Last night we watched "Mrs. Bob Cratchit's Wild Christmas Binge" featuring Jim Burns & Kerry Kristine McElrone from www.theleaguetv.com
One particular scene, which is a warped take on "The Gift of the Magi", damn near made me wet my pants. Sure the Rum & Nog had something to do with it too...but still...
You can also see James Kassees & Tonya "TS" Baynes, both of whom also appear in The League. If you enjoy this clip I encourage you to do a few things:
1. Check out The League @ www.theleaguetv.com 2. Go see "Reckless" at City Theater in Wilmington, DE. Buy tix at www.city-theater.org Jim & Kerry can be seen in that as well 3. Support "Small Arts." Local Theater, Local Bands, Independent Web Series. Transformers 3 will make $ and thus turn into Transformers 4 whether you see it or not. But small arts such as local theater and indy web series DEPEND on people like you to watch and spread the word...otherwise you better get used to the Transformers Franchise, because it's all that will be left...
When I was in college, I had NO TIME for a fraternity. I felt it was stupid to pay to join a club to make friends. Of course I have since changed my mind because of ALL the cool movies I’ve watched with Frats in them. Sure I’d be in Lamda Lamda Lamda if I was in any Frat at all…but you never know when a road trip to Hotel Essex is right around the corner (yeah…I went sequel there).
I now feel like I have joined a Frat.
This Sunday I start my first “formal” improv class in Philadelphia. I have been part of a short form group for the last 16 months, though we’ve been on hiatus for about the last 12. Where I learned from a very skilled improviser and have read a ton on the subject! I also have trekked into Philly to participate in what can only be described as a “Jam.” This is when people just get up and improv with strangers.
But now I have paid my dues and like the Boogers, Blutos and whatever Brandon Frasier’s name was in School Ties, have done before me…I will take my paddling and grateful ask for another.
I am lucky enough to be joined by some people I already know. My fellow pledges. Jim Burns, Andrew Mitchell & Ron Ozer. I am hoping we’ll get nicknames.
Recently my friend Melissa referred to "Baby It's Cold Outside" as "the date rape Christmas Song." I simply had to analyze it.
I have always found the song a bit off-putting, especially the duet version I have with Frank Sinatra and Jimmy Stewart…which is either about a "homosexual date raping" or a festive "gang raping session," You decide: I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside) So far we're in the clear… after all it simply sounds like a guy laying the ground work for what may turn into begging for sex. I’ve got to go ‘way (Baby, it’s cold outside) Persistency is key. The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in) "Drop in" a bit of an innuendo perhaps...? So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice) OK. This is all very romantic. Nothing forceful. Just a couple (male/female, male/male, female/female whatever you're into) saying some flirtatious good-byes. My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry) Way to bring down the mood by mentioning your mom. And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar) Slow down slim. Daddy owns a shotgun. Maybe be grateful for the handy you got while waiting for the apps at Red Lobster earlier. So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry) Wait, is he literally holding her back here? Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour) She caved! You're in like Flint dude. Flint from GI Joe. And this chick is Lady Jaye! The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there) I assume this means they live in a bad part of town. Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there) Whoa dude. Did you slip her a roofie? Not cool! I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now) She's fucking ODing! How much did you give her!!! To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell) Ew… hat fetish! Run lady. He's making a replica fuck doll complete with real human hair! I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer) She said "no" 3 times. That'll even hold up in Beetlejuice court. You're now 100% in rape territory. At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride) She just told you she's going to "say that" she tried to stop you. That's gone in the DA's opening statement. I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out) This is her last ditch effort. Oh, but it’s cold outside He doesn't wish to be "outside." We have penetration. I simply must go (It’s cold outside) Too late. The answer is no (Baby, it’s cold outside) Again, she's adding the counts to the case. The welcome has been (So lucky that you dropped in) That's sweet. Or she knows something's up. They call this "bargaining." So nice and warm (Look out the window at that storm) Holy Shit man, you gave her room temperature beer? You knew you were having company, you couldn't put the Pabst in the fridge? Or on the porch? You've been bitching about the cold weather all night. My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious) I knew it. You're banging her sister too. My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about your brother) Initially I thought that meant the brother is a perv who is videotaping, but now I figure he's tied up in the trunk of this dude's car. He covered ALL angles. My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me) Oh snap! He killed the aunt. Well maybe just a cigarette more (You don’t need no cigarette, it’s smokin’ plenty up in here) Nice. She won't get cancer. Just raped with a chance of AIDS. I’ve got to get home (Baby, you’ll freeze out there) The walk of shame. Say, lend me a comb (It’s up to your knees out there) A knees reference? That means "blowjob." Also, the comb…that's how he collects the hair. You’ve really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand) "Grand?" What is this 1936? Oh, but don’t you see (How can you do this thing to me) Wait…she might be safe. I think she left him with blueballs. Of course now he's angry. There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Well, think of my lifelong sorrow) She means "other people will gossip." He misinterprets as "pillow talk" but he gets an idea from her use of the word "bound." At least there will be plenty implied (If you caught pneumonia and died) Holy Shit! Now he's planning to get rid of the evidence (i.e. kill her and dispose of the body). He's got a back story and everything. This reminds me, NEVER go fishing with Scott Peterson at Christmas time! I really can’t stay (Get over that hold out) He's totally going to bang her dead body. Oh, but baby it’s cold outside Yep. Necrophilia.
So there you have it. It wasn't about "date rape," but rather raping a corpse. Merry Christmas!
I have no problem putting this up as there are few people who read this...not that it's embarrassing but I am likely using it as a monologue for a new sketch show I am working on... "Egg Nog" Recently I had egg nog for the first time in my life. I'm not exactly sure how I made it to 35 without ever having tried the stuff. Growing up, however my family never drank it. So I suppose I saw no reason to search it out. Egg nog is a dairy based beverage, thicker than your standard milk product. Made with milk or cream, sugar and beaten eggs. It is flavored with ground cinnamon & nutmeg. Various liquors such as brandy, rum or whiskey can be added to give it a more "adult kick." It's a staple for many during the winter holidays, especially Christmas Perhaps it is this reason my parents have always referred to it, as "Elf Cum." Also probably the reason it never found purchase in my family's icebox. "You expect me to keep elf cum next to the meatloaf?" Dad would ask. It was a rhetorical question that could only be met with the aversion of one's eyes and a slight giggle. As I got older I wondered, did my parents really believe a magical, midget's masturbator expulsions were the ingredients to this traditional holiday drink? Clearly the masses, who find same sex marriages to be against "God's plan," wouldn't stand for actual "elf cum" to be sold by the gallon at their local Walmart's comfortably nuzzled between fabric softener and Trisha Yeargood's new album. Would they? I assume my parents were strictly using hyperbole to describe their lack of affinity towards this winter concoction. While adding the "elf" part to give a more festive feel to the description. Otherwise, why reference an elf at all? Why not just simply, "cum?" Are they under the belief that an elf's cum would taste differently than that of a regular person's? I'm sure dietary differences could influence the flavor of the fluid. Such as the difference between someone of Irish decent's cum tasting like Bailey's versus say…an Italian's tasting of Alfredo sauce. But I believe, having never had elf, human or any other brand of cum mind you, that there isn't much difference between them. Unless you take into account the magical qualities possessed by an Elf. Still, if one had magical powers, I think the last thing they'd care about is the taste of their cum. Seriously, if you're trucking around with flying reindeer and have the ear of the king shit elf himself, Santa Claus… …I'm thinking you can get your dick sucked, even if its widely known that your cum tastes like battery acid. So this holiday enjoy a delicious glass of yuletide egg nog safe with the thought that it is neither elf nor anyone else's cum. But, you might want to add rum to it just in case. Cause after all, once you've had 5-6, who gives a shit what's in it! Merry Christmas!
