

 (Value $54,000)

10 Day All Expenses Paid Trip To Israel

This includes (but likely is not limited to) 

• first class airfare
• five-star hotel accommodations
• private security escort. 

That last perk is sweet, usually security is BYO. 

(Value $55,000)

3-Day Stay At Golden Door Resort & Spa in San Marcos, CA

3 days only? I guess you have to find somewhere else to go at night...maybe Italy.

(Value $4,800)

3-Night Stay At The Grand Hotel Excesior Vittoria in Sorrento, Italy 

Occupant must provide their own security...presumably. But at least you get to stay here at night.

(Value $5,000)

3-Night Stay At The Grand Hotel Tremezzo in Lake Como

Oh, a pool!

(Value $5,000)

Jesus, that's a lot of places. Let’s just put a picture of the earth from the International Space Station.

 (Value of this view = Priceless)

*The Space Station isn’t a vacation destination this year, but hey…maybe next year (the DiCaprio mantra)

Lifetime Supply of Lizora All-In-One Pu-erh Tea Inspired Skin Nourishment

Not sure how they determined the value of this one. I mean, Saoirse Ronan is a mere 21 years old while Sly Stallone is like 142. While I agree his skin is in desperate need of this nourishment, he could only possibly live another 20 or 30 years. Ronan is likely to go another 150 based on my math.

(Value $31,200)

Caolion Pore Care Sets and Dr. Jane 360’s Proprietary Healing Saint Hair Follicle Stimulant and Halo (*That's a lot of words!)

I don’t have a fucking clue what this is, but when I Googled it a picture of David Bowie came up, so we’ll assume they’re his ashes.

(Value $134)

Purely For Pets’ Charity Opportunity To Provide 10,000 Meal Donations (made in a nominees name to an animal shelter or rescue of their choice).

You pick the charity, but you don’t get to pick the meal. Personally, I’m pulling for spaghetti.

(Value $6,300)

Personal Training Sessions With Celebrity Trainer Alexis Seletzky

Presumably one of the two people pictured below. Not sure what he/she trains you to do. I hope magic!

(Value $900)

Belldini Women’s Apparel

Because no one knows fashion like Roberto Benigni.

Oh it's Belldini? Whatever.

(Value $300+ you had me at “+” - Life really Is Beautiful)

Chocolatines’ Drunken Fig Cake Bites.

This is the “I forgot to buy you something for Christmas and the only things that was opened was the gas station by the Hooters” gift.

(Value $35)

Dandi Patch Underarm Sweat Patch

1.       Buy deodorant

2.       This looks a bit too much like the Rosetta Stone packaging

3.       If by using this you learn to speak another language from the info seeping into your skin, you should charge more than $21 for it!

(Value $21)

Delovery Personalized Luxury Gift Baskets

THERE’s A GIFT BASKET IN YOUR GIFT BASKET? Are these like Russian Nesting Dolls?

(Value $2,000)

Farm Wife Style Druzy Earrings

Subtle. Not to flashy. You don’t want to take away from the focus of your Vampire Boobs.

(Value $25)

The Ultimate Fitness Package From Fit Club TV: Live in Fitness VIP Retreat + Fit Culture Fuel Performance

WHOA! The “ultimate” fitness package? Then what the fuck do I need Alexis Seletzky for? He better be teaching me magic!
The first rule about Fit Club, do NOT talk about Fit Club (or how expensive it is!)

(Value $6,250)

Supplements + Fit Culture Threads Designer Workout Apparel

So you’re saying drugs and crazy clothes? Is this a trip to the 80s?

(Value = It’s the 80s. It’s only valuable to those who didn’t live through it)

Gleener On The Go Smart Fabric Care Solutions

Oh sweet. A gift for “the Help.”

(Value $11.99) 

Greenhill Winery & Vineyards Blanc de Blancs

Wine connoisseurs agree, it’s the perfect wine with personalized M&M’s.

(Value $39)

Harriet’s Cheesecakes

I found this on the Hollywood Reporter list, but NOT on the Town & Country list, leading me to believe it’s actually someone named Harriet’s cheesecake. You stole Batman’s Aunt Harriet’s cheesecake!

(Value = it was VERY valuable to Harriet you prick) 

Hydroxycut Gummies

As if the Hollywood elite need diet supplements. They all have eating disorders!

(Value $19.88)

Full Kitchen Sweep and Workout Program with Fitness Expert Jay Cardiello

WAIT! Jay Cardiello is going to come to my house and make my junk food disappear? Fuck Alexis Seletzky, Jay Cardiello is REAL magic!

(Value $1,400)

AND HE CAN FUCKING FLY!

Joseph’s Toiletries "The Welcomer" Gift Box

Various outlets report this is toilet paper. Which means this should be “The Fareweller” Gift Box.

(Value $270) 

Lat & Lo Customized Sterling Silver Necklaces

They even customize the latitude and longitude for you. Might I suggest 13.9500 S, 33.7000 E. No it’s not your Lexus Dealer’s vacation home to silly goose, it’s the country of Malawi. Considered to be the poorest country in the world with a GDP per capita of $226.50, which is slightly less than the toilet paper in this basket.

(Value $150)

Memobottle Slim Reusable Water Bottles

Thin bottles for your diet water. AND they’re reusable, which is pointless seeing as you wouldn’t wipe your ass with anything under $270.

(Value $47)

Mezcal el Silencio

They come in black and white, unlike this years nominees.

(Value $75.00)

Mission1 Clean Protein Bars

This one actually fell in the basket accidentally. It was what the Chinese slave laborer was eating while filling the gift basket. Yours now!

(Value $5.64)

Nuelle Fiera Arouser For Her

Looks like a new high-tech mouse. I guess a guy could use it, but it’s marketed to women, so ladies, go ahead and click your mouse.

(Value $250)

Phantom Glass iPhone Screen Protector

“But I have an Android!” Exclaimed perennial Oscar loser Leonardo DiCaprio.

(Value $49.95-$59.95)

Purely Inspired Organic Protein

Did anyone else assume “organic protein” was semen? And “purely inspired” means with straight from the memory banks, no P.A. (“porn assistance”). Christ, even the ad looks like the guy just jerked off.

(Value $19.97)

Rouge Maple Gourmet Fine Foods

This is the gift your whole office went in on this Christmas for your boss. The one you gave $20 towards and thought, “What’s Rouge Maple Gourmet Fine Foods?”

(Value $99)

Sedona Lace Synthetic Vortex Brush Set

These brushes are some of the finest brushes money can’t buy (because they are being given to you). Also, trade secret, each brush head is a different hair style as worn by Lady Gaga over the years at The Grammy’s.

(Value $109.95)

Ultra Premium Signature Vodka

Booze. I recommend it during the Costume Designer’s acceptance speech.

(Value $70)

Slimware Portion-Control Plates

Look, we’re all getting concerned Bryan Cranston. It’s called portion control. Seconds and Thirds aren’t necessary. Totally kidding. Heisenberg can have the whole goddamn buffet!

(Value $29.95)

Steamist Total Sense Home Spa Collection

No idea. I assume it’s a shower.

(Value $5,060)

SunDial Powder Coating

This is potentially the strange of all items in the lot. I guess you can have things painted? They should have added a $20 off coupon for you next gutter cleaning (print out this blog and use it the one attached)

(Value $500 or $20 depending on which one we’re referring to)

Tools by Gina Pure Infrared Professional Hair Styling Tools (Blow Dryers & Flatirons)

For all your Barbershop needs, By Gina…I mean BYE GINA!

(Value $250)

A Concierge Tribute

This one is disputed by various sources. Some have called it a “Tribute Video,” which might be all of the Hunger Games DVDs signed by Jennifer Lawrence (at least 1 nominee doesn’t need them)

(Value $125)

Zekkle Edge Metal Front Pocket Wallet

A wallet, just in case we over stuffed your previous one.

(Value $125)

740 Park MD Ultherapy

So…plastic surgery. Old school.

(Value $5,530)

So just remember, it doesn’t matter who takes home the trophy, everybody is a winner! Except for black people, who were not nominated.

I thank THR for the list of the items in the basket, Town & Country for the value amounts, and Google images for all the photos of this expensive crap.

And The Oscar Goes To...Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Recently I have been suffering from a crisis of conscience. In my desire to create, I have become less and less interested in “deconstructing” other people’s work. Meaning, I no longer feel like “talking shit” on McG (among others).  I just no longer enjoy criticizing. So much so, that I have put a temporary distance between myself and the hate platform known as Social Media.

Facebook, the racism “metal detector.” (ß Okay, apparently I don’t mind criticizing Mark Zuckerberg’s work).

I used to LOVE to watch events such as award shows and Tweet pretty much everything that comes to my mind (grammar be damned and spelling errors aplenty). It was like being in a writer’s room with the potential of 1000s of other writers. The thing is, that writer’s room is getting more and more crowded all the time. It seems everyone has decided to add Live Tweeting to their resume in the past couple of years.

After Tweeting the Grammy’s I felt rather empty (fill in “terrible state of music joke” and then make sure to tell the neighborhood kids to get off your lawn). I also realized I wasted almost 4 hours of my life watching something I knew I had predisposed myself to hating, which of course fueled my vitriolic Tweets.

Since the Grammy’s left me feeling so low, I decided to watch the Saturday Night Live 40^th Anniversary broadcast while barely glancing at my phone. I found I enjoyed it because I wasn't hunting and pecking all of the flaws I saw during a 3 and a half hour live event (how could there NOT be a few?)

Then, a couple of days before the Oscars I started to think, “Should I even watch them this year?”

I wasn't nominated for anything (again). So what was the draw for me?

“Don’t you love movies?”

Of course I do. I loved movies SOOOO much, that I wasted tens of thousands of my parent dollars going to film school (I finally work in the field – THANKS Mom & Dad). But what do the Oscars have to do with movies? Wouldn't it make MORE sense to actually go SEE a movie during the Oscars?

So I watched the opening number to the Oscars. I thought it was very nice. Then I decided to turn off the TV and go see a movie.

What to see?

I had seen a lot of the nominated films already throughout the year. I wasn't looking for anything super deep, just something to sit and be entertained. Perhaps a comedy? I looked to see what was playing nearby.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Of course! Why not? I LOVED the first Hot Tub Time Machine. And I equally love Adam Scott. This is a home run, right?

editor’s note:  it wasn't. More like a broken bat single into right field during Spring Training without any runners on base…but hey, it’s in the ball park

Another editor’s note:  I realize the previous editor’s note is in complete conflict to the argument above, however it was written AFTER the rest of the piece…SPOILERS!

  

But alas, this story isn't about HTTM2. It’s about the experience of trying to GET there.

Over the past month, the East Coast is been bombarded at night with subfreezing temperatures. So much so, that the city of Boston has all but put out a hit on a weather predicting rodent who resides in Pennsylvania, and South Carolina has incarcerated one of Disney’s newest and “coolest”characters.

The temperatures during the day, rise high enough to melt the endless barrage of snow that has been piling up, and then freeze all over the roads at night. So my usual 10 minute drive to the movie theater took about 20 minutes, and included as much sliding as pleading with Isaac Newton to keep my car from staying in motion through red lights.

I finally got to the theater and parked.

I had NO idea what kind of crowds the theaters would draw during the Oscars. Would it be like the movies at Christmas in 2014? Everybodypiles into the car to swamp the theaters. Or would it be like the movies at Christmas in 1994? A secret kept by the few who knew how easy it was to get in and out with plenty of arm room.

I walked in to the AMC Theater and a heavier Man in a cardigan, who doesn't look like he passes up a lot of cookies, and a young Woman on a headset were behind the counter. The Woman was having a conversation with someone on the headset. The Man was looking at her as I approached them.

The Man, never taking his eyes off of the Woman said, “Can I help you?”

I waited a beat, wondering, “Is he talking to her or me?” The beat went on too long so I asked, “Excuse me?”

He finally turns his gaze towards me and repeated, this time in a less than sincere tone, “Can I help you?”

“Oh. Yes, I’d like 1 ticket to Hot Tub Time Machine 2, please.”

“Sold out.”

“Really?”

“Yes. In fact everything is sold out.”

“Oh, Wow!” I guess the Oscars has become the new Christmas.

I was very surprised. I thanked them and walked out the door.

Towards the parking lot.

Where my car was parked.

In the amazingly…

unfilled…

parking lot.

Carpooling perhaps?

Something seemed “off.” So I pulled out my phone. I went to Fandango. I typed in the movie and theater. This particular theater (AMC Painters 9 Unit 0598 as listed on my eventual ticket), is one of those new fandangled “Dine-in” theaters. Which means you can pick your actual seat when you purchase your ticket online. So I opened the seating chart and realized the parking lot wasn't the only thing that was empty.

When this Man said “sold out,” was he commenting on ME for NOT watching the Oscars?

I bought my ticket from Fandango and got this message:

So far, the automated computer response had been kinder to me than 2 actual people.

I turned around and went back in the theater. I was in full view of Man and Woman the entire time I stood outside. When I turned around, they must have realized what I had done.

“Oh, we just had a returned ticket.” Said Woman.

“That’s convenient, ‘cause I just bought one.” Said Me.

“They shouldn’t be selling any more tickets! They need to update the system.” Said Man. To Woman. While looking at Me.

Okay…it’s now occurred to me, he might have been a faulty robot who enjoys cardigans and cookies.

They ripped my ticket and I was on my way.

Those are some sexy nails, am I right ladies?

I walked into the theater half expecting it to be packed with patrons having to sit on the floor because of a computer error that continued to sell tickets to a sold out show. Instead, 1 minute before the previews were to begin, I asked the ONLY other person in the theater if he too was told the show was “Sold Out.” He said, “No, but the 7pm was.” Having this info means this guy either came to the 7 and was turned away, or attempted to buy tickets online for the 7pm and had to do the 9pm instead. From this I deducted he also bypassed the purchasing from Man-o-bot and WomanLady.

I took a picture of the empty theater.

Having taken a photo in the theater, I'm sure I'm on an F.B.I. watch list for pirating movies now.

It should be noted that during the previews another couple came in and sat a few rows behind me. I’ll wager a guess that they too bought their tickets from Fandango before coming.

This would be an excellent time to tell you that according to Box Office Mojo, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 made $5,963,324 in its opening weekend. That is NOT a good number. And yet, it could have been higher, had the 100+ seat theater I was sitting in, not been “sold out.”

I don’t tend to complain. I worked in retail for 15 years, and I get that things happen. But the Man’s unprompted rudeness and the Woman’s lie pissed me off. A LOT! MY CRITICIZING BONE HAS BEEN HEALED!!!

Did the woman think I was so dumb that I wouldn't realize there was only one other person in the theater?

I complained. To the writer’s room.

AKA - I used Twitter to contact AMC Theaters:

I also added the photo I posted above. (Hence the F.B.I. watch list)

Then, the next day, they contacted me...or at least Brien did:

And now we wait…

Well that didn't take long. Hmmm…I can’t help but notice there seems to be no apology of any kind in this response. Perhaps they’ll send it with some free movie tickets or a fruit basket…

See I'm reasonable...

Okay. Not THAT reasonable, I guess...

“Bad info.” So they are simply saying, “Sorry you were lied too, asshole. However, that’s our company policy. It’s just most people don’t actually complain. And why the fuck aren’t you at home watching the Oscars? – Brien”

Also, no fruit basket.

I seem pissed...but I still singled out the service from the wait staff as being excellent. 

Will-fucking-do? Pretty casual Brien.

So, no apology.

No offer of free tickets implying, “We’ll do better next time.”

No fruit basket.

Not even a couple cookie crumbs off RobotDick’s over stretched cardigan.

Sunday night, I realized a few things:

1. I should have stayed in and watched the Oscars

2. I won't be going back to that movie theater  

3. I’m a critical mother fucker! (for example, see review of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 above)