2016 Olympic Games

I thoroughly enjoy watching The Olympics. But more than that, I ADORE watching the opening ceremonies!

If you've read my blog, you know I'm an avid fan of parades. Well the opening ceremonies to the Olympics is like a National Parade held once every 4 years in a new location, but even more of a shit show!

Remember the "Ode to Wolverine" in 2010's games held in Vancouver? Well this year will be no different (other then the unusually high death toll expected)

You can be damn certain I'll be glued to the TV, with phone in hand to tweet throughout, this Friday night.

But some of you are wondering, "Which games are in this years Olympics?" Well let's explore.

Now I could simply list them for you. OR I could type the event name into my Google Images folder and see what photo Google recommends based on that event. Doesn't that sound SOOOOO much better?

(If not - HERE'S the actual list)

Archery

Nailed it.

Badminton

I have no idea how this picture came up when I typed in "badminton" unless the computer thought I meant "bad kitten" in which case it would be correct.

Basketball

We all know this is not a basketball, right?

Beach Volleyball

I assume Google gave up after it got "beach."
That said, you make an Olympic event with Jill Knapp doing a hula-hoop, I'm fucking there!

Boxing

Pssh! Guy looks more like the referee.

Canoe/Kayak

Well played, Google. Well played.

Cycling

I'm in! 100% in!

All riders have a "side bear," right?

Diving

Extra points awarded if you skim the leaves off the pool with the net.

Equestrian

Full disclosure, I typed in "horse."
But regardless, that's Jim Burns on a steed!

Fencing

This one seemed to stump Google.
Perhaps it thinks Bosco is carrying a "fence."
Though, they are bars for the prison cell in The Clink, so maybe Google realized "fencing" stolen property is illegal and they just skipped the whole due process thing.

Field Hockey

This is obviously ice hockey, but this lady would be in the penalty box in either sport.
She knows what she's done, and so does Google.

Golf

This works.

Gymnastics

You don't need to watch this event.
My kid already "medaled."

Handball

I think you see where I'm going with this.
Now turn your head and cough for the Russian judges.

Judo

I always confuse that one and Taekwondo.

Modern Pentathlon

Yeah. I'm stumped on this one, too.

Rhythmic Gymnastics

Sure. Let's go with this.

Rowing

This, technically isn't rowing.

However, if you take "rowing" to mean "get into a row (ie fight)." My money is on the Irish girl!

Rugby

OMG! Mason is so tiny!

(*Not a Rugby ball)

Sailing

Man, I miss Aruba.

Shooting

AKA Cowboys vs. Pirates

Soccer

Again, no need to watch.
My kid already won...for CUTENESS!

Swimming

Go Jimmy, Go!

(Splashing is swimming, right?)

Synchronized Swimming

Synchronize your watches! And cell phones.

(Sorry Gordon)

Table Tennis

AKA Beer Pong

Taekwondo

I always confuse that one and Judo.

Tennis

Yep. Nailed it, Google.
I guess the net through it off.

Track & Field

This year the sprinkler is 100% toxic!

Trampoline

I have nothing to add to this one.

Triathlon

Umm...sure?

Volleyball

Google! You're not even trying anymore!

Water Polo...

...for the ladies!

Weight Lifting

What? It weighed a lot.

Wrestling

Stop looking at my wife's legs!

#BlackLivesMatter

 

It would seem that the #hashtag is the new bumper sticker. They can be innocuous little words used as a digital makeshift filing system or, more often than not, they can be used to represent one's personal opinions with extreme brevity. 

Yet, unlike bumper stickers, hashtags also have the potential to alienate its reader's personal opinions, with extreme anger.

#BlackLivesMatter

You don't need to explore the comments section of a story featuring the hashtag "BlackLivesMatter," very long to find its "composite sketch" version, "AllLivesMatter." Had the "Black Lives Matter" movement added the letters "T-O-O" at the end, perhaps the time spent arguing syntax could be better spent discussing the very real racial problem we still have in this country.

When I see the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter, at no point do I think its user is claiming that black lives matter more, or should matter more, than any other life. They are simply asking that their life be held in the same regard as all other lives. 

It would be like seeing a bumper sticker that reads, "I Love New York," and having the immediate feeling of:

"Yeah? Well, 'I Love America!'"

or "I Love My Wife!"

or even "I Love Harry Potter Books!"

Of course you do! The beauty of the human heart is, that it is capable of loving more than one thing, and at the same time!

"Shit Happens." We accept that as true. But we also accept that many other things also happen besides shit.

"Mean People Suck." As do people, and things, who are not inherently "mean."

If we only went by the actual words in a statement, the 80s would have seen an inordinate amount of traffic accidents because no one could see out their rear window through the sign that said:

Baby On Board, as well as a battery, axels, brakes, pistols, fuel injector, radiator, ac compressor, clutch, engine fan, spare tire, jack, shock absorbers, transmission, spark plugs, air filter, muffler, catalytic converter, alternator, pressure gauge, steering wheel, seats, driver, a half eaten pack of Skittles and U2's Rattle and Hum.

That's a lot of information. Information that we likely already knew as soon as we saw the car. Except maybe the bit about the Skittles...And the fact that there's a baby inside. A baby that someone was merely hoping to provide a safer environment, simply by using three little words.

The Flag Doesn't Need YOUR Wind To Wave

With the 4th of July quickly approaching, we'll all be treated to an array of "patriotic" behaviors:

• Fireworks exploding in tiny neighborhoods, well past most (sober) people's bedtimes.
• A superfluous amount of sales that include the words "4th of July" impetuously tacked on to the advertisement.
• And of course, flags. Flags as far as the eye can see!

I was a Boy Scout, before that a Webelos, and before that still, a Cub Scout. The one hold over I have continued since my more youthful days is a stringent respect for Old Glory, the flag of The United States of America.

Even as a lily-hearted liberal, I still strongly believe in Flag Etiquette. An etiquette that will go RIGHT out the window for virtually every American during the first week of July.

You disagree?

OK. Let's check out a few things. USFlag.org lists various "standards of respect" for the US Flag. They include:

The flag should never be dipped to any person or thing.

You think some asshole, ISN'T going to "dip" this in chocolate? OK, that might not be the "dip" they had in mind.

It is flown upside down only as a distress signal.

Pac Sun does sell "distressed jeans" perhaps this was their way of "signaling" it.

The flag should not be used as a drapery, or for covering a speakers desk, draping a platform, or for any decoration in general.

Leave it to GettyImages to get this wrong. Pretty fucking proud of that water mark now, aren't ya?

Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top.

Had a 50/50 chance of getting this right. You know...like voting.

The flag should never be used for any advertising purpose.

It should not be embroidered, printed or otherwise impressed on such articles as cushions, 

handkerchiefs, 

napkins, 

boxes,

or anything intended to be discarded after temporary use. 

Sorry Katy, I couldn't help myself.

Advertising signs should not be attached to the staff or halyard

The flag should not be used as part of a costume 

or athletic uniform, 

except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, fireman, policeman and members of patriotic organizations.

Ah yes, the patriotic organization known as a minor league baseball team!

The flag should never have placed on it, or attached to it, any mark, insignia, letter, word, number, figure, or drawing of any kind.

The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.

When a flag is so worn it is no longer fit to serve as a symbol of our country, it should be destroyed by burning in a dignified manner.

And finally - 

No part of the flag should touch the ground or any other object;

Driving to the shore on Memorial Day weekend this year, I counted FIVE flags discarded on the side of the road. Because, when you're doing 80 mphs down Rt.55, there sure is a lot of wind!

Elvis, And Dr. Nick

Season 2 of Elvis, And starts with Dr. Nick.

Starring a young Matt Casarino as the infamous Dr. Nick. Forget everything you think you know and spend 30+ minutes listening.

You won't need Web M.D. to find out if you're "Redboning."

Also, BEWARE OF THE SANDMAN!

Click here to listen

GOOD TIMES!

Hey, I have a question for you?

Do you eat pizza?
How about instant noodles?
Ice cream?
Chocolate?
Margarine?
Cookies?
Packaged bread?

Do you use bio diesels?
Or detergent?
You must use shampoo?

Yeah? Me too. We all do! Most of these products contain palm oil.

According to the World Wildlife Federation, in the last 20 years over 3.5 million hectares (a hectare is equal to 100 acres) of forest in Indonesia and Malaysia have been destroyed to make way for palm oil. This is catastrophically up-heaving the life cycles of over 80 species, including orangutans. 
Over 6,000 orangutans are dying every year, that's over 16 a day.

And while I realize that orangutans and a gorillas are not the same species, if you partake in ANY of the products mentioned above (you do), SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WHAT COULDA/SHOULDA BEEN DONE in the Cincinnati zoo last weekend. 

You're shit stinks, just like everyone else's.

In unrelated news, you can buy the Monkee's new album, Good Times by clicking here.