A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words, Even If You Only Read The Caption

I'm not going to get into the politics of the story out of Ferguson, MO other than to say that a lot of news organizations have been lifting photos of Michael Brown (out of ANY context) from his Facebook page.

This has lead to the rise of a twitter hashtag movement called #IfTheyGunnedMeDown

Which photo of you would the news media use if YOU were the story?

This is a serious discussion that needs to be analyzed by far greater people than a guy who basically tells dick jokes. BUT......

What if I was gunned down?
There sure are a LOT of options the lazy media could rip from my Facebook page.

Here are a few and the justifications:

1. Guns.

This type of photo is ideal. Also, I am clearly threatening a police office. So if I was shot by the police (whether justifiable or not), they could run this one to show my complete lack of respect for law enforcement.

2. Tattoos.

The media has a field day with tattoos. As if, some of the most respected people in society don't have tattoos. But a threatening photo like this will scare people indoors to watch hours of CNN.

3. Violence (Against Women).

Sure it's possible she was asking for it (she was!) But there's no back story to a picture. At least not when you don't bother to do ANY research whatsoever.

4. Violence (Against Children) AND possible Zombistic Behavior.

OK. You got me on this one. But babies are delicious!!!
I had been BIG into the new Jonathan Swift diet. Lost 15 pounds in just a week.

5. Stealing Aborigine's Souls.

Fuck 'em! They aren't going to read this anyway. Also, can you even be sure that's me?
Of course you can, because I only own 1 dress shirt.

6. Cults.

A photo that shows one engaging in cultish behavior.
You ask, how damning is a picture like this? "Try Again Later."

7. Drinking.

What better way to tell if someone is known to have poor judgement from time to time?
*SIDE NOTE - If you consider THIS a dress shirt, I have two...and I wear this one in multiple photos here.

8. Drinking +

Sometimes showing one drinking is not enough.
You must also show the subject 15 years younger...
...with green hair...
...and a jacket that is too big.

It also helps if their belt hangs about 3 inches too low.

9. High Tech Weaponry.

Because guns don't always sell your story. How about a photo with militarized weaponry? Or a plastic fork and some strategically placed party hats?

10. A Prison Photo.

The creme dela creme, is being able to tie them to past indiscretions. A mugshot or photo of them in prison is HUGE!

It's important in this busy day and age, to just make assumptions based on a photo or a headline. Look we don't have time to get to the bottom of things. That's how we stay on top! On top of what? I don't know, because I forget what we were talking about.

But hey, check out my web series The Clink at www.theclink.net

The Shirt - Never Forget

"I'm as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth."

This quote is credited to Jonathan Swift, who we all know, was also into eating babies. I always attribute this quote to the film Miracle on 34th Street. Edmung Gwenn (who I swear is the REAL Santa Claus) writes this as his answer to the question, "how old are you?" on that dickhole, Mr. Sawyer's psychiatric evaluation. 

Dickhole.

That line has ALWAYS taken me out of the movie. Upon hearing (or seeing) it, I start to over analyze it's true meaning. "How soon does the tongue develop within the embryonic state?" I pondered as a small child...probably in slightly difference language. As an adult, I can simply Google it to find the tongue starts to develop at week 4 according to Indiana University. 

CLICK to learn more than you want to know about the tongue.

This is quite the blow to Pro-lifers, to find that even Santa Claus doesn't recognize life's beginning at conception.

Must be a "mall Santa."

As for the bit about the teeth, a recent post by CollegeHumor.com (among others), reveals a photo showing that the teeth form much earlier than we had once believed.

CLICK if you don't plan to sleep tonight.

Today is June 5, 2014. More importantly, Thursday. Meaning that it's #tbt or "Throw Back Thursday" on all of the popular social networks. AKA "Show us a picture of you from when you were younger."

"Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' Where'd you get that camera man?"

-Mitch Hedberg

Every week, my aunt Patti seems to comb through her vast amount of photos to find that perfect family portrait to embarrass us all. Today was no exception. 

The Cousins

I am in the back row, 4 from the right. My arms are folded in a slightly "stand offish" manner, but I'm smiling, so there's no need to read too much into my body language. The photo is from June 2, 2001. That's 13 years ago this past Tuesday. 

Other interesting facts about the photo and it's participants:  

• not one person in that photo was married when it was taken. 
• This was my engagement party. 
• Today, 8 of the 14 people in the photo are married, with another one getting married at the end of this month. 
• 7 children have been born to this group, with another one on the way in September. Meaning, if we were to recreate this photo today, Patti would need a wide angle lens. 
• Two cousins now live on the west coast, one in Chicago and one in a foreign country referred to as, "The Glistening City."

As I look at this photo, I think of how many things have change in 13 years...I also think of the one thing that hasn't.

This morning, as I opened Facebook, I was met with this "blast from the past."

Not this Blast From The Past

It took me all of 5 seconds to notice something odd. Not the fact that I actually had hair (though I did notice that too). Not the fact that I was smiling (I don't tend to smile in old photos, because I always say my mouth goes "out" not "up." And not the fact that some people are looking in a different direction (meaning there is probably another version of this photo out there)...but rather the fact that today I am wearing the same shirt I wore in this photo over 13 years ago.

Notice the smile?

Seriously! My shirt is vintage! It's older than ALL of our marriages. ALL of our children. ALL of the hopes and dreams, which which eventually took family members to various parts of the globe...or at least the continent. 

It's older than 9/11! Meaning I could have worn this shirt on a plane, taking shaving cream AND a straight razor aboard to "gussy" myself up before landing. Which I assume my brother Brian did right before this photo was taken to get that sweet, pre-Robert Downey, Jr., Tony Stark look. That's right, the shirt also predates RDJ's drug rehab (which was July 2001).

They say, every 7 years, you reproduce every one of your body's cells and completely changed your body chemistry, becoming almost a whole new person. I guess that doesn't include wardrobe.