New Profile Photo

Please note my new profile photo. I name it either:

"Bored at the theatre" (note the pretentious spelling)

or

"Kerry will hate this!"

Busy Weekend, Crazy Holiday Approaching

So the weekend started off with Julie and I watching 2 of our neighbors being put into the back of the Medical Examiners truck. I'll assume this wasn't a drill that was being run and assume there's a house down the street going on the market real soon...that sounds a bit callus I know, but it's also inaccurate, the house is already for sale.

Last night I went to see my friends TS & Daryan in a play directed by another friend, Todd. The play was "Coyote on a Fence" and it was amazing. It presents both sides of the death penalty argument, and really makes you think deeply about the subject matter long after you've left the theater. From there Julie and I cruised to Tattooed Mom's on South St for some late night vegan food.

This morning I put the Christmas lights on the house as the weather was a bit warm. I figured, I'd put them up and leave them off as opposed to waiting until the freezing temps roll in and then loose a couple fingers decorating the house. I then watched Harry Potter movies the rest of the day. I jumped on the computer to find out a concert I wanted to go to next weekend is sold out. I was buying tix for me and 2 other people, so I had to wait until I had enough $ to do it. Unfortunately I have the $ and no tix. I also have been fighting with a website for post cards for "the Clink," my web series...it's been a pain in the ass.

So that was my weekend and my night...until...my phone rang.

Not my cell phone, but my house phone.

Not a big deal you'd say, but here's the thing, about 4 months ago (maybe more) we got a new land line. We got a package deal with our cable and internet service, but couldn't keep our old number. We saved enough that it was worth while to ditch the old number. There is no forwarding number so no one has the new number. I mean NO ONE! OK, not no one. Joel, Bosco & Jim all have it. If you check your caller ID you might too (if I've called you). Neither my, nor Julie's parents have it. Just an oversight we'll soon correct.

So when the phone rang tonight, I figured it is one of a few people or a wrong number. But the area code was a "323" area code. Got to be a wrong number:

Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Are you naked?"
Me: "Oh fuck!"
Voice: "I'm usually naked when I fuck." (Laughter)
Me: "How did you get this number?"
Voice: "I have my ways. Why did you change it?"
Me: "To avoid you."
Voice: "Didn't work."
Me: "Apparently not. What do you want?"
Voice: "What are you and Julie doing next Thursday?"
Me: "No!"
Voice: "What?"
Me: "We're not doing it?"
Voice: "You don't even know what I'm going to ask."
Me: "The fuck I don't, Scott. We are not coming to New York again."
Scott Caan: "I'm sending a car. You won't even have to drive."
Me: "Don't send a car, because we aren't fucking coming."
Scott Caan: "That's fine. If you don't want to come you just tell the driver you're not coming. The driver who drove ALL The way from New York City the night before Thanksgiving. Tell him he wasted his time and he can turn around and head on home. I hope you'll be kind enough to let him use the bathroom before his long drive back."
Me: "You fucker!"

(nothing)

Me: "Hello?"

(nothing)

Me: "Goddammit!"
Scott Caan: "Did you think I hung up?"
Me: "I hate you!"
Scott Caan: "See you next Thursday!"

CLICK

To be continued...

Lossing Friends Everyday

Mom always told me I should tell AIDS jokes. Which is weird, because she was saying it in '79, WAY before the epidemic was public. Am I claiming my mom had a hand in creating the virus? Not in this post...but stay tuned...

I can't help myself. I make fun of horrid things. NOt sure why. I'd like to think my attempt is to take the piss out of such scary things as AIDS, Cancer or Fatty Arbuckle's coke bottle collection. But the truth is, I'm just a hateful soul. If there is a Heaven, I'm fairly certain I won't be going there. I don't think I'll end up in Hell either, but rather haunting the vagina or a lonely 60 year old woman living out her days on Long Island. So based on that I should care what people think of me or the things I say...but I do. Sorta...

I don't regularly count how many friends I have on facebook, but I do notice once in a while. More so I notice a decrease of numbers and sometimes I even notice a particular person who has abandoned the home of my rants which often feature some choice four letter words (such as boob).

It's weird because I recent came up with what I thought would be a great idea of losing EVERY single friend I have. Someone (I think Julie) said it would be like a modern day Brewster's Millions. I can't get rid of friends, but I have to force them al away...but the problem is I'd lose them forever. And as much as I pretend to not care, I really get excited by people I know only causally, reading my blogs or watching a short film I've made, or just "liking" a clever jab I might take at a retarded kid on the side of the road (even my acquaintances are shitty people).

I do say "fuck" & "cunt" a lot. So I do understand when people drop me...especially if they don;t have a lot of friends or at least a lot of friends who regularly update their accounts. You're likely to have an entire page of me sounding off on people masturbating in the stall next to me, or hoping Michael Vick accidentally sits on his nuts.

I'll continue to be the rude prick my mother raised, and hope some day she gets on facebook. Because no one's Mom would unfriend them...right?

Halloween? More like SWALLOWeen...am I right?

Year after year, I hear more and more people getting pissed off about the increasing SEXINESS of Halloween. These "people" are usually "fatties" who likely aren't fitting into the "sexy" costumes that have become all the rage with 14 year old girls...er, wait...

Personally, I am a huge fan of the trick/treat look Halloween has adopted. You like a good scare on Halloween? Well then nail one of these minimalist self esteemed ladies without a condom...seriously, you'll trade that "sexy nurse," for the real thing while your unit is dripping puss in hospice.

I decided (strictly for research) to type "sexy halloween costume" into our old friend google image. And these are the fine selection they gave me:

#1
First off, how is this sexy? Since I don't see an open wound, I'll assume this is supposed to be someone else's blood. Either way, not the definition of sexy to most. It is possible this girl just got her period out of her belly button, but I'll assume this is part of the costume. Not a very good one...unless she's a "cutter." Then this is the best costume I've ever seen.

#2
This one is weird, because there are 2 girls in it. I like "couples" costumes...but am failing to see the theme here. The one girl looks like poison ivy. Not the character from the Batman comic, but just the weed that grows in my side yard. Which would make sense as I am certain that anyone rolling around in this will wake up with a wicked itch and possibly a burning sensation when they urinate. The girl with her seems to be a girl scout. She knows the pratfalls of poison ivy, so will likely avoid prolonged contact. Also, I am interested in her cookies. And before anyone gets upset by that comment, I don't mean her actual cookies a girl scout sells out from of every supermarket across America come Spring time...I mean her vagina.

#3
This one is not sexy at all. The inside of a woman? Wait...that is came out wrong. I fail to see how the skeleton can be sexy...though I do like the measuring tape revealing a torso that would make Tracy Gold jealous. I notice the Xray like outfit reveals the "important parts" of this young lady. Clear made by a man, as there is no indication that females have brains.

#4
Pacman Fever! You get 200 points if you eat the cherry. I got news for you...this chick ain't had those points to give since this costume was relevant.

#5
This is sexy? Of course if you look closely, you can see Bin Laden's cave.

So that's the sexy Halloween. But still, there is the inappropriate Halloween. That could consist of a tit hanging out, though it's more likely to make that a "sexy" costume. I mean the, "let's cash in on a recent tragic event for a cheap laugh, and a photo on Facebook that will eventually cost me that House of Representative seat" type costume. Here are a selection of those bad boys:

#1
Let's get Hitler out of the way up front. There's always some asshole who thinks it's funny to dress their kid up like a guy who killed over 6 million people. I look at this kid and think, "well he's going to community college." Mostly because he comes from a gene pool that would do this in the first place. Though I do think the glass of water is a nice touch. Sure he's a tyrant, but he's thirsty.

#2
The suicide bomber costume has become a popular way to loose your children to Child Services as of late. This kid does look like he's having a great time though. I wonder if this is what a real suicide bomber does before blowing himself up...you know, besides shitting his pants. I will admit, I have wished I had a incendiary device strapped to myself on many Halloween when some asshole neigh felt a Zagnut bar was appropriate. "Do you have any idea how long my Mom sewed this outfit pal? Let's make with a couple 3 Musketeers, stat!

#3
This cunt will end up making more $ than any of you reading this. If that doesn't piss you off I don't know what does. But look on the bright side ladies, she has very small breasts.

#4
I'm a vegetarian, but this kid is fucking cute!

#5
The concept on this doesn't even offend me, but the laziness does. Seriously, 2 boxes and a model airplane? Where are the action figures jumping out of the windows. You failed boys!

#6
I like this one. I look at it and think, "Hey, if you can get away with it." That in fact was the Catholic Church's official policy at the time...

So finally, I found a couple of WTF or just weird costumes I had to include:

I know what you're thinking, "Use a glass!" But I say don't judge her! After all, she's in college and going down on some box is a right of passage!

This dude looks like he's tapped a box of wine or two in his day...his day being 5 minutes ago. Seriously dude, are they VHS Disney movies behind you?

This guy says it all. I felt weird and uncomfortable seeing this sign as I did in fact masturbate to pictures #2 & #5 on the "sexy" list above.

New Computer, Same Old Porn

Here I sit at my new iMAC. Still getting used to a lot of it, like the lack of a backspace key.

I thought to myself, "what is should the first thing I do with my MAC?" I know what you're thinking, PORN! Well me too. But I didn't. I figured that is too obvious. And besides there will be plenty of time for that later (ie when I hit post on this blog).

So I did some light facebooking (is that a word? Spell check doesn't seem to think so). Now I am blogging. My hope is to write more and edit video. But let's face it, in 2 weeks, it'll just be a faster way to look a porn. Of course now I run the risk of accidentally taking a photo of myself and sending it to everyone I know.

Which reminds me, please send me your email addresses.

The Clink Blogs...Continuous

I think I have like 5 blogs. I only use 1 and sometimes not even that! But over the next couple weeks I’ll use this as my film blog. I always wanted to keep a film dairy ala Hitchcock, “and then I said, ‘stop bitching Leigh and get in that shower before I taxidermy you!’”

Next weekend I start filming my second internet series “The Clink” (theclink.net). We learned a lot on the first one “The League” (theleaguetv.com) and hopefully won’t make the same mistakes. Instead we’ll make totally different ones! One of the biggest things I learned was to try and do the WHOLE series at once. Film everything together and be done with it. Tim will tell if that works out but we do have a rigorous schedule starting Sunday August 15th.

I have been in the process of building props (and amazing myself at the same time). The electric chair turned out really well. I used a picture I found on line and just built it (with wood I found in someone’s trash). It comes apart easily for transporting and future storage. I’m very happy with how it turned out.

I also built a “two way,” for the episode tiled, “The Two Way.” It is a piece of Plexiglas Jim Burns (producer & playing the part of “Quint”) found in the trash behind a school in his neighborhood. SCORE! The whole piece pops on to a fold up table. It’s sturdy and looks really good, down to the “A” carved in the glass, no doubt by some rebellious schoolboy who will turn his love for “anarchy” into acceptance and a future in a cubical. Go you! So these items didn’t require much in the way of budget (which is good seeing as the prison outfits were upwards of $300)

So last night Joel (co-director & editor extraordinaire) and I went to Lowe’s to pick up the materials needed to build the cell. We thought we had a real cell, which never panned out and just recently found out we might have access to a cell like horse stable, but decided to forge ahead with our newly devised plan. So we loaded up a borrowed pick up truck and headed back to my workshop (aka home).

I live on a windy road. Picture the road from “the Shining” and you’re not far off.

We were heading down the windy hill, right past the road that houses the Church where I got married. All of a sudden the truck pulls hard to the left (my side as the passenger). The front passenger side dips down as if we’ve run off the road. However I know this road and the embankment is about the same as the road so this shouldn’t happen. Joel calmly pulls to the left and applies the brakes. We come to a stop and see a wheel on our left hand side continue into a parking lot. What the what???

We come to a stop and assess what’s happened (and our underwear).

What we surmise is the entire wheel broke from the car (not something that you EVER want to happen when you’re in motion). We laughed about it and waited for Joel’s brother-in-law Dennis (whose truck this was) to show up. Dennis works on cars/trucks so we figure he’ll fix it. We’ll sit around and wait.

I actually walked home, got my car (and some lukewarm waters as it was about 90 out even at 10:00 pm) and came back to load all of the wood into it. I was surprised that it all fit in one trip which means I didn’t need the truck in the first place. But then it hit me. We were SO LUCKY!

This could have happened on the highway and likely seen us in A LOT of trouble. It could have happened as we went into the turn as opposed to coming out of it, which more than likely would have caused us to flip (did I mention I was not wearing a seat belt because I was holding a trash can in the cab and could reach my belt?) This could have happened next week while we were driving to film. Or it could have happened to Dennis or any other people who use this truck on a regular basis.

Someone could have gotten seriously hurt or even killed. Weird.

So what do I take from all of this? That the universe REALLY wants “The Clink” to happen. It may throw an obstacle or two in the middle of the road, but it’s just to see how we’ll react. Especially if that obstacle in the middle of the road happens to be the vehicle we’re driving in.

PS, this is my 69th blog here!

It's the Jazz that haunts me

I own 3 AC window units. About a month ago I put the first one in. Every year I try and wait out the summer as long as possible, but like the law beating down John Cougar or John Melloncamp or whatever he goes by nowadays, the summer always wins. However it was not a hand’s down victory as I only put 1 of the 3 units in…at first any way.

I store the two lighter AC units (translation: the ones that way slightly less that 200 pounds) in the attic during the off season. I store the heavy bastard, which goes in the window in the living room, in the basement. It was the heavy bastard that was put in first. He’s a juggernaut that makes a lot of noise to let you know he’s working. The cats love it.

I thought we’d be fine with just the 1 unit, until last week.

The temperature soared to a less than quaint 90 plus throughout the night. I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to wave the white flag and hope that waving action would bring a cool breeze my way. It didn’t. But at least the house was comfortable. That is, until 2 nights ago.

The temperature dropped and we were able to turn off the noise making coolers for the first time in a week. We opened the windows and went to sleep. That’s when the sounds started coming from the attic. “Oh no,” I thought. This happened last year too, but we were able to ignore it. This year was different. Louder. Just a real pain in the ass.

Sorry. Let me fill you in…

Last year, about this same time, we were lucky enough to turn the units off for a few days. We noticed music coming from the attic. Music and moaning. Now I know what you’re thinking, music and moaning often go together. Two things. One, you’re right. Two, you’re a pervert. So after about 3 nights of music and moaning, I went into the attic with my 2008 Philadelphia Phillies Commemorative World Series bat. And a flashlight. Now I have a light in the attic, so I’m not sure what inspired me to take the flashlight. But I’m glad I did.

I flipped on the attic light, pulled down the retractable stairs and slowly climbed upward. The whole while the music grew, yet the moaning seemed to stop. I took a deep breath and broke the plane from the hallway to the basement. Just then ALL sound stopped. And the attic light went out. I flicked the flash light on and dropped it to the floor below me seconds after seeing something, or someone move. I too dropped to the floor below and let the stairs slam shut.

That was the end of sleeping that night.

The next morning Julie and I were greeted by a local ghost hunter, Tig Sillbourne, who seemed willing to entertain our little problem. I explained what happened to Tig as he drank the coffee we brewed for him. He shook his head in agreement as if he knew exactly what I was going to say next. I was hopeful under Tig asked what the music sounded like.

“Jazz,” I said.

“With a tonal bebop harmony,” Julie added.

Tig’s eyes grew wide, but only slightly. It could have been from the strong brew beneath his lips.

“Can you hum it?” He asked.

“I can’t,” I explained. “I had an accident as a child, that keeps me from being able to hum, whistle or roll my tongue.”

Julie whistled. It was a sweet song. Not as haunting as it had been the night before. Tig’s face went white and the coffee mug went smashing to the floor.

“Sell the house.” It wasn’t a suggestion. He was commanding us what to do next.

We sat stunned in silence. Then the music and moaning started again. At 7:23 in the morning.

“What is it?” Julie said looking toward our guest for some information.

“It’s not a what. It’s a who. I’m afraid your attic is haunted by Eric Allan Dolphy.”

I was appalled. “Who is that? A biker? A killer?

“A jazz musician.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“How do we get rid of him?”

“You can’t.”

“We have to be able to do something.”

“Well….”

“What?”

“Jazz musicians are impervious to almost everything on Earth…save one thing.”

“What?”

“Heroin.” Julie guessed right. She had just watched a documentary on Chet Baker.

Luckily for us Tig provided many services and happened to have some “china white” on him. We climbed into the attic and left a spoon, a needle and the white powder. We waited an hour and the music stopped. The beast had been sated…for a little while. For you see, ghost can not overdose on heroin.

That brings us to the other night.

I grabbed the bat and immediately became reminded that there is no 2009 Philadelphia Phillies Commemorative World Series bat. This pissed me off and made me ready to face a jonesing Jazz musician.

“Dolphy!” I yelled as I ascended the stairs. “We will not have this crap again this summer.”

There he sat amongst my comics, with his base clarinet pressed against his lips.

“I never understood how they brought Superman back from the dead.” He said as he lowered is instrument.

I noticed Action Comics & Superman issues everywhere. I lowered the bat.

“It was the ‘Eradicator’.” I said.

“Yeah. But I still don’t get how.”

“I know. It’s a bit messy.”

“And that Red & Blue bullshit. What was that supposed to be man?”

We sat in silence for a few moments.

“I think it’s jazz,” I said.

He nodded, and hasn’t made a sounds since.