Eliminating Whatever Irks You

So as I mentioned previously, the Improv class I had hoped to enroll in, sold out before my funds became available.  I attempted to work some "inside deals," but much like our Nation's budget meetings, nothing took.  I was told I was #2 on the waiting list.  Then it occurred to me, my friends Jim & Bill are enrolled.

My wife suggested I kill them, thus opening the 2 spots necessary for me to make the cut.  OK, she probably didn't.  But she did tell me to make a list of Pro's & Con's before running off to "eliminate whatever irks me."

So here we go.  Why and should/shouldn't kill Bill & Jim:

First, Sweet William -

Pro #1 (aka, why I should kill Bill) - the man has 20/20 vision.  Yet he mocks those of us who don't by wearing an EYEronic eye patch!  Also, he made me make an "ironic" spelling pun.

Con # 1 (aka, let my people go) - He reads comic books.  He's a hugh Batman fan.  That might be reason enough to let him live.

Pro # 2 - He's clearly already suicidal.  You'd be helping put him out of his misery.

Con # 2 - He's clearly already suicidal.  Don't waste your time, he'll do it eventually.

Pro # 3 - He's learned how to fly and that's some bullshit!

Con # 3 - He's protected by turtles.

Next, Jimmy Burns -

Pro # 1 (aka, burn baby Burns!) - He was in The Water Horse:  Legend of the Deep & didn't get me a free ticket.

Con # 1 - He was in The Water Horse:  Legend of the Deep & did get me a VHS bootleg.

Pro # 2 - He drinks & drives

Con # 2 - He's got a wicked ride!

Pro # 3 - He's got a better 'stash than me.

Con # 3 - He looks like Freddie Mercury.

But alas dear readers, the lives of these fine fellows have been saved.  Because last night I got some inside information that I am not at liberty to discuss at this time.

I can reveal however that it does involve this man...

...sometimes the world just has a way of balancing itself out, doesn't it?