"I Forgive Myself"

 

One of my favorite philosophies, which I've learned from Improv, is the concept of "I forgive myself." There's NO FREAKING way I'd currently be performing one of my favorite musicals, on stage, if it weren't for embracing this tenet.

Performing and teaching improv has (almost) cured my stage fright...which, in high school, was damn near crippling. I have been a member of ComedySportz Philadelphia for the past 12 years. I have been teaching improv for the past 7 years. I freaking love it!

Through this sometimes maligned art form, I have grown to realize my fear was never "looking stupid on stage." As a comedian or entertainer or just a damn fool, that's kind of part and parcel to making people laugh. In fact, my low-rent super power is to convert people laughing at me into people laughing with me. Obviously a defense mechanism (also going back to high school). I've learned that much of my fear came from letting down those around me. My cast mates or fellow performers. If I drop a cue line, how does that affect their performance? THAT had long been my fear of stepping on stage in a scripted format. With Improv, there are no cue lines. There is no script. You accept ("yes"), you amplify ("and"), and you continue to tell the story...together.

But how do you take what you learn from improv and insert it into a scripted performance? By learning how to forgive yourself in the moment.

Last weekend, as we opened Assassins at City Theater in Wilmington Delaware, I new I was as prepared as I could possibly have been. I knew the script forward and backwards. The scenes. Two monologues. The songs. BUT, as sometimes can happen in a live setting, I slipped up. I transposed a line in a song... which happened to be a huge cue line for the rest of the cast. Collectively they salvaged my mistake, but I was so disappointed in myself. THIS is the FEAR come to life!

But then I said, "fuck it." I could sit there and let it eat at me for the rest of that performance, which will undoubtedly kill the mood every time I walk on stage, or I can do what I've learned from Jason Stockdale, Dave Jadico, Alli Soowal, Mary Carpenter, Kristin Finger, Don Montrey, Emily Davis, Darryl Charles, Sue Taney, Jon Colby, Steve Roney, Jim Burns, and a myriad of other teachers I've study with over the years and simply say "I forgive myself" and move on.

I'm not going to tell you it's easy. It's not! Quite the contrary. It takes a shitload of practice! But, since I fuck up a lot, and I'm old, I have to be damn close to my 10,000 hours needed to master it.

It works on as well as off the stage: Forgot to make the coffee, I forgive myself. Ran out of time before mowing the lawn, I forgive myself. Haven't showered in 3 days, I forgive myself...though those around you mind take exception.

The day after my error, I was back on stage in another performance. To alleviate it happening again, I was laboring over that part of the song. Jim Burns, who I have worked with on shorts, web series, improv shows, and various stage performances was helping me. After working it for a bit bit he finally said, "Okay. Don't over do it, or it becomes a thing." That advice greatly complimented the "I forgive myself" philosophy.

When that moment in the song came up, I concentrated on the words, but let go and didn't over complicate it. Everything went completely fine.

Forgive yourself. Also, if you can. get a Jim Burns in your life!

The Room - An Emotional Rollercoaster

Tommy Wiseau's The Room is not a good movie. It's not. NO, it's not! But it is a GREAT movie.

I mean, it's an absolute piece of shit. Almost unwatchable. There's no plot. The character's motivations turn on a dime. Story lines are forgotten the second they are mentioned. The cinematography would get you a C grade if you did this in film school. And the pacing is on par with an incontinent octogenarian's bowel movement. But YOU need to see it.

I'm serious!

A little back story:

Somewhere around 2009, Joel Rickenbach started the "You've Got Geek On You" podcast (later shortened to "You've Got Geek.") The title was a homage to a line in Shaun of the Dead ("You've got red on you, did you know that?") It was a pop culture podcast that explored film, television, music, comics, games, books, etc.

The podcast was born out of late night phone calls Joel and I would have about these same topics. This was 100% Joel's baby. So he asked me and James Hunsinger to join him every Wednesday night (or sometimes Sundays or whatever day of the week worked for everyone's availability).

Aside from providing an MATURE rating from iTunes, my greatest contribution was "The Nerd Confessions." This came out of an episode where I admitted, I had never seen James Cameron's Aliens before. This was rectified in July of 2009.

Andrew Mitchell set up what would be the first or three screenings at the University of Delaware. For the inaugural screening, we invited anyone who was interested in coming to watch Aliens with us.

Bob Trate (future "You've Got Geek" panelist) brought his helmet for me to wear.

The next screening would be Flash Gordon, in which Dave Perillo and Brendan Carr (future "You've Got Geek" panelist), would perform as The Ukes of Earl in opening the night's festivities (though Dave became unavailable at the last moment and Brendan played solo)

Steve Manocchio watching Brendan rock out. Also, that camera makes me wonder where the hell that footage is! 

Flash Gordon was a MST3K type viewing. All were welcome to shout out whatever they wanted at the screen. It was probably my favorite screening of the three movies we'd show there.

The final screening however, would be the aforementioned The Room. Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece about a guy who is in love with a girl, who seems to be in love with his best friend, and possibly a 14 year old boy next door. I believe this took place early 2010.

The screening was amazing! It was a room full of friends, almost all of who, were seeing the movie for the first time. THIS is how the movie is meant to be seen. In numbers.

I find it near unwatchable in a singular setting. But the more people you gather, the better the film.

I would go on to watch it two more times in my life. Once, as part of Brendan's bachelor party in late 2010 (though , admittedly, I told Joel to wake me when it was over having seen it with in the same calendar year - that's about as much as the human condition can accept seeing it). And then finally May 18, 2012 as part of the "You've Got Geek" sponsored screening at The Colonial Theater in Phoenixville, PA.

THIS was the screening where Jim Burns showed up as Johnny AKA Tommy Wiseau.

While this was the first public appearance, Jim had been "Tommy" before. Specifically on the 2/23/2011 episode of "You've Got Geek."  <--- CLICK to listen to the episode.

Fast forward to April 2018.

I got a text from Jim about a staged reading of The Room at PhilaMOCA in Philadelphia. He asked if I was going to attend. I was on the fence, until he told me HE was reading the part of Johnny. 

YES! That's Greg Sestero (the actor who played Mark, the writer of the book Disaster Artist (which was turned into a movie starring and directed by James Franco), and of course Tommy Wiseau's best friend).

Jim is a private dude. I'm not.
I immediately told Julie and decided to call on EVERYONE I could think of who might be remotely interested.
Julie and I started throwing names at each other. And then we both became extremely sad.
Both of us had immediately thought of Joel.
Joel passed away in 2015.
He is still a huge presences in both of our lives. Not a week goes by where I don't have the thought in the back of my head that I should, "call Joel."

See a good movie - Call Joel.

See a bad movie - Call Joel.
Think of an extremely irreverent joke - Call Joel.

Phillies deplete their bullpen in the 3rd game of the season and need to use a position player to pitch an inning - Call Joel.

898 days, and my first reaction is still to "Call Joel."

Last night at the reading of The Room, I laughed my freaking head off! Every single person in the cast was stellar! With Jim's Johnny and the woman playing Lisa as stand outs.

All night I had this feeling eating at me. Right before we took this picture, Jim (not Johnny, not Tommy) put the feeling into words:

"I can hear Joel's laugh."

I asked a random woman to take this photo. I didn't crop or alter it in anyway. Today I realized,without knowing it, she left the room to Jim and Julie's left for Joel. 

Sometimes when you set out to make a dramatic film for you and your friend to act in, you instead end up making a comedy cult masterpiece.

(*Apologies for typos. I wrote this piece crying while listening to Joel's laugh)

The Wave - 10 Years Ago

Kevin, Jim, and Gordon (Joel took the photo)

In March 2006, four friends got together to grow mustaches and curse a lot on camera.

That's the story of The Wave.

But the story actually began on July 18, 2002.

That was the day Vincente Padilla and the Philadelphia Phillies lost to Matt Clement and the Cubs...Oh, and my car got towed.

Joel Rickenbach, my partner in yelling at the Phillies, and I took in an afternoon game at the now defunct Veteran Stadium. We saw Bobby Abreu hit not one, but two triples scoring Ricky Ledee each time (admit it, if you've ever heard it before, Ricky Ledee was a name you never expect to hear again).

Joel and I sat in left field behind Pat Burrell. In between innings, a pretty blonde from the stands would talk to him. We'd later realize that pretty blonde was his (then) girlfriend, local soccer star Heather Mitts.

Jim Bunning was on hand to make a special guest appearance, but the Phillies offense wasn't. They lost 6-4.

Joel and I slowly walked back to my "secret parking spot" where I had been parking for free for many years. An old abandoned Supermarket parking lot. Not much of a secret as many other people parked there too. I presume they were also towed as well.

This forced Joel and I to take a taxi to Roxborough to get my car out of the impound. I forget the total cost of the taxi and impound, but I still maintain my years of free parking made up for it.

I now hightailed it down Rt. 76 to get Joel to his shift at Movies U Buy on time. As we were heading South, I waved in a car that was merging from an on ramp. The guy flew on to the road never waving or even acknowledging me. I became irate saying that him not waving was the same as cutting me off. Joel defended the guy...to an extent. That night I went home and started writing "The Wave."

Fast forward to the next Spring 2003 (I think). Somewhere footage exists of a few scenes showing a wildly different version of the short film starring myself, Jim Brett, and John Tatarelli Jr. The shoot ended up getting rained out. On top of which, Joel & I were not in love with the camera rig we were using at the time. We decided to scrap the whole thing...

Sabrina recently sent me these photos. I'm not sure if I forgot they existed or never knew in the first place
(Sabrina took these photos)

...at least until the end of winter 2006. I had been hanging out with Jim Burns and Gordon Holmes through various City Theater shows. Julie & I were also getting ready to move into a house. Boxes were packed, but that wouldn't stop us from growing out some sweet facial hair and trying again.

This was late March. In fact it was Saturday March 25 & Sunday March 26. I know this because the South Park episode, The Return of Chef aired on Wednesday March 22, 2006. And the word "Jewbs," would become synonymous with this shoot...at least until a little graffiti appeared at our final location.

The script was pulled out of mothballs, a few extra "fucks" were added, and we were ready to go!

On the 1st day of shooting:

Gordon:

This script has the eff word in it a lot.

Kevin:

Too much?

Gordon:

Maybe we should pull back a bit.

Kevin:

Good call.

We didn't. In fact, we added WAAAAY more eff words!

Gordon getting a "fuck" count between takes.

And off we went!

1st day of shooting with our fearless director.

Second day of shooting, was windy as hell.
Also you can see that cast is also crew...and apparently trying to "mic" Jim's butt.

Last shot of the film!
(I made that up, this was the 2nd day though)

Overall, I enjoy the piece. It might not be the greatest thing we've done, but we were still learning what the hell we were doing. Plus, the shoot itself gave us great, and sometimes embarrassing, memories like Gordon, Jim, and I going out in public with our mustaches since we were in the middle of a 2 day shoot.

As previously mentioned, while on the parking garage we encounter some graffiti that would become an inside joke to me, Joel, Jim, and Gordon for the rest of ours lives. And I'm now sharing it with you. It'll mean nothing to you, nor should it. But when the phrase "Cold Titties!" pops in my head, it stirs up a joyousness that only this picture can truly capture:

I am extremely grateful for the time spent filming and generally screwing around with Joel, Jim, and Gordon on this and many other projects.

I can not believe it's been 10 years since we embarked on this weird adventure. And I'm fairly certain I can speak for Jim & Gordon when I say that we miss the hell out of our friend Joel, but no one misses those mustaches!