Geographically Challenged - aka, where did I put my keys?

So in about a month, I’ll be here:

Don’t be jealous, because given Aruba’s track record, it’ll probably look like this:

I have never been good at Geography.  If I was kidnapped and being tortured, I could probably put all the states in their proper place on a map of The United States, as long as the states were labeled & cut out in state shaped puzzle pieces.  Pretty colors wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s more for the aesthetics.

You:  “Kevin, how do you get to your house?”

Me:  “Go down the road for a while, turn right at the second light.  Go through another traffic light and right at the one after that.  Go a little bit and turn right before the train tracks.”

You:  “What are the names of these streets?”

Me:  “What am I, fucking Magellan?”

My problem has always been, I know how to get places, I just don’t know how to tell others how to.  That said I almost NEVER know where I am physically in the universe. 

So yesterday I pulled up this map of Aruba to see where I’ll be in a month:

HOLY GUACAMOLE!!! 

*That’s in honor of Cinco de Mayo Eve or more appropriately Cinco de Mayo Víspera

This is AWFULLY close to South America.  That’s where real pirates live!!!

So now all I can think of is if I’m kidnapped by pirates.  If I am, I hope they look like this:

But it would be more likely if they look like this:

If I am kidnapped and taken to Columbia to be a sex slave, I’ll have one thing working in my favor:  The League was HUGELY popular in Columbia (this is true, I can show you our website traffic).  I don’t think they’ll be forcing the guy who coined the phrase “Cop-a-feel for Copperfield” to be a Caribbean sex slave?

But if I am, I hope it’s with this pirate:

I wouldn’t mind putting her “states in their proper place.”