There Are Two Types of People

(AP Photo/Vincent Thian)

There are two types of people:

1. Those who say "Birdie"

2. Those who say "Shuttlecock"

...oh, and

3. Those who don't talk about badminton... 

(So there are three types of people)

Japan's Kento Momota hits a return shot against China's Huang Yu Xiang during Malaysia Master men's single quarterfinal in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Friday, Jan. 10, 2020.

(AP Photo/Vincent Thian)

I HATE This Photo For Three Reasons:

Admittedly, I original read this as "4 Things to Do To Put $1,000+ in the Bank."

However, I think my complaints still apply.

 

I HATE this photo for three reasons:

1. It says "...once you have 1000+ in the bank..." this is WAAAAY more than 1000+. Assuming those are bundles of one hundred $100 bills, this is about three million dollars. Tagging anything over a million bucks as $1000+ is crazy and probably the thought process behind the majority of conservatives being against higher taxes for the 1%.

2. This is clearly NOT a bank, but rather a Mansion's Private Money Closet.

3. Much like the wealth in this country, the lighting is disproportional leaving those on the bottom in the dark.

Business Cards

Last night, I was cleaning out one of my daughter's "Art Drawers."

In it, I found one of my business cards that I had given to her a few months ago.

She made some notations on it:

Then I turned it over and found the following:

It reads: "Toot, Poop" and her (at the time) 5 year old attempt at "Toilet." 


This made me realize two things:

1. My daughter has NO idea what I do for a living.
or
2. My daughter knows EXACTLY what I do for a living!

The Perils of The Ghostbusters Lyrics

If there's something strange in your neighborhood
Who you gonna call? 

I mean that depends on the specifics, right?
Are we talking about a downed power line? Because then I'd call PECO, or some electrical company representative to let them know.

Or if it's a mysterious package, I'll call the police and report it. Sure, we're like 18 years removed from 9/11, but still, "see something, say something" continues to be a good practice.

Now, if we're talking about a creepy looking guy in trench coat, I'll probably assess the whether. Is rain expected? Is it too warm for such wardrobe? Is it simply Mrs. Bradley off of her meds again? There's much to be considered.

Though, if it's Mr. Bradley in the trench coat, I'll likely call the Ghostbusters, because he died three Summers ago.

If there's something weird
And it don't look good
Who you gonna call?

Again, very vague. 

I mean right now, those spotted lantern flies are pretty goddamn weird.

And after stepping on them, we know who to call and report the sighting to: the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture. Or, the hotline set up by Penn State University,1-888-4BAD-FLY.


I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

See, if you said that once, I'd have believed you. But repeating it makes me question your sincerity.

If you're seeing things running through your head
Who you gonna call?

A psychologist!

Unless you mean, literally running through my head, then a dermatologist! Because lice, like the Wu Tang Clan, ain't nothin' to fuck with.

An invisible man
Sleeping in your bed
Who you gonna call?

An intruder is sleeping in my bed! I'll call the police!

...wait, how can I see they're sleeping in my bed if they're invisible in the first place?

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

Yeah. I...I know.

Who you gonna call?

Look, I'm starting to think you're just lonely.

If you're all alone
Pick up the phone
And call...

Do you just need someone to talk to? I have a good psychologist I can recommend.

I ain't afraid of no ghost

I know! No one is saying you are!

I hear it likes the girls

What?!? That's fucked up! Seriously, I don't think I EVER realized that was the lyric.

I ain't afraid of no ghost

Don't go changing the subject now.
This apparition sounds like a goddamn creep, and not in the typical creepy "ghost" way, but rather in like a "Ghost Dad" starring Bill Cosby way!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

So you agree! It's a Cosby type ghost?!?

Okay, let's think about this a moment. We need to report this ghost's behavior.

Who ya gonna call?

I don't know! That's what I'm trying to figure out. The police? Hannibal Buress?

If you've had a dose of a freaky ghost baby
You better call...

A dose? Ghost baby?
You mean you think he's impregnated some of these aforementioned girls? HOLY SHIT! This goes fucking deep! 

Lemme tell ya something...

Go on...

Bustin' makes me feel good!

"Bustin'?" You mean bustin' a nut?
...WHAT THE FUCK?!? 
Have you been the ghost this whole time?!?

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

Our mere mortal laws can't even touch you, can they?
What do you want from me?

Don't get caught alone no no

I'm not joining forces with you, you piece of shit!
You're on your own!

When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more

Are you threatening me now, you piece of garbage?

I think you better call 

Oh, I'm going to call! I'LL CALL EVERYONE I KNOW, BUDDY!

Who ya gonna call? 

I just told you, EVERYBODY!

Who ya gonna call? 

I'm not giving you specifics! I don't need to disclose my game plan to you, ya dirty rape ghost! This isn't a court! You have no constitutional right to know what evidence I'll use against you here!

I think you better call 

Look, I'm dialing right now!

Who ya gonna call?

Are you fucking deaf?

I can't hear you...

...holy shit, you are deaf!
I'm so sorry.
You haven't heard me this whole time, have you?

Wait a second...Mr. Bradley?
Is that you?

Who ya gonna call?

Oh my God. Mr. Bradley, I'm going to call your son Thomas. I...I think he might know what to do...

Louder

I SAID I'M GOING TO CALL YOUR SON THOMAS. HE STARTED STUDYING THE OCCULT AFTER YOU PASSED AWAY. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO CONTACT YOU FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS!

Who ya gonna call?

THOMAS!

Who can ya call?

HE STUDIES PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, LIKE GHOSTS!

Who ya gonna call?

Oh, Christ. I get it...

"Ghostbusters."

Well played Mr. Bradley. Well played.

WANNA SEE SKID ROW?

I get a TON of SPAM emails or emails from various things I've signed up for in the past. Some of them I immediately hit "Unsubscribe," but some I just continue to get (and delete) because I figure, who cares, right?

This one has me confounded on various levels.

I received an email from Rocky Gap State Park about Skid Row tickets that are going on sale. I'll admit, I entertained the idea of buying them for about 1 minute. A whole 60 seconds. But some things hit me.

First, looking at that picture, Sebastian Bach aged...weirdly! I guess he had work...? Oh, or (according to Wikipedia) he was kicked out of the band in the 90s and I am just now finding out!

And he did "have work," - Rocky Horror and the Gilmore Girls to name a few!

Both "out of focus," because that's how BACH rolls!

So you're trying to sell me on a Sebastian Bach-less Skid Row? Okay, but you got your work cut out for you.

What. The! Fuck?

3:00pm? You expect me to start my headbanging at 3pm?!? Come the hell on! I couldn't possible until the end of a typcial 9-5 work day.

AND "We LOVE the 80's!?!?"

Yes, Skid Row formed and started playing in Tom Rivers, NJ in 1986, but they didn't release their debut album, and become known to the non-New Jersey world, until 1989.

While I'll give you that in the grand scheme of things, 1989 is still technically the 80s, it has NEVER identified as the 80s.

To give you a frame of reference, Nirvana formed a mere year after Skid Row, yet released their first single, a year BEFORE Skid Row! No one considers Nirvana "an 80s band." They are a personification of the 90s!

Though, like Skid Row,  I believe they also kicked their lead singer out of the band, at least I haven't seen him do much recently.

I digress...

GA ticket price is decent, though for $25, I'd think a chair would be provided. I guess this is like camping and seeing Skid Row, which actually sounds like a terrific idea!

At least I don't have to pay a tent fee.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Really? 

Also, you're really doubling down on that whole "no outside alcohol or food/beverage" thing. Though, technically if I have a tent, am I really "outside?"

It's cool, we'll tailgate and finish our drinks and whatnot in the parking lot.

NO TAILGATING?!?!? 

Where is this, Beirut?!?

Oh. That makes sense.

But don't you go thinking for a minute that the Flintstone residents don't do some HARD drinking and Tailgating!

Thanks for the offer Rocky Gap State Park, but I think I'll just listen to Skid Row and watch Gilmore Girl re-runs...unless you want to set up this camping and a concert idea, in which case I'd ask that you revise that "no outside alcohol or food/beverage" restriction.

Jenny McCarthy HATES the Cure

Things got heated in an Aldi parking lot this weekend when Jenny McCarthy and The Cure’s front man, Robert Smith ran into each other.

In fact, it was Mr. Smith who literally collided with Ms. McCarthy as he attempted to avoid a young man handing out Hair Cuttery Coupons on the sidewalk.

At least that’s what my cousin told me. He’s studying to be a doctor, although he hasn’t been enrolled in an accredited school in 4 or 5 years. But he’s always right. I remember when he told me the ending of Lost was probably going to be a let down, and sure enough…

Alvin said, oh, that’s my cousin’s name, “Alvin.” He used to go by Ally when we were kids. Otherwise people made fun of him by saying things like, “Here comes Alvin and the Chipmunks.” 

Ironically, I have another cousin, Alvin’s brother, whose name is Teddy. I didn’t realize his name was actually Theodore until about 3 years ago when he was a groomsman in a wedding and they listed his proper name.

(Left to Right: Aunt Jeanette, Simone, Ally, Uncle Dave, Teddy)

Any way, Ally thinks Alvin sounds more grown up, so he’s been asking that we call him that now. So Alvin said, Jenny McCarthy dropped all of her groceries and Robert Smith tried to help her pick them up.

She started yelling to anyone who would listen, “Did you see what the Cure just did to me?!?” And "The Cure will kill us all!"

I’ll admit, I was confused why she was yelling this when Ally, er Alvin first told me this story. Mostly because he originally said it was Robert Plant, not Robert Smith.

He always had a Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman thing with Robert Plant and Robert Smith. He also was convinced Robert Smith was the lead singer of The Smiths for a long time. He was so adamant about it, that he once dropped our Quizzo Team, “Simon Says” from 3rd to 4th place.

We almost cracked that elusive top three!

I asked Ally if this happened at 10:15 Saturday Night. He didn’t seem to get the reference and instead replied that it was Sunday and Aldi closes at 8pm. He also asked that I call him Alvin.

Not to take away from the story, which has already been “liked” by 11 people on his Twitter page, but I asked why Jenny McCarthy and Robert Smith would be at an Aldi in Malvern, PA on a random Sunday. He said they probably were selling something at QVC whose studios are located nearby.

I was pretty sure that wasn’t the case, as Quacker Factory has Sunday evenings all locked up to itself (Mom never misses it!)

I guess we’ll never know.

It was a good story though, and it’s now up to 13 “likes.”

Ten Pools!!!!!!!!!!

Last Summer, right before Kit went back to school, we took advantage of a random weekday to go Pool Hopping. I wrote about it which you can read about --- > HERE.

After swimming in 4 different pools (which I deemed a World Record...have you swam in more than 4 pools in one day?), I asked Kit, "How many pools do you wanted to swim in next year?" Knowing she'd be 5 and a half, she replied, "Six" as there are no "half pools" that we're aware of.

Instead of doing a mere six, I asked Kit if she'd want to do six NEW pools, and the same 4 original for a total of TEN POOL!!! Being 5 and a half, of course she responded, "Do you think that's the responsible thing to do, father?"

Kidding, she replied "HELL YEAH! AND GIVE ME SOME MORE SUGAR!!!"
*If you know my kid, you know this is closer to the truth.

So, we put the call out via Facebook asking anyone who has a pool, if we could hop in. And our friends didn't disappoint. On Sunday July 14, we embarked on our 10 Pool Challenge.

Pool #1

Our first pool was courtesy of our friends Charlie and Penny. Charlie is a teacher, and has always been super great with Kit! Penny is slightly older than Kit, but they get along famously! Both C & P were up for helping us kick off the day.

Pool # 2

The second pool location was provided by a co-worker, Mandy. Mandy has a daughter who is a bit younger than Kit. They didn't swim with us, but allowed us to jump in and swim for about 10 minutes. Kit was extremely shy, and I feared this was how much of the day would go. But she slowly started to warm up right before we left.

Pool #3

This pool belongs to a good friend of my brother Brian's. Tom, and the Roth family, told us they were going to be at the beach and wouldn't be home. I had never been to this house, so there was a feeling that this was a good old fashion pool hopping, as I wasn't 100% sure it was the right house. I think it was...Regardless, it was amazing!

Pool #4

Pool four, Kit had just been in over the 4th of July Weekend. Our friends Gordon and Lyndsey have had Kit over numerous times to swim. Kit is always super comfortable with Gordon, so that made this visit a lot more comfortable.

We spent more time than we had planned here, which though off our schedule for the day...but we had a blast and didn't want to leave.

Pool #5

Pool five was by far the most interesting, but also maybe the coolest of all of the pools!

My friend Heather, from grade school, saw my post asking for people to open their hearts (and pools). She told me Kit and I were welcome anytime. When I told her when we were looking to schedule it, she told me she wouldn't be home, but her husband and three boys would be and that we should come over!

Heather was one of the first girls I ever slow danced with (in like the 4th grade). It was probably to Debbie Gibson, because everyone slow danced to Debbie Gibson back then!

Kit seemed extremely interested in this story. She knew I went to school with Heather and kept repeating that to me.

However, when we got there, Kit was definitely intimidated by the boys (who were all polite and  fantastic!) The youngest boy was a little younger than Kit, so she seemed more comfortable with him. But because the older two boys were extremely active in the pool, Kit jumped right out. They reminded me of Brian and I when we were kids.

Mr. Louis and the boys were hospitable and kind. And though shy, Kit talked about going back again in the future.

Also they have chickens!!!

Pool #6

Drew and Marie (Julie's cousin) opened their pool to us. Kit was excited at the prospect of seeing her 2nd cousin...or her cousin once removed, Lanie (Julie, help! I always forget how this works). Lanie however was away for the weekend, so Kit was a little bummed. But Ethan, the youngest of the kids, was more than happy to swim with us.

We had a blast, though my memory came into question when Drew told me he and I once jumped off his roof into the pool. I told him I remembered him doing it, but there's no way I did that, as I'm not an idiot. Both Marie, and later Julie confirmed I am an idiot. I remember climbing on to the roof, but swore I was guilted out of jumping by various parties at the party.

Something to strive for next year!

Pool #7

Grammy's Pool! One of the original 4, AND of course the pool Kit has swam in the most in her life.

We were way behind on time, so when we saw Grammy's car wasn't in the driveway, we quickly jumped in and out and then ran...

My Mom would call me later that evening and say, "Well, I guess you didn't make it to all 10." I told her we were in fact in her pool. She had run to the store for about 15 minutes, we happened to be in the pool at that time. She had also left a note for us inside the house, but we never went in as we were on such a time crunch.

Pool #8 (ignore those incorrect fingers)

When I said we "ran" from Grammy's, I meant literally across the street. Jane & Lou's pool (also one of the original 4) was right there for the calling. Also, this is the ONLY pool I never cleared it with the owners before jumping in. TRUE POOL HOPPING!

Lou and Jane wouldn't find out we were in the pool until they received a "Thank You" card a few days later. Luckily, I used to mow their lawn so I know how to open their "locked" gate.

Yesterday, I was talking to Lou about this, and he told me he saw Kit's small wet foot prints after we left and he assumed a duck had gone in the pool.

Pool #9

Lauran and Joe's pool (also in the original 4). Though I texted them as we were driving over (to which Lauran answered and said, "Come on over") we scared the crap out of them when we knocked on the kitchen window.

Kit was on this raft pictured and didn't want to get in as it was "getting cold." I tipped her to make sure she got in and it counted as one of the ten.

Good Parenting!!!!

Pool #10

The YMCA was our 10th Pool! The Family Pool had closed so we were in the very cold lap pool. But we did it!

Our journey allowed us to do everything from sunbathe...

...and see goats.

I am eternally grateful to everyone who help us do this! And am flattered that EVERYONE of them told us we can come back next year.


Oh, we also decided to film the entire thing. All of it. And that video is right ---> HERE.

Okay. It's not.


"Oh, didn't you film it?"
Of course I did. I film everything.

"Oh, you haven't had time to edit it yet?"
Well, I had a heavy hand in producing a World Championship for ComedySportz that took up much of my life over the past year, but no of course I edited it!

"Then what gives?"
Well...

So a couple years ago a friend asked me if my daughter watched "unboxing" videos on YouTube. I assumed "unboxing" is what people did to Mike Tyson back in the 90s. When it was explained to me that "unboxing videos" are videos of kids basically opening presents, I answered, "No, my kid would have no interest in that!"

Boy was I wrong. As were somewhere around 800 million other parents. THAT's the number of downloads that video, featuring a little boy name Ryan, received showing him opening up a box filled with toys from the Pixar movie Cars.

"What a load of crap!" I thought.
Then I heard that Ryan's family made $11 million dollars in their "first year" of monetizing their YouTube channel.

Last year they made between $22-24 million dollars.

Now, Ryan's Toy Review is one of the most popular channels on YouTube. Ryan even has his own show on Nickelodeon called "Ryan's Mystery Playdate." I assure you I miss the days of Caillou.

Kit, like 100s of millions of other kids (and probably sickos) start watching these videos in droves! Then Kit started surfing and found a few others, almost all of which I detest! (I like Andy & Ryden and that's about the end of my list).

So Kit asked, "Daddy, can I have a YouTube Channel?"

No. NO. ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT!

"Well..."

So Julie and I decided to start filming Kit's "YouTube Channel."
Then I would edit them.
And get carried away.
And I'd re-edit them.
And do all sorts of crazy stuff.

"Let's show Grammy!" Kit would say.
"Okay."

I'd pull the video from my Google Drive and we'd watch it.
Sometimes I'd even Screencast it on our TV if Jimmy or Petra were over and willing to indulge Kit.

My favorite night was having Rob and Lauren come over and watch a "YouTube" video. Rob seemed into it, not as into watching "Tinkerbell and the Pirate Fairy" as we did on another night, but I digress...

BUT, these videos aren't online. Nor do I have any intention of putting them online.

I know that my child lives a much more public life than others, because of how much I post about her. I also know many people are probably sick of that and have blocked me on Facebook and Instagram. That's fine (I'm still going to post them...)

But, and admittedly (at least initially) a lot of the privacy we do provide is at the behest of Julie.

Kit is a kid. And the last thing I want to do is embarrass her, or have her believe I've embarrassed her (let's face it, I'll be doing that for years to come!)

Though she thinks she wants people to see her videos, I don't want that for her.

I want her to have a childhood where she can make huge mistakes just like I did and not have the scrutiny of the masses looking over her shoulder. I want her to have fun making videos. Not look at it as a chore because you have to constantly pump out content regardless of how artificial it is. I want her to be lazy. Yeah, lazy. Do you think a kid who's pulling down $24 million dollars can lay around watching a butterfly land on their legs for 4 hours like we did at Grammy's pool yesterday?

I want her to be a kid.

Yeah $24 million would be great, but it can't buy back a childhood.

So if you're ever at the house, and you want to see one of these videos, just ask. Kit would be more than happy to show you. Unless Rob is watching "Tinkerbell and the Pirate Fairy." Then you'll just have to wait.