From Westeros to The White House

Politics are becoming more and more contentious, though seemingly less and less popular with younger people. How can we educate today’s youth on the major players in the game of politics, so they’ll be able to vote in the 2016 Presidential election?

Of course…

Former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (New York)
Political Site: HillaryClinton.com
PAC: ReadyForHillary.com 
Twitter: www.twitter.com/HillaryClinton

Her husband was once the most powerful man in the land. His downfall would be over his love of “the hunt.” Proverbially gored by a pig (sorry Monica).

Watch out Republicans, “A Clinton Always Pays Their Debt.”

Vice President Joe Biden (Delaware)
Political Site: JoeBiden.com
Government Site: Office of Vice President Joe Biden
Facebook: www.facebook.com/JoeBiden
Twitter: www.twitter.com/JoeBiden

Fun & Loveable, but he’s not going to be standing alone on the Wall. He has “taken out” a white walker, which might be a reference to riding trains.

He is a great protector of Gilly (America) and her baby (Delaware…or is it Maryland? – SPOILER!)

Governor Andrew Cuomo (New York)

Campaign Site: AndrewCuomo.com
PAC Site: Committee to Save New York 
Government Site: Office of Governor Andrew Cuomo
Facebook: www.facebook.com/AndrewCuomo2010
Twitter: www.twitter.com/NYGovCuomo

Following in the footsteps of his great father, he is the presumptive King of the North. However, he is currently mired down with budgetary issues incurred by this past year’s heavy snowfalls. He better get that figured out ASAP, after all WINTER IS COMING!

Also, he’d do well to stay away from weddings.

Former Governor Howard Dean (Vermont)
PAC Site: Democracy for America 
Facebook: www.facebook.com
Twitter: www.twitter.com/GovHowardDean

Not in a million years, buddy. But he is fun to watch.

US Senator Bernie Sanders (Independent-Vermont)
Political Site: Bernie.org
Government Site: Office of US Senator Bernie Sanders
Facebook (Campaign): www.facebook.com/FriendsOfBernie
Facebook (Official): www.facebook.com/SenatorSanders
Twitter: www.twitter.com/SenSanders

I don’t know who this is…

Meanwhile…outside of King’s Landing…

Former Governor Jeb Bush (Florida)

Organization: Foundation for Excellence in Education
Organization: Foundation for Florida's Future 
Facebook: www.facebook.com/JebBush 
Twitter: www.twitter.com/JebBush

Just because your brother sat on the throne, doesn’t mean you get too. Also, a lot of people still contest the throne was stolen. We all remember in 2000 when the Battle of the Trident took place in Florida.

Plus he’s got the whole Red Queen, Terri Schiavo thing hanging over his head. I make the comparison as it’s a HOT issue that will still likely fuck him.

US Senator Ted Cruz (Texas)

Political Site: TedCruz.org
Government Site: Office of US Senator Ted Cruz
Facebook: www.facebook.com/TedCruzPage
Twitter: www.twitter.com/TedCruz

He seems to say ALL the wrong things at all the right times.

I’m not saying he’d sell his sister into slavery, but he would look good in a "golden crown".

Governor Chris Christie (New Jersey)

Political Site: ChristieForNJ.com
Government Site: Office of Governor Chris Christie
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GovChristie
Twitter: www.twitter.com/GovChristie

He keeps himself very insulated and was able to navigate through that whole bridge debacle with his balls intact...oh wait.

Then we’re strictly going belt size on this one.  

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee (Florida)

Official Site: MikeHuckabee.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/MikeHuckabee
Twitter: www.twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee

Where the FUCK have you been?

Governor Rick Perry (Texas)

Political Site: RickPerry.org
Government Site: Office of Governor Rick Perry
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GovernorPerry
Twitter: www.twitter.com/GovernorPerry

I think he means well, but is a bit out of touch. His world view is very limited.

Also, he's killed A LOT of people!

Former Massachusets Governor Mitt Romney (California)

Political Site: MittRomney.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/MittRomney
Twitter: www.twitter.com/MittRomney

You still here? Hmmm...

US Senator Rand Paul (Kentucky)

PAC Site: Rand PAC 
Government Site: Office of US Senator Rand Paul
Facebook: www.facebook.com/SenatorRandPaul
Twitter: www.twitter.com/SenRandPaul

Seriously, pop a mustache on him and you’re done.

I think he started off with the right intentions, but was pulled in by the political machine that…er…hold on…yep, sorry, this is his character from The Wire.

Little Finger is a down right asshole.

Former US Senator Rick Santorum (Pennsylvania)

Political Site: RickSantorum.com
PAC Site: Patriot Voices PAC
Facebook: www.facebook.com/RickSantorum
Twitter: www.twitter.com/RickSantorum

Enough said.

The Lindsay Lohan Sex List - REVEALED

The discovery & exploration of The Lindsay Lohan sex list is NOT new news. 

I love that In Touch has the water mark on it, admitting, they were the one's digging through Lohan's trash.

In fact a lot of the celebrity sites have covered this as voraciously as CNN continues to cover missing Flight 370. (Still missing guys)

Before I go on, let me say this: I like Lindsay Lohan. I do. I always have. The first time I saw her was in the Freaky Friday remake. I thought she was cute, and enjoyed her performance in the film. I loved her in Mean Girls, and think she brought real heart to that role. 

I also am NOT attempting to "slut shame" her. I think it's a bullshit double standard that we as a society judge men differently than women when it comes to quantity of lovers...quality however is open to interpretation as is evident from the list. 

The big question now, is who are the names left off of the list. In CNN fashion, I shall randomly guess who they are for you with very little facts to support my theories (I'm basically going to see what topics are trending on Twitter and assume they are the answer). 

But first who are the people we KNOW are on the list? Let's meet them to better help determine Lindsay's "type." 

1. Ashton Kutcher AKA The Kutch.

Had "Ghost" lady Demi Moore not muddled things up, this could have been a huge power couple. But alas, The Kutch is left asking, "Dude, Where's My Vagina?" 


2. (BLANK) - SEE BELOW


3. Ryan Philippe AKA Mr. Witherspoon.

Maybe he's attempting to bulk up and win her back... 


4. Stavros Niarchos.

He was head over heels for Lindsay, and is still holding out hope that she calls his finger phone. 


5. PC Valmorbida.

The guy eats poker chips. She was probably wise not to bet the house on him. 


6. J. Phoenix.

The sleuth detectives online have determined this is Joaquin Phoenix. His answer to the question, "Any chance of rekindling that flame?" is pictured above. 


7. (BLANK) - SEE BELOW


8. Lucas Haas.

One can only hope that this is not a recent photo. 


9. Nico Tortorella.

He is a conjoined twin who is part dog. The ladies love him...er, them I suppose. 


10. Evan Peters.

He's a nice boy, unfortunately he's made of ice cream and must stay in climates with cooler temperatures. 


11. Danny Cipriani.

His biggest downfall is he's a HUGE Hulk Hogan fan. He does that "ear thing" all damn day! 


12. Maggio Cipriani.

Not related to Danny. I have to wonder if Lindsay was just going through the phone book at this point. By the way Maggio's head has a terrible smoking habit. 


13. Benicio Del Toro.

He was too tame for our Lindsay. 



14. Aaron Voros or as Lindsay lists him Aaron (Rangers). 

Her biggest complaint was he "just laid there." To be fair she might have been talking about how he plays hockey. (BAM! down 3 games to 0 in the Stanley Cup Finals - though Vorons is no longer on the Rangers)


15. Fez. 

"Good Day. I said the weather on Monday & Tuesday seem like it'll be a good day!" 


16. (BLANK) - SEE BELOW


17. Jamie Burke.

Wax those eyebrows and I think she'd be quite fetching. Is she a Hemingway? 


18. Jamie Dornan (or Jamie 2).

Look at this dreamboat. Is it any surprise Lindsay parleyed *(par - "laid") with him? 

*You know what? Fuck You! They can't all be gold!


19. Zac Effron.

Football not included. 


20. Orlando Bloom.

His past problems with dwarfs aside, I could see how cupid's arrow would pierce Lindsay's heart. (OK, even I admit I'm not even trying anymore)


21. JT. 

He...(don't do it, Kevin!)...He (don't do it!)...He put a (LOOK! You know it's obvious. And it's probably been done a million times. DON'T!!!) Ok... 


22...

...HE PUT HIS DICK IN HER BOX! 

DAMMIT! I'm sorry guys. 


22. Brian @ GPH. 

Joey NO Pants as Cypher

No one seems to know what this means. In fact, it may be a cypher, which once figured out, explains the (BLANK) names as well. There's a TON of speculation on line. Was it supposed to say Brian @ NPH meaning Brian at Neil Patrick Harris's? Probably not. That's just kind of stupid. So I'll assume it should read "Brian @ Gram Parson's House." Still not sure who the fuck Brian is. 


23. Josh Mond.

The Robert Downey Jr cloning machine has almost been perfected. My guess is it'll rival Google Glass by Christmas. 


24. Colin Farrell.

Ladies, the truth is he's hideous...but he hypnotizes with his eyes! 


25. Heath Ledger.

It's rumored they swapped make up tips. 


26. Ryan Rottman.

He's a LOST fan. I can dig it. 


27. Max George.

That's two first names there Mr. Selfish. I dare you to find a photo of him online where he's NOT giving a "thumbs up." 


28. Guy Berryman.

The bass player from Coldplay. Couldn't get a guitarist, could ya? 


29. James Franco.

Never heard of him. 


30. Adam Levine.

I hear the ladies think he's gorgeous. I'm as skeptical as you are Lil Rock. 


31. Garrett Hedlund.

Seen here being held by a model. Word is he is 12 inches long and has 30 points of articulation. 


32. Riley S. 

Again, lots of speculation on this one. 
No one can agree who it is, but I'd like to point out that Riley is also a chick's name! YOOWZAA! 


33. (BLANK) - SEE BELOW


34. Petey Wright.

He lives in constant fear of his hair going missing. I hear ya, pal. 


35. (BLANK) - SEE BELOW


36. (BLANK) - SEE BELOW


So there are 6 people who's names haven't yet been revealed (and 2 more who are vague at best). Here's my attempt to unravel the missing 6. TMZ, feel free to run with these:


2. Eric Cantor.

This guy's name is everywhere today. Is it because he slept with Lindsay? Let's assume yes.


7. World B. Free.

Everyone is talking about World's Cup. Including Lindsay? You betcha!


16. BLANK.

No really, it's Mel Blanc. The voice of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck & Porky Pig to name a few. Unfortunately, he died in 1989 and Lindsay...er...was born in 1986...so that makes Mel...HEY! ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU BACK UP TO #8. Lucas was pretty young...er...jeez. Awkward.


33. El Nino.

Lindsay has said that El Nino has gotten her wet in the past. So...


35. Goose.

Not A. E. guys (Anthony Edwards to his close friends), but the actual Top Gun character, "Goose." I don't know how to explain it exactly. Maybe it was a rip in the fabric of reality or perhaps just some scintillating Slash Fiction, but he was definitely in a 4G inverted dive with her MIG 28.

And finally...

36. Herbert Buggington

He rear ended her, and the rest is history!

THE ADVICE PANEL

The Advice Panel is here!

"The Advice Panel. You have problems? We have advice. Some of which, might even be useful."

Don Montrey and I, with the help of SOOOOO many others, have been working on a podcast/Live Show for...over a year now (WOW is that even possible?) Actually, when I do a search of my emails, the first time we discussed it was on Oct 11, 2012.  

After ALL that time, we are finally having our first show! Okay...it's our second show. Matt Nelson & Maggy Keegan were kind enough to let us put it up at Figment Theater back on May 9th.

Don is the host. With guests:  

The show is loosely based on the CSz game "Advice Panel." Based in that it's call the ADVICE PANEL, loosely because that's about the end of it. These characters run much deeper than the 4 minute game, bringing this show's running time to approx 45 minutes. 

And as if this wasn't enough, the theme song was written & performed by Hot Breakfast! Delaware's premier acoustic dork-rock power duo. 

The shows are record for a future Podcast.

So, hit us up with for any advice you need:

email: Kevin@ComedySportzPhilly.com

tweet: CSzPhilly #advice

SHOWs (hosted by Don Montrey):

Thursday June 12 at 9:30pm - Jim Burns, Mark Leopold & Joe Sabatino 

Friday June 13 at 9:30pm - Langston Darby, Dave Jadico & Kelly Jennings 

Doors open at 9:00pm at The Playground @ The Adrienne - 2030 Sansom St, Philadelphia PA

#CSz30

The Shirt - Never Forget

"I'm as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth."

This quote is credited to Jonathan Swift, who we all know, was also into eating babies. I always attribute this quote to the film Miracle on 34th Street. Edmung Gwenn (who I swear is the REAL Santa Claus) writes this as his answer to the question, "how old are you?" on that dickhole, Mr. Sawyer's psychiatric evaluation. 

Dickhole.

That line has ALWAYS taken me out of the movie. Upon hearing (or seeing) it, I start to over analyze it's true meaning. "How soon does the tongue develop within the embryonic state?" I pondered as a small child...probably in slightly difference language. As an adult, I can simply Google it to find the tongue starts to develop at week 4 according to Indiana University. 

CLICK to learn more than you want to know about the tongue.

This is quite the blow to Pro-lifers, to find that even Santa Claus doesn't recognize life's beginning at conception.

Must be a "mall Santa."

As for the bit about the teeth, a recent post by CollegeHumor.com (among others), reveals a photo showing that the teeth form much earlier than we had once believed.

CLICK if you don't plan to sleep tonight.

Today is June 5, 2014. More importantly, Thursday. Meaning that it's #tbt or "Throw Back Thursday" on all of the popular social networks. AKA "Show us a picture of you from when you were younger."

"Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' Where'd you get that camera man?"

-Mitch Hedberg

Every week, my aunt Patti seems to comb through her vast amount of photos to find that perfect family portrait to embarrass us all. Today was no exception. 

The Cousins

I am in the back row, 4 from the right. My arms are folded in a slightly "stand offish" manner, but I'm smiling, so there's no need to read too much into my body language. The photo is from June 2, 2001. That's 13 years ago this past Tuesday. 

Other interesting facts about the photo and it's participants:  

• not one person in that photo was married when it was taken. 
• This was my engagement party. 
• Today, 8 of the 14 people in the photo are married, with another one getting married at the end of this month. 
• 7 children have been born to this group, with another one on the way in September. Meaning, if we were to recreate this photo today, Patti would need a wide angle lens. 
• Two cousins now live on the west coast, one in Chicago and one in a foreign country referred to as, "The Glistening City."

As I look at this photo, I think of how many things have change in 13 years...I also think of the one thing that hasn't.

This morning, as I opened Facebook, I was met with this "blast from the past."

Not this Blast From The Past

It took me all of 5 seconds to notice something odd. Not the fact that I actually had hair (though I did notice that too). Not the fact that I was smiling (I don't tend to smile in old photos, because I always say my mouth goes "out" not "up." And not the fact that some people are looking in a different direction (meaning there is probably another version of this photo out there)...but rather the fact that today I am wearing the same shirt I wore in this photo over 13 years ago.

Notice the smile?

Seriously! My shirt is vintage! It's older than ALL of our marriages. ALL of our children. ALL of the hopes and dreams, which which eventually took family members to various parts of the globe...or at least the continent. 

It's older than 9/11! Meaning I could have worn this shirt on a plane, taking shaving cream AND a straight razor aboard to "gussy" myself up before landing. Which I assume my brother Brian did right before this photo was taken to get that sweet, pre-Robert Downey, Jr., Tony Stark look. That's right, the shirt also predates RDJ's drug rehab (which was July 2001).

They say, every 7 years, you reproduce every one of your body's cells and completely changed your body chemistry, becoming almost a whole new person. I guess that doesn't include wardrobe.