Chi TOWN!

I am thinking of auditioning for the Musical “Chicago.” There’s only 1 problem…I can’t sing. I’m one of those Irish that likes to think he can sing, but deep down knows there’s a potato feminine in my tune carrying department. This is a trait only found in Irish Americans. I’m not saying that ALL natural born Irish can sing, I’m just saying they all think they can and would never admit anything else.

So, Wilmington Drama League is about to put up “Chicago.” I enjoy the musical, but I’m not going to pretend that I love it or it’s the great musical I’ve ever heard. But it does have one thing I am a huge fan of, fishnets.


*I swear they look better on a person...well not ALL persons...

I don’t know where my obsession for the airy leggings came from. Perhaps the Las Vegas ads in my Dad’s old VFW magazines (which, by the way, seems like an appropriate ad for a magazine about war, “You’re lucky enough to survive Vietnam, now try your luck ay blackjack!”)

The thing is this…I just flat out can’t sing. So my thinking is Matt Casarino, director of Chicago (and writer extraordinaire in his own right…or rite…or write – HEY-O!) should add a character, The Prison Janitor. That’s right. Who cleans up those floors the girls get all sexy on? The Janitor. The can’t be dancing around on dirty floors, this is not Flashdance after all. His back story is tragic. He was beaten by his mother as a child and as a result has become a mute (no singing – brilliant). His tragic flaw, he’s obsessed with fishnets, probably from frequenting dirty prostitutes (come on, the guy isn’t going to be picking chick up in bars, he’s a mute AND a Janitor). Though he doesn’t sing or talk, he can even have a dance number if it’s necessary. Maybe with a mop? I don’t know. That’s really up to Matt to decide.



In the end he runs off with Roxy Hart when he realizes he can communicate through her when she sits on his lap ala ventriloquist dummy. He sings a heart wrenching song at the end in his own voice (which is actually sung off stage by someone else). The women all swoon for him because they are amazed at how beautiful his singing voice is and that you can’t see his lips move. They show their appreciation by using their fishnet clad bodies to writhe across the floor. Both turning The Janitor on and, kindly enough, taking care of his cleaning chores.

I don’t know that this dream of mine will come true. However, I high recommend you ALL plead with Matt Casarino, that this is the direction he should take the show when you show up for auditions Sunday, July 11 and Monday, July 12 at 7:00pm. Tell him, “you send one of ours to the stage or we’ll send you to the morgue…that’s the Chicago way.” It works better with some Ennio Morricone score behind it.

I’d say I’ll see you there, but there’s I am in a local production of Rocky Horror that night, playing the mute Butler who rubs against everyone.