The Banana Split (with 0 pregnant women)

Saturday I was in Philly for an improv workshop and then I had 2 shows at night.  Rather than going home, I stayed and had an impromptu picnic with Jim & Alex.  They made a nice salad and we sat in a Penn Treaty Park near the river in the NoLiBs section of Philadelphia. 

The weather was amazing!  But to make the day even better, there was an ice cream truck playing his “ice cream truck” music as we walked into the park.  I asked Alex if the truck will be there when we were done eating.  I’m not sure why I deemed Alex the authority on the procedures of ice cream trucks, but she assured me it’s always there. 

As we were finishing the salad, the ice cream truck pulled away.  Dammit!  Thus began my quest to find a banana split…part 2.

Let’s take a trip back in time, shall we?

A while back I had a hankering, which is what you have to call it when you suddenly want a banana split out of the blue.  My buddy Andrew knew this, and called me from (the now defunct) Golden Castle in Delaware at 2 in the morning.  I drove and met him only to find out that they do NOT have banana splits.  They didn’t even have sundaes but the waitress was kind enough to use a bit of ingenuity to pull a sundae together (including microwaving chocolate sauce).

It wasn’t great, but the effort more than made up for it.

I’m not really even a big fan of banana splits.  I think, in my entire life, I MIGHT have had 5.  And that’s a big “might” (thus the capitalization).  But recently I have been eating a lot of bananas; and though yes – I am lactose intolerant - I love ice cream!  So sometimes the craving creeps up and I am a captive to my own vices so…

…back to Saturday.  After leaving Jim & Alex, I met Emily in South Philly.  She had just seen an improv class show and joined me in my quest to find a banana split.  First I looked in the window of a candy shop.  They sell ice cream, but since I didn’t see a line of people eating them, I assumed they didn’t have them.  After all, I had sat in traffic coming from NoLiBs to South Philly while a “Pot Parade” went by (true story).  And if there are a bunch of stoners in the area, they are definitely going to have the munchies and search our banana splits.  There were none in the candy store…so they must have no BS’s.

INT. THE FOURTH STREET DINER - AFTERNOON

Me:  “Do you have banana splits?”

4^th St Diner Employee:  “No, sorry.”

Me:  “Do you have banana bread?  I’m desperate.”

4^th St Diner Employee:  “No.”

Me:  “My wife is pregnant and really wants one.”

Emily glares at me.

Emily:  “We’re not married.”

Me:  “OK, we live in sin.  But that doesn’t change the fact that she still wants a banana split.”

4^th St Diner Employee:  “Try Häagen-Dazs”

Me:  “Is that that thing you do when giving birth?”

4^th St

Diner Employee looks confused.

Emily:  (to 4^th St Diner Employee) “I’m not pregnant.”

FADE TO:

INT. FROZEN WATER ICE PLACE- AFTERNOON

Emily, who surprisingly has not given up on helping me yet, continues with me to a frozen water ice place.

There’s a long line, but no one seems to know how a line works, so I but in front…

Me:  “Do you have banana splits?”

Frozen Lady:  “No.”

Me:  “Any idea where I can get one for my pregnant wife?”

Emily, who is learning, is still way in the back of the line.  She’s ducked down hiding now.  I try to point her out but fear that the Frozen Lady thinks I was pointing to a fat balding man.  I don’t correct her, but it bothers me the rest of the day.

Frozen Lady:  “Johnny Rockets?”

Me:  “Is that that thing you do when giving birth?”

CUT TO:

INT. JOHNNY ROCKET’S - AFTERNOON

We walk into Johnny Rockets.  We sit at the counter.  I look at the menu and quickly see they have no banana splits.  Come on!

Me:  “Any chance of getting a banana split for the old preggers battle axe here?”

Waiter:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Do you know where the Häagen-Dazs is?”

CUT TO:

INT. THE CANDY STORE - AFTERNOON

Me:  “Do you…”

Emily:  (cutting me off) “Do you have a banana split for my platonic friend?”

The girl behind the counter looks at us weirdly.

Me:  “She’s into chicks.”

Girl:  “We don’t.  But if you buy a banana across the street we could make one.”

Me:  “At the tattoo parlor?”

Girl:  “The convenient store.”

Me:  “Oh.  That makes more sense.”

CUT TO:

INT. CONVENIENT STORE - AFTERNOON

I pick up a banana.

Me:  “Are these things OK for pregnant broads to eat?”

Emily:  “I’ll have a pack of cigarettes and a beer.”

CUT TO:

INT. THE CANDY STORE (AGAIN) - AFTERNOON

I hand over the banana.  The girl takes it and goes to make a banana split and turns back…

Girl:  “Oh.  We don’t have chocolate sauce.”

Me:  “Can’t you take some chocolate and melt it?”

Girl:  “Do you have a lighter?”

Me:  “I’ll take an ice cream cone.

Emily:  “Quitter.”

CUT TO:

INT. – TATTOO PARLOR – AFTERNOON

I am sitting eating my ice cream cone while it drips all over.

Me:  “Give me a banana split.”

Tattoo Artist:  “Banana split?  Is that that thing you do when giving birth?”

THE END

Also, I performed two shows that night after eating a TON of ice cream.  And I barely crapped my pants.

THE THE END

Also, most facts were changed to protect the innocent. 

THE THE END END

Also, they were out of banana tattoos!  DAMMIT!