Advice to Donald Trump: "Don't Say A Word"

Where's the button that shuts down the government for a month?

While pleading his case, AKA grasping at straws, for his pointless WA11, current US President (under investigation) Donald J. Trump is getting blasted for repeatedly claiming "women have been discovered covered in duct tape" and "prayer rugs had been found by farmers near the Mexican border."

Of course neither of these tidbits were ascertained through the Intelligence Community, but rather through Trumps personal network of information, Netflix. More specifically while watching the 2015 film, Sicario on Netflix.

Ten bucks says he makes someone "sit" on the couch in front of him while he watches.
One hundred and fifty thousand bucks says he has Michael Cohen pay them not to tell his wife!

OK. I admit it, this is FAKE NEWS. Sicario is not actually on Netflix...which honestly, is some bullshit Netflix! After all, if you're going to raise my monthly charge AGAIN (Stranger Things Season 3 better be worth it!) the least you can do is stream the film that basically shut down the government for over a month!
Perhaps Trump has a Blu-Ray, DVD, digital download, or even a VHS. 
*Writer's Note: I checked after writing this, Sicario was never released on VHS. But maybe Trump taped over something he already had...perhaps a certain "Pee Tape."
(*Editor Note: That was typo that was supposed to read "Pee Wee Herman Tape")
(*Editor's Note Part II: Why didn't I just fix the typo you ask? Because it's not my fucking job to fix Kevin's mistakes!)
(*Editor's Note Part III: Oh! That is an editor's actual job? Who knew?)

Regardless of how he viewed it, people are up in arms over Trump dictating policy based on a movie he watched.

Here's the thing...he's not the first President to do this! I mean come on! Ronald Reagan basically had ALL of The Soviet Union standing in food lines when he damn near bankrupted the nation after a late night screening of Star Wars.
*Look it up, it's not entirely untrue.

He would have loved Jar Jar...as long as Jar Jar didn't have AIDS.

On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, President Barack Obama was unwinding after a long day and he found a VHS tape left over from the Bush Administration. Ironically, the video was also celebrating a 10 year anniversary that month, Don't Say A Word.

The movie starred Michael Douglas and Brittnay Murphy.

President Obama hated it so much, especially the creepy "I'll never tell..." scene with Murphy in the insane asylum, that Obama swore to bring down the movie.

Less than 2 weeks later, on 9/20/2011, Obama signed The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act of 2010 (H.R. 2965, S. 4023)

Also, the VHS tape was recorded over with the final episode of All My Children on 9/23/2011. Most people have since forgotten about this film securing Obama's legacy in perpetuity. 

What a terrible punishment for the Obama girls.

Much to Barbara Bush's chagrin, her moments younger twin sister, Jenna always got to pick the movie night film for the Bush girl's birthday. Though the sisters had a joint Blockbuster account, their tastes in movies varied greatly. Jenna preferred comedies and lighthearted films. While Barbara like much darker, often times boring films. 

Thanksgiving 2003, newly 22 year old Jenna brought a copy of "Dude Where's My Car" to family movie night. 

Hoping to finally be taken seriously, Barbara brought along "Don't Say a Word." Her father President George W. Bush didn't even waste time on "eeny meenying" it. "Dude Where's My Car," went in the VCR, "Don't Say a Word" was discarded to the dustbin of history (along with some crumpled up papers where Dick Chaney was "spitballing" about how to "relieve" Bush of all that work).

What is that I see in the waste basket by the American Flag? Sorry Barbara.

One week later, clearly having "theft" from the fears of "a dude" having their car stolen on his mind, Bush speaks of the Identity Theft Legislation. Legislation which he'd sign into law a short time later (HR 1731). 

"And then..."
And then a whole bunch of war crimes, I guess.

"The truth really IS out there!"

                              - Bill Clinton

President William Jefferson Clinton was a fan of movies. More importantly, he was a fan of an invention his VP Al Gore came up with called The Internet.

After stumbling upon a Gillian Anderson geocities page filled with sexy photos, Clinton was hooked!

However, he needed more, and feared that a computer monopoly might inhibit the free market. Therefore, The United States vs Microsoft Corp. began. Ushering in a new age of the world wide web which includes such things as Pornhub.com. A place to find poorly doctored photographs...also Blogger.com.

And George HW Bush...did things too (more war crimes, maybe)?

Why did they watch TV like this when there were only 3 channels? They knew they didn't need a different TV to watch each channel, right?

The point is...

...Fuck. I forget what my point was.
*(Editor's Note: Ya got me...)

I guess the point is, maybe listen to your Intelligence Agencies as opposed to whipping people into a frenzy over information that is inaccurate, AKA completely fictional.

When in doubt, just don't say a word...but don't WATCH "Don't Say a Word!"

"The Punch Up Podcast, Thanks For Listening"

Every episode begins with Steve (and once Jessie) saying, "Welcome to the Punch Up Podcast, thanks for listening..."

Almost 3 years ago, Steve Roney asked me to be part of The Punch Up Podcast.

Friday night, we performed/recorded our 100th and final episode. It has been an absolute pleasure to be part of this comedic journey.

My sincerest thanks to everyone who has ever agreed to be on the show including Dave Jadico, Alli Soowal, Kevin Dougherty, Mary Carpenter, Don Montrey, Jim Carpenter, Darryl Charles, Sean Curran, Kristin Finger, Sean Roach, Fred Siegel, Brian McCann, Joe Sabatino, Josh Rubinstein, David Dritsas, Danna Young, Chip Chantry, and Olivia Roth.

My undying gratitude to all of the people who lent technical support for live shows: Dave, Kristin, Don, Josh Holober-Ward, Andrea Kellner, Lauren "Blaze" Mehalik, Kathleen Sheehy, Emily Zargan, and especially Tim Scepansky, who hung in there with us for our Facebook live episode.

Also, a huge thanks to each and every person who has ever taken time out of their lives to listen to a single episode. There is so much you could do with your time, so choosing to listen to us talk about everything from making toy guns out of tampons, to selling Mummers albums in the freezing cold, makes us extremely grateful.

Finally, all of my love to my fellow podcasters Eoin O'Shea, Jessie Preisendorfer, and of course the hostest with the mostest, Steve Roney. What an honor to have been part of these 100 episodes with you three amazingly funny human beings. I don't know what's next, but look forward to all the laughs along the way as we figure it out.

"Now ring that bell..."

DING DING DING.

PresiDIDN'Ts

As I write this, the government has been shut down for 17 days, 6 hours, 49 minutes, and 11 seconds. So almost 15 days longer than Britney Spears marriage to Jason Alexander...

Not THAT Jason Alexander!

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On Friday January 4th, Donald Trump addressed the flowers in the Rose Garden. Luckily, some reporters were on hand to document his crazed ramblings, including the following in regards to his mythical wall:

This is national security we’re talking about. We’re not talking about games. We’re talking about national security. This should have been done by all of the Presidents that preceded me. And they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it.

So a few quick things.

First of all, before you think I have misquoted him in anyway. THIS excerpt was taken directly from the White House's own website.

Second, let's not speak so confidentially about there NOT being a "National Security" game. After all, there are a few.

There's Homeland, the board game. For when you have absolutely nothing else in your life.

There's the Homeland Defense: National Security Patrol video games for teens who have yet to discover that there's porn to be found on the computer.

And finally there's the original National Security game, Risk. A game about global domination appropriate for ages 10-Despot.

Third and lastly, the reason I brought you all here, is to discuss the last line in the quote above, in which Mr, Trump says, "Some of them have told me that we should have done it." Referring to the fact that some of "the Presidents that preceded me," have told Trump that their administration should have built a wall.

Here's the issue: When you refer to abstract things IN the abstract, they are pretty hard to fact check "We need a wall, believe me!" But when you refer to concrete things (get it, walls are made of concrete) in the abstract, they are rather easily researchable.

Presidents Carter, W. Bush, Clinton, and Obama have all commented, through spokespeople, that they NEVER discussed the wall with the current President.

President HW Bush couldn't be reached for comment, because he's dead.
Though those close to him revealed that in his failing health during the Trump Presidency ("failing health" and "Trump Presidency" are synonyms.),  HW and Trump never had any substantive conversations.

A few of the former Presidents, including Carter, have also included their opinions regarding the wall in the exact opposite of Trump's claim.

Which leads me to the following...does this man, who cares very little of history or facts at all, think that most people were once the President?

Or, and this is where I'm leaning, did he in fact talk to a man who used to be president, and also a client, Sy Sperling?

I mean...we KNOW they've had at least ONE conversation before. Perhaps in that conversation more than one thing "came to a head."

If Your First Name is an Adjective, Watch Your Ass!

Mean Gene Okerlund and Super Dave Osbourne both passed away today.

If your first name happens to be an adjective, watch your ass! 2019 looks to be a spiteful bitch!

Also, someone get Weird Al Yankovic to a secured location!

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EDITED:
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After this blog "went to press," Daryl Dragon, better known as "Captain" in the power duo, Captain and Tennille passed away. Similar to Mean Gene & Super Dave, Captain was 76 years old.

Two questions loom:

1. What is happening to 76 year olds?
2. Why would you drop the name Dragon to be called Captain.

Also, "Captain" isn't typically considered an adjective, unless you're a "captain of industry." Which, of course, Dragon was.

#Whamageddon

First, let me start by saying, I like Wham, George Michael, and yes, even the Christmas song "Last Christmas."

So, what is Whamageddon you might be asking...but if you're on Facebook you probably already know whether you're playing or friends of yours are playing.

The more complex explanation can be found here: https://www.whamageddon.com/

Though the quick explanation is simply, "try to avoid hearing 'Last Christmas' until Christmas Day."

There are some rules:

So the first rule about Fight Club...er Whamageddon is just don't hear the song. It's the gist of the whole game.

Rule number two, is the time frame of the game. All of December up until the moment Christmas actually hits. Which, if you happen to be driving through time zones, could affect you. So be vigilant. Like when feeding Gremlins.

The third rule is it has to be the original version by Wham. If you hear, say Taylor Swift's version, you're in the clear (though some might argue otherwise...for the record, I also like Taylor Swift AND her version of the song).

And finally you're out the second you recognize the song.

Easy right?

NOTE that there is a "suggested" rule of sorts, but kinda/not really. Basically, "Don't Be A Dick." BUT I hold fast to the idea, BE WHO YOU ARE! Therefore, if you were a dick before Whamageddon, you're free to be a dick DURING Whamageddon.

So this is how I was a dick during Whamageddon...(kinda/not really)

First, almost the entirety of ComedySportz Philadelphia was playing. Our Executive Director & Player, Don Montrey suggested the game to the whole company. Many jumped onboard. Don himself, was eliminated on DAY #1! When he walked into a Starbucks to get a coffee and the song was playing.

Immediately we were all on high alert. Originally I opted to play quiet and just try to make it through. But then I talked to my friend Danna, who accidentally eliminated herself with a mix she had previously made. Danna had suggested she wanted to knock people out. To which many people told her that was against the rules. I confirmed that it in fact was NOT against the rules, and then completely changed my strategy. My goal...be the last person standing!

So, after confirming he was not playing, I had my co-worker, Sergio change my out going message on my cell phone. Wham's hit (was it a hit) would now play for every sales call, every wrong number, and yes every person who called after I texted them "Hey can you call me when you get a chance? It's not important."

YES! I planned to ambush people by asking them to call me, and thus knocking themselves out.

Here's the slight snag. Sergio himself is an ACE prankster. Many an employee sits ion their chair to trigger an airhorn at our work. And by many, I mean one employee, Joe. Sergio loves to torture Joe. And everyone loves when Sergio tortures Joe.

But I digress...

First, I texted Danna (whom I have already mentioned). I knew she was already eliminated, but wanted to have a control subject in this experiment. This somewhat backfired as Danna immediately when to our private ComedySportzs FB group and revealed my plan. I had hoped this net might snare 4 or 5 people, but in the end it caught no one. Thanks Danna!

It almost got Alan, who I had also texted to call me. Alan is an extremely busy individual who also is incredibly nice. He texted me back and said, it'll be a little while before he could call. I got excited. I told him it was fine, no rush. He texted me again

Pool Hopping

Like many parents this time of year, Julie and I have been juggling the end of camp vs the beginning of the new school year.

Wisely, of course, Julie scheduled our vacation for the first week after Summer Camp ended. This was a terrific idea. However, since we still had another week and a half to deal with before Kit went back to school, we've been trading days off.

Yesterday, Kit and I started the day with a quiet breakfast at one of our favorite places, Frankie's on Fairview.

Just a daddy and daughter outing...

...and a couple of dolls.

We had no other plans other than to do some back-to-school shopping. But That's when I saw a sign (on the TV in the previous photo):

OF COURSE!

The Summer was coming to an end. We had to do something fun! Something epic! Something we'd remember well into Winter. 

We had to enact Operation Finale! AKA, we had to go Pool Hopping!

Now look, before you think I am going to coax a 4 year old into trespassing in the backyards of strangers, know this - *"Pool Hopping," as described in the film The Swimmer with Burt Lancaster, is hopping from pool to pool regardless of whether or not you know the owner of said water hole.

Therefore, I decided to take Kit to "friendly" pools of people we already know...completely unannounced.

#1 - My Aunt Lauren & Uncle Joe's Pool:

This was a no brainer to start with. It's on the way from my house to my parent's, and as luck would have it, my Mom happened to be there. My Aunt Lauren laughed at the idea and of course welcomed us to jump in the pool.

My Uncle Joe gave me a bunch of hot peppers (he gets it!), so clearly he didn't mind the mid week intrusion.

Operation Finale off to a great start!

#2 - My Aunt Jane & Uncle Lou's Pool:

Jane & Lou are some of my family's oldest friends. They have been my parent's neighbors since we moved into the house in 1977. I knew they wouldn't mind if we crashed their pool.

They didn't.

I mean, no hot peppers or anything, but they sat outside with us while we took our uninvited swim...

...then invited us back any time, so I guess it was kind of an invited after the fact swim.



#3 - My Mom & Dad's Pool:

I mean, of course we were going to swim at Grammy & Pop-Pop's. That's a given! But still, unannounced...unless you count the fact that I called my Mom earlier, which is how I found out she was going to be at my Aunt Lauren's house.

Still...number three!

#4 The YMCA

Okay. Yes! In fairness, I have a membership and can go whenever I want, BUT what happens if the family pool has been drained for the annual end of season cleaning?

Then you go in the BIG pool...unannounced!

Count it!

That's four pools in one day! AND we didn't even plan to do it until almost 1pm.

So now what?

I told Kit, "We did four pools in a day!" Then I asked, "How many pools do you want to try and do next summer?" Her answer... FIVE POOLS!

With proper training, I think we can do it.

In fact, my plan is to attempt TEN pools in one day.

"Piece of cake," you're thinking. Yes. But again, I'm doing this with a 4...er by then, a 5 year old. So, ten pools is quite ambitious.

If you have a pool, we'd love to jump in it for a few minutes. If your aunt Genie has a pool and it's cool that we jump in that...we're in! If a college roommate you haven't spoken to in 11 years "might have one," we'll pass. We're looking for the sure thing.

Be on the look out for these two pool hoppers next summer - Saturday, June 8th 2019.

We'll bring our own towels!

(*They 100% never define "pool hopping" as described above in The Swimmer. But I figure no one but Brendan Carr has ever seen it, so I'm pretty safe!)

Five Ostrich Facts You Need To Know

Five Ostrich Facts You Need To Know

Ostriches are the largest bird in the world. Their numbers have steeply declined over the past 200 years for various reasons, but mostly because humans have used their feathers, meat, and skin for their own shitty needs.

Here are five facts about ostriches you probably didn't know:

1. Contrary to what you may have learned from cartoons and other reliable sources, ostriches do not actually bury their heads in the sand.

What they do is lay their head low to the ground as a defense mechanism making themselves less visible for predators. Since their plumage camouflages so well with the sandy soil they typically live in, it gives the appearance of burying their head in the sand.

"Is this guy fucking serious?"

2. Ostriches who are exceptionally fast, will typically run away when threatened. However, their long powerful legs are quite dangerous weapons in a fight. They have been known to kill humans, lions, and a sensei or two who thinks mocking a bird is wise.

Maybe Mr. Miyagi was doing an "Ostrich" technique in the Karate Kid, but producers thought Cranes were more regal. Regardless, YOU should go watch the YouTube original series: Cobra Kai. It's fantastic! ("Look eye, always look eye!")

3. According to www. onekindplanet.org:

"Ostriches perform a complex mating ritual consisting of the cock alternating wing beats until he attracts a mate, when they will go to the mating area and he will drive away all intruders."

I don't have a clue what this sentence means. But I'm fairly certain it infers that ostriches have "alternating cocks." In theory, I have alternating eye glasses, but really only use my second pair as a spare. So I guess that's kind of similar. 

It would be kinda cool to have a fancy cock for formal gatherings and a casual cock for sitting around the house.

This guy just cums smugness.

4. Paul Manafort has a $15,000 ostrich jacket.

As if you needed another reason to hate this asshole.

5. This picture of Bill Cosby from Leonard Part 6 looks like he's fucking an ostrich. Which, based on his track record, is entirely possible.

Hey! I just realized Manafort and Cosby are alternating cocks. So this piece has come full circle!

DONATE:

If you happen to have a few extra dollars, why not help with the conservation of ostriches by making a donation to The African Wildlife Foundation?

You can click on the highlighted name above OR go to www.awf.org/donate.