"Bad Boys" - By Inner Circle (AKA - The COPS Theme Song)

While in the shower this morning, I was thinking about the TV show COPS. Specifically the theme song by Inner Circle.

Bad boys, bad boys
What'cha gonna do?
What'cha gonna do when they come for you?

It got me wondering...

Who are the "Bad Boys" in this scenario? 

Not THESE Bad Boys...

Now, if you listen to the WHOLE song, the first verse speaks of "when Sheriff John Brown comes for you". So in that version, we know that the "Bad Boys" are those who are going to be caught by the "authority figures" (ie, Sheriff John Brown). However, the COPS TV theme show version, omits that first verse, thus changing around the meaning quite a bit.

There are two groups of people, "Bad Boys" might be referencing:

1. You could argue the "Bad Boys" are the COPS themselves. Not meant as an indictment towards the current strained climate between the police and various communities, but rather "Bad" in the Michael Jackson sense...(though one could make the argument, that "Bad" when referring to Michael Jackson is an indictment of his behavior towards children, but that's a WHOLE other blog). In essence, these guys are "Bad Asses!"

Michael Jackson's "Bad"

Michael Jackson is BAD!

2. More likely, the "Bad Boys" are the criminal element, the lifeblood of the program. Without them, the show is just the "COPS" driving around helping people with flat tires. In that situation, there'd be NO "Bad Boys," except maybe a "Bad" Pep Boys that sold you shitty tires.
(EDIT: ALL Pep Boys are BAD Pep Boys).
But that would warrant a totally different theme song.

Old Pep Boys commercial combined with Atenpallas version of "Bad Boys"

 - But here's a sub-question for #2. IF the "Bad Boys" in question are the PERPS, than who is the "What'cha gonna do when they come for you?" being addressed to?

a. It would seem this question is for the "Bad Boys" themselves. Which would indicate the "they" that is "coming for you" are the police. BUT there might be another, more ominous meaning...

b. It's possible, that the question "What'cha gonna do when they come for you?" is actually being asked of the general public. "Omar's coming!" 
Look, there's an element that's coming to get you! (this is FoxNew's business model)
The only thing that can stop that element from GETTING you, is the COPS. Well, them and a kick ass Inner Circle song.

This is the type of stuff I think about when I'm in the shower.

Elvis, And The Colonel

LISTEN TO EPISODE 3 OF "ELVIS, AND" HERE!!!

If you've been listening to the Elvis, And (you haven't, I track the numbers), this one is slightly different. Elvis himself doesn't show up until 20+ minutes into it. That's a first for us!

Instead we track the rise of, soon to be Elvis manager, Col. Tom Parker. Parker was a colorful character, who as Brendan points out in the opening monologue, may have killed a man (like Ty Cobb...only Cobb DEFINITELY killed a man!)

Parker manipulated Elvis (not unlike the rest of E's "hangers on") but the difference was his "friends" didn't want to suck him dry, while The Colonel did just that! It's a widely held belief among Elvisphiles that the Colonel was a contributing factor to putting Elvis in an early grave (well, and the drugs).

We don't go nearly this dark in the episode, but if you've got the time, give it a listen.
AND if you like it, please share it...and who knows, maybe leave us a review?

#ShareACoke Day 1

The Elvis, And - Podcast

When I was writing The Clink, a web series I wrote with Brendan Carr, Joel Rickenbach, Jim Burns, and occasionally Andrew Mitchell, Brendan would often regale us with entertaining stories about Elvis Presley.

Brendan had been a guest star on a previous web series I produced with Joel called The League. 
Editor's Note: Brendan is the Magician

That's when I found out that he and I shared a common love for the King of Rock and Roll...it's rather obvious Brendan is a fan of 50s music, because he looks like he probably rolled with Carl Perkins and the like.


Each week we'd all coax Brendan into sharing a new twisted tale to ease us into our writing sessions.

Joel and I had been doing a podcast called "You've Got Geek On You" (an homage to Shaun of the Dead's, "You've got red on you, did you know that?") The show has since been shortened to simply "You've Got Geek." We asked Brendan to join the podcast because of his unique voice and veracious love of ALL things "Geek."

Week after week, long after The Clink had wrapped, Brendan and I would recount various strange Elvis stories. We'd talk about doing a special "You've Got Geek" episode or maybe even a podcast of it's own, specifically about the man we called, "E."

Things got busy, life got crazy and my short sabbatical from the podcast turned into 2 years.

Then, last fall, Brendan and I went out for drinks. We discussed the podcast and talked of structuring it like an Improv montage. (Brendan had turned my on to MANY character driven Improv podcasts such as Comedy Bang Bang and Superego). This would almost be a homage to those podcasts...or, Elvis willing, a podcast to sit among my favorite shows on iTunes.

I recruited various comedian/actors to come play the parts. 

The first person I thought of, was Lew Indellini. We had done a play together in early 2014 (immediately following the birth of my daughter). The late night rehearsals, where I was sitting in a corner learning my lines while missing my wife and daughter who were at home, were made easier in meeting Lew and finding out (among other things) that he too was a HUGE fan of podcasts such as Superego. When it came time to cast "Elvis, And" I knew I wanted him on board.
*Editor's Note: He was also once my parents-in-law's mail carrier!

Then, Adam Wahlberg. Adam and I had done various shows, including "Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson," as well as an original musical I wrote with Joe Trainor (of "The Joe Trainor Trio" fame) called, "On The Air." We also did a murder mystery dinner together that was maybe the most amazing, punk rock, murder mystery that ever was! We toyed with doing a web series based on those characters, which I haven't ruled out. Adam also helps me with my "day job." He's been in front of the camera for A LOT of safety reg videos. So of course he's gotta be part of my Memphis Mafia!

Jim McCabe. I have known, "The Voice" since I was 6 years old. In our first meeting, Brendan said, "McCabe for the Colonel, right?" You're goddamn right! Jim also jumped in to do some gratis VO work. I hate asking friends to ply their trades for no payment. But Jim was happy to do it, and even offered to do far more.

Rounding out the cast for season 1 is one of my fellow ComedySportz players, Steve Roney. Steve and I had been working on another project, and when I mentioned "Elvis, And" he said, "Oh that sounds fun." I asked if he'd be interested in doing it and the next thing I knew a microphone was in front of him. Perfect.

Finally, though not a cast member (yet), his presences is felt in EVERY episode, Matt Casarino. He, along with Jill Knapp, provide the rocking rockabilly back bone that is the music of the entire series. From the theme song to the transition music between scenes, Matt was only too gracious to take on every weird (Elvislike) request I had. We now own a monkey together. Seriously, Matt & Jill are a FORCE in the band Hot Breakfast (HOT BREAKFAST!) If you haven't and can, SEE THEM LIVE!

So here we are. The first episode of what I hope will be a fun monthly show for people to enjoy. Episodes are approximately 30 minutes in length. Maybe they help ease a part of your commute during the month. Or give you a laugh while taking a walk on the weekend. Or even just allow you some much needed humor as you unwind at the end of the day.

Taking the Improv tenet of "Yes, And..." and adding a pair of side burns to it, here is the monthly podcast, "Elvis, And." 

Look for new episodes the first of the month through February 2016.

CLICK HERE for Episode 1: "Elvis, And Scatter"

Nebraska vs, Homosexuals (not a WWE match)

On May 1^st, 2015, a 66 year old Nebraskan woman, named Sylvia Driskell, filed a federal lawsuit in the U.S. District Court of Omaha.

The suit, which is seven pages of hand written gold, asks, “Is homosexuality a sin, or not a sin?”

Citing herself as the plaintiff, she claims to be an ambassador for both God and his son, Jesus Christ. The defendants are homosexuals (listed as “their given name, homosexuals”) as well as their alias, spelled “Alis”, “Gay.”

In making her argument, she quotes the King James Version of the ever popular “God Hates Fags” book of Leviticus:

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

A few things about this actual line of dialogue before I move on…

First, Leviticus is largely believed to be a collection of speeches God made to Moses. Moses had been int he desert for 40 years and was fast approaching the end of his 120 year life...so, probably not the ideal stenographer. in fact, Moses's younger brother, Aaron would have been a better candidate to record the "word of the Lord." BUT, according to the Bible, Moses stripper his brother of his "priestly garments" in quite the "cunty" manner (that last part was mine, not the Bible).

Aaron would die on Mount Hor according to the book of Numbers…or he’d die at Moseroth as recorded in Deuteronomy. Two totally different places that have “significant distances” between them according to Fredric J. McCurdy’s succinctly titled, The JewishEncyclopedia: A Descriptive Record of the History, Religion, Literature, andCustoms of the Jewish People from Earliest Times: Complete in Twelve Volumes.

But hey, why quibble over the vast inaccuracies in the Bible?

Second, as mentioned, Moses was old and presumably tired. He even wrote “it is abomination” not “it is AN abomination.” This would infer, there is NOTHING ELSE one could do that is an abomination, just gay sex or literally to “lie with mankind.” This warning not to “lie with mankind.” could be God railing against “hoodwinking” your fellow man (which, let’s be honest, probably means to do something with one’s penis according to Urban Dictionary)

Yet still, Moses, before stripping his brother (which is a bit hom-ish, itself), may have been pissed off because Aaron was NEVER around to do Moses’ bidding. He was younger and thus more virile. So it could be assumed by scholars and pervs alike that Aaron was out banging women…and perhaps even men.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

Also, if that colon is a typo caused by a 120 year old's "dim eye (YES< I know Deuteronomy says, "his eye was not dim." However we already saw the conflicts that book had with Numbers, so how accurate is it?), then it actually means you shouldn't lie with men OR women. SO I submit two thoughts here:

1.    (lie = fucking) God was looking to create a pre Clive Owen, Children of Men situation of NO MORE PEOPLE being produced!

2.    (lie = bear false witness), God really meant, “stop lying you motherfuckers!”
As in, “WHOA! What’s with all of these wars being fought in my name here guys? You get that mine is a message of peace and love, right?”

But, I digress…back to Nebraska.

Here’s my concern in regards to this young lady’s suit (young compared to old man Moses).

She’s naming ALL homosexuals in this suit, and presumably, ALL homosexual activity. Does this include the fellow who is NOT a homosexual, and one night he’s surfing the internet (we’ll say proof reading the Bible or something), eventually he finds himself looking at porn. THERE’S SO MUCH OF IT ON THE INTERNET!!!
The porn is going great, when all of the sudden, this NON homosexual has a “Lola Situation” on his hand (or IN it!). Should he stop? Should he click to another video? Should he close the browser all together? Or should he continue, ignoring the hoodwinking that has been thrust upon him?

…er, ah hypothetically, of course!

I have included the actual handwritten petition below.

Before answering her question of, “Is homosexuality a sin, or not a sin?” (It’s not), she really needs to define WHAT homosexuality is.

Speaking of definitions, according to the Urban Dictionary, Hood Winking is "when someone gets slapped in the eye by an uncircumcised penis, followed by dragging motion away from the eye.”

Yep. Nailed it!

How I Saved Bradley Cooper A Couple Of Bucks (Or Some Dude Who Looked Like Him)

Saturday April 11th marked the 9th annual "Logan's Heroes" benefit. Logan's Heroes is a benefit held yearly by my brother Brian and sister-in-law Vicki, in honor of their son Logan (my nephew), who was born and passed away in 2005. 

There are many things to appreciate about the event, but one of the things I have cherished year after year, is not just my buddy Gordon coming out to support the cause, but the fact that he never wins anything in the raffles! It might paint me as a bit of an asshole, but it (not so) secretly would make me extremely happy. It had gotten so bad, he would write "Gordon Regan" on his tickets, thinking either the name would bring him luck, or that "the fix was in" and the surname would help alleviate that. Personally, I think it's falsifying a document, and is probably against the law (I have notified the proper authorities).

Gordon, BEFORE a name was called.

Gordon, AFTER a name was called (not his - Streak still intact)

9 years in, I'm sorry to say, the streak has been broken. And mightily! Not only was the name "Gordon Holmes" read aloud. It was read TWICE! And to make matters worse, Gordon's own fiancée would also walk out a winner (I can assure you, NOT because she's his fiancée...but because her name was also called out in the raffle). 

Look how smug he looks, with all his loot!

THREE things! This can't be!

What did I walk away with? Nothing! Zip! NADA! ZERO!!!

I mean, sure I won a set of Flyers beer glasses. However, we gave them to our friend Jimmy who is a huge Flyers fan. NOT because I am a nice guy, but because as my beautiful wife said, "We have no more room in our cabinets."

So off we went, empty handed.

I put my daughter into her car seat and my wife got in our car. Just then I noticed a young couple had parked at the meter in front of us. Since I already gave away my only winning of the night, I was in a kindhearted mood.

"Hey, did you want my meter? I have like another hour on it," I said to the guy.

"Oh, I just paid," he said turning and looking at me.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S BRADLEY COOPER!!!" I thought loudly.

"Oh, man! That's too bad," a pretty woman said as she exited the driver side of the car. 

"It was only about an hour," I consoled her.

"Every little bit helps, right?" she asked through an adorable Russian accent

"Yep," I said. "Also, Limitless was a supremely underrated movie!" I didn't say.

Off they walked to enjoy the nightlife in Bam Margera's town as I got in the car and turned to my wife saying, "That was totally fucking Bradley Cooper, right???" (We curse a lot)

"I don't fucking think so." (I might be paraphrasing what Julie said)

********************************************

So that's the end of the story,

I may or may not have met Bradley Cooper.
I didn't take home any winnings from the raffle.
Gordon finally broke the streak I had hoped would continue forever.
Jimmy got my glass.
I curse a lot.

THE END,,,

...until this story came out today!!!

Bradley Cooper Goes on a Broadway Date with Model Irina Shayk

The picture in People is TOTALLY the girl who was driving in West Chester a couple weeks ago! 

HELL YES! I'M A WINNER!

Did Gordon meet Bradley Cooper and his GF? Nope! 

Just me baby! 

And Julie (who still maintains it wasn't them). 

Clearly she's wrong. 

Because, "Every little bit helps," INDEED! 

WE DID IT!

These days, the internet is a buzz with people fighting over what color a dress is, needing to know the latest on Kim & Kanye, and whether or not the "new" Ghostbusters will sit when they pee.

I'm glad to see that we solved ALL of the other world problems. Congratulations everyone! We did it!