We Didn't Start The Fire (AKA I'm sure your rape and Lil Jon)

I have tried to use the "speech to text" feature on my phone. Especially while driving to cut down on "fingers on the phone" and "eyes off the road". But the problem is...well I mumble a lot. I find I spend more t ime proof reading then I do actually looking while writing a text. I rarely send or read texts while driving. But if the feature exists...
So yesterday, while driving, I decided to see how well my "speech to text" feature really is. Below is how my phone interpreted me saying the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire." Like most 30+ year olds, I know all the lyrics, although I admit, yesterday I learned that "Homeless Vets" are referred to, not "Homeless pets."
I left the refrain as is to help better understand where you are in the song.

If you don't know them, the lyrics are available here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/we-didnt-start-the-fire-lyrics-billy-joel.html

Here is MY ANDROID's version of "We Didn't Start The Fire."

Harry Truman, Dr East, Cambridge China, Chinese race, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joda Maggio.
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe.

Rosenberg, I'm sure your rape and Lil Jon, Brando, The King and I, and The Catcher in the Rye.
Eisenhower, back and got a new queen, Maggiano's, Liberace said Diana goodbye.

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Just dial in on cop siren for a copy of Rockefeller, Pappa Miller, communist bloc.
Roy Klein want to run the skinny DDTank on hand in blue balls, rock around the clock.

I'm Stein 17, Brooklyn's got a winning team, Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley is the last,
bomb go to the past Alabama cruise chest is great, Peggy great trouble did you.
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Little Rock, passing knock, Mickey Mantle, para lax but nick yellow light Bridge on the River Clyde,
Killed in on Lebanon, California baseball, start weather homicide, children of the atom I

Buddy Holly, fan her, space monkey, mafia, to look into trouble as a listen no go,
To do sit in rain hail with kennedy, Chubby Checker, site go, Belgian Congo.

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Hemingway, I mean, strangers in a strange land, deal in, Berlin, Dave days.
Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania, Ole Miss, John Glenn, Mr Patterson.
Hope all mathematics, British politician, JFK blown away what else do I have to say...

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Birth control, hoochie man, Richard Nixon back again, shot Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock.
Taking Reagan, Palestine, tear on the airline, ayatollahs in Iran, brushes in Afghanistan,
Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide, porns at home, instead 8 track, Bernie get hypothermia,
On the shore, China's under martial law, Rock n Roll, the Cold War...I can't take it anymore

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My top 5 favorite lines:

1. I'm sure your rape and Lil Jon (I either want to hear this Lil' Jon song or want to know the restr of the sentence).
2.  Liberace said Diana goodbye (looking like he beat Elton to it by a few years)
3. Roy Klein want to run the skinny DDTank on hand in blue balls?  (Clearly a rhetorical question, at least it is if you know Roy Klein).
4. Porns at home (Where else woudl they be?)
5. hoochie man.  (That guy fuck things up throughout the 60s and 70s!)

Preview to PHOTOS of Wrestlemania 29...

This is about 5 minutes after arriving in New Jersey/New York for Wrestlemania 29:

Andrew. 

Kevin, with a brilliant idea.

 Kevin in mid air.

Kevin landing on Andrew.

Perfect weekend.

***************************************************

Tomorrow night, I'll update with my top 29 photos of Wrestlemania 29 weekend.  

Return To Sender (Get it? It's an Elvis song about mailing shit)

Three things a kid never says they want to be when they grown up:

1. A Maintenance Man
2. An Elvis Impersonator
3. A conspiracy theorist who sends Ricin to The President of the United States of America

Paul Kevin Curtis hit the trifecta as ALL three!

In honor of this BOZO, here's Elvis Presley's REAL T.C.B. Oath:

More self-respect, more respect for fellow man.
Respect for fellow students and instructors.
Respect for all styles and techniques.
Body conditioning, mental conditioning, mediation for calming and stilling of the mind and body.
Sharpen your skills, increase mental awareness, for all those that might choose a new outlook and personal philosophy.
Freedom from constipation.

That last line says it all doesn't it?

"I Have A Bad Feeling About This..."

Ilya Bryzgalov has adopted a kick ass theme to his goalie mask for the Philadelphia Flyers, Star Wars!  And none of that Jar Jar Binks shit either.  We're talking Vader, the Millennium Falcon, R2Ds and Yoda!  There's even at tie fighter dog fight on the front, giving the mask a better storyline than Episodes I, II and III!  

However, Star Wars Geeks are already taking issue with one misstep on the helmet.  It seems Yoda is rocking a red saber, the color traditionally used by The Sith.  

Honestly, if it would help the Flyers offense start scoring goals like "bullseyeing wamp rats back home," I'd be fine with everything short of Aunt Beru singing America The Beautiful before dropping the puck!

Philadelphia..."You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
-I mean that in a good way!

Lincoln was English?

“A British actor shouldn't be playing the part of an American President.”

This is a gem I overheard at work this morning during a discussion I was having, with a totally different person, about Daniel Day-Lewis winning his 3rd Best Actor Award for his role in Lincoln. 

Really?

Let’s explore this a bit deeper:

2011 – Jean Dujardin, a Frenchman won for his role in the Artist.  In the role, he presumably plays an American…though, (spoiler) as it turns out he was in fact French all along.  So a Non American won the award.

2010 – Colin Firth, a Brit won for his British portrayal of British King George in The King’s Speech.  It should be noted that Firth is married to an Italian woman who didn’t speak English when they met.  In fact he learned to speak Italian to be able to communicate with her…talk about the “King” of speech.  So a Non American won the award.

2009 – Jeff Bridges, an American won for his ‘MERICAN performance as a country singer in Crazy Heart.  The dude abides.

This means it’s been 3 years since an American won the Best Actor Award…meaning sometimes, there are better actors than those born and raised on the continental U.S.A. 

So what’s with the Xenophobia?  Which is the 2013 P.C. way of saying “racism.”

Jean Dujardin, isn’t best friend with a dog, Colin Firth, isn’t a King and Jeff Bridges, isn’t a washed up country star (though he probably could be).  It’s acting.  Pretend.  Make believe.  Why should it make who plays the part?

Let go EVEN deeper:

2008 – Sean Penn won the Oscar for playing a gay man.  He’s been married to Madonna and Robin Wright.  My understanding is he’s straight.  Acting.

2007 – Daniel Day-Lewis (the cause of all of this drama) won for There Will Be Blood.  Lewis has never discovered oil, nor was he alive in 1902 when the film took place.  Acting.

2006 – Forest Whitaker won for playing Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland.  The man was in Good Morning Vietnam…he’s hardly a dictator.  Acting.

How about an American playing another Nationality? Like, Meryl Streep in 2011 as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady.  This is a VERY powerful woman in British political history, Streep would go on to win the Best Actress award for the role.  AMAZING Acting.

In the end, I could careless what nationality a person is, as long as they are the best person for the role.  Don’t agree?  Ask South African Charlize Theron if actors should ONLY be allowed to play characters of their same nationality.  

She might agree with you if you bring up Reindeer Games. Acting?

Lift With Your Knees

A buddy of mine’s father once told him not to lift with his back or he’s end up with “low hanging nuts.”  I don’t study the human body, anymore than every other red blooded American does on the internet, but this can’t possibly be accurate.

Every year at Christmastime, we move an antique sewing machine from its normal resting place to the other side of the house under a window.  This allows our Christmas tree to go where the sewing machine lives the rest of the year. 

Though Julie offers to help, I always do it myself.  “One man job, one man job…” That was a catchphrase of my father’s growing up that I have, probably NOT so rightly, adopted as a philosophy in life.  My brother’s & I never knew why my Dad insisted on doing everything himself, but we made fun of the saying when we were older. 

I made the traditional sewing machine transition this year with no incident allowing us to embark on our Yuletide journey.  It was glorious.  Thanks for asking.

But a problem arose when I went to put it back.  I decided to go low while lifting this heavy decoration (I’m fairly certain the thing doesn’t work, nor did it when it sat in my parent’s shed for over 10 years – thus making it nothing more than a heavy decoration).  My strategy, in going low, was that it would give me more leverage once I had it up.

BONER JOKES…GO!

The way I had lifted it over the years, including a mere month earlier, was to just get my fingers under the lip of the unit.

LABIA JOKES…You guys are better than that>

After lifting it, I’d waddle the length of the two rooms with the thing, because it was only about an inch or two off the ground.  I’d have no real “leg swinging room” to run a marathon, or even, you know, walk. 

This year I thought that completely picking it up to put it back would be quick & easy.  It turned out to be neither.

I reached low and lifted with my back.  Something I have been told not to do since I was a child, not unlike, “don’t take candy from a stranger.”  I heard three quick POPS. 

POP!  POP!!  POP!!! (BONER JOKES AGAIN?)

So quick were these three POPS, that they might have even been one continuous TEAR.

TEEEEEEEEAAAR!!! (Ladies, there’s nothing funny about a torn labia)

I immediately stood straight up and looked at Julie who had neither seen what I did, nor heard the deafening sound my back produced in my head.  I’d like to take a moment to back my self on the back (gently) for not screaming like a little girl.

“Our little boy’s all grows up.”

After dropping the machine, I immediately reverted to the way I have moved it for the past 7 Christmases in that house.  Really?  We’ve been there that long?

The house has since been deChristmased for another year, and now my back is killing me.  Sitting in a chair at work or home, or anywhere is an absolute nightmare.  At this point I’d gladly take candy from a stranger of that candy was a potent drug that would numb all the nerve endings in my body.

My back hurts so much I even find my self walking slightly bent over.  It occurs to me this makes the proximity of the ground and my nuts closer than normal. 

Dave, your Dad was right.  

"Dear Santa" is a crappy movie

Last night Julie made me watch a Lifetime movie called "Dear Santa."  I should be clear, when I say "made me watch," I really mean I turned it on and she told me it looked horrible then she fell asleep on the couch while I kept watching it.

It was so bad, I had to watch it.  And of course I loved it.  Here are some photos I took of my TV revealing a handful of things I noticed:

The film is supposed to take place in New York.  There's an opening shot of Love Park in Philly.  If you had any doubts that this is INDEED Philadelphia, the building WAAAAAY in the background is the same Art Museum where Rocky runs up the steps during his training montage.

The film stars Amy Aker from Angel.  It is directed by Jason Priestley from Beverly Hills 90210.  While watching the film, Julie commented on how bad the writing was and then asked why I couldn't a get a job writing a movie like that.  I took her hint.

Just to really drive home the point that Amy's, or Crystal's as the character was named, friend was gay, they dressed him in ALL pink.  Because that's what gay dudes do right?

Julie woke briefly to laugh at the "To Whom It May Concern" greeting on the eviction notice...then she told me to turn it off again.  I didn't.  And Amy (Crystal) goes on to use her rich family supplied allowance to keep the breakfast mission opened (Spoiler).

And they all lived happily ever after, especially Julie who slept through most if this.