THE ADVICE PANEL

The Advice Panel is here!

"The Advice Panel. You have problems? We have advice. Some of which, might even be useful."

Don Montrey and I, with the help of SOOOOO many others, have been working on a podcast/Live Show for...over a year now (WOW is that even possible?) Actually, when I do a search of my emails, the first time we discussed it was on Oct 11, 2012.  

After ALL that time, we are finally having our first show! Okay...it's our second show. Matt Nelson & Maggy Keegan were kind enough to let us put it up at Figment Theater back on May 9th.

Don is the host. With guests:  

The show is loosely based on the CSz game "Advice Panel." Based in that it's call the ADVICE PANEL, loosely because that's about the end of it. These characters run much deeper than the 4 minute game, bringing this show's running time to approx 45 minutes. 

And as if this wasn't enough, the theme song was written & performed by Hot Breakfast! Delaware's premier acoustic dork-rock power duo. 

The shows are record for a future Podcast.

So, hit us up with for any advice you need:

email: Kevin@ComedySportzPhilly.com

tweet: CSzPhilly #advice

SHOWs (hosted by Don Montrey):

Thursday June 12 at 9:30pm - Jim Burns, Mark Leopold & Joe Sabatino 

Friday June 13 at 9:30pm - Langston Darby, Dave Jadico & Kelly Jennings 

Doors open at 9:00pm at The Playground @ The Adrienne - 2030 Sansom St, Philadelphia PA

#CSz30

The Shirt - Never Forget

"I'm as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth."

This quote is credited to Jonathan Swift, who we all know, was also into eating babies. I always attribute this quote to the film Miracle on 34th Street. Edmung Gwenn (who I swear is the REAL Santa Claus) writes this as his answer to the question, "how old are you?" on that dickhole, Mr. Sawyer's psychiatric evaluation. 

Dickhole.

That line has ALWAYS taken me out of the movie. Upon hearing (or seeing) it, I start to over analyze it's true meaning. "How soon does the tongue develop within the embryonic state?" I pondered as a small child...probably in slightly difference language. As an adult, I can simply Google it to find the tongue starts to develop at week 4 according to Indiana University. 

CLICK to learn more than you want to know about the tongue.

This is quite the blow to Pro-lifers, to find that even Santa Claus doesn't recognize life's beginning at conception.

Must be a "mall Santa."

As for the bit about the teeth, a recent post by CollegeHumor.com (among others), reveals a photo showing that the teeth form much earlier than we had once believed.

CLICK if you don't plan to sleep tonight.

Today is June 5, 2014. More importantly, Thursday. Meaning that it's #tbt or "Throw Back Thursday" on all of the popular social networks. AKA "Show us a picture of you from when you were younger."

"Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' Where'd you get that camera man?"

-Mitch Hedberg

Every week, my aunt Patti seems to comb through her vast amount of photos to find that perfect family portrait to embarrass us all. Today was no exception. 

The Cousins

I am in the back row, 4 from the right. My arms are folded in a slightly "stand offish" manner, but I'm smiling, so there's no need to read too much into my body language. The photo is from June 2, 2001. That's 13 years ago this past Tuesday. 

Other interesting facts about the photo and it's participants:  

• not one person in that photo was married when it was taken. 
• This was my engagement party. 
• Today, 8 of the 14 people in the photo are married, with another one getting married at the end of this month. 
• 7 children have been born to this group, with another one on the way in September. Meaning, if we were to recreate this photo today, Patti would need a wide angle lens. 
• Two cousins now live on the west coast, one in Chicago and one in a foreign country referred to as, "The Glistening City."

As I look at this photo, I think of how many things have change in 13 years...I also think of the one thing that hasn't.

This morning, as I opened Facebook, I was met with this "blast from the past."

Not this Blast From The Past

It took me all of 5 seconds to notice something odd. Not the fact that I actually had hair (though I did notice that too). Not the fact that I was smiling (I don't tend to smile in old photos, because I always say my mouth goes "out" not "up." And not the fact that some people are looking in a different direction (meaning there is probably another version of this photo out there)...but rather the fact that today I am wearing the same shirt I wore in this photo over 13 years ago.

Notice the smile?

Seriously! My shirt is vintage! It's older than ALL of our marriages. ALL of our children. ALL of the hopes and dreams, which which eventually took family members to various parts of the globe...or at least the continent. 

It's older than 9/11! Meaning I could have worn this shirt on a plane, taking shaving cream AND a straight razor aboard to "gussy" myself up before landing. Which I assume my brother Brian did right before this photo was taken to get that sweet, pre-Robert Downey, Jr., Tony Stark look. That's right, the shirt also predates RDJ's drug rehab (which was July 2001).

They say, every 7 years, you reproduce every one of your body's cells and completely changed your body chemistry, becoming almost a whole new person. I guess that doesn't include wardrobe.

Rich People Conversations

According to this week's Sports Illustrated, baseball cheater and all-around douchebag Ryan Braun has revealed that when fellow Brewer Carlos Gomez signed a $24 million contract in 2013, he Googled "Rich People Conversations." He wanted to know what to "talk to wealthy people about." 

Makes sense (or a SHITLOAD of cents) 

Braun, who is tight lipped about his own transactions, seems to revel in revealing Gomez's. Braun's douchebaggery aside, this is kind of a cute and charming story. No word yet on what kind of topics now haunt Gomez's browsing history. Though a quick look at Yahoo Answers on the same question yields the following gems:

(All spelling errors and grammar issues are consistent, for posterity and so we can make fun of them! Full disclosure, these answers are all 6 years old. Which means people stopped asking in 2008 when the economy completely fell apart.) 

Question: "What do wealthy people talk about?" 

Skoobysnaks1999 says:  

"want some blow?" 

Source: Rich person for all of my 26 years. 

OK. If you're 26 and a "rich person all of my" life, you aren't a good barometer. First of all, YOU'RE 26! No one wants to have a conversation with you, unless you're Jennifer Lawrence (who is in fact only 23, though undoubtedly rich). Second, I think if you are in fact rich, it's "family money" and thus, not earned. Sure you could have had a dotcom at 26 that granted you great wealth, but I'd imagine any computer wiz is going to have a better handle than skoobysnaks1999. I'd expect them to AT LEAST be skoobysnaks1. 

This was the highest voted answer though. Which means we poor people still assume ALL rich people are Tony Montana from Scarface.

Tonya W says: 

"Excuse me sir or madam, Do you have and Grey Poupon?"

This old chestnut. If it's not the copious amounts of cocaine piled on the kitchen table used to measure wealth, it's surely the type of condiment sitting in one's refrigerator. That sums up everything we learned about the rich in the 1980s when Ted DiBiase was the richest man in the entire world (wrestling federation). 

If I never hear another Grey Poupon joke, I'd be OK with that. 

firenice says: 

"...people of means and breeding do not have drug parties for the most part. Sounds like you do not really know these people. Start slow, don't feel like you need to be entertaining, just polite. Complement the hostess on the home and event, always introduce yourself and what association you have there. The four golden rules for this type of thing are to keep conversation light and up beat, try to limit getting into discussions on religion, politics, and money. That with watching ones language will get you through just about any social gathering. Have fun!"  

"Means and breeding?" Are they horses? 

"...do not have drug parties for the most part." Way to tack that "get out of jail free" clause on there at the end. Clearly a well researched answer. I assume that these wealthy people aren't all hanging out doing blow, but just in case... 

The four golden rules are apparently: 

• 1. Keep conversation light and up beat - ("How about that local sports franchise that may or may not being performing up to fans expectations this season?") 
• 2. Try to limit getting into discussions on religion, politics, and money - ("Oh! You own said team that is not returning much on your initial investment? Fuck, that's about money." 
• 3. Watch your language ("Fuck! I already said 'fuck'") 
• 4. Have fun! ("Well, I'm just going to have some of those cocktail wienies...do you have any Grey...er, mustard?")  

Central N.Y. Guy writes a 1 act play: 

"Excuse me biff but can you pass the caviar ?. Why certainly Edward.... This is a lovely outing wouldn't you say so Edward ?.. Oh yes indeed If I do say myself ole Chap.. So tell me biff how is your portfolio ? .. Well Edward I sold off a few shares.... etc...." 

Allow me to put into the correct format:

EDWARD 
Excuse me, Biff, but can you pass the caviar?

BIFF 
Why certainly, Edward. 
(beat) 
This is a lovely outing. Wouldn't you say so, Edward?

EDWARD 
Oh yes indeed, if I do say myself, ole Chap. 
(beat) 
So tell me, Biff, how is your portfolio?

BIFF 
Well, Edward, I sold off a few shares.

(VAMP) 

WOW! It's like Mamet and shit! 

I will admit, I'd need to consult with the dramaturge on much of this play. Edward's first line ends with a question mark. He appears to be "questioning" the caviar itself. Perhaps it's not up to his refined palate's standards or it's actually cocaine, and he's speaking in code. Pretty heady stuff. 

Also, is Biff the help or a fellow rich person? I'm sure subsequent scenes would reveal this answer. He does refer to Edward by his first name (often) so it is unlikely he is anything but a peer. Perhaps he's "new money," which he has spread out wisely in his "portfolio." Maybe Biff is a day trader, and this is simply a hobby he dabbles in when not hostilely taking over corporations. WAIT! Is this scene from Wall Street 2, ole chap? 

Which one do you think is Biff?



Nancy Jayne says: 

"the women like to talk about eachothers shortcomings, thier own cheritable works, fashion and how they spend money 
men like to talk about business conquests, eachothers shortcomings and how thier women spend thier money." 

Does "Thier" refer to Samuel O. Thier, professor of Medicine and Health Care Policy at Harvard University? He does do a lot of "cheritable" work, which I believe is work he does on removing wings from cherubim and seraphim angels. According to Nancy Jayne, he also has a harem who likes to spend his money.  

wonderer says: 

"The ones i have attended was more like a competion bragging about their toys for the men and the women are more the gossip talk about others or planning some social event for later while they are competing also on who looks the best and telling each other how lovely they look ...and for most part there is a ton of drinking and some drugs the ones i have attended were usually surgeons , car dealership owners , bank owners, attorneys and a mingle of club friends along with golf teams." 

If you make it through this monumental run on sentence, you may find yourself asking the same question I had: "What the fuck is a golf team?"  

hello also writes a play: 

"so How's the businnes going? Oh you know just great. I made like a zillion dollars today. Isn't it fun to not pay any taxes and not get caught. Oh yea." 

(format corrected): 

Person #1: 
So, how's the business going?

Person #2 
 Oh, you know. Just great.
I made like a zillion dollars today. 

Person #1 
Isn't it fun to not pay any taxes and not get caught?

Person #2 
Oh yea! 

Not nearly as good a play as Central N.Y. Guy's. Obviously, more details are needed here. That said, I am fairly certain Person #2 is the Kool-Aide Guy. Perhaps it's the Hawaiian Punch guy and the Kool-Aide Guy getting together at a beverage mogul party. 

Wanna guess who else is there? Coke.

The Many Faces Of A Prince

Us Weekly, the bastion of quality reporting through out the land, recently came under fire when they altered a photo of the boy Prince, 9 month old Prince George. 

The whole story on PAGE SIX

A spokes person for the magazine (I know, there are still magazines, can you believe it?!?) stated:

“The original image used for the Prince George cover was dark and bluish in tone and needed to be given an overall color shift for printing purposes. By no means did we go in and alter the color of his eyes or cheeks in this process.”

Why not? I say go to fucking town! So, here are 15 photos of what US Weekly could have done to the boy Royal of "Boyal" (Trademarked)

1.

Boy George as K.D. Lang. "Constant Craving" a binky.

2.

A. Raggedy Anne

B. Raggedy Andy

C. Raggedy Conan O'Brien

3.

A bouncer at a lesbian bar in Philly called "Sisters." 

I once used the bathroom there. 

4.

Lon Chaney Jr. AKA The Wolfman, jack! Not to be confused with Wolfman Jack...who also kind of looked like this.

5.

Rod Blagojevich. US royalty. Note the stripes ala a prison jumpsuit.

6.

A High School Football coach. "We're going all to States this year boys!"

7. 

The Heat Miser.

 "I'm mister Heat Miser, I'm mister warm...ba-da-da-da"

8.

Balthazar Getty...er, wait, maybe this one was K.D. Lang. 

Oh well. 

It doesn't really matter.

9. 

Cesar Romaro.

That guy couldn't be bothered to shave the mustache to play the Joker. Fuck man, Ledger actually died that's how dedicated he was.

10.

 Elton John. I know. It's a wig. But come on, the guy wrote Tiny Dancer. Cut him a break.

11.

Either the dude who works on my car or one time WWF Superstar, the Honkey Tonk Man (in 2014). Possibly the same person...

12.

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford.

Yeah he's a crack addict, but he's fucking adorable!

13.

A Tennis Ball.

14.

Bieber. Fuck him.

15.

Lil' Glenn Danzig.

We Are 138, motherfuckers!

Top 10 Jobs of 2014 (with a 1940s Twist)

Are you happy in your current job? I actually am, thanks for asking. But so many people are not. Does a bad job change you as a person? Can it make you someone you don't want to be? I know that feeling. I think most people do. 

Though we are only about a little more than a third of the way through 2014, UsNews.com put out a list of the top 10 jobs of 2014. What does that mean exactly? I have no fucking clue, because I didn't read the article. But I looked at the list of jobs. It made me think, would those jobs make me a better person? Or perhaps, would they make a terrible person less...well, terrible?

So I used the most comprehensive science I had at my disposal, Google Images. I typed in the job title and the word "Hitler," and these are the photos I came up with.

1. Software Developer Hitler. 

He doesn't look happier. In fact he looks like he's having a rough time developing an app to make world domination easier. Of course it's $1.00 at the apple store, so fuck that! I"ll wait for the free version. 


2. Computer Systems Analyst Hitler. 

A lot of late nights. Which will likely lead to consumption of copious amounts of fast food, resulting in heart disease and eventually an early death. We did it guys! We killed Hitler! Barry Hitler in the I.T. Dept, but either way that's another parking spot closer to the building! 

*Side note: FG Game is going to be pissed when he hears Hitler uses his desk during "non office hours."


3. Dentist Hitler. 

That's Hugo Blaschke, Hitler's actual dentist. Does he look happy? I guess all dentists are miserable. Also, did Hitler go to this guy because they had the same mustache? That's more than a little creepy.


4. Nurse Practitioner Hitler. 

You gotta love Pinterest. You know Nurse Hitler has an absolutely terrible bedside manner. She yanks band-aids off without a warning and if you think you're getting a lollipop just because you got a needle, you're in for a shock buddy!


5. Pharmacist Hitler. 

Jesus! Isn't Rite-Aid ALWAYS under construction?


6. Registered Nurse Hitler. 

Wait! How is this different than Nurse Practitioner Hitler? By the way Erna Flegel pictured here, was a nurse in Germany in 1943. According to Wikipedia, she was a nurse to Hitler's Entourage. 
Which makes me wonder, it I were to cast Hitler's Entourage, who would play the part of Turtle? Goebbels, right?


7. Physical Therapist Hitler. 

"I can't bend my leg any further, Hitler!" Who hasn't had that thought while going through rehab?


8. Physician Hitler. 

"Yeah he's an abomination of a human being, but he's got late office hours so it's convenient."


9. Web Developer Hitler. 

So far NONE of these jobs sounds fun, but this might be the best picture on the internet!


10. Dental Hygienist Hitler. 

Fuck! Seriously? Maybe I should have googled "Top 10 Fun Jobs."
"Is it safe?"

Paul Simon, You Lazy Bastard or 50 ACTUAL Ways To Leave Your Lover

In 1975, Paul Simon released the album "Still Crazy After All These Years." That also happens to be the same year, I was "released." Thanks Mom!

Simon's only #1 song as a solo act, "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" was on this album. Wikipedia describes the song as, "a mistress's humorous advice to a husband on ways to end a relationship."" The description is kind of accurate, but the song itself is completely misleading. First of all, the song doesn't really give you ways to leave your lover. "Slip out the back, Jack" doesn't really give you a plan to "end your relationship," but rather directions on how to leave once you do. 

"Hop on the bus, Gus," is about as useful as saying, "Walk on your feet, Pete."
"Make a new plan, Stan." I'M TRYING DICKHEAD! You're supposed to be telling me what that plan is! 

Even if we all agree that these are in fact "ways" in which one can relinquish them self from their lover, any mathematician will tell you, it falls far short of 50. Here are 50 "Simonesque" Ways To Leave Your Lover: 

1. "Commit suicide, Clyde."
-I won't go into EVERY WHICH WAY (get it? Clyde) that one could kill themself, but this is a surefire way to definitively get out of any relationship. 

2. "Smack a poisonous snake, Jake."
-This isn't code for jacking off, but rather finding a venomous snake and kicking it with your boots, Coots.  Ala Jaime Coots, the Kentucky pastor who starred on the TV show "Snake Salvation," until a snake cut his life AND marriage short. 

3. "Use a gun, hon." Like Kurt Cobain did back in 1994. What's that?!? They reopened the case after four rolls of previously undeveloped film was found? 

4. "Don't forget to wear a glove, LOVE!" I knew Courtney did it!!! What's that?!? The case was merely reexamined and NOT reopened? 

5. "Courtney got away, Faye." Fuck. 

6. "Don't come back from a fire drill, Wil." Also a good way to quit your job. 

7. "Give him Gonorrhea, Mia." They'll leave YOU after they find out that you're a "penicillin villain." They'd also be reminded of you, every time they pee for the rest of their life. 

8. "Go ahead and crash her car, Jafar." People get pissed when you crash their cars. Especially when you do it deliberately as proven by all the Vines you post. 

9. "Bang their best friend, Sven." Again. Vine posts really sell this one. 

10. "While she sleeps shave her head, Ned." You could also take those clippers and even out your sideburns, friend. 

11. "Get a Tattoo, Stu." Not ANY tattoo. But a real shitty one. Like "I'm a Belieber!" 

12. "Move to Guam, Tom." Lots of mosquitos. That's a deal breaker. 

13. "Sell her favorite Llama, Obama." This is very specific, and only works on a select few. Obviously. 

14. "Fly away on a plane, Dwayne." OK. Seems most of these are killing of Kurt Cobain and dolling out of Gonorrhea are plans for dudes. What about the ladies? 

15. "Fly away on a plane, Jane." Make sure it's not the same plane as Dwayne, or you're liable to have a "Pina Colada" moment. 

16. "Spike his Pina Colada, Ramada." If there's a chick named Paris Hilton, there's can surely be a female named Ramada. 

17. "Fake your own death, Beth." BONUS, you can also cash in on your life insurance. 

18. "Forbid him to masturbate, Kate." He'll leave. Trust me. 

19. "Get in a boat and row, Flo." If he gets on with you... 

20. "...Throw him overboard like ballast, Alice." (Hope you can swim, Jim!) 

21. "Tell him the only thing you'll blow is a harmonica, Veronica." He's gone. (see #18) 

22. "Use the secret of Nimh, Kim" Or let the Fitzgibbon's cat kill him. 

23. "Take all his valuables to pawn, Dawn." 

24. "Slap a cop and go to jail, Gail." 

25. "Spoil the end of his book, Brooke." Tyrion kills EVERYBODY!

26. "Delete his DVR'd "Walking Dead," Winifred." 

27. "Enlist in the Navy, Davy." Non Sibi Sed Patrise! (I looked it up) 

28. "Never give her a diamond, Simon." She'll leave after like 50 or 60 years. 

29. "Do it under the cover of dark, Mark." Like at night or during an eclipse. 

30. "Punch her old man, Dan." You know you wanna! 

31. "Sleep with Boys II Men, Jen." This probably isn't a deal breaker.

32. "Jump out of a cake, Lake." I assume this means naked out of another guys cake. Or he's diabetic and you're trying to kill him. Either way, if Lake Bell jumps out of a cake, I'm fucking staying! 

Man. This is harder than I thought. No wonder Paul Simon only did like four of them... 

33. "Leave on a sled, Jed." Of course it's Spring now, so this one is less likely to happen

34. "Try a skateboard, Lourde." Madonna's kid?

35. "Hitch with your thumb, Eve Plumb." Again, rather specific.

36. "Go up in a balloon, June." June & Jane are so similar. They also both left in flight.

37. "Surf off on a wave, Dave." I just stared off into space thinking of this for about 20 minutes. Did I mention it's finally Spring?

38. "Cover yourself with dirt, Kurt." This plays into #3-5. I suppose the suggestion is again suicide or faking your death...or becoming a David Blaine like magician. 

39. "Pull a rabbit out of your hat, Pat." Women don't like magic. Only children and the slightly deranged. 

40. "Poison his pizza, Lisa." Don't do this Lisa. Pizza should be revered. 

41. "Root against the home team, Karim." FUCK YOU and your Yankees hat! I don't care that your Dad grew up in New York. 

42. "Cut off his pair, Claire." This could mean ears, I suppose... 

43. "Punch her left tit, Mitt." This is pretty much what I remember Mitt running on. 

44. "Cover her with pee, Mr. T." AKA "Cover her belly, R. Kelly." 

45. "Demand equal pay, Mae." This shouldn't ruin a relationship, though some assholes think it would ruin a country. 

46. "Enroll in some night classes, then transfer to an accredited college, neglect fun by studying night and day, graduate at the head of your class and land an internship for no pay and very little gratitude, but meet someone who sees something in you and takes you under their wing - showing you the ins and outs and eventually recommends you for a low level job at NASA, where you work your way up through the ranks and then enter the flight program which, after years of more hard work, sends you to Space, Chase." Or just punch her in the tit like previously suggested. 

47. "Start dressing like a princess Leia slave, Dave." Or maybe she's into that... 

48. "Try her clothes on, Don." See above 

WAIT! HOLD ON! You're lady friend has a princess Leia slave outfit, and you're trying to end that relations ship? 

49. "What's up with your libido, Greedo?" Seriously...I think we know who "shoots first" in this relationship. 

And finally... 

50. "Don't be such a spoiled Cunt, Gwyneth." 

OK. So, they don't ALL rhyme.