Jingle Bells

I find Christmas a bit perverted...perhaps that's why I love it. The holiday revolves around a dude who sneaks into your house and fondles your stockings for Chrissake! We all know the jokes about how he only "comes once a year." Hell, even mistletoe is a devious ornament. The rules of Christmas DEMAND that anyone caught standing under mistletoe, must kiss. This has lead many a sex fiend to fashion a belt buckle out of the leaf from the old rape tree.

My brothers and I are all within 4 years of each other. This meant we all made similar discoveries around the same time. My mother, in her motherly way, decided to tell these three boys that their testicles were "jingle bells." This was no big deal, until Christmas when we heard the word incessantly. I suppose some children would blush hearing the word being tossed around the way it was...while others would scream with fear. Imagine the thoughts of a child who learns "jingle bells" will be hung from the Christmas Tree. This does prove an efficient way to keep naughty kids nice the whole year round. However, the Regan boys found this to be hilarious. Imagine watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and hear Santa Claus say, "each year I shine up my 'jingle bells' for eight lucky reindeer." Trust me, we laughed our Jingle Bells off!

By the way, a little history on the song: It was written by James Pierpoint in 1857. It was actually written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Pierpoint was a Boston minister, which given what I've already said above and the things we have learned about clergymen from Beantown in recent years, seems appropriate (in a very inappropriate way).

So, put yourself in the mind set of a child as we review the words to this "harmless" Holiday Classic:


"Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh"

I feel two horse open sleigh would have been a bit on the nose. Imagine the bouncing up and down you'd be doing with two horses pulling the sleigh. Rather than red and green (as pictured above) those jingle bells would both be RED!

"O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way"

If one of your jingle bells was green, you wouldn't be laughing. Instead, you'd be booking ass to the doctor. He'd probably say, "Put some ice on it." Then you'd be like..."CHRIST! I was just dashing through the snow, I should have reached out and grabbed some."

"Bells on bob tails ring, making spirits bright"

What is a bob tail you might wonder...well it was a horse's tail cut short. Not sure why this asshole decided to put bells on it after he butchered it. Man, this song is creepy. We got a guy with a red nut and a green nut booking ass to the ER all the while riding a eunuch horse. (Wait until we get to "Deck the Halls" kids).

"What fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight."

Now here's the crazy part, in Boston, where people speak funny, "Sleighing" and "Slaying" mean the same thing. So...it's possible that this deranged animal, with multi-colored testes, is on a killing spree which should have been predicted when he started cutting horse cocks as a hobby. Let's see where this tune takes us...

"Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way."

You all pictured him shaking his parts about while singing this right? It's not just me I mean.

"On what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

Now I'm picturing the guy riding down hills IN the horse. He gutted the poor beast like Han did to the Ton Ton in Empire. Only Han did it so his friend Luke won't die from horrid weather conditions, this dude did it because SANTA told him to...I ask you, was it SANTA...or perhaps if we move a letter or two S-A-T-A-N. Oh holy shit!

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way."

He's back to the shaking thing again. It gets him riled up.

"Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

Repeating one's self is both a poetic device, AND a sign of insanity. Luckily no one else was on the sleigh with this sick bastard. Wait, what? There's a second verse to this song? Most people just repeat the first verse over and over (See line about insanity above).

"A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride."

That means this is ALL premeditated. That's first degree sucko!

"And soon Miss Fanny Bright, was seated by my side."

Oh Fuck! He's got a hostage.

"The horse was lean and lank, misfortune seemed his lot."

Okay asshole, you cut his dick off...not sure you should be blaming misfortune here. How about the guy with multi colored balls. And why point out he's lean and lank? He was doing just fine until you started snipping.

"We got into a drifting bank, and then we got upsot."

I have no idea what the fuck this means.

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh,"
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

And there you have it. Clearly the guy dies in a snow bank. What of the fate of Miss Fanny Bright you wonder? Some claim she was already dead and the guy was defiling her corpse in between verses, but others believe it was Miss Bright who went on to tell the tale of the man with multi colored nuts.

Either way it's a toe tapper.