Friday, November 18, 2016


As Thanksgiving quickly approaches, we'll all be inundated with one of the most loathsome phrases in the English language: "Happy Turkey Day!"

Perhaps I was always destine to be a vegetarian, because I have HATED this greeting since I was a little boy. Maybe because I found it odd that someone would boil down an entire day to one inconsequential item on the menu (you know you can have turkey any day of the year, right?). Or, more than likely, it's because I am not permanently 5 years old!

In fact, the only salutation I detest more from an adult than "Happy Turkey Day" is "Happy Gobble Gobble Day."

However, for those of you who need your holiday greetings stripped to it's lowest possible form, I have put together a handy little list for you. Enjoy:

(January 1st) - Happy "Sit Around Hung Over In A Cloud Of Your Own Beer Farts" Day!

(February 14th) - Happy "I Bought You This Whitman's Sampler As An After Thought In Hopes Of Getting A Blowjob, But Will Ultimately Be Angry When I Don't Get One" Day!

(March 17th) - Happy "My Vomit Is Green Because I Usurped A Culture's Religious Holiday And Turned It Into My Own Secular Celebration That Allows Me To Let My Alcoholism Run Ramped" Day!

(April 1st) - Happy "Just Kidding! I Didn't Really Sleep With Your Best Friend (But Clearly I've Thought About It)" Day!

(varies March/April) - Happy "What In The Fuck Do A Bunny, Eggs, And A Dude 'Rising From The Dead' Have To Do With Each Other?" Day!

(varies in May) - Happy "I Coincidentally Called My Mom Today...Thank God, Or That Could Have Been Awkward" Day!

(May 30) - Happy "I Can't Fucking Believe Janice Is Off Again This Year While I'm Stuck In This Fucking Cubical! I Know She'll Just End Up Calling Out Again On July 4th Too! What An Asshole" Day!

(varies in June) - Happy "Oh! I Thought Father's Day Was Next Month..." Day!

(July 4) - Happy "I Told You You Were Going To Blow Those Fingers Off One Of These Days" Day! also - Happy "Fucking Janice! I Totally Called It!" Day!

(First Monday in Sept) - Happy "GODDAMMIT! I Can't Believe I Wasted Another Summer" Day!

(October 31) - Happy "Of Course I Agree With You That Costumes Have Become Too 'Slutty,' But Secretly I Love It" Day!

(First Tuesday in Nov) - Happy "Well, We Really Fucked This One up" Day!

(Last Thursday in Nov) - Happy "Christ, Is Your Aunt Going To Be There?" Day!

(December 25) - secular - Happy "Even If He Actually Existed, Which Let's Face It, He Probably Didn't, His Birthday Was More Thank Likely In The Spring" Day!" non-secular - Happy "I Got You This Itchy Sweater Which Is Two Sizes Too Big Because I Clearly Haven't Listened To You All Year" Day!

(December 31) - Happy "Ewww! Is This From That Whitman's Sampler I Bought 11 Months Ago?" Day!


Seriously, have a Happy Thanksgiving. There are going to be some very interesting conversations at the dinner table this year.

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