Batman vs. Superman (Because Everyone Else Has Written About It)

Batman vs. Superman is currently running at a 29% rating on Rotten Tomato. Most of the reviews are blustering assholes who like to hear themselves speak. You can tell because the first three reviews splatter words like modicum, operatic, and derivative with int the first few words of the review...a review about an indestructible guy would can fly and a billionaire who can kick the ass of the indestructible guy who can fly.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I hated Batman vs. Superman, but I also wouldn't say I loved it.

The runtime felt about 40 minutes too long. If you took out Zach Snyder's overused slo-motion trademarks shots, you could probably chop an easy 20 minutes from the film. That way, by the time the BIG BAD shows up at the film's end, you're not clock watching wonder how much longer this thing is.

Ben Affleck is the strongest part of the film. His performance is a a great Batman/Bruce split. Pretty much what I expected from him.

And though I think I understood what Snyder wanted to convey with Superman, I don't feel he pulled it off. I think Henry Cavell is serviceable as Supes, but he's a rather crappy Clark Kent. I grew up with Christopher Reeve who had perfected the duality of the role. I felt Cavell's loneliness of being an alien, but I never felt his wanting to belong amongst the people he protects, other than Lois Lane. Who is almost always terribly written, as she is in this film.

Jeremy Irons is pretty much wasted, but since this wasn't an actual Batman film, I can easily see past that. Although that being said, they sure were able to work in the old "kill the parents" origin. If you have a sexual fetish for seeing Bruce Wayne's parents killed in film, there sure is a lot of "porn" for you to choose from. I truly believe there will come a day when all filmmakers will get their turn at killing Thomas & Martha off.

Gal Gadot was excellent as Wonder Woman. I'm not sure what an entire film for WW would look like, but we're going to find out.

SPOILER (kind of): I definitely felt the Justice League reveals were forced and didn't really add to my enjoyment of the film. The kids in the theater liked seeing the Flash, so I'll leave it at that. Though they all questioned who Cyborg was.

Finally, to me, Jessie Eisenberg as Lex Luthor was the weakest part of the film. I admit I was also likely jaded going into it, as he's been a bit aloof in interviews towards the entire genre, which makes me question why he'd do the role in the first place. But he seemed to be playing a mix between Heath Ledger's Joker and David Tennant's Barty Crouch Jr in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. Stop licking your lips, dude!

Overall, I wouldn't demand my time or money back after seeing this film (though if the technology for either is in place, you should share that with me).

I'm not putting the blame on Snyder, but I do not feel that DC has an overall grasp of their story arc the way Marvel does.

I'll leave you with this:  Lex Luthor continually refers to someone who is "coming." My guess would be Darkseid. Which could potentially be awesome...

Ten Dollar Joke

First let me say, I have donated money to Omaze in the past. I think they are a great organization who partners with some pretty cool celebrities to help raise money for various causes.

Because I have donated, I have been receiving emails lately asking me to donate for a chance to walk the red carpet at the upcoming Batman Vs. Superman opening. I have been rather vocal about my lack of excitement for this film.

Not because I am against Ben Affleck as Batman/Bruce Wayne. I actually think he'll do an excellent job.

Not because I am against Henry Cavill as Superman/Clark Kent. I enjoyed his performance as the last son of Krypton in the last film, though I found the film itself to be a bit of a disappointment.

And not because I am against Zach Snyder directing. I think he's a capable director, though have found more than a few of his films to be lackluster.

But more so because I feel DC Comics, in conjunction with Warner Brothers, has done a terrible job managing its properties. I could go on and on about how much Marvel has done in comparison, but that's not really the point here. 

So yesterday, after receiving an email with the above photo, I couldn't help but editing it slightly and tweeting this photo:

Also, in a moment of dickishness, I replied to the email with the photo attached and a message simply reading:

I fixed it for you.

And then promptly forgot about it...until I received the following email from Hayden C at Omaze:

It reads:

Hayden C (Omaze)

Mar 14, 15:38

Hi Kevin,

Thanks so much for reaching back out to us here at Omaze. I see what you did there! (In my opinion, 48 Hours was truly a seminal moment for the buddy cop genre and Eddie Murphy's nascent film career. It's vastly underrated).

We sent the email you received on behalf of Henry Cavill to update and inform you about our awesome Batman v. Superman experience that closes tomorrow. Please feel free to check out all the details here! The donation will get you a chance at going to the premiere, while also making a vital impact on Eastern Congo Initiative, the SEED project, and Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust (all charities hand-picked by Batman, Superman, and Lex Luthor)

You are of course more than welcome to reach out with any questions or comments-we are always here and happy to help!

Cheers,
Hayden

So what did I do after that? You can be damn certain I donated! A mere $10, but only because I'm low on funds at the moment. Not too low however, to appreciate Hayden's email back to me. If I could afford it, I was going to send $48.00, just because...

My donation will go to help fund the Eastern Congo Initiative, the SEED Project and the Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust.

And what happens if I should win that walk down the red carpet? I honestly don't know. 

The Campaign closes tomorrow March 16th. They announce the winner on March 18th for the red carpet event on March 20th. Perhaps I'll see if Hayden wants to go. After all, I wouldn't have sent the money had he not written back.

This is the second time this week I donated money after a "bit" and it's only Tuesday! The previous one involved watching the heart wrenching Sarah McLachlan ASPCA video about 10 times for research on a video I was making. That ultimately cost me $25.00 and about a pound of tears.

I'll stick to Drumpf jokes through the weekend. Because no matter how bad I feel, that fucker ain't getting any of my money!

Mexican or Italian

Here's my take on this:

Sanders & Clinton are like Mexican food and Italian food. Yes, they're different. And there are things I like about each more than the other, but in the end they're still food and I won't go to bed hungry as long as I have one of them.

My other option seems to be eating a steaming pile of shit, and if it's all the same to you, I'd prefer Mexican or Italian.

Album vs. Record vs. Song (A Rock N' Roll 3-Way)

If I say "Grammy" which one of these comes to mind for you:

Technically, they ALL are, but I'm talking about the Grammy Award.

The other night was the 1 millionth Grammy Awards (give or take a few 100,000 or so). And the winners went something like this:

Album of the Year: Taylor Swift, 1989
Record of the Year: Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars, "Uptown Funk"
Song of the Year: Ed Sheeran, "Thinking Out Loud"

Which got me thinking, what the hell is the difference between an Album, a Record, and a Song?

Aren't an Album and Record the same thing? Normally I reserve the title "record" for a vinyl recording of a band's album. Thus a "record player." You don't say an "album player" unless you're having a stroke.

However, I could see the argument for an "album" also referring to a band's newest recording (sans stroke).

In this modern music world where hit songs are starting to drop without the need for an entire album (1950s anyone), I could also see the argument for calling a "song" a record. After all, it is recorded.

So, what are the differences in the eyes of The Grammy's them self?

Song of the Year is a songwriter's award.

It rewards the songwriter for a song released (or that "first achieved prominence") during the past eligibility year.

Record of the Year rewards a song's performance and production.

It recognizes the artist, the producers, and the recording engineers and mixers.

Both Song of the Year and Record of the Year reward individual songs, but they recognize different aspects of the song making process.

Album of the Year, like Record of the Year, is both a performance and production award that goes to the artist and the album's producer and recording engineer for the entire Album.

Therefore, you could pick up this "Album" on "Record," because you like 1 "Song" on it or you could do what I did, and watch Better Call Saul instead.

Want $232,000? Become an Actor (Preferably a Good One)

How long will it take you to make $232,000?

According to MyBudget360.com, taking information gathered from the Census, Social Security Dept, and the Internal Revenue Service, the median wage in the US per person is $26,695.

That is approximately $513.37 per week (I rounded up because you deserve a raise).

That means it would take 452 weeks for you to make $232,000 or just under nine years.

This is all important to keep in mind while you watch the Oscar telecast on Sunday February 28^th.  According to The Hollywood Reporter, every nominee this year is receiving a “gift basket,” which is worth, you guessed it, $232,000.

Now sure, you could become enraged at the idea of these, “all-ready-well-paid-individuals” receiving such an elaborate gift for nothing more than “acting while white," but you’d be wrong...the Directors get them as well.

Maybe we should examine the contents of the basket before judging the recipients so harshly.

*It should be noted that these baskets are NOT actually from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, but instead from a Los Angeles based niche marketing company called Distinctive Assets. Of course they’d want their client’s wares in the hands of the Hollywood elite.

So what are these wares you ask?

How about Vampire Breast Lifts 

I feel like a comma is needed in the phrase “Vampire Breast Lifts”…perhaps 2 or 3.

Of the 25 nominees, 15 of them likely don’t need these, though Eddie Redmayne could have used them “pre nomination.”

(Value: $1,900 which breaks down to $950 a boob)

Haze Dual V3 Vaporizers 

Because receiving this gift basket didn’t make you a big enough of a douche bag.

(Value $249.99)

My M&M’s Personalized Chocolate Candies

After all, those little heart candies taste like a piece of caulk’s asshole.

(Value $300)

A Year Supply of Fully-Loaded Audi A4 Rentals From Silvercar

If DiCaprio loses (again), maybe he can test the waters of Uber driving.

(Value: $45,000)

Walking Tour of Japan For Up To 15 days

 (Value $54,000)

10 Day All Expenses Paid Trip To Israel

This includes (but likely is not limited to) 

• first class airfare
• five-star hotel accommodations
• private security escort. 

That last perk is sweet, usually security is BYO. 

(Value $55,000)

3-Day Stay At Golden Door Resort & Spa in San Marcos, CA

3 days only? I guess you have to find somewhere else to go at night...maybe Italy.

(Value $4,800)

3-Night Stay At The Grand Hotel Excesior Vittoria in Sorrento, Italy 

Occupant must provide their own security...presumably. But at least you get to stay here at night.

(Value $5,000)

3-Night Stay At The Grand Hotel Tremezzo in Lake Como

Oh, a pool!

(Value $5,000)

Jesus, that's a lot of places. Let’s just put a picture of the earth from the International Space Station.

 (Value of this view = Priceless)

*The Space Station isn’t a vacation destination this year, but hey…maybe next year (the DiCaprio mantra)

Lifetime Supply of Lizora All-In-One Pu-erh Tea Inspired Skin Nourishment

Not sure how they determined the value of this one. I mean, Saoirse Ronan is a mere 21 years old while Sly Stallone is like 142. While I agree his skin is in desperate need of this nourishment, he could only possibly live another 20 or 30 years. Ronan is likely to go another 150 based on my math.

(Value $31,200)

Caolion Pore Care Sets and Dr. Jane 360’s Proprietary Healing Saint Hair Follicle Stimulant and Halo (*That's a lot of words!)

I don’t have a fucking clue what this is, but when I Googled it a picture of David Bowie came up, so we’ll assume they’re his ashes.

(Value $134)

Purely For Pets’ Charity Opportunity To Provide 10,000 Meal Donations (made in a nominees name to an animal shelter or rescue of their choice).

You pick the charity, but you don’t get to pick the meal. Personally, I’m pulling for spaghetti.

(Value $6,300)

Personal Training Sessions With Celebrity Trainer Alexis Seletzky

Presumably one of the two people pictured below. Not sure what he/she trains you to do. I hope magic!

(Value $900)

Belldini Women’s Apparel

Because no one knows fashion like Roberto Benigni.

Oh it's Belldini? Whatever.

(Value $300+ you had me at “+” - Life really Is Beautiful)

Chocolatines’ Drunken Fig Cake Bites.

This is the “I forgot to buy you something for Christmas and the only things that was opened was the gas station by the Hooters” gift.

(Value $35)

Dandi Patch Underarm Sweat Patch

1.       Buy deodorant

2.       This looks a bit too much like the Rosetta Stone packaging

3.       If by using this you learn to speak another language from the info seeping into your skin, you should charge more than $21 for it!

(Value $21)

Delovery Personalized Luxury Gift Baskets

THERE’s A GIFT BASKET IN YOUR GIFT BASKET? Are these like Russian Nesting Dolls?

(Value $2,000)

Farm Wife Style Druzy Earrings

Subtle. Not to flashy. You don’t want to take away from the focus of your Vampire Boobs.

(Value $25)

The Ultimate Fitness Package From Fit Club TV: Live in Fitness VIP Retreat + Fit Culture Fuel Performance

WHOA! The “ultimate” fitness package? Then what the fuck do I need Alexis Seletzky for? He better be teaching me magic!
The first rule about Fit Club, do NOT talk about Fit Club (or how expensive it is!)

(Value $6,250)

Supplements + Fit Culture Threads Designer Workout Apparel

So you’re saying drugs and crazy clothes? Is this a trip to the 80s?

(Value = It’s the 80s. It’s only valuable to those who didn’t live through it)

Gleener On The Go Smart Fabric Care Solutions

Oh sweet. A gift for “the Help.”

(Value $11.99) 

Greenhill Winery & Vineyards Blanc de Blancs

Wine connoisseurs agree, it’s the perfect wine with personalized M&M’s.

(Value $39)

Harriet’s Cheesecakes

I found this on the Hollywood Reporter list, but NOT on the Town & Country list, leading me to believe it’s actually someone named Harriet’s cheesecake. You stole Batman’s Aunt Harriet’s cheesecake!

(Value = it was VERY valuable to Harriet you prick) 

Hydroxycut Gummies

As if the Hollywood elite need diet supplements. They all have eating disorders!

(Value $19.88)

Full Kitchen Sweep and Workout Program with Fitness Expert Jay Cardiello

WAIT! Jay Cardiello is going to come to my house and make my junk food disappear? Fuck Alexis Seletzky, Jay Cardiello is REAL magic!

(Value $1,400)

AND HE CAN FUCKING FLY!

Joseph’s Toiletries "The Welcomer" Gift Box

Various outlets report this is toilet paper. Which means this should be “The Fareweller” Gift Box.

(Value $270) 

Lat & Lo Customized Sterling Silver Necklaces

They even customize the latitude and longitude for you. Might I suggest 13.9500 S, 33.7000 E. No it’s not your Lexus Dealer’s vacation home to silly goose, it’s the country of Malawi. Considered to be the poorest country in the world with a GDP per capita of $226.50, which is slightly less than the toilet paper in this basket.

(Value $150)

Memobottle Slim Reusable Water Bottles

Thin bottles for your diet water. AND they’re reusable, which is pointless seeing as you wouldn’t wipe your ass with anything under $270.

(Value $47)

Mezcal el Silencio

They come in black and white, unlike this years nominees.

(Value $75.00)

Mission1 Clean Protein Bars

This one actually fell in the basket accidentally. It was what the Chinese slave laborer was eating while filling the gift basket. Yours now!

(Value $5.64)

Nuelle Fiera Arouser For Her

Looks like a new high-tech mouse. I guess a guy could use it, but it’s marketed to women, so ladies, go ahead and click your mouse.

(Value $250)

Phantom Glass iPhone Screen Protector

“But I have an Android!” Exclaimed perennial Oscar loser Leonardo DiCaprio.

(Value $49.95-$59.95)

Purely Inspired Organic Protein

Did anyone else assume “organic protein” was semen? And “purely inspired” means with straight from the memory banks, no P.A. (“porn assistance”). Christ, even the ad looks like the guy just jerked off.

(Value $19.97)

Rouge Maple Gourmet Fine Foods

This is the gift your whole office went in on this Christmas for your boss. The one you gave $20 towards and thought, “What’s Rouge Maple Gourmet Fine Foods?”

(Value $99)

Sedona Lace Synthetic Vortex Brush Set

These brushes are some of the finest brushes money can’t buy (because they are being given to you). Also, trade secret, each brush head is a different hair style as worn by Lady Gaga over the years at The Grammy’s.

(Value $109.95)

Ultra Premium Signature Vodka

Booze. I recommend it during the Costume Designer’s acceptance speech.

(Value $70)

Slimware Portion-Control Plates

Look, we’re all getting concerned Bryan Cranston. It’s called portion control. Seconds and Thirds aren’t necessary. Totally kidding. Heisenberg can have the whole goddamn buffet!

(Value $29.95)

Steamist Total Sense Home Spa Collection

No idea. I assume it’s a shower.

(Value $5,060)

SunDial Powder Coating

This is potentially the strange of all items in the lot. I guess you can have things painted? They should have added a $20 off coupon for you next gutter cleaning (print out this blog and use it the one attached)

(Value $500 or $20 depending on which one we’re referring to)

Tools by Gina Pure Infrared Professional Hair Styling Tools (Blow Dryers & Flatirons)

For all your Barbershop needs, By Gina…I mean BYE GINA!

(Value $250)

A Concierge Tribute

This one is disputed by various sources. Some have called it a “Tribute Video,” which might be all of the Hunger Games DVDs signed by Jennifer Lawrence (at least 1 nominee doesn’t need them)

(Value $125)

Zekkle Edge Metal Front Pocket Wallet

A wallet, just in case we over stuffed your previous one.

(Value $125)

740 Park MD Ultherapy

So…plastic surgery. Old school.

(Value $5,530)

So just remember, it doesn’t matter who takes home the trophy, everybody is a winner! Except for black people, who were not nominated.

I thank THR for the list of the items in the basket, Town & Country for the value amounts, and Google images for all the photos of this expensive crap.