Even Gods Die (Whatever The Hell That Means)

When I was a senior in high school, I did the musical Godspell. I filmed everything. And, Oh yeah, I also stole a lawn ornament.

I’m sure the statute of limitation for stealing a statue has worn off by now, right? Just in case, I won’t give you too many details other than to say, I was a bored teenager.

A handful of us were out one night and saw a statue (AKA lawn ornament) in someone’s garden. We felt it would be perfect, NOT in their garden anymore. It would be wrong to rat out my accomplices at this time. But if you really need to know, Steve Berger & Mike Dionne could shed some light on that for you.

We were dicks and we absconded with the concrete kid under the cover of night.

The statue, depending on who you asked, was a little boy or a little girl decked out in a bathing suit, as well as a pair of swimmers goggles on top of a swimmers cap. It was probably bought as a gift for the home of a young championship swimmer who has since gone on to compete at an Olympic level. I still feel bad about that (the theft, not the Olympics).

We had named the statue “Bob,” and “given” him to my buddy Jim. Jim was going away to the Naval Academy, while to rest of us would be loafing around the summer before entering college.  These are out Outsiders days (minus any of us saving a kid from a fire, though I wouldn't put that one past Dionne). Since openly displaying stolen contraband is frowned upon by the US Navy, it was decided that Bob would remain at my parent’s house while Jim was away.

The rest of the summer, Bob sat silently on a bulkhead overlooking my parent’s pool. I’m sure the temptation to dive in was at the forefront of his concrete mind. However, his embedding dive would not result in meeting water. Instead, a strong gust of wind would knock him off the bulkhead, sending him plummeting about 5 feet to the cement pool deck. The impact destroyed Bob’s legs and much of his torso.  This was most unfortunate, as we had recently concocted the plan of sending photos of Bob having fun throughout the summer to his rightful owners, with the intention of returning him once the Summer ended. Now it seemed that behavior would be cold and callous.

So there was only one thing we could do…get rid of the evidence in a Vikingesque Funeral.

We waited until Jim was able to take a break from the military Academy to properly eulogize Bob. That date would come sometime in the late Fall or early Winter of 1995 at the beach…where the water was FREEZING COLD! And of course for good measure, I filmed it.

What follows is a video entitled “Even Gods Die.”

I have no earthly memory of why we felt we needed to bestow the power of a god on this sedentary monument. Perhaps out of the same teenage boredom that saw us nab him in the first place or, as previously mentioned, because we were dicks.

But alas, this deity is no more…unless you happen to end up with a chunk of rock in your foot while down the Jersey shore. IN which case, please address all lawsuits to Jim McCabe.

"How are YOU most likely to die?" - THE GAME SHOW

There must be 5000 ways to die

And each one ends the same way if you try

Your friends all stand around

While they dump you in the ground

And the people who loved you will ask why oh why oh why oh why

And the bastard you hated the most

Will stand up and give you a toast

He'll say "We were such good friends especially near the end"

Then he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost.

That's from the Nerf Herder song, 5000 Ways To Die. I'd link to the video, but alas they never made one.

This past weekend a 49 year old man in North Carolina died digging on the beach of The Outer Banks. He didn't hit a land mine or anything like that, he tried to connect two 6ft deep holes he dug when the tunnel collapsed. He was buried between 10-15 minutes before rescue workers were able to pull him from his sandy tomb. 

This is sad, and I don't want to make light of the fact that a man died. But, along with this story, a statistic came out from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 561 people have died across the country in similar circumstances from 1999 to 2010. 

WHAT? 

That's 51 people a year!!! Keeping in mind that MOST of the country is only spending time on beaches for about 3 months out of the year.

So lets play a game. 

"How are YOU most likely to die?"

1. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. A dog attack?

 vs.

The answer: 34 people in the US die from dog attacks each year (source: dogbitelaw.com - one would assume with that web name, they are the authority on the subject). 

So next time your local news, lazily runs a piece on "vicious pitbull attacks" just remember they are neglecting to inform the public about the threat of a sand castle shovel.

2. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. falling icicles?

 vs.

The answer: 100 people die of falling icicles in Russia alone! (source: Snowden Country) No word on how many deaths occur from people attempting to tunnel out of Russia annually.

Looks like you better be PUTIN on a helmet for protection.

3. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. High School/College Football

 vs.

The answer: 20 kids die in High School related football according to Buzzfeed, while the NY Daily News lists that number (including college students) at a mere 12. Which is hardly any at all (as long as your kids don't play football).

4. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. Rollercoasters

vs.

The answer: 4 people die annually on roller coasters (source: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!). 

No information was available on how many people shit their pants annually.

5. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. Shark Attack

 vs.

The answer: 12 people are killed globally by sharks (source: We're gonna need a bigger blog) This means you're safer in the ocean than on the beach! Of course that doesn't take into account the 9 million species of plants & animals (multiplied by how many of each there are) living in the ocean...oh, or drowning.

My advice if you go to the beach this summer, just lay there and relax. 

Just make sure you wear a lot of sun block, after all 9,710 will die of of melanoma in 2014 (source: Cancerland).