Every time I eat a banana I end up covered in yogurt…or something like that.

So Julie joined a gym.  She’s already in great shape, but since we are going to Aruba for our 10 year wedding anniversary, she decided a gym was in order.  Crap! 

That means I have two choices:

One - I can be the fat guy with the trophy wife on an island.  This won’t do!  Here’s why:  People will assume I have money.  I don’t!  They’ll expect me to pay top price for everything.  I steal shampoo bottles!  They’ll expect me to tip over 12%.  OK, I won’t even joke here and pretend I’m a bad tipper for the sake of “the rule of three.”  Truthfully,  I am the best tipper you will ever meet.  I have even stopped going out to dinner with certain friends because they are such horrendous tippers.*

*Note, if we’ve been out to dinner in the past and we don’t go out anymore it’s probably just because I’ve been busy, not because you’re a cheapo fuckwad.

Two – I have to start getting myself into “beach shape.”  I am not exactly sure what “beach shape” is, but I know I’m not in it, nor have I ever been in my entire life.  So I’ will need to block out some time daily to exercise, but here’s the rub:  I am busy as hell!  I am currently working on Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson which opens in 3 weeks, I am performing with ComedySportz on average 3 times a month and of course I have to find time to watch all the porn on the internet.  There’s a lot.

So when can a brother hit the treadmill?  How about 6:00 am?

Yep, I have been getting up, most days, at about 6:00 am to lift weights (they’re heavy) and run.  After which I sit on the front porch and read the newspaper before showering and going to work.  On the way to work I buy a banana and yogurt (lowfat).  I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve turned into “that guy.”

Then today, I noticed something.  After finishing my banana I started on my my yogurt.  When I pulled the foil off the yogurt a bunch of it shot on my arm.  This has become such a routine that I have napkins on my desk to address this.  You can’t open the yogurt without getting sprayed with some of it.  So I clean myself off and eat it.  That’s when it occurred to me, that to get into “beach shape” I suck down a banana and end up covered in yogurt.  Perhaps I’ve become “that guy!”

Honestly, it’s not a whole hell of a lot different than the looking a porn thing…I just get up a lot earlier.

Google Image says that's yogurt.  Let's assume it is.