100 Days of Selfies

Including today, there are 100 days until the start of 2015.

Every year about this time I look to see how many blog posts I have written. 

2014 - 19 posts

That's WAY down from years past (if you exclude last year):

2010 - 30

2011 - 43

2012 - 51

2013 - 15

So, how could I squeeze out a bunch of posts before the end of the year?

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Selfie: is a self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a hand-held camera or camera phone.

The news media LOVES the word selfie, even when the photo they are referring to is NOT a selfie! John Oliver did an entire piece on his HBO show about FAUX SELFIES (I couldn't find video for it, but here's a link to him doing stand up about Selfies in general).

Not A Selfie!

You could make an arguement that she used a tripod and a timer for this, but let me ask you this...DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO USE A TIMER ON A CAMERA ANYMORE?

I work in video production and even I would need to figure out how the timer works. Then, after screwing up this shot 8-9 times, I'd have said, "fuck it!" and would have made an omelette with those eggs.

Sure selfies are nothing more than grandstanding usually posted by pompous assholes who suffer from a wicked case of, "Look at Me, Look at Me!" But, with 53 million photos hashtagged on Instagram with the word #Selfie and a new sitcom on ABC titled Selfie, they aren't going away anytime soon.

AMY POND! Also...NOT a selfie.

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So I'm undertaking a 100 day experiment to pad my blog entry number as well as possibly make people think I am living a much more charmed life than I actually am.

Kerry McElrone and I have been perpetuating a theory over the years that posting a lot of photos makes others think, "Oh man, aren't they cool?" The answer is no. We are not. No matter what Kerry says.

This article does a great job of exploring the "Oh man, aren't they cool" theory that people suffering from the "Look at Me, Look at Me!" disease exhibit.

I'll post the photos here and on my Instagram (which is also lacking in posts): Instagram.com/yourherokevin

Feel free to join in, comment or just ignore the #100DaysOfSelfies

Tacos & Tattoos

I had this sudden urge today to open a tattoo parlor that also sells tacos. A TAC-TOO shop, if you will. There are obviously some pitfalls to this endeavor:

1. I don't know shit about tattoos (other than a "short one" used to point out flying objects on a fantastical island in the 80s).
2. I'm sure the board of health would get all up in my biz-nass if I did this. Come down FDA! This is NACHO Tac-Too Parlor!
3. Likely no one would come.

Or would they?

It seems, though my search for a tattoo parlor/taco stand was unsuccessful, the link between tacos and tattoos has NEVER been stronger.

A taco restaurant near San Francisco, Casa Sanchez has a deal in place. If you get ink of their mascot, Jimmy the Cornman, you get free tacos FOR LIFE! The tattoo can be anywhere on your body, but must be (at minimum) 4 inches. But hell, if you want it across your entire back, rock out with your badass self!

Not bad right? Unless, according to Yelp, the place has been taken over by new management and renamed Ayutla Restaurant...which has ditched the mascot & previous policy.

Tacos & Tattoos are so intermingled, that even Taco Bell got in on the taco for tats promotion bandwagon in 2012.

However, before you run for the border to get yourself inked, read the fine print. This promotion was for the Doritos Locos Taco, ONLY. Which means the taco & tat have to match for eligibility. That Chalupa you have gracing your ass isn't going to get you much more than easily ID'd by the local federales when you moon your taco bell's drive thru.

Here are some more tats I found when searching for the words "Taco" & "Tattoo."

Always a taco near at hand. AND when you jerk off, it's like adding sour cream for no additional charge!

This is Man in the Yellow Hat (from Curious George), meets Slim Pickins (from Dr. Strangelove) meets Taco Tuesday! The ladies must love this guy!

Because nothing says "USA!" like a food traditionally associated with a country where we block it's residents entry into our country. 

That settles it, Tacos for lunch while listening to Journey!

"The old #419" in the book, when you end the night with the thought, "I want a tattoo, but I don't know what to get."

Seriously, I want a taco.

A taco beating the shit out of a piece of pizza. Pfffffft! As if the pizza ever stood a chance!

I could so this one for you.

Hot sauce or blood? Cool question on a tattoo. Bad question when analyzing your stool after eating Taco Bell.

This is either a Taco Superhero with extra hot sauce, or a Taco Rapist. Both can leave your butt hurting the next day.

Is this the new Latin-Politico party "The Green Taco Party"? 

Just your average Dog-headed Parrot being taught the only word it'll ever need.

What pisses me off is this fucking tattoo just got it's own show on Adult Swim, and I can't even get a pitch meeting!

You've been, TACO-STRUCK!

Teachers vs Educators - The Neshaminy High School Story

If you're lucky, in your life, you will have teachers who have a huge influence over you and prepare you for the real world you are about to enter into (Luke Prendergast, Terence Dean Kane & James Hetherington - to name a few)

Then you'll have "educators" who educate you about how shitty that "real world" can be. Though, it is unlikely that education was created in a lesson planned, it'll likely stay with you the rest of your life.

Tara Huber vs Rob McGee is a great example of this.

Tara Huber works at Neshaminy High School as a faculty adviser for the student run newspaper. She was suspended without pay for "willful neglect of duties and insubordination." Also, the paper was fined (for lack of a better word) $1,200 from it's activity fund.

WOW!

What kind of action must have occurred to result in such discipline?

• Plagiarism?
• Some horribly, libelous story about corruption on the school board?
• A titillating exposé about what's REALLY in the coleslaw in the cafeteria?

...Or Huber allowed the students, of the student run paper - The Playwickian, to "ban" the word "Redskins" from it's printing. Huber, who was recently named the "journalism teacher of the year" from the Pennsylvania School Press Association, allowed the students to follow the Associated Press standard for replacing certain letters in slurs with dashes. Teacher.

According to the Daily Beast, Principal Rob McGee had told the students they would either have to print “Redskins” in full or not print the issue at all. Educator.

Following the publication of the paper, following the AP model, Huber was suspended. The fine was leaved. And the student editor was also suspended from the paper for 1 month.

The word "teacher" here, seems to mean getting in the muck and teaching the kids in a "hands on" manner. Working with them. Succeeding and failing with them. "Teach them well, and let them lead the way..."

The word "educator" seems to represent someone who instills a lesson by putting on a pair of rubber gloves and handing you something with their arm fully extended while holding their nose. "I wouldn't touch you, with a 39 and half foot pole..."

So what was learned here?

That Ms Huber gets down and dirty to make sure her students learn.

While Mr. McGee needs to kneel down on a mat to protect his pants while kissing a pig.

@Neshaminy Rob Magee (seen here kissing a pig) suspends a teacher who actually allows students to make a decision. pic.twitter.com/ixEKmXNjA8
— Kevin Regan (@YourHeroKevin) September 17, 2014

*That's a REAL photo I pulled from The Neshaminy Redskins twitter page. And that really is Rob McGee.

ISIS - A Perspective: On Any Given Sunday

ISIS or the shittiest Elvis Impersonators ever?

According to today's Daily Beast, the membership of ISIS, the Sunni jihadist group in the Middle East claiming religious authority over all Muslims across the world, has grown to a total of between 20,000 and 31,500 fighters.

That's it?

Seriously?

And according the sources including The Wall Street Journal, The Guardian and Al Arabiya News more than 40 nations have agreed to join the coalition led by the United States. This nations include (but are not limited to) - Turkey, Germany, The UK (with or without Scotland - TBD), Canada, Australia, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan and Lebanon...to name a few.

And FoxNews is reporting that it could take 3 years to defeat ISIS. 31,500 people.

OK.

Let's put this in perspective: The Philadelphia Eagles play at Lincoln Financial Field. When at full capacity, their unruly fans occupy 68,532 seats. That is more than DOUBLE ISIS's highest end estimated numbers. That means that Eagles fans could pretty much take on the entire world for up to 6 years!

Eagles Fan or the shittiest Elvis Impersonator ever? This one might be both.

SO WHY CAN'T THEIR FUCKING TEAM WIN A SUPERBOWL?!?

Sharks vs. Kayaks

Sharks vs. Jets er...Kayaks.

Jabberjaw in Top Gun would have been AWESOME!

NBCNews reports a story about two kayakers who's vessel was attacked by a Great White Shark in Massachusetts last week. A few of things:

1. The word "vessel" always sounds like a penis to me. 
2. Massachusetts sounds like "massive two shits," which, if I was attached by a Great White, you can be certain I'd release into my vessel.
3. Who the fuck is taking a kayak into the ocean?

Yep. Two shits = MASSIVE!

According to George Burgess who maintains the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History (some title!),

Folks in kayaks tend to be out there for ecotourism, and as a result, kayakers tend to be among concentrations of biota - including seals, and sharks."

Well, at least it answers the question "Who the fuck is taking a kayak into the ocean?" The answer, "Folks."

This guy is definitely going to get his own reality show.

Look, I'm as curious as the next guy. And I can totally appreciate wanting to explore The Ocean.

FULL CONFESSION HERE: I thought it would be clever to use a nickname for the ocean here, like the Great Pond. So I Googled "popular nicknames of the ocean." And what came up was a yahoo answers type page called "Cha Cha." These are the nicknames suggested:

• Blue Water
• The Liquidfier
• Aqua Man
• Rolling Tide

Blue Water. This sounds like an un-inventive product name for something you put in your toilet. "Get 5000 flushes with Blue Water." Yeah right! You get about 25 flushes before the color is back to a golden yellow because you're dehydrated.

The Liquidfier. I could imagine this as a last resort product you use to get your bowels moving. Something you find in the checkout aisle at the Dollar Tree.  Sure it'll be messy, but it'll clear you out - if it even works. Though I still recommend Kayaking in the ocean where Great Whites tend to feed to make yourself shit.

Aqua Man. Seriously? How in the fuck is the ocean named after one of the crappiest superheroes of all time? I'd sooner pick up a comic book with the title of The Liquidfier. Especially if his powers are based on the description above.

Rolling Tide. This is a Classic Rock Cover band. They play shows in between their lead singer's dialysis treatments.

I have a MUCH safer AND cheaper way to check out the "biota." It's called, "GET THE FUCKING DISCOVERY CHANNEL!"

It's part of your basic cable programming.
I found a kayak on LL Bean's website for $695.20. That's A LOT of money for something that is going to sit in your garage until you die and your kids sell it for $120 thinking that it's a fair price.

Hmmm...a quick glance at some upcoming shows on The Discovery channel reveal Overhaulin', Highway Thru Hell, and Fast N' Loud. All reality TV Show. Looks like my prediction about Kayak Folks isn't that far fetched an idea.

Well..okay, so based on the fall of The Discovery Channel, personal exploration is probably required. But can't you charter a boat instead? Surely it's much safer than a puny little kayak...

Fuck it. Just sit at home and read Aquaman comics...

...or a book.

A Break From The Dick Jokes

I'm the sad kid without a Popsicle.

As I get older, I can’t help but wonder if I was ever a bully to kids I grew up with.

Maybe it’s because I have a child now…

…or because of the various nieces & nephews in my life…

…or because of all of the children my friends have,

but I think about it a lot.

Personally, I don’t think I was a bully and I hope the people I grew up with would agree.

But I also think about those situations where I know people were bullied in my youth, because I witnessed it.

Both boys & girls.

And I am ashamed that I didn’t do anything to stop the people perpetrating the bullying.

Sure, maybe not 9 year old Kevin, because what could he do?

That kid still wanted everyone to like him…

…both the bullies & the bullied.

But the Kevin who stopped caring what the masses thought.

Whenever that was.

Maybe 30 year old Kevin.

Or 35.

Possibly 38 year old Kevin, which is who I am now.

I see people on Facebook whom I went to school with.

People who I know were bullied…

…and they’re all grown up.

They are married.

Having kids.

They have beaten the bullies…

…but I don’t know if it the torment experienced so long ago still haunts their memories.

When talk of bullying comes up the press and the talking heads rule, “It’s like that for everyone, get tougher skin,” I wonder if these jaded people have erected a wall that separates their life as a child to who they have become.  Perhaps it’s how they deal with their own pain, by ignoring the reality of the past.

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For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I was the cause of torment for anyone.

I’m also sorry if I didn’t help put an end to the torment at the hands of others.

…I’ll get back to dick jokes now.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words, Even If You Only Read The Caption

I'm not going to get into the politics of the story out of Ferguson, MO other than to say that a lot of news organizations have been lifting photos of Michael Brown (out of ANY context) from his Facebook page.

This has lead to the rise of a twitter hashtag movement called #IfTheyGunnedMeDown

Which photo of you would the news media use if YOU were the story?

This is a serious discussion that needs to be analyzed by far greater people than a guy who basically tells dick jokes. BUT......

What if I was gunned down?
There sure are a LOT of options the lazy media could rip from my Facebook page.

Here are a few and the justifications:

1. Guns.

This type of photo is ideal. Also, I am clearly threatening a police office. So if I was shot by the police (whether justifiable or not), they could run this one to show my complete lack of respect for law enforcement.

2. Tattoos.

The media has a field day with tattoos. As if, some of the most respected people in society don't have tattoos. But a threatening photo like this will scare people indoors to watch hours of CNN.

3. Violence (Against Women).

Sure it's possible she was asking for it (she was!) But there's no back story to a picture. At least not when you don't bother to do ANY research whatsoever.

4. Violence (Against Children) AND possible Zombistic Behavior.

OK. You got me on this one. But babies are delicious!!!
I had been BIG into the new Jonathan Swift diet. Lost 15 pounds in just a week.

5. Stealing Aborigine's Souls.

Fuck 'em! They aren't going to read this anyway. Also, can you even be sure that's me?
Of course you can, because I only own 1 dress shirt.

6. Cults.

A photo that shows one engaging in cultish behavior.
You ask, how damning is a picture like this? "Try Again Later."

7. Drinking.

What better way to tell if someone is known to have poor judgement from time to time?
*SIDE NOTE - If you consider THIS a dress shirt, I have two...and I wear this one in multiple photos here.

8. Drinking +

Sometimes showing one drinking is not enough.
You must also show the subject 15 years younger...
...with green hair...
...and a jacket that is too big.

It also helps if their belt hangs about 3 inches too low.

9. High Tech Weaponry.

Because guns don't always sell your story. How about a photo with militarized weaponry? Or a plastic fork and some strategically placed party hats?

10. A Prison Photo.

The creme dela creme, is being able to tie them to past indiscretions. A mugshot or photo of them in prison is HUGE!

It's important in this busy day and age, to just make assumptions based on a photo or a headline. Look we don't have time to get to the bottom of things. That's how we stay on top! On top of what? I don't know, because I forget what we were talking about.

But hey, check out my web series The Clink at www.theclink.net