SPAM Can Lead To A Huge Change In Your Life!

I get SPAM all the time.  I seldom read it let alone respond to it...

This was a letter I received today:

This is the Most Effective And Safest Way To Enlarge Your Manhood
Get Incredible Gains Even While You SLEEP!
Gains Of 3-4 Inches Are Not Uncommonm, Try for yourself Risk Free 100% Guaranteed to Work

CLICK BELOW NOW AND GET THE SIZE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WILL BE VERY SATISFIED WITH

This is my response:

I tried your product as a goof.  I figured it’s RISK free so what could the downside be?  Nothing happened the first 2 days.  I was about to give up but tried it one last time before going to bed. 

I awoke to find an enormous girthy cock!  For a minute I felt like I was living in “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”  In this version of the story, I was the Emperor and the new clothes were my huge manhood. 

I was all set to write you an email expressing my thanks when I realized I couldn’t get out of bed.  See, I’m an impatient man.  After the first day of trying your methods, I saw no results within the first 20 minutes.  So I upped the required “dosage” by 500%.  Then the next day I tripled that.  As stated above, I was about to give up on the third day when I decided to throw caution in the wind and increase the dosage another 10 times. 

Have you ever been in the woods and gotten tired?  So you decide to lie down and take a nap?  Then you wake up and find a tree has fallen on you across your body pinning you to the grown?  No one heard it fall, because no one was around. Except you.  But you were asleep.  And even if you weren’t, you’re walkman was blasting Lionel Richie so you wouldn’t have been able to hear it anyway.  That’s how I felt when I awoke, minus the wet leaves on my back. 

I now lie pinned to my bed by my new penile trunk wondering if I’ll ever find a woman who will appreciate my endowment. 

Do you sell a product that increases the size of a woman’s vagina to volcano opening proportions?  If so, please send a list of customers.  Love of Lionel Richie a plus.  No fatties!

WANDERLUST Review - AKA The Return of the Late Night Assaults

Today my body feels like it experienced a full on assault.  That's because last night I saw my first midnight movie of 2012 with my usual late night compatriot & “besties”, Anthony. 

We saw Wanderlust, it’s a sweet “fish out of water” story, but it never belabors all of the “fish out of water” gimmicks found in many other romantic comedies.  Written by The State alums Ken Marino & David Wain, it almost seemed out of place to see a modern adult comedy that doesn’t misconstrue joke telling with “gross out gags”.

Wain also directs Paul Rudd & Jennifer Aniston as a couple who find themselves unemployed in NYC with a living situation they can no longer afford.  They are forced to up heave their lives and move to Atlanta with Rudd’s brother played by Marino.  On the way, they end up at a hippie commune.

The cast also includes Justin Theroux (as the commune’s guru), Alan Alda (as the owner of the commune) and the woman I will eventually leave my wife for, Malin Akerman (you know her as the Silk Spectre in Watchmen, I know her as Dr. Valerie Flame from Children’s Hospital).  Other State members appearing include Kerri Kenney, the entire cast of Stella and Joe Lo Truglio & his cock (get it memebers?). 

Seriously, seeing this film, you must be prepared to have a lot of cock in your face.  Speaking of, it brings back some memories of yesteryear with other "face cockings". 

In 2011, Ant and I saw more than a few late night screenings:  Horrible Bosses (also with Aniston), Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and Cowboys vs Aliens among them.  Sometimes the theater is packed, and you find yourself sitting elbow to elbow with your fellow man.  Other times there isn't another soul in site.  But every time you see a late film, there’s the potential…to fall asleep.

Some times I even take precautions to try and jump start my body so I won’t fall asleep during a late screening.  For example, before Cowboys vs. Aliens, Ant and I ate a bunch of bean burritos from Taco Bell.  Our logic, "you can’t sleep if you’re constantly farting" (our wives may know otherwise).  But alas, the fart food didn’t work and Anthony had to recap the second act and most of the 3^rd acts for me.  Also, I suspect he may have molested me.  Perhaps pay back for the little nocturnal cock in the face I gave him while he slept during The Pirates of the Caribbean?  Again, I can’t be certain, but on the ride home he laughed every time I opened my mouth wide to yawn.

Last night, in an attempt to fight off the potential snooze (and face cocking), I decided to amp myself up on Twinkies.  SUGAR!  What could possibly go wrong?  Did it work you ask?  Well I made it through Wanderlust without a wink.  Unfortunately I also lost a couple toes after going into diabetic shock.  When I awoke from surgery, I saw Bosco through my groggy eyes.  He was sitting by my bedside, laughing. 

I gotta hand it to him, that bastard never misses a chance to put a cock in your face.

See Wanderlust (2 and 1/2 out of 4 cocks to the face).

Public Vs Private

There are some things that are acceptable to do in public and some things you ONLY do in private.  We accept taking a crap or partaking in the basic actions needed to create a child are typically reserved for more private locales.  But who determines which goes in which list? 

Public = Blowing your nose                                          

Private = Blowing your boss

Public = Picking your Fantasy Baseball Team   

Private = Picking your underwear from your crack

Public = Applying lip balm                                           

Private = Applying for welfare

Public = Wiping sweat off your brow                           

Private = Wiping whip cream off your penis

Public = Quoting Mel Gibson movies                           

Private = Quoting Mel Gibson

Public = Singing your head off to Hair              

Private = Singeing off your pubic hair

Public = Tying your sneakers & shooting hoops

Private = Tying off & shooting up

Public = Drinking a coke listening to Fats Domino        

Private = Finishing a coke with Fatty Arbuckle

Public = Finger painting pictures of your cousin                                     

Private = Finger banging…I think you get the point

When in doubt ask yourself, “What would Gary Carter do?”  The answer?  NOTHING.  Because he died last week.

Old School Young Jeezy

Yesterday I decided to Google “Young Jeezy.”  I know little of the kid’s work, so I figured, let me “learn myself up” (that is not a Young Jeezy song lyric).

Turns out, Young Jeezy isn’t young at all.  He is only 2 years younger than me, making him merely Jeezy.  Further investigation (reading the first line of his Wikipedia entry) revealed his birth name isn’t even Jeezy, but instead is Jay Wayne Jenkins.  Not sure how the nom de plume came to be.  “J Dubs” would seem to make more sense.  However, J Dubs is a steel drum band from the islands, so that could have been awkward at certain soirées.  The Urban Dictionary lists “J Dubs” as being slang for a Jehovah Witness. 

My extensive research did not produce any results for a performer simply named “Jeezy” (that research consisted of typing “Jeezy” into my search engine and diligently looking at the first 3 entries).  Seeing as “Young” Jeezy was born in 1977, I think it’s time to retire the misleading adjective.  Here are some suggestions for replacement:

-Jay “Jeezy” Jenkins or J3 (sorry Trainor)

-Freezy Jeezy (this new branding should accompany an Icelandic tour)

-DJ Jeezy Jeff (I do not believe any part of this name is currently in use)

-Jeezy Underpants (those Capt Underpants books are popular with the kids.  Lure them in before they’re potty trained)

-Jeezy Tiki Tavi (I just like this one)

Fattie Buys A Milkshake

I have been rocking a sweet cough for about three weeks now.  It comes and goes.  When it goes I do something like jump in the ocean and it comes right back.  You know, normal stuff. 

Yesterday was the first REALLY good day I’ve had in a while.  I felt good and hadn’t coughed at all!  So today, I went and celebrated with a Shamrock Shake.  Lots of dairy…so, of course now I’m coughing again. 

This coincides with Julie joining the YMCA and starting up yoga again this weekend.  Her Facebook update reveals that she’ll be taking a rowing class.  Here I am doing the exact opposite.  Where’s the ocean when you need it?

Entertainment After Death

As a society we tend to put people on a pedestal to make it easier to publically knock them off it.

Whitney Houston died on February 11^th.  The media is now reporting on “pending subpoenas” which are to be issued to her doctors and the people who worked at the pharmacy she frequented. 

Some people not named in the subpoenas: 

1. The producers of her Bravo reality show that exploited her problems.  I hate reality television and look for every opportunity to bring it down.  You can argue that she was paid for her “services” on the program.  And you’d be right.  But weren’t the doctors & pharmacy employees also paid?  Let’s sue!

2. Bobby Brown.  This guy has been rhyming words with the same words for years.  That’s lazy.  And now, punishable by the court system.

3. You, the viewers.  You say you never watched the show?  Well perhaps that’s what killed her.  Shame on you.  I never watched the show either.  But I already pointed out my hatred for reality TV.

Luckily “the media”, who is nothing like the Edward R Murrows of the past, feel they haven’t squeezed enough “exploitainment” out of the 48 years that were Ms. Houston’s life.  Now they want the same three ringed circus that came out of the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial. 

Apparently this is what we do now.  We are bored.  So, we build people up.  Then we destroy them.  Seriously, we ALL need to get some fucking hobbies.

3 Web Series + 3 Web Series = ????

In 2008 I produced a web series called The League. 

In 2010 I produced a web series called The Clink. 

In 2011 I produced a web series called The Cheap Seats.

In 2012, I am attempting to produce 3 new web series. 

Holy balls, why?!?