Squint & Yell

Come see me Squint & Yell tomorrow night at 10pm.

Check out the link for tickets and more details:

http://www.comedysportzphilly.com/

Every time I eat a banana I end up covered in yogurt…or something like that.

So Julie joined a gym.  She’s already in great shape, but since we are going to Aruba for our 10 year wedding anniversary, she decided a gym was in order.  Crap! 

That means I have two choices:

One - I can be the fat guy with the trophy wife on an island.  This won’t do!  Here’s why:  People will assume I have money.  I don’t!  They’ll expect me to pay top price for everything.  I steal shampoo bottles!  They’ll expect me to tip over 12%.  OK, I won’t even joke here and pretend I’m a bad tipper for the sake of “the rule of three.”  Truthfully,  I am the best tipper you will ever meet.  I have even stopped going out to dinner with certain friends because they are such horrendous tippers.*

*Note, if we’ve been out to dinner in the past and we don’t go out anymore it’s probably just because I’ve been busy, not because you’re a cheapo fuckwad.

Two – I have to start getting myself into “beach shape.”  I am not exactly sure what “beach shape” is, but I know I’m not in it, nor have I ever been in my entire life.  So I’ will need to block out some time daily to exercise, but here’s the rub:  I am busy as hell!  I am currently working on Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson which opens in 3 weeks, I am performing with ComedySportz on average 3 times a month and of course I have to find time to watch all the porn on the internet.  There’s a lot.

So when can a brother hit the treadmill?  How about 6:00 am?

Yep, I have been getting up, most days, at about 6:00 am to lift weights (they’re heavy) and run.  After which I sit on the front porch and read the newspaper before showering and going to work.  On the way to work I buy a banana and yogurt (lowfat).  I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve turned into “that guy.”

Then today, I noticed something.  After finishing my banana I started on my my yogurt.  When I pulled the foil off the yogurt a bunch of it shot on my arm.  This has become such a routine that I have napkins on my desk to address this.  You can’t open the yogurt without getting sprayed with some of it.  So I clean myself off and eat it.  That’s when it occurred to me, that to get into “beach shape” I suck down a banana and end up covered in yogurt.  Perhaps I’ve become “that guy!”

Honestly, it’s not a whole hell of a lot different than the looking a porn thing…I just get up a lot earlier.

Google Image says that's yogurt.  Let's assume it is.

EASTER by Bill Hicks

EASTER by Bill Hicks

 

"I was over in Australia during easter, which was intersting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.

 

Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race, anybody? Anybody got any clues out there?

Where do you get this shit from you know? Why those two things you know? Why not ‘Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer’ you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog wild you know. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous conotation to it.

 

I couldn't find a goldfish with lincoln logs photo.

 

'Mummy I woke todaye and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!'.

'That's the story of Jesus'.

Who comes up with this shit?! I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book".

Abbas Abusio Discovered in Idaho

(APee) March 20, 2011 - Members of the Primary Engineering National Institute Society announced this week, that their researchers have made an enormous scientific break through.  They believe this breakthrough will not only have repercussions through the entire scientific community, but also throughout the political world during this election year.

Charles Redwin, the head of P.E.N.I.S. revealed to fellow researchers at a National Conference in Boise, Idaho on Tuesday, that P.E.N.I.S. staff have successful identified and isolated a gene found in some humans, mostly males, known as the Abbas Abusio gene.  Scientists have long time believed that this gene is the driving force behind:

*“older men’s lust for young children.”

The isolation confirmed this belief, but also yielded another discovery.  Possessors of the Abbas Abusio gene are also for the elimination of female rights, specifically outlawing abortion.  In fact, 12 out of the 23 people in attendance for Redwin’s findings are possessors of this gene including Redwin himself.  The other 11 people are ashamed to call themselves Scientists today.

When asked for a comment, Dr. Lester Moore said, “It makes sense that these people, who are among the shittiest parents in the world, would want to make sure every fetus comes to be a potential victim of theirs.”  Dr. Moore does not have the Abbas Abusio gene.  “I can’t believe this is the world we live in,” Dr. Moore said as he left the room shaking his head.

Redwin himself was unavailable for comment.  His office told APee he had a prior engagement of “ridding the world of pornography,” but he was later spotted at a Chucky Cheese with his hand down his pants.

*As reported in Vol. 69 of the New England Journal of Madeupsin

Every March

March 22, 2011, I wrote the following entry:

http://lickrosco.blogspot.com/2011/03/rashes-ticks-chicks-who-perform-surgery.html

March 17, 2012 (yes Paddy’s Day) I started the 2012 yard work.  And ended up with the same results I do every year.

This time, I wore heavy socks, boots, long work pants, a long sleeved shirt and gloves.  Good gloves, which I NEVER took off. 

Sunday…nothing. 

Monday…nothing. 

Tuesday…I started itching on my hands, back and forehead. 

Wednesday (today) I’m fucked!

My hands look awful.  They are covered with what I assume is poison oak or sumac, but could easily be poison ivy.  My knuckles have taken the brunt of it.  This morning, when I was running, I took my wedding ring off.  I never take it off, but it bothers the hell out of me when I run.  I put it back on as soon as I was done.  And ripped the “poison bubble” residing on my knuckle.  I had to put a band-aid on, just so the ooze wouldn’t spread.  I know, right? 

“Grossville Mikey.”

Both of my thumbs have blisters from pulling a rake.  This is mostly because it was a mild winter, which required no snow shoveling.  My hands will callus up about mid May.  But the problem for now is I continue to rip open the blisters when lifting weights.

Yes casual reader I am running and lifting weights.  At 6:00 am might I add.  I still am going to bed late as fuck (4:00 am last Friday night, last 4:45 am Saturday night – I ran on neither of these days).

So obviously, I’m a mess.  But it’s just my hands right?

NO.

I have some marks that has shown up on my forehead.  Yay!  The since I sweat while running it should spread to make me look like Eric Stoltz in Mask by the time I play with ComedySportz at 7:30pm this Saturday.  I haven’t seen the movie in a while so I don’t remember if Rocky Dennis gets his affliction from yard work too.  I do remember his mom, played by Cher, gets him a whore.  So that’s cool. 

Just A Bite To Eat

This is a letter I wrote to Five Guys Burgers & Fries asking that they add a veggie burger to their menu.  I didn’t have the corporate email, so I sent it to a store in VA down the street from the franchise headquarters:

Please put veggie burgers on your menu.  I know you have a veggie sandwich, but eff that noise.  I want a veggie burger with ALL the works like they have at Fatburger.

Come on, one fattie vs five people?  They shouldn't beat you!  Unless that one fattie happens to be King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania III and the five people are in fact five "little people" such as Little Beaver. 

What's it gonna be Five Little Beavers?

Please take this message to your headquarters and report back to me.

Thanks,

Kevin Regan

I'll let you know what they say...

Getting Into Shape Is Painful!

I have been off EVERYTHING in the past few weeks.  My “cheat” is typically alcohol, but even that I only partook of over the weekend because of Paddy’s Day.

It’s been tough at work, because there have been birthdays a plenty (cakes) and donuts a flowin’ (they weren’t actually flowing).

I bought Dunkin Donuts last Sunday for a film shoot.  It was a short shoot with no lunch, so I figured I could at least provide donuts.  I didn’t eat any of them.  Good Lord did I wanna!

So this morning started a routine, which I hope continues at least until Aruba, my 6AM run.  OK it was more like 6:15 because I hit the snooze button, but still there was NO sunlight to be found.

Of course before I even stepped on the treadmill I managed to tweak my neck.  I have no idea how or what I did.  But rather than “bail” on the running, I said, "Fuck it" and off I went...sweating before 7AM.  Yes it hurt, but I guess that’s the “burn” they speak of…

At least it doesn’t hurt when I pee.  Which is often, because I have been drinking a lot of water.