Accuracy Shmaccuracy....

George Washington was a time traveler.

George Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.

Abraham Lincoln invented A.I.D.S.

Harry S. Truman mailed his turds to the Kremlin.

Ronald Reagan was a movie star…oh wait…

PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- Three Philadelphia tour guides are challenging an ordinance that will require guides in the city to pass a history test and be licensed.

Mayor Michael Nutter signed the law in April and it goes into effect in the fall. Supporters say it will ensure that guides don't distribute misinformation in a city that is home to some of the country's most historic sites, including the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall.

But in a lawsuit filed Wednesday, three guides say the law violates their free speech rights. They say their tours are accurate and they don't want to have to ask the government's permission to earn their living.

They are backed by the Institute for Justice, a public-interest law firm.

Cities including Washington, New Orleans and Charleston, S.C., have similar laws.
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How dare you infringe upon my freedom to...make it up as I go along...

Poison Ivy

My first encounter with Poison Ivy was a very early (made for TV) movie with Michael J. Fox entitled…Poison Ivy. Not to be confused with the teen sex romp film featuring Drew Barrymore & Tom Skerritt having sex on a piano. “The Fox” version (as I call him), sees Michael J. smitten for Nancy McKeon. Obviously, this movie was released before lesbians existed.

My most recent encounter with Poison Ivy took place last Thursday in my backyard. After mowing and edging, I decided to do some light “weeding.” Often time, this includes pruning the limps of “low-hanging” trees. Every time I do this, I think of the trees getting angry at me and taking revenge. Not so much the way the trees in the “Wizard of Oz” take revenge, but rather the way “Tree Beard” and the boys kick a little Saruman ass in “Lord of the Rings.”

I always imagine the trees conspiring to bring me down, which is exactly what they did!

Although I wear gloves when I mow, edge and weed, my meager precautions were still not enough to defeat the red headed terror who has given The Batman fits throughout the streets and arboretums of Gotham City. What worse is, it’s spreading…

I am forced to wear long sleeve shorts to work in 90 plus degree weather, or else risk people thinking I have leprosy…again. I itch like nobody’s business. I was scratching my arm and someone asked, “Are you okay?” I said, “Mind your business.” And the stuff I am putting on it doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing, calamine in no friend of mine!

The moral of the story is, do nothing around the house…or some hot comic book character might kick you butt!

What's in a name?

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Victims of the Pump

Oil may very well turn out to be the worst substance on the face of the earth, making even the most, mild mannered man become a warmongering whore, not unlike how red kryptonite turns the Man of Steel into…the Evil Man of Steel?

“You always wanted to fly Kent, now’s your chance.”

We have fought wars, conquered nations and sold out our mothers, all in the name of oil. And there seems to be no end in sight (the end of our dependence on oil, not “the end” – as that is December 29th, 2012).

The current oil crisis has now seen gas prices hit an all time high.

(Prices based on the ever shrinking US Dollar)

Belgium 9.02
France 8.75
Germany 8.88
Italy 8.93
Netherlands 9.85
UK 8.76
US 4.31

And things are about to get worse. Some Gas Stations are now doing away with customer use of a credit card…which inconvenient if not down right illegal.

http://autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/587/credit-card-fees-some-gas-stations-say

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - When gas station manager Roger Randolph realized it was costing him money each time someone filled up with $4-a-gallon gas, he hung a sign on his pumps: "No more credit cards."

He may be the first in West Virginia to ban plastic, but gas station operators nationwide are reporting similar woes as higher prices translate into higher credit card fees the managers must pay, squeezing profits at the pump."

The more they buy, the more we lose," said Randolph, who manages Mr. Ed's Chevron in St. Albans. "Gas prices go up, and our profits go down."
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Is it wise to turn all gas stations, across a country that is suffering through financial hardship, into a strictly “cash business?” Aren’t gas stations/convenient store already a prime “stick up” joint for a fellow down on his luck and short this month’s rent?

My initial thought, upon hearing this, is to hate the gas companies even more (if that’s possible). But it’s the small gas station managers that are suffering, and at the hands of the credit card companies.

All retailers pay what’s called an interchange fee, a percentage of the sale price paid to credit card companies on every transaction. The percentage the retailer pays is a fixed rate, typically under 2 percent, but as the price of the goods or services increases the dollar amount of the fee increases.

Simply put, when you are buying a candy bar or a yacht the credit card company gets 2% of the sale. Not a big deal when you are talking about .01% for the “Twix,” a really big deal when you consider its $2400 for the boat. And the same amount of paper is being pushed around on each transaction.

The report goes on to say:

As gas tops $4 a gallon, that pushes fees toward 10 cents a gallon. Now stations, which typically mark up gasoline by 11 to 12 cents a gallon, are seeing profits shrink or even reverse.In a good month, Randolph's small operation would yield a $60 profit on gasoline sales. But that's been buried as soaring prices forced the station to pay about $500 a month in interchange fees.

This is infuriating! Sure I want gas cheaper, but not at the expense of the Roger Randolph’s of the world…after all, he’s not the one calling me every night during dinner. The Visa rep however…

The credit card companies say fees are just part of the cost of doing business.

MasterCard at least has made a small gesture in trying to help the small businesses. They have put a cap on interchange fees for gas purchases of $50 or more, said company spokeswoman Sharon Gamsin. This helps the small gas station owner when one is filling up their yacht, not so much with their Subaru.

Visa argues that the fees are offset "by the tangible benefits to stations and their customer’s, such as the ability to pay at the pump.” I do admit I am an addict to pay at the pump. It’s my right as an American to not have to talk to another human being. Although it’s through our society’s lack of communication that we find ourselves mired in some of these problems.

In a last ditch effort to try and help their customer’s while continuing to make a profit, many gas stations have started offers incentives for customer’s using cash. Some offer any where from 4-10 cents off the price of gas. Doesn’t sound like much? Well think of this…would you go to the gas station down the street at 3.99 a gallon, or the one in front of you at 4.09? You know the answer.

As the price per barrel of oil increases at a horrifically historic rate, and gas prices at the pump do the same, there is more and more talk of drilling in remote places that have an even more remote chance of actually having oil. It’s time for real efforts towards eliminating our dependence on any oil, foreign or otherwise. There are real efforts being made to help reduce fuel usage thus decreasing cost and environmental dangers.

We need help!

When gas prices are likely up to about 5-6 bucks a gallon this November, think of Roger Randolph. Think of Mastercard. Think of Visa. Think of the Oil Companies. This of the yacht you’ll never be able to afford, and the candy bar life style many of us have been forced to accept. Think of how much money you just put into you gas tank to get across town to your local voting station. Think of which one of these candidates will take on the kryptonite of “big business.”

Cookie Monster America!

How do you choose the candidate you will vote for to run the free world?

Do vote according to your political party? Do you vote based on certain policies? Do you vote based on who aligns best with your ideological beliefs? Or do you perhaps vote based on who’s spouse make’s the best muffins?

Based on Family Circle Magazine’s “bake-off” it would seem the latter is how many people vote. Apparently the past 4 elections have all been decided by the Presidential candidate’s spouse who “brought” the best bake goods.

Betty Ford meet Betty Crocker.

Now that we are down to two candidate’s in the 2008 Presidential election, that means we are down to two dessert choices:

Michelle Obama, wife of Democratic Illinois Senator Barack Obama, has been stumping for her husband in the kitchen by making some shortbread cookies. Pork barrel appropriations are in short supply, while hints of lemon and orange more then make up for any “deficit” in taste. Along with liberal amounts of almond liqueur Amaretto, these cookies are the “change” this kitchen needs.

The Grand Old Party is putting forth the Grand Old Cookie, oatmeal butterscotch cookies to be precise. Cindy McCain, married to Republican presidential hopeful John McCain, is hoping the palate of America will “stay the course.” These cookies are rumored to be so delicious, that you’ll be signing a petition do drill the Alaskan Pipeline for more.

Readers can vote online at the magazine's website with the results to be published in mid-October, just ahead of the November 4 elections.

So far the oatmeal has the edge over the shortbread…no word on whether Ron Paul’s wife is pulling votes from either cookie. Rumor has it Mrs. Paul was likely to be disqualified as her Fish Sticks did not fit in the official rules of the normal two party contest.

Past winners:

2004 - Teresa Heinz Kerry's pumpkin spice cookies were “swift boated” by Laura Bush's oatmeal chocolate chunk cookies.

2000 - Hanging chads may have cost Tipper Gore's ginger snaps, but the supreme decision saw Laura Bush’s Texas Governor's Mansion Cowboy cookies made with chocolate chips and coconut declared the winner.

1992 & 1996 - Hillary Clinton walked away with the popular vote and all the delegates needed with the same recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

Hopefully the winning party this year is able to improve upon health care, as it seems that diabetics are running this country!

Fatassed Stocking Stuffer!

Santa is being told to shift the pounds before Christmas - because the obese saint is failing to set a "good example" for children.
The traditional children's hero, best known for feasting on mince pies left out on Christmas eve, has always sported a bulging midriff.
But shopping centre bosses are giving the well-wisher his marching orders - to the nearest gym - to tackle the increasing problem of obesity.
The revelation comes after a medical report earlier this month stated that by 2050 more than 50 per cent of Brits will be obese.
Bluewater shopping centre in Greenhithe, Kent, has even gone one step further and set-up a Santa boot camp.
Fiona Campbell-Reilly, spokeswoman at the shopping centre, said: "Santa has been around for years, but society has changed and our Santa needs to reflect this.
"Bluewater's Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolize him.
"He will still be the same lovable jolly man, but will be fitter and healthier."
Despite Santa burning 600 calories an hour from delivering presents, the problem lies in the tasty mince pies left as a treat.
If he ate every single mince pie left for him by eager children in the UK he would gain an astonishing 721,000 lbs.
Dr Charmaine Griffiths, spokesperson from the British Heart Foundation, said: "The bootcamp would encourage people to get a bit more active - it is a great idea.
"If you are budding Santa or a hopeful elf, then we should all be taking steps to being fit and healthier at Christmas.
"Half an hour of exercise, three days a week could make your heart healthier. I think that like most of us, Santa could be doing more to make himself that little bit fitter.
"He can have a pie every so often but try to squeeze in a few carrots as well."
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Mandating what our imaginary character's can and can't do?

Whatever, just as long at the ToothFairy can't get married, I'm happy.

Santa is a the original fatassed stocking stuffer...I started Xmas shopping today. I hope I have enough time to get it all done.

Poor Fella...

This poor guy:

Man, 24, loses 82-year-old wife

An 82-year-old Argentine woman who attracted media attention last month when she married a 24-year-old man has died as a result of heart problems.

Adelfa Volpes was admitted to hospital soon after she and her new husband, Reinaldo Waveqche, returned from their honeymoon in Brazil.

She died in a sanatorium in Santa Fe, the city where the couple were married.
Ms Volpes had rejected criticism over the age difference with the groom, who is the son of one of her best friends.

"I don't want to resign myself to the idea that I lost her," a disconsolate Mr Waveqche told EFE news agency.

The couple were married on 28 September in a civil service after several years of engagement, and later walked through a local church surrounded by reporters.

Their love is said to have blossomed when Mr Waveqche went to live with his future bride after his mother's death, when he was 15.

Here's his picture: