Cover Your Cough

This poster hangs through out my office.  It was issued by the CDC, so odds are it hangs around yours as well.  I see it everyday because there is one posted above the copier/scanner.  Today was the first time I ever actually looked at it. 

It might make sense for this to hang in a children’s doctor’s office, or even a pre school.  But once a child learns to tie his shoes, he should have the process of disposing of boogers down.  Which is what makes it so odd that this poster hangs in the offices of many Fortune 500 companies through out the world.

The world?  Probably…

The CDC has produced this poster in English, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Vietnamese, Chinese, Hmong, Khmer, Tagalong, Arabic, Samoan (great girl scout cookies by the way), Burmese, Farsi, Kirundi & Somali.  This seems to indicate that either Germans know how to properly blow their noses with out CDC instruction, or they’ve completely done away with the need to sneeze all together.

I do find some of the images a bit disturbing.

Like this guy…

…what is he doing exactly? 

The poster would have us believe he is sneezing into his arm…but he’s not!  First off, his eyes are open.  It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.  They’d pop out of your head and roll around on the floor.

I think it’s more likely he is pretending he has a VERY large mustache.  Maybe he’s at a Tom Selleck convention.  Or he’s trying to disguise himself as Tom Selleck to break into the house that Magnum PI bought.  He might have a plan to accost Selleck, shave off his mustache and ransom it to the highest bidder.  I’m thinking it would go for about $250 on the open market.  Not too shabby when you consider Tom could just grow another one.

Or maybe he’s smelling his armpit.  Sure it’s not to scale, but neither is his face!  Where are the ears buddy?  And what’s with the bald noggin? 

But the most probable thing happening here is the young man has discovered the deliciousness of cannibalism.  The elbow pit is a delicacy in France !

This fellow seems to be covering his mouth to disguise his voice. 

Perhaps he’s about to make a lewd phone call to Tom Selleck?  Maybe he’s in cahoots with the first guy.  They do look similar.  Brothers or even cousins?  Male pattern baldness runs in the family!  The aforementioned phone call is meant to distract Selleck while cannibal boy sneaks by security using is shrewd makeshift costume.

It’s possible this guy figured out a way to huff glue in intimate social gatherings.

But, I like to think he really is just sniffing underwear before buying a gift for his beloved for Valentine’s Day!  My grandmother always said, “If you can squeeze the melons in a supermarket, why not smell the drawers in a department store!”  She also believed German’s never sneezed, so let’s not just assume she’s crazy like ALL other old people…

This move is called “the fake out.” 

Note that at no time are his hands coming in contact with the soap OR the water!  He puts his hands to the sides of the water, but not actually in it.  Kind of lazy.  If you’ve gone that far why not just stick your hands under?  Unless it’s because they are auto faucets, but the paper towel dispenser’s not!  Smart!  One can’t leave any finger prints behind for the lead detective on the Selleck case to find.  This guy is pretty ingenious.

So the next time you do have to sneeze, do it into your fake mustache, use a pair of dirty underwear to wipe away any remaining fluids and finish up by mimicing hygiene. 

Or you can do what I do…

Think of Quigley Down Under.

“You’re with me leather…”

“You’re with me leather…”

So this weekend is the Super Bowl.  Yay.  I really don’t care.  I haven’t been a big fan of football since my team signed Michael Vick.  I watched some of the non Eagles post season, and was excited for about 1 quarter until The Bears gave the game away.  If you put a gun to my head, I’d probably root for Green Bay.  It would be kind of nice to see them do it with out Brett Favre’s shadow looming over them.  However, I would more than likely be rooting AGAINST Pittsburgh as opposed to rooting FOR the Packers.  Kind of hard to get behind a rapist when I have boycotted a team who’s employed a dog killer.

I used to watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.  But let’s face it, they suck!  And they have sucked for the past 5 years.  Are people really getting that excited to see Clydesdales?  Or a commercial that is about as clever as a Saturday Night Live sketch?  Truth be told, much like many marriages across this country, the internet has ruined the Super Bowl.  The commercial are online immediately after airing (some even before hand).  So if you’re not into the game or commercials what’s the point of watching? 

The halftime show.

Come on!  Really.  Nipple or not, has anyone ever REALLY cared about the halftime show?  I liked McCartney (except for that stupid “Freedom” song) & The Who last year was great.  But again, you can find footage online of ALL of these acts…and the footage is limitless, not the 15 minutes allotted by the network.  This year’s scheduled performers are the Black Eyed Peas.  I love them.  I saw them live in concert.  But I don’t care one way or the other about seeing their “content approved” half time show.

Then there’s the food.  I’m on a diet (what a whiney bitch I am).  Seriously though, I have been trying to not become a fatass, so sitting around watching a bunch of fatass offensive linemen while I stuff my face with chicken wings doesn’t sound very appealing to me…also, vegetarian. 

Watching with Dad.  This is pretty much the only reason I’d watch the game.  It was a tradition for SO long!  Watching with my Dad.  Making our bets (for a quarter, that later matured into a Sacagawea gold dollar) on such things as the coin toss, who scores first, who wins and how many heart attacks John Madden has per quarter.  The best is when 1 coin goes back and forth the whole evening.  But here’s the thing…my Dad won’t make it through the whole game if there are two teams he cares about.  I can only imagine what will happen this year when he has no real rooting interest.  He’s getting older and goes to bed at 8:30.  After all he has to be up by 5:00 am.  I never could figure out why.  Perhaps that’s when he counts his Sacagaweas.

But that is not my only dilemma regarding “leather.”

I have been scouring the local Goodwill’s lately, costuming a new web series, The Cheap Seats.  Which, ironically, is about diehard football fans who would cringe at the thought of missing the Super Bowl.  Last night, while at a Goodwill, I found a leather jacket that is BAD ASS!  I was so tempted to buy it.  The problem is…vegetarian.  How can I justify buying a leather jacket when I wouldn’t eat meat?  People love to point out my shoes, wallet & belt when they hear I don’t eat meat.  Well, the belt I already owned before I went veggie…I’m not going to throw it out as that seems to be more wasteful than keeping it.  I guess I could retire it to the back of the closet, but again…already have it.  What’s the point of that?  The wallet is made of recycled bicycle tires, so I’m covered there.  And finally the shoes…yeah…that’s a tough one.  It’s difficult to find shoes, specifically the soles, manufactured from man made materials.  So I am guilty there.  I have found some decent online vegan stores that will be providing my next set of footwear (belts as well), but for the time being I’ll continue to wear what I already own.

Which brings us to NEW purchases. 

I would NEVER buy a leather jacket from a store.  Because then I’d be directly supporting the industry.  But this jacket at Goodwill is second hand.  Like finding a ring on the street that happens to sport a blood diamond.  Do you ignore it out of principle or do you pick it up, hock it and use the money on copious amounts of strippers?  I guess it’s a moral choice there.  But the leather industry does not profit if I buy this jacket…or does it.

If I buy it…the next person, who might be in the market to buy a leather jacket, isn’t able to buy this slightly used jacket.  Instead he buys a brand new one off the shelf, continuing the “semi circle” of life (not really a circle to the cows now is it).  That’s what I am dealing with.  I really want that damn jacket…there is the SMALLEST possibility it’s Pleather (I didn’t look).  But I’m fairly certain it’s the real deal.  It’s only $20.  So I could buy it and donate $100 to PETA or “Best Friends” or another animal’s right organization.  But do I do that EVERYTIME I put it on a feel bad? 

So many questions. 

Also note that I didn’t specify WHICH Goodwill I am referring to.  Last things I need is one of you animals getting it and rubbing it in my face.

So here I am…contemplating.

What to watch & what to wear.

For the first time in my life, I am thinking about not watching the game of games.   I was planning to go bowling instead. I made plans totally forgetting the football event of the year was this Sunday.  It was my buddy Matt, though conceding this game is pretty much a snooze fest, pointed out he wouldn’t be available to bowl because the game is on.  I immediately thought, “Will the bowl alley even be open?”  I know places close for holidays…but do they for the Super Bowl?

Maybe I’ll start a new tradition and watch a movie instead.  The 2008 Phillies Championship on BluRay.  Now what to wear…

Groundhog Day

Number Eight.

This is eighth blog I’ve done of 2011. That’s 3 more than ALL of 2008 & tied with ALL of 2009.

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day and I am very excited. Not because I believe in the idea that a rodent seeing its shadow has any relevance towards future weather patterns. Not because it’s a great day when it’s socially acceptable to watch the Bill Murray classic over & over & over again. And not even because it puts us one step closer to pitchers & catchers reporting to Spring Training (Just 11 days!!!!)
But instead, because I came up with what I feel is quite a clever status update for Facebook/Twitter. I ran it by the wife last week. She agreed it was a good one. Or at least she didn’t tell me it wasn’t. All week I have thought about jumping the gun and putting it up early. But I felt that would be cheating.

So what’s the status update you ask? Well…check my Facebook or Twitter at midnight!

Great Moments in History #712 "“The first Great Awakening of using a gift card”

Great Moments in History #712 "“The first Great Awakening of using a gift card”

Not only did I turn the South on to popcorn shrimp in the 1770s, but I also kept them from naming the "Mason Dixon Line" the "Feel Free to Fuck Your Sister Delineation."


That's worth a bit more than $25!

Great Moments in History #213 "Questioning Commies"

Great Moments in History #213 "Questioning Commies"

J. Edgar is one hell of an interrogator.  Do I smell perfume?

Great Moments in History #67 "The Surrender of the South

Great Moments in History #67 "The Surrender of the South"

Robert E. Lee surrendering to me bringing an end to The Civil War.  I made damn certain all "i's" were dotted and "t's" were crossed.  Didn't want him getting off on a technicality.

I should have put an addendum in banning those stupid re enactments.  My bad on that one folks...

Kerryoke 2006-2011

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What has made it to the number 5 in a series?  

Rocky…

The Police Academy films…

Almost EVERY horror franchise...

What hasn’t?  

Eric Clapton’s son...

Kerryoke turned 5 this year…sort of...It’s actually been six years since we started Kerryoke, taking one year off along the way.

Now before you think I don’t know how to spell karaoke allow me to bore you with some history.

2006 –Kerryoke:

Kerryoke started in 2006 at the home of Kerry Kristine McElrone & Melissa Joy Hart.  

*Apparently one needed to have 3 names to be on the lease. 

That particular year was a SURPRISE! party in celebration of Kerry’s birthday (Jim Burn’s idea).  

Kerry was crying because the "cover" story was TOO good!

I remember getting to her house at about 2 pm to set up a $400 stage that had amazingly overpowering lights.  I am still worried the skin cancer fall out hasn’t yet manifest itself.  The first year was a huge success featuring wigs, hats and other assorted goodies…The idea was a well planned, highly organized endeavor with Jim Burns & Gordon Holmes coming up with the name and logo.

After a vote, (B) was chosen.  We had a CafePress page and everything.  No expense was spared.  

First wig donned at Kerryoke

The lights shine bright on Jimmy

First appearance of "Angry Lesbians"

The MC busts a move with TS

The one and only appearance by Patrick

Collateral damage:  

-Not really any to speak about other than Julie getting swallowed by the couch at the end of the night.

2007:

No Kerryoke was celebrated in 2007.  I don’t know if Kerry’s birthday was even recognized on the calendar that year.  I heard the Mayans predicted this would happen.

A sad year filled with lies!

2008 - Kerryoke 2:

In 2008, I resurrected Kerryoke, it was a good time in '06, why not make it an annual thing.  But where to have it?  Georgie Staley offers her lovely ALL white & pink abode.  

What could go wrong with people drinking red wine there?  Oh lots.  This was a GREAT party!  People were so drunk, most of the pictures are out of focus.  

The original "League"

The 1st appearance of Herr Gray @ Kerryoke

The Greatest photo in Kerryoke history

BUTTerflies

The return of the "Angry (perhaps drunken) Lesbians"

This would be the ONLY Kerryoke to date without an appearance by Tonya TS Baynes.

Collateral damage:  

-White bed spread + passed out from Red Wine = Pink bed spread.

-The screen door was walked through.  More than once.

-Crown molding was cracked.  I have it on good authority who the guilty party was there (it was me!)

-Mud was tracked throughout white carpet.

Could’ve been worse…

Georgie was a trooper through it all.

Even the knife is PINK!

2009 - Kerryoke 3:

The third incarnation of Kerryoke in 2009 ("Return of the Sing"), saw us crossing state lines.  Karen & Elaine volunteered their home in New Jersey during a snow storm.

The snow would be a factor for some and result in a lower attended party than usual.  Though you wouldn’t know it from the sounds we produced.  

Georgie could not make it because she was learning lines for an upcoming play.  

*This would mark a tradition that would extend until 2011, the previous year's host NEVER goes to another Kerryoke.  Perhaps that should tell you what happens at Kerryoke.  Also missing is MJoy, co host of the augural event, making her the first "original" to miss an appearance.

Karen goes all SUPER Italiano Mama!  Making food that would put even the best 5 star restaurant to shame.  Elaine opens a casino in the basement for those looking to escape the “music of the night,” as well as part with some of their income.

Gordon Holmes, who had MCed the first 2 events, was late to K3.  The impatient masses wouldn’t wait and the party went unMCed.

This party would also see a pregnant Sue Deisler ready to bring future Kerryoke participant Abby into this world.  

Amy & Sue

And yours truly would make the mistake of allowing a young, horny fellow drive me and my wife.  3:30 am would see me calling him repeatedly on his cell phone, as he was holed up in a room making out with a chick. 

Daryan & Kevin - looks like the "Retarded Wiggles"

The first appearance of Jason Stockdale

Michael & Kerry

Brian Couch...a Kerryoke regular & Julie

It must also be noted this was the FIRST appearance of Danielle Finlay...who braved stormy weather to make sure our birthday girl made it to her party! 

Collateral damage:  

-The chocolate fondue fountain, not to be confused with the champagne fountain (I told you…5 star restaurant) malfunctioned, spurting chocolate on the walls & ceiling.  I still never got the whole story about what happened there.  Though I don’t think it was mechanical error.

-Also my loss of beauty sleep as pointed out in the paragraph above.

2010 - Kerryoke 4:

Ray & Erica Harrington brave the musical celebration of Kerry’s birth.  Also, rather than taking Georgie’s portable karaoke machine to this party, we are able to use Ray’s personal system.  We had been using his CDs since Kerryoke 2 why not go full tilt boogie?

Ray's "red eyes" cannot be fixed, as he is spawned from the Devil

There had been a snow storm earlier in the week as evidenced from the snow and ice on the ground.  But no new snow fell that night.

As always, a lot of new faces, but also some faces have gone missing including original karaoker, Gordon Holmes.

Maybe the least sexy feature of any party to date saw myself and Ray Harrington hanging out at the end of the night in short shorts in another Kerryoke first, the Hot Tub.  Disturbing indeed (no photo - you're welcome)

One of my favorite photos of Julie & me

Lee & Kevin

Danielle, Ryan, Kerry, Brian (in mask), Kevin, Crystal & Jason

Emily & Tom

"Angry Lesbians" make a long awaited return appearance

Collateral damage:  

-Surprisingly not much.  A lot of trash & therapy for the poor bastards who saw Ray & me without shirts.

2011 - Kerryoke 5:

Steve & Pam Manocchio add guitar hero to the mix, offering yet another noise inducing electronic to have the neighbors calling the authorities.

A big snow storm the day before would see snow start and stop throughout the day.  It also leads to a snow shoveling scramble to clear the drive way…which NO one would end up parking in.  We were however able to use the snow to keep the beer cold.  We are both innovative and economical.

I believe this most recent Kerryoke had more people than anyone to date.  I could count them up, but I’d rather stand by my assumption.

Along with traditional Kerryoke

This Kerryoke featured:

Rockband

A Hulk Hand

Tattoos

 But also, a FOG Machine  

We were also fortunate enough to see "The Angry Lesbians" grow in numbers.

I have NO freaking idea how we'll top it next year...but knowing all of these people, I have no doubt we will.

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So anyone interested in hosting Kerryoke 6?

You may think it's just another party, but I assure you it's so much more than that!

After all, it's where the US defeated the Nazis!