Preview to PHOTOS of Wrestlemania 29...

This is about 5 minutes after arriving in New Jersey/New York for Wrestlemania 29:

Andrew. 

Kevin, with a brilliant idea.

 Kevin in mid air.

Kevin landing on Andrew.

Perfect weekend.

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Tomorrow night, I'll update with my top 29 photos of Wrestlemania 29 weekend.  

Return To Sender (Get it? It's an Elvis song about mailing shit)

Three things a kid never says they want to be when they grown up:

1. A Maintenance Man
2. An Elvis Impersonator
3. A conspiracy theorist who sends Ricin to The President of the United States of America

Paul Kevin Curtis hit the trifecta as ALL three!

In honor of this BOZO, here's Elvis Presley's REAL T.C.B. Oath:

More self-respect, more respect for fellow man.
Respect for fellow students and instructors.
Respect for all styles and techniques.
Body conditioning, mental conditioning, mediation for calming and stilling of the mind and body.
Sharpen your skills, increase mental awareness, for all those that might choose a new outlook and personal philosophy.
Freedom from constipation.

That last line says it all doesn't it?

"I Have A Bad Feeling About This..."

Ilya Bryzgalov has adopted a kick ass theme to his goalie mask for the Philadelphia Flyers, Star Wars!  And none of that Jar Jar Binks shit either.  We're talking Vader, the Millennium Falcon, R2Ds and Yoda!  There's even at tie fighter dog fight on the front, giving the mask a better storyline than Episodes I, II and III!  

However, Star Wars Geeks are already taking issue with one misstep on the helmet.  It seems Yoda is rocking a red saber, the color traditionally used by The Sith.  

Honestly, if it would help the Flyers offense start scoring goals like "bullseyeing wamp rats back home," I'd be fine with everything short of Aunt Beru singing America The Beautiful before dropping the puck!

Philadelphia..."You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
-I mean that in a good way!

Lincoln was English?

“A British actor shouldn't be playing the part of an American President.”

This is a gem I overheard at work this morning during a discussion I was having, with a totally different person, about Daniel Day-Lewis winning his 3rd Best Actor Award for his role in Lincoln. 

Really?

Let’s explore this a bit deeper:

2011 – Jean Dujardin, a Frenchman won for his role in the Artist.  In the role, he presumably plays an American…though, (spoiler) as it turns out he was in fact French all along.  So a Non American won the award.

2010 – Colin Firth, a Brit won for his British portrayal of British King George in The King’s Speech.  It should be noted that Firth is married to an Italian woman who didn’t speak English when they met.  In fact he learned to speak Italian to be able to communicate with her…talk about the “King” of speech.  So a Non American won the award.

2009 – Jeff Bridges, an American won for his ‘MERICAN performance as a country singer in Crazy Heart.  The dude abides.

This means it’s been 3 years since an American won the Best Actor Award…meaning sometimes, there are better actors than those born and raised on the continental U.S.A. 

So what’s with the Xenophobia?  Which is the 2013 P.C. way of saying “racism.”

Jean Dujardin, isn’t best friend with a dog, Colin Firth, isn’t a King and Jeff Bridges, isn’t a washed up country star (though he probably could be).  It’s acting.  Pretend.  Make believe.  Why should it make who plays the part?

Let go EVEN deeper:

2008 – Sean Penn won the Oscar for playing a gay man.  He’s been married to Madonna and Robin Wright.  My understanding is he’s straight.  Acting.

2007 – Daniel Day-Lewis (the cause of all of this drama) won for There Will Be Blood.  Lewis has never discovered oil, nor was he alive in 1902 when the film took place.  Acting.

2006 – Forest Whitaker won for playing Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland.  The man was in Good Morning Vietnam…he’s hardly a dictator.  Acting.

How about an American playing another Nationality? Like, Meryl Streep in 2011 as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady.  This is a VERY powerful woman in British political history, Streep would go on to win the Best Actress award for the role.  AMAZING Acting.

In the end, I could careless what nationality a person is, as long as they are the best person for the role.  Don’t agree?  Ask South African Charlize Theron if actors should ONLY be allowed to play characters of their same nationality.  

She might agree with you if you bring up Reindeer Games. Acting?

Lift With Your Knees

A buddy of mine’s father once told him not to lift with his back or he’s end up with “low hanging nuts.”  I don’t study the human body, anymore than every other red blooded American does on the internet, but this can’t possibly be accurate.

Every year at Christmastime, we move an antique sewing machine from its normal resting place to the other side of the house under a window.  This allows our Christmas tree to go where the sewing machine lives the rest of the year. 

Though Julie offers to help, I always do it myself.  “One man job, one man job…” That was a catchphrase of my father’s growing up that I have, probably NOT so rightly, adopted as a philosophy in life.  My brother’s & I never knew why my Dad insisted on doing everything himself, but we made fun of the saying when we were older. 

I made the traditional sewing machine transition this year with no incident allowing us to embark on our Yuletide journey.  It was glorious.  Thanks for asking.

But a problem arose when I went to put it back.  I decided to go low while lifting this heavy decoration (I’m fairly certain the thing doesn’t work, nor did it when it sat in my parent’s shed for over 10 years – thus making it nothing more than a heavy decoration).  My strategy, in going low, was that it would give me more leverage once I had it up.

BONER JOKES…GO!

The way I had lifted it over the years, including a mere month earlier, was to just get my fingers under the lip of the unit.

LABIA JOKES…You guys are better than that>

After lifting it, I’d waddle the length of the two rooms with the thing, because it was only about an inch or two off the ground.  I’d have no real “leg swinging room” to run a marathon, or even, you know, walk. 

This year I thought that completely picking it up to put it back would be quick & easy.  It turned out to be neither.

I reached low and lifted with my back.  Something I have been told not to do since I was a child, not unlike, “don’t take candy from a stranger.”  I heard three quick POPS. 

POP!  POP!!  POP!!! (BONER JOKES AGAIN?)

So quick were these three POPS, that they might have even been one continuous TEAR.

TEEEEEEEEAAAR!!! (Ladies, there’s nothing funny about a torn labia)

I immediately stood straight up and looked at Julie who had neither seen what I did, nor heard the deafening sound my back produced in my head.  I’d like to take a moment to back my self on the back (gently) for not screaming like a little girl.

“Our little boy’s all grows up.”

After dropping the machine, I immediately reverted to the way I have moved it for the past 7 Christmases in that house.  Really?  We’ve been there that long?

The house has since been deChristmased for another year, and now my back is killing me.  Sitting in a chair at work or home, or anywhere is an absolute nightmare.  At this point I’d gladly take candy from a stranger of that candy was a potent drug that would numb all the nerve endings in my body.

My back hurts so much I even find my self walking slightly bent over.  It occurs to me this makes the proximity of the ground and my nuts closer than normal. 

Dave, your Dad was right.  

"Dear Santa" is a crappy movie

Last night Julie made me watch a Lifetime movie called "Dear Santa."  I should be clear, when I say "made me watch," I really mean I turned it on and she told me it looked horrible then she fell asleep on the couch while I kept watching it.

It was so bad, I had to watch it.  And of course I loved it.  Here are some photos I took of my TV revealing a handful of things I noticed:

The film is supposed to take place in New York.  There's an opening shot of Love Park in Philly.  If you had any doubts that this is INDEED Philadelphia, the building WAAAAAY in the background is the same Art Museum where Rocky runs up the steps during his training montage.

The film stars Amy Aker from Angel.  It is directed by Jason Priestley from Beverly Hills 90210.  While watching the film, Julie commented on how bad the writing was and then asked why I couldn't a get a job writing a movie like that.  I took her hint.

Just to really drive home the point that Amy's, or Crystal's as the character was named, friend was gay, they dressed him in ALL pink.  Because that's what gay dudes do right?

Julie woke briefly to laugh at the "To Whom It May Concern" greeting on the eviction notice...then she told me to turn it off again.  I didn't.  And Amy (Crystal) goes on to use her rich family supplied allowance to keep the breakfast mission opened (Spoiler).

And they all lived happily ever after, especially Julie who slept through most if this.

Let’s Talk About Guns.

Let me tell you what little interaction I have had with guns over my life.

Growing up, my best friend’s Dad was a gunsmith.  I assume he still is, but I haven’t asked him about it in years.  They had all sorts of toy guns around the house.  I never saw an actual firearm.  I also never went looking for them, because I wasn’t that interested.

My father is a Vietnam Vet.  He is also a gun owner.  I never saw a gun in the house growing up.  I know where they are now. 

I have fired my father’s guns at a firing range.  A small caliber gun (I forget what kind) and a .45.  The .45 had such power, that I always hit the “perp target” in the crotch.  That’s not where I was aiming.  My father said in the old west no one would mess with me.  Apparently people didn’t like to be shot in the crotch back then either.

As a kid the A-Team was my favorite show.  They shot at people all the time using m16 rifles.  No one ever died on the show.  Even when someone would flipped their jeep (in some of the worst stock footage floating around Hollywood), the “victim” would get out of the jeep to reveal they were alright.  The casualty rate on the A-Team was 0.

I played with toy guns growing up.  They looked real.  They weren’t orange with red caps the way they are now.  I was never dumb enough to point them at someone in a situation to make them think it was real. 

Playing with guns in my youth did not make me want to play with REAL guns as I was older.  Ironically, I love women and have enjoyed “playing” with them all of my life.  However I never played with Barbie dolls…so I’m not sure that playing with a toy as a kid has a great affect on you as an adult.  At least it didn’t to me.

On our honeymoon, Julie bought a bracelet at a cute little shop in the Florida Keys.  The woman working behind the counter was insistent I get something once she knew it was my honeymoon.  I don’t wear jewelry other than my wedding ring.  I said, “OK.  I’ll take the Flintlock.”  The gun was a decoration in the display case representing a pirate theme.  The store didn’t sell flintlocks.  The woman, who had tried to put me on the spot, was now on the spot herself.  She sold it to me for $15 and shipped it to our apartment in West Chester as I had doubts I could get it on the plane ride home.  I have used it in a short film (Damsel in Distress) and a play (Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson).  It’s not real.

I am a vegetarian.  I have been for going on 6 years.  I have never, nor will I ever hunt. 
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Before you claim I am "coming for your guns," can we talk about them?