Did I Actually Write a Nice Story?

As you read the continuing story of Michael Vick and think to yourself, “”I hate people,” I have a story to share.

I am a huge West Wing fan. I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a Winghead, but only because that is really lame! So I lent my DVDs to Kerry hoping she’d come back and say, “Oh my God! Kevin, you changed my life!” I still think it could happen. But I was able to convince Kerry, Jim and Julie we should start up a little ritual called West Wing Thursdays…I didn’t realize it would end up costing me $1200.

We watch a couple episodes and Capt. Morse Toliver’s plane was shot down. We were all sadden (except Jim who saw it coming, Oh and me and Julie who have seen this episode about 5 times before). We all said goodbye and went our own ways. And then Kerry called my cell phone.

Apparently Jim was walking home and found a kitty cat just sitting in the sidewalk. He didn’t move when Jim came up behind him, which seemed weird. Jim bent down to pet the kitty and realized he was completely underfeed. He called Kerry who called us (or more specifically, Julie).

Jim and Kerry are “dog people”, Julie is a “cat person” (I am too by marriage).

So off we went to see the cat.

Turns out he was an adorable black cat with white pawls and a white mouth and chest. Kerry and Jim took to calling him “Boots.” He was extremely affectionate and loved to be pet (reminds me of another cat I know). But he looked like complete hell. He could barely stand up. He seemed like he was throwing himself at Jim, Kerry, Julie and I as we’d pet him. I think he was just overjoyed at the attention, which judging from the way he looked he had been in severe lack of for quite a while.

So after very little debate, we set out to find an animal hospital open at 11:30pm. This proved to be a bit more difficult than one would imagine. We ended up driving up and down every street in Newport, DE, because the phone number we had obtained was locked in Kerry’s now dead cell phone. Eventually we found the Hospital.

In the light of an examination room the kitty looked even worse. She weighted almost nothing and half of that was fleas. After about an hour wait we saw the doctor. The doctor gave us a breakdown of what they would do. First of which was make sure the kitty, who Kerry and I had now dubbed Lupin after the mangy character in Harry Potter, didn’t have any diseases. I guess many people figure if it’s sick it’s not worth saving. So they wouldn’t run any tests other than to see if the cat was “worthy” of more tests. I don’t blame the doctors for this, we are such a throw away society it just takes over everything we do. Julie impressed me by telling the doctors to treat Lupin for the fleas. Julie didn’t say it, but I knew she figured even if he wasn’t going to make it, he damn sure should be comfortable.

I asked the doctor’s to run some numbers for me. Not to be insensitive, but I wanted to see if I should file a class action suit against Michael Vick. Apparently I should.

So how does this story end? Does Lupin meet the same fate as Capt Morris Toliver of West Wing? Or does he move in tomorrow to torture the only child kitty that just celebrated her 1 year adoption day last week?

What do you think? You shell out this kind of money, you best get a happy ending!
But I will say this, if this is an indication of how West Wing Night is going to be, we’re going to have to make it monthly, not weekly…or I’m going to have to get a second job.

Camera + Phone = Homemade Porn

I love people and their cell phones. There’s nothing better than walking into a bathroom and hearing on the other side of a stall the sounds of a keypad being tapped. There are far worse things you could hear on the other side of that stall mind you.

So today I walked into the bathroom and there’s a fella there at the urinal with his phone in his hand (I’d say his “free hand’ but I assume you realized that). He could’ve been looking at the time, or reading a text or even playing a game…but I couldn’t help but think he was taking a picture of his cock. Because in the end, why else who you put a camera in a phone?

A side note, I will be sending a picture text to some people later…and being arrested soon afterwards.

About Drinking

I don’t get the whole drink Craze.

I understand the “Soft Drink Wars.” Pepsi v Coke, it’s like the Crips versus the Bloods, even the colors match up. People get very defensive of their chosen brand, that is if you have one.
I remember as a kid every time the family would go to the beach, Mom & Dad (really just Mom) would hit up Shop Rite for generic soda, or pop as the Mid-Western states call it. We would get cola, black cherry, orange, cream (f’ing gross!) and root beer. The cooler wouldn’t hold the cola’s or the root beers very long. And luckily Brian would drink that garbage cream soda. After only a couple of days we had depleted the entire stash of quality soda, leaving us with the orange and the black cherry.

All that said, you’d think I’d be a beverage snob.

Up until just under a month ago I drank more than my share of Coke (and more than yours, and hers and his…), but I decided to say goodbye to the “Gang Lifestyle” of the cola wars. So I have been pretty much sticking to water. Regular old fashion water that I pay $1.00 for.
Why do we pay for something that pretty much flows free everywhere from the White House to your friendly neighborhood rest stop? What’s worse are these stupid added flavors.
I understand adding a lemon to water, personally I don’t do it, but when you’re out on the town…you want to do things that you won’t normally do, like put a napkin in your lap. I have ascertained over the years, this is to keep the Caesar dressing in your pubs to an absolute minimum. Hell when I eat at home you’d be lucky if I even wore pants, let alone a napkin on my lap.

A side note here, when I say “You’d be lucky,” I obviously am referring to my lovely wife…who I’m sure you can all tell, is anything but lucky.

Anywho (people who say “anywho” suck), I bought water I thought was a water from a vending machine today. When I took it from the return in the machine I realized it was fizzing. “What the?” Apparently the water, I thought was water had some sort of grape flavoring in it. My first question would be, “Why?” If I wanted grape juice don’t you think I would have bought grape juice? Somewhere the powers that be decided they knew better than me or my taste buds what I wanted. I was miffed (people who say “miffed” are far worse off than people who say “anywho”). I decided to try the drink anyway. It did not go over well.

I am now drinking a bottled water I left in my extremely hot car for over an hour. Sometimes I think I should’ve just kept drinking Coke.

Mean Girls? More Like Obsessed Girl!

They say that Lindsey Lohan was “chasing” someone when she was pulled over early this morning. I know what you’re thinking, “Kevin, what were you doing in California this morning?”

The answer? Fleeing from my inebriated stalker once again. Lindsey, it’s not cute anymore, we’re through. It’s time to move on.

26 needs 26 more

Chase Utley has 41 doubles on the season. That already puts him at 7 shy of being tied for 100th all time in a single season.

The all time single season record is: 67, or 64 in the National League.

That’s pretty damn impressive.

The man who wears 26 needs the same number to sit at the top of the list. Keep them gappers coming!

Vertigo!

I woke up on Monday and my head felt funny…I went to work.

I woke up Tuesday and the room spun. It was quite noticeable…I went to work.

I woke up Wednesday and the room spun so much I fell back down on the bed…I went to work.

I woke up Thursday and went to the doctor. I have Vertigo!

According to WebMD (and more importantly my Doctor) I have Acute Labyrinthitis. So what did I do Thursday night? I went out drinking.

i Wait...

I haven’t blogged since I told the tale of “No More Coke for Kevin.” I haven’t gone on a binge. I’m still off the “Pop,” although Erick sure was putting the pressure on pretty good last night. You’d think I gave up Twix bars and Kit-Kats too (editor’s note: I haven’t).

I haven’t had much to talk about. I could always make something up. Like my story years back about palling around with Hugh Downs (which I accidentally spelled Huge Downs-which is funny on SO many levels!).

I could throw some real life experience at you, such as spending some quality time with Pop in the hospital over the weekend. But then it would get too deep, and who wants that? However you gotta respect a guy who is told lay off the smokes and booze and he starts “bumming” cigarettes off people in the parking lot. My hero!

I could tell the story of how I was hanging with the Phillies this weekend and have pictures to prove it. I shook Pat Burrell’s hand on Saturday and gave him positive thoughts (you all know I don’t have many of those). Pat the Bat went 3-3 with 4 RBIs that day. Did I have anything to do with that? You betcha!

Or I could tell the story about how Joel and I had to hustle some scalpers for Reel Big Fish tix on Friday night, only to damn near drown in a sea of prepubescent girls…I assure you this is not “Hot.” Could it have been avoided? Sure, if someone’s ID wasn’t expired. Instead of the bar, we stood with the general populous. BOO! Though, the show rocked!

So now I wait. I wait for my book from Amazon.com called “How to Make Love Like a Pornstar,” I assure you it’s for research. I wait to see if I have a play in the 10 minute festival in October. I wait to see if the spoilers I’ve read are true in regards to who dies in this next Harry Potter book. I wait to see if the Phillies pick up a starter. I wait to see who will ditch Gordon on his Birthday this year. I wait…

Full Circle...Empty Can

This may not sound very impressive but I haven’t had a soda in almost two Sundays. That’s two weeks for those of us keeping score at home. I should admit I had one of those really tiny cans of Dr. Pepper during this time. But that shouldn’t count because of how small it was…and because Dr. Pepper is hardly a real soda.

I’m not saying I’ll never drink Coke again, but I figured out a few numbers on the off chance that my cola days are behind me.

I was drinking, on average a 12 pack of coke, every 2 days. That’s 3.5 a week, not including parties and events. But we’ll stick with 3.5 because that’s what I was purchasing myself.

The average case of soda runs about $4.23. I am not a big SALE person, I probably should be but that’s a whole different post. So I was spending about 14.81 a week on soda. Again this doesn’t include going to the mall (which I worked in for 15 years), to the movies, just hitting up a gas station. So again this number is very conservative. In a year I will save $769.86 just on soda. I’ve been drinking a lot of water so it isn’t like I’ve replaced soda with…say imported beer.

Now, drinking all of this soda, I have probably shortened my lifespan a bit. Let’s say the average male’s life expectancy is 84 years old. I honestly don’t know what the number is, but 84 sounds good. I am just shy of 32, so that’s 52 years left. I’ll also subtract the “coke” years and take off about 5 leaving me with 47. I don’t eat particularly healthy so I’ll take off another 5 giving me 42 more years here.

I drive a little too fast, and my car isn’t really in the greatest shape…I’ll remove another 2 years. I also like Tai hookers—that’s about 15 right there, which unfortunately means I am in my twilight years now. That sucks. I could use a coke.








So I have 25 years left…which would be $19246.50 in savings from coke…now if I put that in a safe savings account that would be an additional $1154.79. Modest, sure, but more money! But let’s face it, if my dealings with the Tai’s have taught us anything, it’s that safe isn’t my style. So instead I’d put it all on black (not unlike the Tai’s I suppose). That yields 1.1111 in winnings. So now I’m sitting pretty with $40631.50. Hell, I could buy a new car, which would add those 2 years back on my life. Fifteen? What about fifteen? You think I should put it all on fifteen? That’s a risky. I like the idea of a new car, like the new Sebring, hard-top convertible. But I also like money.




Fifteen it is!








$1,543,997! I can afford to retire, especially seeing as how I’m only gonna live another 25 years. Maybe I should invest. What’s Coke trading at?

Old 97

...And that's a Career!

Krazy Kitty Part 1

That's one pissed off looking Kitty.

I think he's aiming at a dog...

Do the Math...

Which team will forever be branded in the history books as the 10,000th loss to the Philadelphia Phillies?

It’s coming soon, sooner than you might think. The Phillies are a mere 3 losses away from the dubious distinction of being the first team in ALL North American sports, to have attained 10,000 losses. That’s an awful lot of boos.

So I looked at the schedule and thought, “Who will hand us that defining defeat?” Let’s explore a bit shall we?

We have a 3 game series that starts tomorrow against the Colorado Rockies. Usually not much of a threat, the Rockies are 1 game under .500 on the season. They sit in 4th place in rather decent division however they just swept our Archenemy the New York Mets. Even so, I have to believe, with the All-star game coming up and guys like Utley and Rowand heading out to San Fran for a little excitement, that the Rockies won’t follow up their sweep of NY with PA.

After the Rockies we play the Cardinals followed by the Dodgers. It would be a miracle if the inconsistent Phils can get past the next 9 games without losing 3. Just looking at numbers they are unlikely to do this, which means by the time we go to San Diego to play the Padres we’ll be well on our way to 20,000 losses.

So who will it be? You can pretty much bet the Cards. Why? Because Gordon’s Birthday is coming up and he’d never let me hear the end of it. I’d imagine, “10,000” would be how he’d start to greet me.
My phone rings.
Me: “Hello?”
Gordon: “10,000?”
Me: “What do you want?”
Gordon: “Wanna watch wrestling?”
Me: “Fine, but I’m making fun of Chris Benoit.”

Last year the Phils home opener, the cards trounced them. I was there. Gordon was there.
A couple nights later Jimmy Rollin’s hitting streak came to an end. I was there. Gordon was there.

So which game will we lose number 10,000?
Saturday.

Why?
Because I’ll be there, and guess who with?

My luck stinks! 10,000 losses type stinks!

9,995 and counting

How will you celebrate 10,000 losses?
Only 5 to go....

Phones with Options...

I find it immensely troubling that here we are-3 days after the iPhone has hit the shelves yet we still need instructions on how to leave a message for a person. Do I really, in the year 2007, need a recorded voice telling me that if I want to leave a message wait for the beep? It truly is the equivalent of telling an adult to look both ways before crossing the street. They know. Or at least they should know. I am 31, and when I leave my parent’s my mother still says, “Drive carefully.” As if I have it in the back of my mind to haul ass across the neighbor’s front yard.

Police Officer: “Son, why were you driving on that front lawn?”
Me: “Well Officer, my Mom didn’t tell me I couldn’t.”
Police Officer: “Fair enough. Wanna borrow my gun? Go shoot some kids?
Me: “Do I!”

My favorite part of voice mail instructions is when the woman (it’s always a woman) says, “After you leave your message hang up.” Really? Then what? Hello? Lady, where did you go? I have to go to the can and I need instructions. What should I do?

“For more options, press 5.” More options for what? I can either leave a message, or not leave a message. There are no other options!

This entire post will be lost on Joel, who I call a Live Communicator. He never leaves a message. Of course now that he has an iPhone I suppose he does have other options.