Thursday, June 26, 2008

What's in a name?

Yahoo! Did a piece today about “famous people” who change their names. I found this funny as this list is rather…how should I put this…shitty?

1. Tiger Woods Real Name (Eldrick Woods)
2. Madonna Real Name (Madonna Ciccone)
3. Lil' Wayne Real Name (Dwayne Carter Jr.)
4. Miley Cyrus Real Name (Destiny Hope Cyrus)
5. Coco Crisp Real Name (Covelli Crisp)
6. Hilary Banks Real Name (played by Karyn Parsons)
7. Gene Simmons Real Name (Chaim Witz)
8. Hulk Hogan Real Name (Terry Bollea)
9. Larry the Cable Guy (Daniel Lawrence Whitney)
10. Ray Stevens Real Name (Harold Ray Ragsdale)
11. Bow Wow Real Name (Shad Gregory Moss)
12. Soulja Boy Real Name (DeAndre Ramone Way)
13. Triple H Real Name (Paul Michael Levesque)
14. Bono Real Name (Paul Hewson)
15. Sting's Real Name (Gordon Sumner)
16. Jay-Z's Real Name (Shawn Carter)
17. Tila Tequila Real Name (Tila Nguyen)
18. Marilyn Manson Real Name (Brian Warner)
19. John Wayne Real Name (Marion Morrison)
20. Prince's Real Name (Prince Rogers Nelson)

First off, there are 4 rapper’s names on the list: Lil’ Wayne, Bow Wow, Soulja Boy & Jay-Z. Not that I am the barometer of all things cool, but I have never heard of Soulja Boy & it’s my understanding that almost ALL rappers use fake names, so they should be excluded.

Second, you can’t list dead people…even if they were the forerunner to “bad ass” in this country, sorry Duke.

Third, if you are going to list comedians can you put some big ones like Dangerfield (I know he’s dead)? Larry the Cable Guy & Ray Stevens are only funny to people who eat possum…and my parents.

Fourth, can we be remotely topical here? Madonna, Gene Simmons, Bono, Sting, Marilyn Manson and Prince are all musicians from before I had pubes…ok maybe not Manson, but who has heard from him in say…a decade?

Fifth, wrestlers ALL use fake names. Except Brett Hart, whose book is amazing! No Triple H and no Hulk. I also would throw Coco Crisp into this gripe. Many baseball fans label wrestling as “phony,” I don’t think any of those people would argue Coco is “the real deal.”

And finally the “Huh?” names. I don’t know who Hilary Banks is. I know I suck. Maybe she was the sister on The Fresh Prince…wasn’t their name banks? If forced to guess I’d say she is a finalist on American Idol. And Tila Tequila. I was quite proud when Julie and I were watching “the Soup” one night and I said, “who the hell is this Tila Tequila?” She laughed and filled me in…I was proud I didn’t know.

Which leaves us with 2 names on this list: Tiger Woods & Miley Cyrus. Tiger should be bumped for his disparaging remarks about hockey (look it up)…and his name is more of a nickname. His name is actually Woods, as Cyrus’ is actually Cyrus.

Mostly, changing your name is just a vain thing “celebraties” do.

If I ever became famous I would change my name to: Blowjob MacBeth.
People would say, “That’s odd, what kind of a name is that?” And I’d say, “Scottish.”

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