Paul Simon, You Lazy Bastard or 50 ACTUAL Ways To Leave Your Lover

In 1975, Paul Simon released the album "Still Crazy After All These Years." That also happens to be the same year, I was "released." Thanks Mom!

Simon's only #1 song as a solo act, "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" was on this album. Wikipedia describes the song as, "a mistress's humorous advice to a husband on ways to end a relationship."" The description is kind of accurate, but the song itself is completely misleading. First of all, the song doesn't really give you ways to leave your lover. "Slip out the back, Jack" doesn't really give you a plan to "end your relationship," but rather directions on how to leave once you do. 

"Hop on the bus, Gus," is about as useful as saying, "Walk on your feet, Pete."
"Make a new plan, Stan." I'M TRYING DICKHEAD! You're supposed to be telling me what that plan is! 

Even if we all agree that these are in fact "ways" in which one can relinquish them self from their lover, any mathematician will tell you, it falls far short of 50. Here are 50 "Simonesque" Ways To Leave Your Lover: 

1. "Commit suicide, Clyde."
-I won't go into EVERY WHICH WAY (get it? Clyde) that one could kill themself, but this is a surefire way to definitively get out of any relationship. 

2. "Smack a poisonous snake, Jake."
-This isn't code for jacking off, but rather finding a venomous snake and kicking it with your boots, Coots.  Ala Jaime Coots, the Kentucky pastor who starred on the TV show "Snake Salvation," until a snake cut his life AND marriage short. 

3. "Use a gun, hon." Like Kurt Cobain did back in 1994. What's that?!? They reopened the case after four rolls of previously undeveloped film was found? 

4. "Don't forget to wear a glove, LOVE!" I knew Courtney did it!!! What's that?!? The case was merely reexamined and NOT reopened? 

5. "Courtney got away, Faye." Fuck. 

6. "Don't come back from a fire drill, Wil." Also a good way to quit your job. 

7. "Give him Gonorrhea, Mia." They'll leave YOU after they find out that you're a "penicillin villain." They'd also be reminded of you, every time they pee for the rest of their life. 

8. "Go ahead and crash her car, Jafar." People get pissed when you crash their cars. Especially when you do it deliberately as proven by all the Vines you post. 

9. "Bang their best friend, Sven." Again. Vine posts really sell this one. 

10. "While she sleeps shave her head, Ned." You could also take those clippers and even out your sideburns, friend. 

11. "Get a Tattoo, Stu." Not ANY tattoo. But a real shitty one. Like "I'm a Belieber!" 

12. "Move to Guam, Tom." Lots of mosquitos. That's a deal breaker. 

13. "Sell her favorite Llama, Obama." This is very specific, and only works on a select few. Obviously. 

14. "Fly away on a plane, Dwayne." OK. Seems most of these are killing of Kurt Cobain and dolling out of Gonorrhea are plans for dudes. What about the ladies? 

15. "Fly away on a plane, Jane." Make sure it's not the same plane as Dwayne, or you're liable to have a "Pina Colada" moment. 

16. "Spike his Pina Colada, Ramada." If there's a chick named Paris Hilton, there's can surely be a female named Ramada. 

17. "Fake your own death, Beth." BONUS, you can also cash in on your life insurance. 

18. "Forbid him to masturbate, Kate." He'll leave. Trust me. 

19. "Get in a boat and row, Flo." If he gets on with you... 

20. "...Throw him overboard like ballast, Alice." (Hope you can swim, Jim!) 

21. "Tell him the only thing you'll blow is a harmonica, Veronica." He's gone. (see #18) 

22. "Use the secret of Nimh, Kim" Or let the Fitzgibbon's cat kill him. 

23. "Take all his valuables to pawn, Dawn." 

24. "Slap a cop and go to jail, Gail." 

25. "Spoil the end of his book, Brooke." Tyrion kills EVERYBODY!

26. "Delete his DVR'd "Walking Dead," Winifred." 

27. "Enlist in the Navy, Davy." Non Sibi Sed Patrise! (I looked it up) 

28. "Never give her a diamond, Simon." She'll leave after like 50 or 60 years. 

29. "Do it under the cover of dark, Mark." Like at night or during an eclipse. 

30. "Punch her old man, Dan." You know you wanna! 

31. "Sleep with Boys II Men, Jen." This probably isn't a deal breaker.

32. "Jump out of a cake, Lake." I assume this means naked out of another guys cake. Or he's diabetic and you're trying to kill him. Either way, if Lake Bell jumps out of a cake, I'm fucking staying! 

Man. This is harder than I thought. No wonder Paul Simon only did like four of them... 

33. "Leave on a sled, Jed." Of course it's Spring now, so this one is less likely to happen

34. "Try a skateboard, Lourde." Madonna's kid?

35. "Hitch with your thumb, Eve Plumb." Again, rather specific.

36. "Go up in a balloon, June." June & Jane are so similar. They also both left in flight.

37. "Surf off on a wave, Dave." I just stared off into space thinking of this for about 20 minutes. Did I mention it's finally Spring?

38. "Cover yourself with dirt, Kurt." This plays into #3-5. I suppose the suggestion is again suicide or faking your death...or becoming a David Blaine like magician. 

39. "Pull a rabbit out of your hat, Pat." Women don't like magic. Only children and the slightly deranged. 

40. "Poison his pizza, Lisa." Don't do this Lisa. Pizza should be revered. 

41. "Root against the home team, Karim." FUCK YOU and your Yankees hat! I don't care that your Dad grew up in New York. 

42. "Cut off his pair, Claire." This could mean ears, I suppose... 

43. "Punch her left tit, Mitt." This is pretty much what I remember Mitt running on. 

44. "Cover her with pee, Mr. T." AKA "Cover her belly, R. Kelly." 

45. "Demand equal pay, Mae." This shouldn't ruin a relationship, though some assholes think it would ruin a country. 

46. "Enroll in some night classes, then transfer to an accredited college, neglect fun by studying night and day, graduate at the head of your class and land an internship for no pay and very little gratitude, but meet someone who sees something in you and takes you under their wing - showing you the ins and outs and eventually recommends you for a low level job at NASA, where you work your way up through the ranks and then enter the flight program which, after years of more hard work, sends you to Space, Chase." Or just punch her in the tit like previously suggested. 

47. "Start dressing like a princess Leia slave, Dave." Or maybe she's into that... 

48. "Try her clothes on, Don." See above 

WAIT! HOLD ON! You're lady friend has a princess Leia slave outfit, and you're trying to end that relations ship? 

49. "What's up with your libido, Greedo?" Seriously...I think we know who "shoots first" in this relationship. 

And finally... 

50. "Don't be such a spoiled Cunt, Gwyneth." 

OK. So, they don't ALL rhyme.

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm)

"Thanks for the Christmas Card You sent me, Violet!" 

OK...I don't do Christmas Cards. I'm lazy and you're ungrateful. Let's just call it even, shall we? 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I do however, throw parties from time to time. The biggest one of the year being a karaoke party for my dear friend Kerry's birthday, thus "Kerryoke." 
"Ooooooooh! I just thought you couldn't spell." 

Yeah. There's that too. 

But undoubtedly, I get the old sarcastic standby, "thanks for the invite" from somebody. 

Here's the deal, I don't use Facebook for events. My reason is, no one reads them. They get lumped in with the Farmville invites, and the Candy Crush invites, and the comment notifications you receive from when you told someone to "Get Well Soon" 3 months ago, and their Aunt Grace is just now getting around to writing on that thread. 

It's a lot of clutter. 

Instead, I use the archaic invitation site, Evite. 

For Kerryoke, I have used it for 6 of the 8 parties. Every year, I just re import the email addresses and hit send. BAM! "Your attendance is kindly requested." Then...I wait. 

"Jesus replied, Yes" 

AWESOME! JESUS is coming! (Which is always good because then you buy a case of water and you're set with libations!) 

I turn off the email notifications, but still check Evite about 2-3 times a week. The best feature is that I can tell when someone actually viewed the invitation. #SNOWDENWASRIGHT! 

"Lucifer read this on 6/6/6" 

"WTF! Why didn't Lucifer reply yet? He probably wants to see if there's anything better going on that night. What a dickbag." 

Here's what I hate about Evite, and the biggest issue with the site:  Ready? Wait for it...it's...YOU! Not you, you. But YOU. The fact that you "don't use that email anymore." Which brings me to the crux of this blog entry: 

What is the up with people changing their emails every 12 seconds? 

Not counting work, I have had 4 emails in my lifetime. The first was an AOL account. Then a Hotmail (I literally checked it about 5 times and then abandoned it). Then a Yahoo account (which has an auto response on it telling you, I no longer use this email address). Finally my Gmail account. I also, have a ComedySportz email, but it funnels to my current email. And I used to have a League email account from when we did the web series.

Even this seems excessive. BUT, during the same time period, I had as many physical addresses. 
1 - My parent's house that I grew up in 
2 - Temple University when I went to college 
3 - My apartment with Julie 
4 - My house with Julie. 

So all in all, seems reasonable, right? 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I go back and check the EVITE list. And see THAT person's email address. WTF? 

"Look Lucifer, I invited you!" 
"Oh. I don't use that address anymore. That 's my old Hotmail account" (Get it? He's from Hell) 
"OK. Well I didn't get the memo that you changed it." 
"Yeah...well..." 
"'Well' what Lucifer? You know what? Fuck you. I'm glad you weren't there. All you'd do is sing 'I Went Down To Georgia' over and over anyway. We got it the first time, A-hole!" 

Lucifer and I are currently not talking. He needs time to cool off (Get it? The Hell thing again...) 

Seriously though, it's not my fault you changed your email and didn't tell anyone. 

Of course, this is my favorite: 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I go back and check the EVITE list. And see THAT person's email address. 

"Lucifer read this on 6/6/6" 

"I did invite you! AND you read the invite on 6/6/6!" 
"Oh. I must have deleted it." 
"Fuck you, dude." 
"Friend me on Facebook and create an Event." 
"Fine!" 

Two weeks later: 

"Lucifer has invited you to play CANDYCRUSH." 

"God, I fucking hate that guy! I should defriend him. What would Jesus do? Wait...what the...I think Jesus defriended me. CRAP!" 

The Ultimate Game of Shirts Vs Skins

(TIL) Today I learned that Jesus' Foreskin is missing!!!

what, what WHAT?!?

I mean, of course it's "missing." Eight days after he was born it was removed ala Jewish custom, thus it went "missing" from his body. But I mean, it's been stolen!

Let's rewind...about 2000 years.

According to About.com:

Rome's churches are filled with countless religious relics. In the Middle Ages, relic veneration became obligatory and every church in Christendom was required to have a holy relic. Relics can include anything from the body parts of a saint to shards of the True Cross to pieces of cloth that have rubbed against a saint's tomb.

That means, not only does Jesus foreskin count (creepy!) but so does the Shroud of Turin! Which, NOT very surprisingly, resides in the Cathedral of John the Baptist in Turin. So if the Catholic Church was to host a softball game between the Cathedral of John the Baptist in Turin and the Church of Calcata in Rome, where Jesus' prepuce resides, it would be the ultimate game of Skirts vs Skins.

But alas, this Holiest of Holy Relics has been stolen!!!

ALERT the Holy Authorities!

Two quick questions:
1. Who do you call when someone's foreskin goes missing?
2. And, possibly more importantly, who do you call when that someone is JESUS?

Is there a Missing Foreskins Dept? Or a lost & found that we can check? We must find it before the trail goes cold. When did it go missing?

1983.

Come again?

Nineteen eighty, fucking three!

So apparently, Jesus' foreskin went missing over 30 years ago! And I'm just getting around to hearing this today?!?

Wait! Before you go think I am behind this, it should be known that I was only eight in 1983.
*This is probably as good a place as any to remind my readers that I am a terrible speller. And from time to time I will use "to" instead of "too" or even on more than one occasion, "two." In this particular situation however, I would like full credit for spelling "eight" and NOT "ate" giving you, dear reader, a horrific thought regarding what could have happened to the previously mentioned foreskin.  Feel free to read about that possibility at this WEIRDO blog:

8 vs ATE

How did the culprit, or more likely army of culprits, overthrow the armed militia protecting this most sacred of artifacts?

Justin Bieber gets more security at his concerts...and he's a dick too!

(umm, it...it wasn't being guarded)

WHAT?!? This is, as Christians believe, the only remaining body part of the Lord Jesus Christ, that resides here on earth! How the heck-fire could it NOT be guarded? Even the Shroud of Turin, which was merely a sweat rag was hidden for decades by the Knights Templar and even now is protected around the clock by armed guards.

To put it in layman terms, it would be like a sports fan who has acquired some sports memorabilia, including the famous towel Mean Joe Green throws to the little kid in the Coca-cola ad from the eighties. And he takes better care of that than the other piece of memorabilia in his collection, Mean Joe Green's FUCKING dick!

You know you want to photoshop that bottle

But, I'm sure that the Church was equipped with a state of the art security system that was somehow thwarted by the scoundrels who stole this most blessed of body parts.

(nope)

REALLY?!?

(if was in the home of a local priest)

What, like hidden in a floor board of something?

(uhhh...no. It was in his closet. In a shoebox.)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? IT WAS AS WELL GUARDED AS MY 1983 TOPPS BASEBALL CARD COMPLETE SET (minus Ricky Henderson, which I think my brother stole)?!?!?

I was eight, but I did "ate" the gum that came with the cards...and by "ate" I mean "swallowed."

8 vs ATE

Jesus.

All of this, hubbub, has been brought to my attention because of an article by The Daily Beast yesterday. Apparently John Paul II's blood has been stolen from a Church in Abruzzo. (Doesn't anyone steal money or jewels anymore? --- "Family Jewels" notwithstanding.)

Apparently relic theft is not an uncommon practice. In the case of the missing foreskin the suspect list included Dario Magnoni (the priest himself), thieves looking to sell it on the black market, Satanists, neo-Nazis and even...drum roll...the Vatican itself!

Why would the Vatican want to steal it you might ask?

According to Slate.com, the answer might be "Protestant doubt." Along with the idea that "scientific revolution...changed our thinking from superstitious to skeptical." In short, it was a fear of science proving this was fake.

But I don't know. I know the Church has been waging a war against Science for all of my life, but something doesn't seem right here. Though I don't doubt Religion vs Science was the Church's motivation.

Hmmm, what else was happening in 1983?

According to The Smithsonian Institute, Nobel Prize winner Kary Mullis perfected the PCR technique. The Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) technique allows scientists to make millions of copies of DNA.

Wait.

The prepuce.

JP2's blood.

My Ricky Henderson card.

Oh. My. GAWD! Someone is trying to clone Jesus to make a FrankenCHRIST who can steal the fuck out of bases!
(*I already have the copyright on this, so don't even try it)

I wonder what he'd look like...

I'm fucking in!

Sources cited in the BLOG above:

The Daily Beast

Slate

Smithsonian Institute

8 vs ATE - This fucking story again

Answers To The 10 Oddball Job Interview Questions Asked at America’s Top Tech Companies (as posted by The Daily Beast)

I used to interview people. I would stare them directly in the eyes and try to make them uncomfortable. I was bored. It made being on that side of the interview a little more bearable.

Sometimes when I am walking down the street in Philly I still do it. I make eye contact with people to restore my faith in humanity. Most people WANT to make a human connection. You make eye contact and smile, they smile back. Of course sometimes they immediately look away instead. “Why is this stranger smiling at me? Oh Lord, I’m about to get ‘rolled’.”

This blog isn’t about that.

On Friday, the Daily Beast released an article about the 10 questions tech companies use to attempt to throw potential employees for a loop while interviewing. To read that article, click HERE.  

What follows are those questions and how I would answer them:

1. “If you could throw a parade of any caliber through the Zappos office, what type of parade would it be?”

Well, sir or ma’am, it is no secret that I am a huge fan of parades. Especially the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade (feel free to go back to my twitter/yourherokevin to check out my November 28th tweets).

Though I’d love to throw my own Macy’s Parade, I feel I’d end up watching it more than producing it. Then there’s the potential the Snoopy balloon would fly off the parade route and destroy downtown Manhattan. So my answer would still be a Christmas parade, but it would be a shot for shot reenactment of the Turbo Man Parade in the holiday classic, ‘Jingle All The Way.’ 

Obviously, some recasting would be needed. After all Phil Hartman is no longer with us. And who the fuck knows where Sinbad is these days. So here’s my cast:

Arnold Swarzenegger = Benedict Cumberbatch (sure he’s nothing like Arnold, but he apparently has the “Jude Law” deal with Hollywood, which states he must be in EVERY film produced)

Sinbad = Jude Law (see reason above)

Phil Hartman = My neighbor Terry (keeping in mind, we are casting an annoying neighbor, and Terry’s dogs bark all night long!

*Terry, a side note – DON’T LET YOUR WIFE GO TO AN ANDY DICK PARTY!!! She’ll end up on cocaine and you’ll eventually get shot in the head)

Rita Wilson = is adorable and irreplaceable. Though I’d cast Amy Smart, as I have had a crush on her for years!

Jake Lloyd = Justin Bieber (finally someone who people hate MORE than Jake Lloyd…though in Bieber’s defense he didn’t ruin Star Wars)

Curtis Armstrong =  Chris Christie (I have a feeling the guy will be looking for work soon, and he’d make a GREAT “Booster”)

2. “How lucky are you and why?”

Are we talking on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the aforementioned Phil Hartman and 10 being Carter Oosterhouse?  (FYI – Carter Oosterhouse is married to Amy Smart. LUCKY!!!)

This question sounds like an early draft of the famous Dirty Harry line, “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you Oosterhouse?”

Seriously, I was born as a white male in America to an upper middle class family. I’m pretty fucking lucky!

3. “If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?”

Finally an actual question! Cause let’s face it, The “Luck” thing was stupid, and if I am throwing a parade at a shoe store, I clearly wasted my time studying for a degree in film. But pizza delivery man seems like something a “not-quite-ready-to-admit-I’m-a-failed” filmmaker might do.

OK. Let’s set up a scenario.

I’m delivering pizza to the set of the FX original program, Justified.

Walton Goggins, who plays Boyd Crowder,  LOVES deep dish.

I get out of the car and take it to his trailer.

He invites me in.

He pays, and tips quite generously.

I tell him I like Justified a lot, but I loved his previous work in The Shield. In fact, I tell him, I still think it’s the best show in the history of television.

 A PA asks, “Have you seen The Wire?”

“Yes, of course I’ve seen The Wire.” I tell him.

“How about Breaking Bad?” he continues. I look at Walton and he rolls his eyes.

“Look pal,” I’m hiding my annoyance, “Yes, I have seen Breaking Bad. It’s an incredible show. I loved it. But I still maintain The Shield tops the list.”

Walton opens the pizza. I can tell he’s super excited. He’s been shooting all night and finally has a break between camera set ups. He opens a fridge and takes out a root beer. It’s a Virgil’s. They’re OK. Not the best. But whateves.

He opens it and takes a sip. He puts it down amongst many empties strewn around the kitchenette area in the trailer.

“Well, what about The Walking Dead?”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!?” I drop my pizza warmer thingie. “That show is crap. The writing is bad and the acting is worse. The only saving grace for the show is its unique mood, and quite frankly, American Horror Story creates that mood with good writing and acting.”

“Seems you only like FX programs, son,” he says as he picks up a discarded Virgil’s and smashes it to reveal a make shift weapon. 

He holds it out challenging me.

I reach behind my jacket and put out a walther .380 ppk.

I have been “rolled” too many times in this line of work to walk around "naked."

The PA squints. 

If he doesn’t back down, this won’t end well.

I look to Walton.

He nods.

The simple motion seems to say, “keep your cool, but don’t let this cocksucker get the upper hand again. I mean, come on, The Walking Dead?  Is he fucking serious?”

I nod back.

I clear my throat, “How lucky are you and why?”

I see the fear enter his eyes. This fight is over before it began.

He drops the bottle and is escorted out of the trailer and off the set.

“Hey. You want a root beer?” Walton offers. I drink it, even though it’s a Virgil’s.

The scissors were for making a heart shaped doily craft thingie. Amy Smart is on Justified this season. Check your local listings or call your cable provider and ask them for FX.

4. “Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?”

I like Rick Hunter. He was a hunter I suppose. That would make his partner Dee Dee McCall a gatherer. I like Dee Dee, but I’m going Rick on this one.

5. “If you were on an island and could only bring three things, what would you bring?”

Great question! Though, let me first start by saying I likely would not vacation somewhere that puts such limitations on MY wants & needs. I’ll assume this island is a nude beach, and that my travel agent seriously recommends not taking a lot of things to carry (because where would you put them?)

I also will assume I have already looked into activities on the island. I don’t want to get there and realize they don’t have snorkeling or crafts. That would suck.

So #1, I’ll bring suntan lotion. I mean come on guys. I’m Irish and I burn. I don’t need “a lot” of suntan lotion if you know what I mean…as I said, “I’m Irish.”

#2, I’ll bring a credit card. Cash is too confusing, and where would I put all that change?  Everyone takes credit cards these days. Plus, I’m not even sure of the currency at this alleged vacation spot. 

Is it in the US? DO I need my passport? Crap. This is probably a trick question. I’m NOT going to choose passport as one of my choices, because that should have been something my travel agent and I went over before hand, when she told me I can only bring 3 things.

#3 a book? Nah, that’s lame. Oh, man a camera! I’ll have Julie take lots of photos of me to post on Facebook when we get home from our sweet vacation.

*I’m aware I have left my walther .380 ppk at home in this scenario, which is dangerous in case I get rolled. So, I’ll be “naked” on this trip in more ways than one (two ways in fact!)

6. "Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?" 

*The earliest tennis balls are believed to date back to the reign of Henry VIII. They were made of materials such as putty and human hair. Scottish craftsmen are said to have made the early tennis balls. These were made from a wool-wrapped stomach of a sheep or goat. They were then secured with a rope.

Over the years, tennis because more popular and tennis equipment emerged from the dark ages. In the late 1800s, tennis balls were constructed of leather and stuffed with hair or wool. Today, they are made from rubber and covered with felt. The felt is the fuzzy outer layer. This is the most expensive materials used in making a tennis ball. Steaming the felt makes it fluffier. The fuzzy coating increases wind resistance and control. It also reduces bounce and speed. As a ball loses some fuzz, they get bouncier. When they lose most of their fuzz, they are said to be “bald.” A bald tennis ball has more bounce and spin and is harder to control.

*Per Yahoo Answers.  For more information, check your local listings or call your cable provider and ask them for FX.

7. “What is your least favorite thing about humanity?”

It’s probably humanity’s disturbingly slow evolution of the tennis ball! I can’t believe it took 200+ years to perfect that thing! Jeez! The United States perfected democracy in the same amount of time.

HUMANITY - 0

‘MERICA! - 1

8. “How would you use Yelp to find the number of businesses in the U.S.?”

I wouldn’t. There are 30,285,419. I don’t need Yelp for that. It’s like asking, “How do you know if you like beets or not?” It’s just part of who you are. You just know. And I DO like beets!

YELP - 0

‘MERICA! - 2

9.  “Can you instruct someone how to make an origami ‘cootie catcher’ with just words?”

Yes I can.

10. “How does the internet work?”

You type “Amy Smart” into Google Images and press enter.

‘MERICA!  FTW!

__________________

I’ll report Monday, as I assume I got the job.