I used to interview people. I would stare them directly in
the eyes and try to make them uncomfortable. I was bored. It made being on that
side of the interview a little more bearable.
Sometimes when I am walking down the street in Philly I
still do it. I make eye contact with people to restore my faith in humanity.
Most people WANT to make a human connection. You make eye contact and smile,
they smile back. Of course sometimes they immediately look away instead. “Why
is this stranger smiling at me? Oh Lord, I’m about to get ‘rolled’.”
This blog isn’t about that.
On Friday, the Daily Beast released an article about the 10
questions tech companies use to attempt to throw potential employees for a loop
while interviewing. To read that article, click
HERE.
What follows are those questions and how I would answer them:
1. “If you could throw a parade of any caliber
through the Zappos office, what type of parade would it be?”
Well, sir or ma’am, it is no secret that I
am a huge fan of parades. Especially the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade (feel free
to go back to my twitter/yourherokevin to check out my November 28th tweets).
Though I’d love to throw my own Macy’s
Parade, I feel I’d end up watching it more than producing it. Then there’s the
potential the Snoopy balloon would fly off the parade route and destroy
downtown Manhattan. So my answer would still be a Christmas parade, but it
would be a shot for shot reenactment of the Turbo Man Parade in the holiday
classic, ‘Jingle All The Way.’
Obviously, some recasting would be needed. After
all Phil Hartman is no longer with us. And who the fuck knows where Sinbad is
these days. So here’s my cast:
Arnold Swarzenegger = Benedict Cumberbatch
(sure he’s nothing like Arnold, but he apparently has the “Jude Law” deal with
Hollywood, which states he must be in EVERY film produced)
Sinbad = Jude Law (see reason above)
Phil Hartman = My neighbor Terry (keeping
in mind, we are casting an annoying neighbor, and Terry’s dogs bark all night
long!
*Terry, a side note – DON’T LET YOUR WIFE GO
TO AN ANDY DICK PARTY!!! She’ll end up on cocaine and you’ll eventually get
shot in the head)
Rita Wilson = is adorable and
irreplaceable. Though I’d cast Amy Smart, as I have had a crush on her for
years!
Jake Lloyd = Justin Bieber (finally someone
who people hate MORE than Jake Lloyd…though in Bieber’s defense he didn’t ruin
Star Wars)
Curtis Armstrong = Chris Christie (I have a feeling the guy will
be looking for work soon, and he’d make a GREAT “Booster”)
2. “How lucky are you and why?”
Are we talking on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1
being the aforementioned Phil Hartman and 10 being Carter Oosterhouse? (FYI – Carter Oosterhouse is married to Amy
Smart. LUCKY!!!)
This question sounds like an early draft of
the famous Dirty Harry line, “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you Oosterhouse?”
Seriously, I was born as a white male in
America to an upper middle class family. I’m pretty fucking lucky!
3. “If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you
benefit from scissors?”
Finally an actual question! Cause let’s
face it, The “Luck” thing was stupid, and if I am throwing a parade at a shoe
store, I clearly wasted my time studying for a degree in film. But pizza
delivery man seems like something a “not-quite-ready-to-admit-I’m-a-failed”
filmmaker might do.
OK. Let’s set up a scenario.
I’m delivering pizza to the set of the FX
original program, Justified.
Walton Goggins,
who plays Boyd Crowder, LOVES deep dish.
I get out of the
car and take it to his trailer.
He invites me in.
He pays, and tips
quite generously.
I tell him I like Justified a lot, but I loved
his previous work in The Shield. In fact, I tell him, I still think it’s the
best show in the history of television.
A PA asks, “Have
you seen The Wire?”
“Yes, of course
I’ve seen The Wire.” I tell him.
“How about Breaking
Bad?” he continues. I look at Walton and he rolls his eyes.
“Look pal,” I’m hiding
my annoyance, “Yes, I have seen Breaking Bad. It’s an incredible show. I loved
it. But I still maintain The Shield tops the list.”
Walton opens the
pizza. I can tell he’s super excited. He’s been shooting all night and finally
has a break between camera set ups. He opens a fridge and takes out a root
beer. It’s a Virgil’s. They’re OK. Not the best. But whateves.
He opens it and
takes a sip. He puts it down amongst many empties strewn around the kitchenette
area in the trailer.
“Well, what about The Walking Dead?”
“ARE YOU FUCKING
KIDDING?!?” I drop my pizza warmer thingie. “That show is crap. The writing is
bad and the acting is worse. The only saving grace for the show is its unique
mood, and quite frankly, American Horror Story creates that mood with good
writing and acting.”
“Seems you only
like FX programs, son,” he says as he picks up a discarded Virgil’s and smashes
it to reveal a make shift weapon.
He holds it out challenging me.
I reach behind my
jacket and put out a walther .380 ppk.
I have been “rolled”
too many times in this line of work to walk around "naked."
The PA squints.
If
he doesn’t back down, this won’t end well.
I look to Walton.
He nods.
The simple motion seems
to say, “keep your cool, but don’t let this cocksucker get the upper hand again. I mean, come on, The
Walking Dead? Is he fucking serious?”
I nod back.
I clear my throat,
“How lucky are you and why?”
I see the fear
enter his eyes. This fight is over before it began.
He drops the
bottle and is escorted out of the trailer and off the set.
“Hey. You want a
root beer?” Walton offers. I drink it, even though it’s a Virgil’s.
The scissors were for making a
heart shaped doily craft thingie. Amy Smart is on Justified this season. Check
your local listings or call your cable provider and ask them for FX.
4. “Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?”
I like Rick Hunter. He was a hunter I
suppose. That would make his partner Dee Dee McCall a gatherer. I like Dee Dee,
but I’m going Rick on this one.
5. “If you were on an island and could only bring
three things, what would you bring?”
Great question! Though, let me first start
by saying I likely would not vacation somewhere that puts such limitations on MY
wants & needs. I’ll assume this island is a nude beach, and that my travel
agent seriously recommends not taking a lot of things to carry (because where
would you put them?)
I also will assume I have already looked into
activities on the island. I don’t want to get there and realize they don’t have
snorkeling or crafts. That would suck.
So #1, I’ll bring suntan lotion. I mean come on guys. I’m Irish and I
burn. I don’t need “a lot” of suntan lotion if you know what I mean…as I said,
“I’m Irish.”
#2, I’ll bring a credit card. Cash is too confusing, and where would I
put all that change? Everyone takes
credit cards these days. Plus, I’m not even sure of the currency at this alleged vacation
spot.
Is it in the US? DO I need my passport? Crap. This is probably a trick
question. I’m NOT going to choose passport as one of my choices, because that should have been
something my travel agent and I went over before hand, when she told me I can
only bring 3 things.
#3
a book? Nah, that’s lame. Oh, man a camera! I’ll have Julie
take lots of photos of me to post on Facebook when we get home from our sweet
vacation.
*I’m aware I have left my walther
.380 ppk at home in this scenario, which is dangerous in case I get rolled. So, I’ll be
“naked” on this trip in more ways than one (two ways in fact!)
6. "Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?"
*The earliest tennis balls are believed to
date back to the reign of Henry VIII. They were made of materials such as putty
and human hair. Scottish craftsmen are said to have made the early tennis
balls. These were made from a wool-wrapped stomach of a sheep or goat. They
were then secured with a rope.
Over the years, tennis because more popular
and tennis equipment emerged from the dark ages. In the late 1800s, tennis
balls were constructed of leather and stuffed with hair or wool. Today, they
are made from rubber and covered with felt. The felt is the fuzzy outer layer.
This is the most expensive materials used in making a tennis ball. Steaming the
felt makes it fluffier. The fuzzy coating increases wind resistance and
control. It also reduces bounce and speed. As a ball loses some fuzz, they get
bouncier. When they lose most of their fuzz, they are said to be “bald.” A bald
tennis ball has more bounce and spin and is harder to control.
*Per Yahoo Answers. For more information, check your local
listings or call your cable provider and ask them for FX.
7. “What is your least favorite thing about
humanity?”
It’s probably humanity’s disturbingly slow
evolution of the tennis ball! I can’t believe it took 200+ years to perfect
that thing! Jeez! The United States perfected democracy in the same amount of
time.
HUMANITY - 0
‘MERICA! - 1
8. “How would you use Yelp to find the number of
businesses in the U.S.?”
I wouldn’t. There are 30,285,419. I don’t
need Yelp for that. It’s like asking, “How do you know if you like beets or
not?” It’s just part of who you are. You just know. And I DO like beets!
YELP - 0
‘MERICA! - 2
9. “Can you instruct someone how to make an origami
‘cootie catcher’ with just words?”
Yes I can.
10. “How
does the internet work?”
You type “Amy Smart” into Google Images and
press enter.
‘MERICA!
FTW!
__________________
I’ll report Monday, as I assume I got the job.
